The Stillness Of You (25 page)

But I cut
him off because I knew he needed to hear everything.
“No, we can’t be together and I
knew it the moment I met you but I thought…when I’m with you the
pieces inside me,” I pounded my chest, welcoming the pain as my
nails slashed into my skin. “These fucking pieces that rub against
each other and cause all this friction…they slow down and they’re
still…and things are good for a while.”

“Then let them
be good,” he said softly, his voice full of emotion.

God, he
was making this so hard but I knew it was time for me to put it all
out there. “Ben, you’re like a circle that’s good and whole and
perfect. I’m not. I’m sick. I have a mental health condition and my
circle is cracked and there are pieces of me that are fragmented,
pieces that can’t be fixed. I need those meds in order to function
or I become crazy Georgia. I become the girl who gives herself away
for no reason. The girl who does drugs and doesn’t care about shit.
The girl who stays up for days on end and then crashes hard for
weeks. You don’t want that. No one in their right mind wants
that.”

He
stepped toward me and I flinched at the anger in his eyes. “How the
hell do you know what I want? You haven’t asked. You’ve already
decided.”

“
Do you
want to be with someone who tried to kill herself? And I’m not
talking about some lame ass attempt. I’m talking about the real
deal and the only reason I’m standing here today is because of
fate. Because my stupid roommate forgot her stupid cell
phone.”

He opened his
mouth but nothing came out and I think he finally realized how
truly screwed up I was.

“
Do you
want to be with someone who spent six months in mental institution?
Huh? A girl who’s been arrested? That’s a real nice girl to bring
home to your Nana, don’t you think?”

He just shook
his head.

“You want a
family one day, don’t you?”

“
What? Of
course I do.”

“
Well I
don’t. I refuse to have kids.” My voice broke and the tears started
for real. They slid down my face, the hot salty tracks stinging as
I stared up into the face I would love forever. “Not when they
could turn out like me or my mom. No fucking way.”

I tried to stop
the tears but they flowed harder and my body began to shake from
exhaustion.

When Ben
took that final step and wrapped me into his arms I couldn’t push
him away. Not in that moment. I needed him in order to get to the
next one.

Eventually my
tears subsided and we got there, to the next moment but it was one
I dreaded. I pushed against him until he released me and I took a
step back, a little unsteady, but at least I didn’t end up on my
ass.

“
I can’t
see you anymore, Ben. This was never going to work. I’m
sorry.”

My eyes
fell to the floor because I wasn’t brave enough to look him in the
eye. His boots were scuffed and I noticed mud or splashed beer on
the cuff of his jeans.

“So that’s it,”
he said.

I nodded.

“Do you
honestly think I’m just going to walk away?”

“You have to
Ben.”

“
Is that
what you really want?” I had to look away because I couldn’t stand
to see the hurt in his eyes.

“I want you to
be happy and there’s no happy for you and me.”

“That’s fucking
lame.”

“It’s all I
got.” My voice broke and I pressed my fingers to my trembling
lips.

He turned
without a word and headed toward the door but paused, just before
he opened it.

“
You’re
wrong you know. I love you. All of you. Even the pieces that you
won’t show me because all of that stuff makes up your circle and I
don’t give a flying fuck if it’s broken. I love every cracked and
fragmented piece of you. And when you’re ready, I hope you’ll trust
me enough to let me be the one to help you put those broken pieces
back together.”

Oh, God.
Why couldn’t he be like a normal guy and just leave? Even now he
was too good for me.

“
So you
go and see Seamus. You paint as many as those weird screaming faces
that you need to. You do whatever the hell it is that you need to
do to get to a place where you realize that this is the real deal
and that I’m not going anywhere. And when you’re ready to choose
me, when you’re ready to choose us, I’ll be waiting.”

He slipped out
the door and left me in silence and for once, the stillness that I
craved so much wasn’t enough.

Ben

I know that in
the future when I look back on this night I won’t remember one
minute or even one second of my first exhibition game suited up as
Flyer.

I won’t
see images in my mind of the crowd, of the black and orange, of the
fans or the players. I won’t remember the coach’s instructions, or
the shouts from my teammates, or even the rough words of
encouragement uttered in my ear by Matt. I won’t remember much of
the team we played other than the Penguins didn’t bring it and we
won.

I’m sure I
won’t remember seeing my landscaper, Mike, in the stands or my
parents sitting just behind the bench with my sister Eden and some
guy she was dating who had more facial hair than I did in the
playoffs.

I won’t
think about the crush of reporters outside the locker room, or of
how I’d barely been able to towel off before I was pulled into a
multitude of interviews.

This was
what I had worked for my entire life. Getting to this point. Being
here. Being a Philadelphia Flyer.

And yet the
only thing I will remember is seeing Georgia in an oversized Flyers
jersey, leaning against the wall, her clear eyes on me. It was the
sweetest, hottest fucking thing I’d ever seen, and like a goofy
teenager my gut twisted and I felt as if I had been punched in the
throat.

I felt
Georgia as if she was standing next to me. Against me. As if she
was inside me.

Someone
shoved another microphone in my face, but I sidestepped it, a huge
ass grin in place as she slowly turned in a circle so I saw my name
and number on her back. Lancaster. Number 9.

It was as if
I’d been tattooed onto her and she belonged to me.

Dave from
Sportsnet asked me something, I have no idea what it was—I just
nodded and pushed past him. I ignored the next reporter as well as
the many shouted congrats on a great opening game from the gathered
crowd.

I
physically moved a female reporter out of the way and still in my
skates, walked through all of them, my eyes never leaving Georgia.
When I reached her, I felt like a goddamn giant and for a second I
said nothing.

I was scared
shitless. Sure, she was here and that was a damn good sign but
still…

A month
ago I’d asked her to choose me. To trust me. And for the longest
time I thought I had fucked up. I thought that by not forcing
myself on her that night I had lost her. And here she
was.

Her eyes were
shiny, glittering like pale blue/green diamonds and my finger swept
away a tear drop that clung to the edge of her lashes.

Her
bottom lip trembled and for one perfect moment we were alone. There
was no crowd. No players. No coaches.

Just Georgia
and I.

“
You
came,” I managed to get out.

She
nodded and opened her mouth to say something but a switch turned on
inside me and I scooped her up into my arms, my hands in her hair,
my mouth on hers. I kissed her with all the emotion that had been
clogging up my airways for the past few weeks. We connected with
our lips, with our hands and our fingers and I felt her inside
me.

And I don’t
think I came up for air until her hands crept along my jaw and I
felt the sting of hot tears in my mouth.

We were
both breathing pretty heavy by then and she struggled a bit before
she could whisper. “I chose you, Ben.”

She shuddered
against me and for exactly two seconds I felt like the luckiest
son-of-a-bitch on the planet.

“
But,”
she said softly, her eyes sweeping away as she bit her bottom lip.
“Can we talk somewhere or…do you have to leave or…”

She was
stumbling over her words and I was getting a sinking feeling in my
gut. But she chose me right? She wanted to be with me
right?

“
I’ll do
whatever you want, Peaches. Let me grab a quick shower and then we
can go back to my place. We can talk. Does that sound
good?”

She
nodded, pressing her face into my neck and I slowly let her slide
down, wincing as the outside world burst into our bubble. The
noise. The people.

“
I love
you,” I whispered hoarsely into her ear. “Wait here. Don’t move,
okay? I’ll be twenty minutes tops.”

“
Okay,”
she said softly, lowering her eyes in that way that drove me crazy
as the crowd surged behind me. “I’ll be here.”

I dropped
a kiss onto her forehead and then slid my mouth over her soft lips,
murmuring into her, “I love you. I can’t fucking stop telling you
that.”

“I know.”

Georgia

I chatted
with Ben’s parents and Eden while I waited for him, and I managed
to keep my head low.
I
didn’t meet the eyes of any press and none of them approached me.
So far I hadn’t spied any of the players and I wasn’t sure what I
was going to do if I saw Rick Danby. Kind of awkward to be with
your boyfriend’s parents and have one of your ex-lovers walk
by.

I was lucky and
it never happened, mostly because Ben was the first guy out of the
dressing room and after quick hugs with his parents—who were flying
out to visit his other sister—he rushed me out of the Wells Fargo
Center as if the place was on fire.

He signed
a few autographs along the way and I loved watching him with the
young fans. They all adored him and he made them all feel special.
He posed for a few pictures and then we left.

I was
nervous and I think it rubbed off on him because we didn’t really
talk on the drive home. My left hand was threaded through his
because I needed to touch him and the feeling was mutual. The Foo
Fighters blasted into the night and they didn’t stop until we
pulled up at his place.

He cut
the motor and for a moment there was nothing. No words or
looks…just his thumb rubbing a slow, gentle circle on my
hand.

“I have to show
you something.” My voice was soft, barely a whisper.

He turned
to me and my breath caught at the look in his eyes. They glittered
in the light from the dashboard, the long lashes throwing shadows
down his cheeks.

“
Okay,”
he said simply, brining my hand to his mouth. My heart skipped
erratically as he slid his lips over my knuckles, his eyes not
leaving mine.

I felt his
touch as if he’d ran hot coals over my skin and I jerked, a nervous
reaction, and he smiled because he knew exactly how he affected
me.

My eyes
dropped to his mouth and he shook his head. “Not yet. If we go
there now we won’t even make it inside and Peaches, it’s been a
long, hard month, but I don’t want to have sex in the truck. I want
you flat out on my bed because I’m going to need some time to get
reacquainted with your body.”

I was on
fire. I was a molten mess of quivering girlie parts and all he’d
done was suggest sex. Reacquainted sex. God, could that be as hot
as make up sex?

He smiled
that smile that could melt a frickin’ ice queen’s heart. “So what
did you want to show me?”

I exhaled
and reached for my door. “Follow me.”

We walked
around his house, Ben in his expensive navy blue suit, me in my
official Lancaster Flyer jersey, and headed for the barn. I knew he
was wondering what the hell was going on. As far as he knew I
hadn’t been out to his place in over a month and up until this
afternoon that would have been correct.

But this
afternoon my world tipped a little more toward happy and after I’d
visited with Seamus for the last time, I’d headed out here knowing
Ben was already at Wells Fargo doing press and stuff for his first
game.

I walked
into the barn and didn’t stop until I reached my canvases, Ben
right behind me. I flipped the switch and didn’t realize how
nervous I was until I began to shake.

“
Hey.” He
nuzzled my ear and the tremors multiplied, rippling along my skin
until my teeth began to chatter. “What are we doing
here?”

“
I wanted
to show you something. Something I finished this
afternoon.”

His hands
and mouth stilled. “You were here?”

I nodded
and stepped out of him embrace, pointing to the large canvas on the
easel. “I finished that for you.”

He
followed my finger and for a few seconds he said nothing. He rubbed
his chin and shook his head. “Wow.”

He took a
step forward and stopped again, inches from my painting. “You did
this?”

I moved until I
was beside him and I bumped his hip with mine. “Yep.”

The
painting was one I’d started months ago, the day his parents
arrived. It didn’t have an ambiguous face with a gaping mouth and
hollow eyes.