The Speed Chronicles (15 page)

Are you still with me? Why, hello, listeners. Let's start over. First let me say that doing this recording was Jim's idea. I'm one of those people who always gets asked,
How do you do it?
My friends literally stand there with their hands on their hips, just shaking their heads, laughing, saying,
How do you do it all so effortlessly, Elayne? And with such verve and zest and appeal and aplomb?
And, you know, there I am with all my balls in the air and I'm wheeling around on my unicycle, blindfolded, saying,
What? What are you talking about? I'm just being me!
So Jim says,
Honey, just strap the recorder on while you're getting ready for the party as a kind of experiment. It'll be interesting
, he says.
A testament, of sorts
. Our oral histories are more important than ever. So this is for anyone who wants to know how I do it all, or maybe even for you, Sasha, if my entertaining gene ever kicks in and you decide you want to take my advice for a change. For the record, I have not seen Sasha since last night at six when she went over to her friend's house to supposedly study for the SATs. Ho ho ho, says Santa to the child. Naughty or nice, babygirl? Just answer me that one. Naughty or nice.

Okay, moving on to the official business. My day. First things first, when the feet hit the floor, is doing my tape. Before coffee or grapefruit or brushing the fuzz from my tongue, I get my exercise. I'm going to turn the recorder off while I pop my routine in the VCR and start sweating. Jim says this thing is voice-activated, that during the boring parts it'll go off, but I don't trust it yet. For the record, I do the tape five times a week, not just when I have an event. That, plus a daily walk with Galileo the Wondermutt, and my backside looks as good as it did the day I graduated from the conservatory. Goodbye.

12/20, 8:25 a.m. Audio Recording #2

Mi, mi, mi, mi! I'm baaaaaaack. And a little winded, as you can tell. I never had asthma or anything, but sometimes I think all those backstage cigarettes I sucked down in my twenties are coming back to haunt me. I may have subpar lung capacity, but can you do this? If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, it is slick to put a lock upon your stock, or some joker who is quicker's gonna trick you of your liquor if you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. Ha! That, my friends, was my favorite tongue twister from ye olde thespian days. I got a million of 'em! You need unique New York. Hoo. Let me catch my …
[sound of Elayne's breathing here, a wheeze is detected
]. Oh, brother. And don't smoke, everybody. Oh, great. Now what am I doing? A public service announcement? Next thing you know, I'll be telling you how to perform the Heimlich, which actually did save my life one time, but that's a story for another day. And it's definitely rated R for raunchy because I was nude. Excuse me! Let's get down to it.

Oh, there's Jim turning off the shower. Jim! Now, on the invitations I said the party was from four p.m. to eleven p.m. in order to give everybody a window in which they could attend. Even the Tagmeyers, who are always booked-up, are coming. Last year, we didn't start till six and I really felt that for some of the older folks in the neighborhood it would be nice to get things started while it's still light outside. Make some hay.

I don't know what I did before the island. Seriously. My hand before God, as I stand here in the kitchen, before we remodeled I didn't have this gorgeous island with the Corian countertop to sit and have my coffee at every morning. It's so smooth and durable. I could run my palm across it all day long. That, and the new automatic espresso machine that tamps the grounds down and has a self-frother, really make my mornings feel like they are straight out of a TV commercial. Or a TV show even. A program.

Oh, here comes Jim! Big Jim. Give me a kiss, honey. Big man go to work and win bread for family. I love you, big man! Jim, say hi to the recorder.

Uh, hello recorder
.

I'm doing the thing you said. Breaking down my party-day schedule for people who want to be in the know.

Oh great, honey. I've always said you were a magician
.

Tell the good people what a magician I am!

This woman is a magician!

I am. I feel great. I feel super-great.

Okay. I'm working a half and then I'll go to the deli on my way home and pick up the stuff
.

And the special mustard.

And the special mustard
.

Honey, do you ever breathe in and feel like someone put your oxygen on ice?

Hmm?

Nothing. Just get out of here, you big galoot. There he goes. That was my prince, my number one fan.

Okay, next thing we're going to do is get out the old stone tablet and chisel our list of all the dishes that are going to be part of the big holiday smorgasbord. Here we go. Fondue. Check. Potato torta. Deviled eggs. Classic. Spare ribs and dip. Black bean dip. Side of tortilla strips with those. Peanut and dill dips with roasted veggies. Having roasted veggies as opposed to raw is so much classier, I think. Focaccia and tapenade. Crab and artichoke dip, which is so cheesy and good. Dates and Parmesan. Jumbo shrimp—gotta love that oxymoron—and cocktail sauce. Mini quiches. Throw 'em in the oven. Easy. Curried phyllo triangles. Always a winner. Nuts. Mediterranean meatballs. Baked brie with pear and cranberry preserves. Salmon with my special orange miso sauce.

There. Mouth watering yet? And we haven't even gotten to the dessert buffet. Hold onto your hips! I've made chocolate truffles and Rice Krispies treats and cookies with broken candy cane pieces on top, and of course we have Linzer torte. And Jeannette is bringing the strudel when she comes over. Now, I'm going to put this list up on the fridge, so I can easily refer to it. There's a tip for you. And let's go pull my dress out of the guest room closet and take the plastic off to air it out. Size four, fits better than ever. Red satin. Satin Doll. The Lady in Red. I heard a terrible story on the radio about how toxic dry-cleaning is, but I have to say, there are certain stains that definitely need to be removed by chemicals. And get your mind out of the gutter on that one because I am referring to a thick, creamy white substance called … Miracle Whip. What do you think of Dijonaisse? I don't like it, thank you for asking.

You know what? This is actually fun, talking to nobody and everybody all at once. It makes me feel free somehow. A creative outlet for a gal who's always liked to let it all hang out. There's been a little lull since closing night of
The Dinner Party
. I don't know how many of you saw me reprise my role as Yvonne. That was a blast, as anything by Neil Simon always is, but it's good to have a project like this to keep my juices flowing before the next audition. Rick says they're talking about doing Durang's
Beyond Therapy
in the fall. Total laugh riot! We shall see, we shall see.

Next thing we're going to do is hop in the Cube and take care of a few last-minute errands. I love that car. Why not be fun? Now, there are certain things that you have to do on the day of the party. Flowers, for one. I'm sure I'll end up receiving a few bouquets from my minions, but it's good to lay down a floral foundation, so to speak. I can see here as I pull away that Mr. Paco did an amazing job on the yard yesterday. He is not your typical blow-and-go gardener, so if anyone wants a referral, I'll get you in touch with my man Paco and his sons. I hate this speed bump.

Oh, just go. GO! Jesus fuck, could you learn the rules of the road? The zipper effect! Learn it! Never any parking down here anymore. My turn, my turn! Oh, those trees are cute. They put little packages underneath them. What? Are you kidding me? Kip's is supposed to be open by now and it's not. All right, people of the planet, who exactly has the spare time to sit in the car for ten minutes while this woman diddles around in the back heating up her oatmeal packet in the microwave or whatever she's doing while there are customers here? I'll be right back.

12/20, 10:06 a.m. Audio Recording #3

Done and done. Tuberoses are sent from heaven. I thought she was going to try and overcharge me like she did last time, but apparently I made an impression. Now off to get the ice. Uh-oh. Phone call!

Sasha! I have you on the Bluetooth!

What time do I have to be home?

Well, hello, wonderful daughter. Good morning and hello. The party starts at five, but you should come home early to get pretty and help me out. And you have your appointment at 2:30.

I don't know what you're talking about
.

Your weekly appointment.

Oh. I'm not going
.

Of course you are. I'm out and about, so I could pick you up right now if you want, okay? Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Sasha? Oy! Sasha!

Fifty shekels and a crêpe suzette to anyone who can solve this teenage epidemic of attention deficit and nihilism running roughshod through our society right now. At least when we were young, we used to care about something. Green means go, Lexus. Pick it up!

New topic. Kids … This is my radio announcer's voice, by the way, back when I did voice-over. Kids, have you ever been to a party that ran out of ice? Major bummer! Or how about when the hostess uses oniony ice from her funky old ice cube trays? Boo! Hiss! We definitely don't want that, so make sure to stop by Silver Liquor and pick up three ten-pound bags of ice for your party. You'll be glad you did!

The last thing we have to do—oh there's Linda Hakido. Linda! Linda! You're coming, right? Don't forget your dancing shoes!

You should have seen her husband last year. A real party animal.

All right, we need to stop and get a couple more cans of crab-meat because now I'm remembering how fast that dip went last year. Come with me into the singular oasis that is Food Town. You think it's going to be a crap store from the outside, but they carry almost everything I ever need except for my brand of tampons.

12/20, 10:42 a.m. Audio Recording #4

Mohammed! I need more crab in the can! I'm having my big shindig tonight and the natives are restless. And hungry! [
Mumbling
] Well, yes. Yes, you are cordially invited, Mohammed. Of course you are. [
Mumbling
] Oh, I thought you were serious! Okay, then. Happy holidays.

Whew, sheesh. He had me going there for a minute. He did. Not that I wouldn't have him in my house, but I barely know him. We're already packed to the rafters with real friends, which might be a good topic for a separate installment. Who to invite and why? Inquiring minds. Let's get Jim on the horn.

Jim Whiting, manservant!

Stop it! I just want you to remember the dark mustard.

I'm remembering the dark mustard!

Great. I've already got the flowers and the ice and more crab-meat and I'm heading back, pronto.

You're not getting wound up, are you?

No, except for Sasha who's pulling a disappearing act.

Okay, remember to stay calm and everything's going to be fine
.

Ciao, honey.

Ciao
.

12/20, Noon. Audio Recording #5

Home again, home again, jiggity jig. I'll put the ice in the garage freezer and get the flowers in their vases and get on to the rest of the food prep while I have my smoothie. First I get all the veggie chopping out of the way, then I grate the cheeses and get the eggs boiling. I know you can't see me right now, but I feel as if I'm moving like a panther. Can you see me, God? Am I moving like a panther? Like, right now, as I go from cupboard to fridge to microwave to pantry to chopping block. What kind of cat am I? I want answers, and here are the meatballs nestled in their Tupperware right where I left them.

[
The stereo plays Van Morrison's greatest hits while chopping and various other kitchen noises are heard. Elayne sings along, most exuberantly to “Brown Eyed Girl,” which she replays three times in a row, getting louder and more into it each time. A muffled sound that could be crying is briefly heard. Elayne blows her nose
.]

Some people find food prep boring, but I find it meditative. Let's go make sure all the chafing dishes and serving platters are where I need them and then I'm going to talk to you all about something very important. Are you ready? Galileo, you're a good doggie. So handsome. Okay. Here goes: I always feared the Taj Mahal would look like a giant biscuit box! I repeat, I always feared the Taj Mahal would look like a giant biscuit box! That's the genius of Christopher Durang, and if I don't get the part of Prudence, some little fagalag is going to be strung up by his balls. Of course we know I'm talking about Walker, who is one of my closest friends, even though he has no tact. Watch him take over the piano from Jim tonight. Just you wait!

Living room? Spectacular. There is not a mote of dust to be found after yesterday's white tornado, and I've got my bar stocked with everything you could imagine, plus I am doing a special seasonal drink. There are even a couple Santa hats there in a basket because I thought it would be cute for people to wear them when they take turns behind the bar.

Now, we shower. Don't look, recording device! I'm going to expose myself.

12/20, 3:13 p.m. Audio Recording #6

Oh, that's better. Lying down for just a minute to gather my strength. Oh, forget about it. I've got things to do.

Slide into this hot little number. Like a glove, I tell you. I'm doing my hair in a messy bun. There was a gal in the Rush Street Players who used to do this style and I think we've got similarly shaped heads and it just works. You want something loose and casual when you are rocking a dress this sexy, that's for certain. To pantyhose or not to pantyhose? That is the question!

Oh boy. This is important. One of the last things I do after I reward myself with a pre-party vodka is step outside the front door. Then I walk in as if I am a guest in my own home. Let's do it together.

Hmmm. What do we see? Where is my eye drawn? For instance, look at Sasha's ponytail holder sitting right next to little Kris Kringle. That's not very tidy, is it? Or look how the poinsettias are just slightly off-center on the mantle. I tell you, so much of this is in the eye. I'm not sure that it can be taught, the way that I see, but hopefully you're getting something out of this. I know I am! There's Jim opening the garage. Jim! How's the deli tray look?