The Stillness Of You (24 page)

“Jesus, Ben,
are you mad about something?” Georgia asked, yanking her hand from
mine.

I ran my
hands through my hair and rotated my shoulders. Hell the fuck yes.
Hell the fuck no.

Shit.

“
No,” I
said carefully. “I…”

Her eyes
glistened and she licked her lips, tugging on a long curl. She was
nervous. Anxious. And I felt like the biggest loser on the planet
because it was her birthday for Christ sake and I’d managed to ruin
it.

I groaned
and blew out a long breath. How had the day ended up here? I’d
woken up with her beside me and after I’d made sweet love to her,
we’d spent the day in the pool. We’d talked about music, movies,
books and art. We talked about a lot of shit but none of it really
mattered, because none of it was about her.

And that’s what
was bugging me—it’s what had bugged me all along—I just didn’t know
it until now.

I didn’t
know the real Georgia and it frustrated the hell out of me because
I saw glimpses of her when she wasn’t trying so hard to hide
herself, and I wanted more. I wanted to know about the girl who
painted those freaky weird ass paintings. I wanted to know about
the girl who separated her peas from everything else on her plate
and ate them last. The girl who crinkled her nose when she was
thinking too hard. I wanted to know…

“You and guitar
guy didn’t just date casually.” It wasn’t a question and she knew
it.

For the
longest time Georgia said nothing and as each second ticked by my
anger grew. It erupted like a balloon inside my chest and my teeth
were clenched together so tightly that my jaw ached.

“I’ve known
Travis for a long time.”

It wasn’t
rational, the way I was feeling. On some level I knew that but I
couldn’t help myself. It was there. Some big fucking elephant stood
between us and I had no idea what it was. I had no idea because
Georgia wouldn’t tell me.

“So you fucked
him.”

Her eyebrows
shot up at my crude words and I felt like an absolute shit at the
hurt in her eyes. But the feeling passed because the anger
overshadowed it. The anger inside me fueled by the Jack I’d inhaled
in the bar was becoming as big and nasty as the invisible
elephant.

“
Are we
doing that now?” she said. “Are we really going to discuss all the
guys I’ve fucked?”

“So there’s
been a lot?” I shot back with a snarl.

Her mouth
opened in shock but I didn’t back down. I wanted something more
from her. And though I didn’t particularly care to hear the details
of every hook up she’d ever had she wasn’t giving me anything
else.

“
What the
hell is happening? Why are you being like this?” she said, taking a
step toward me. Her eyes were all shiny as if she was going to cry.
“Can’t we just leave, Ben? Go back to your place and—”

“
And
fuck?
Because that’s all
we do, Georgia.” I took the remaining step until we were so close I
could see the sparkles in her eye shadow. Until I could see the
thin sheen of sweat along her forehead and smell that sweet summery
scent that drove me crazy.

“
We fuck
and we eat and we sleep. Then you go out to the barn and paint. You
paint weird fucked up faces that mean something, but I don’t know
what that something is because you won’t tell me anything about
yourself. The only thing you’ve told me is that your mother was
fucking crazy and drove herself off a bridge.”

She
gasped. I didn’t care. I was beyond caring about anything except my
frustration.

My voice echoed
down the stairwell and for the next few seconds it was followed by
the sounds of the heavy breaths that fell from both of us.

A single
solitary tear edged its way down Georgia’s face. Shit. I had done
that. I had made her cry. The anger in me was gone as suddenly as
it came but when I reached for her she flinched and moved
back.

“
You want
to know the real me, Ben?” She held out her arms and shrugged.
“Here I am. Georgia King. College drop out. Party girl. Addict.
Mentally defective.” Her eyes flashed. “You want to know about my
hookups? About all the guys I’ve screwed?”

“
Georgia—”

“
You
started this Ben so let me finish it. I fucked Travis Bartlett when
I was fifteen and I continued to fuck him along with a shit ton of
other guys, including a couple Flyers which is why Matt didn’t want
me around you.
If you
want names I can give you that too, you guys can compare notes at
training camp.”

My jaw fell
open. That’s not what I expected to hear.

“
I did a
lot of drugs, I fucked a lot of guys and even a few girls and I
drank a lot of vodka.” She snorted and wiped at her face, scrubbing
at a fresh batch of tears. “Something I shared with my dad. Is that
what you wanted to know?”

“
Jesus,
Georgia.” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to feel.
This was so far away from what I thought…of what she felt like to
me that I was stunned.

“
You look
disgusted. Are you? Because you should be, Ben. I’m not the kind of
girl you’re going to end up with. I’m not good or pure or even
interesting. For a while there, I was a good time. I was a good
time to a lot of different people but now I’m a damaged, broken,
unfixable girl who thought that maybe…” her voice broke and I took
a step toward her, but she shook her head violently and moved
back.

My hands were
clenched at my sides and I wanted to punch a fucking hole into the
wall.

“
I
thought that maybe I could be someone else. I thought that maybe I
could be with someone like you but that’s just a fantasy. A stupid,
immature fantasy. We can’t change who we are Ben and what I am
isn’t something you want. I can see it in your eyes. The real me is
a monster. The real me is in those fucking paintings.”

She took
a step back and reached for the door.
“Thank you for tonight,” she whispered and then
she disappeared back inside the club.

I stared
at the closed door for so long my eyes blurred. And then the anger
in my gut began to burn again. It festered and erupted and it
propelled me through the club. I didn’t see Georgia or Kendall or
anyone I knew.

I stalked down
the stairs and headed for the doors when a voice stopped me
cold.

“
Dude, if
you’re looking for Georgia she left. You pissed her the fuck off,
which sucks for you but that it’s good for me. I like Georgia
pissed off. Like I said earlier, she’s one crazy—”

“Shut the fuck
up,” I growled, itching for him to come at me.

He did and I
flattened him with one punch.

Fucking great
way to end the evening.

Georgia

It was nearly
three in the morning when I let myself into Matt’s loft. The place
was dark and quiet. I leaned against the door and let it wash over
me, the stillness, the absolute silence, and for a moment or two I
tried to pretend that things were going to be okay.

But they
weren’t. They were so far from okay that I was afraid I’d never
find that place again. The place I’d found with Ben.

A sob
escaped me and I dropped my head into my hands. I was so tired. So
tired and scared and alone and…

“Where have you
been?”

My head whipped
up so fast I banged it on the door, and I’m sure it hurt like a
bitch but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel anything except the hot
shot of need at the sound of his voice. It heated my entire body in
an instant and awakened the pain.

He was
here.

“I know Matt’s
traveling for the team so I figured you would come back here.”

I flipped
the switch near the door flooding the loft with light and it was
then that I spied him. Ben stood near the window, his face in
shadow, but the clenched fists at his side told me he was still
pissed.

I wanted
to be pissed off too but I wasn’t. I was just sad and
empty.

“What do you
want, Ben?”

“You seriously
have to ask that?”

I winced at the
tone of his voice.

“
I want
the truth. I want to know what the fuck went down tonight. I want
to know how you could throw all that shit at me and leave. Do you
know how worried I was about you? I’ve been calling your goddamn
cell and texting you for hours. It’s three o’clock in the fucking
morning, Georgia. Where the hell have you been?”

My knees
began to shake. Did I have it in me to finish this?

“Or should I
ask who were you with?”

Ouch. That hurt
and I glanced away.

Wearily I
pushed off from the door, stepping out of my heels and tossing them
to the side. I was bone tired. Emotionally and physically drained.
I’d spent hours walking the streets of Philly—not a real smart
thing to do but I’d never cared for smart and easy before so why
start now?

I leaned
against the sofa that was between us, pushing the tangled hair at
my nape over my shoulder. He moved and stepped into the circle of
light, still dressed for the club. Dark jeans and white collared
shirt with the top three buttons undone. He hadn’t shaved today and
there was shadow along his jaw, shadows in his eyes, and his
sensual mouth was hard.

I didn’t
have to look at him to know I’d just lost everything I’d ever
wanted because I felt it. I felt the loss seep into bone and
tissue. I felt it settle between the cracks in my heart and the
empty holes in my soul.

“
I wasn’t
with anyone. I just…I just walked and tried to…” Oh God, how could
I explain?

“
Tried to
what? You’re not telling me anything. Do you know how crazy that
makes me?”

Not as crazy as me
.

Without a
word I turned on my heel and headed for my bedroom where I rummaged
through my underwear drawer until I found what I was looking
for.
I was back in the
main room seconds later and Ben was still standing next to the
sofa. There wasn’t one soft thing about him and my heart rate shot
up as the pieces inside me began to move.

God, I wished
they would just stop.

“
You want
the truth?” I asked harshly, feeding on the friction inside
me.

His
glared at me, but I saw the hurt in his eyes and it just made
everything worse. “Don’t you think I deserve it?”

I tossed
the bottles at him and watched as he caught them up against his
chest. “There,” I said roughly. “There’s the truth.”

He looked at me
as if I was crazy, which of course I was, and then studied the
bottles in his hands, turning them over as he read the information
on the labels. “What are these?”

“They’re
bottles that hold little pills that define who I am.”

“Lithium?”

“Yes.”

He glanced at
the other one. “Klonopin?”

“Yep.”

“I don’t get
it.”

“
No,” I
said bitterly. “You don’t.” God, it was hot. I clawed at the top of
my halter dress and lifted my hair off my neck.

“
What the
fuck, Georgia?” He tossed the pills onto the sofa and rounded it,
until he was inches from me. “What are you hiding behind?” He ran
his hands through the mess of hair over his forehead and swore
again. “I don’t care about pills. I care about you.”

I exhaled
slowly but it did nothing to calm me.

“
I know,”
I whispered, the sadness inside me so huge I ached from it. “But
you don’t know the real me. If you had met the real me when you
first walked into this loft all those weeks ago, I guarantee you
would have run the other way. You might have fucked me first, but
I’m no keeper.”

He didn’t
look shocked at my words. He folded his arms and glared at
me.

The
pressure inside my chest burst, ripping something open. My lips
started moving before I could stop them and words fell…words that I
wanted to snatch back as soon as I said them. But that wasn’t
happening either. I had run out of time and sadly, so had Georgia
and Ben.

“
I’m the
girl who’s had sex with so many guys I can’t even remember them
all. I gave myself away because I could. Because I wanted to and
because it made me feel good for about five seconds. I’m also the
girl who loved to snort coke and drink vodka in her coffee mug. I’m
the girl who would stay up for seventy-two hours straight painting
madness, because it felt as if I was creating art.”

I paused
as crush of memories pressed into my brain and sobbed, shaking my
head at all the things I’d done.

“
I don’t
belong with someone like you, Ben.” My eyes filled with tears and I
scrubbed at them angrily, wiping them away in one jerky motion. “I
thought I could pretend and move forward and be this perfect girl
but who am I kidding? My past, all the shit I’ve done, will never
go away and I don’t want you to suffer because of it. You deserve
so much more. You deserve to be able to walk into that Flyer
dressing room and not have the guys snicker behind your back
because you’re with Georgia King. You deserve to hold your head
high and not be afraid that some inappropriate picture of your
girlfriend won’t pop up online because trust me, they’re
there.”

“
Georgia—”