The Sisters Club (8 page)

Joey said he looked like a praying mantis! Ha!

OK. So, I’m not jumping-up-and-down, falling-over-thrilled for Alex the way Mom would be. Where’s Mom when you need her?

All I know is, Mom’ll make me help Alex with her lines, over and over and over. And in this house, plays always end up in a fight.

Alex says I just don’t get the beauty of acting. I guess she’s right. If you ask me, acting makes you sweat. Acting makes you want to throw up. Acting makes you afraid to fall. Take it from me.

I was onstage once, and only once.

I was a human piñata. No lie. I did not make this up. I am not exaggerating.

It was my first (and last!) time onstage.

Ask Joey. Ask Alex. Ask half the town of Acton. It was for Joey’s birthday one time. Alex convinced me it would be fun to put on a play, and I wanted to be like my big sister, my mom, and my dad. But she did not tell me what the part was.

All I knew was I only had to remember one line: “Yum! Candy!” I knew I could do that. For days, I walked around the house, reciting, “Yum! Candy!” and rubbing my tummy like I was in a Campbell’s Soup commercial or something.

What I didn’t know was that I had to dress like Big Bird, get poked with a broomstick, and hang like a beehive in the wind.

The play was about this old washerwoman (Alex, of course) who comes into this house at night. She sees a piñata hanging there for the birthday party the next day. She knows the piñata is full of candy and can’t resist trying some. So she gives the piñata — also known as
me
— a poke with her broom!

Dad strapped me into this contraption thingy, like a swing. It had all these straps so I could hang from the beam port, a big opening in the ceiling of the theater where more lights can hang.

It was so hot inside the bird that I could hardly breathe. I was pretty much gasping for air. And I remember hearing the little kids in the audience say, “Hey, I hear the piñata breathing!”

Anyway, whenever the washerwoman poked me, no candy was supposed to come out. But when she wasn’t looking, I was supposed to say “Yum! Candy!” and throw down some candy to the kids.

That part was fun. At first . . .

But as soon as the kids started figuring out there was candy in there, they all ran up onstage and started jumping at me. They took Alex’s broom, and she didn’t even try to take it back! I threw down all the candy I had, but they kept poking me to try to get more. By this time, I was spinning around and around in circles. I was so dizzy, I couldn’t feel my head. I was sure I’d throw up.

I yelled, “Stop! Let me down! Hey! Stop!” but the kids just kept jabbing and poking. Dad was operating the ropes from above. When he finally figured out what was going on, he tried to pull me up instead of lowering me into the sugar-crazed mob. The grand finale: my Big Bird costume got stuck going through the ceiling.

So, as you can see, being a human piñata was not exactly my ticket to stardom. See why I’m not in plays like the rest of the nuts (nut jobs!) around here?

BIOGRAPHY OF ALEX REEL, FAMOUS ACTRESS

Alex Reel is the firstborn child of the actress Susan Reel, who has acted for many years at the Raven, and former actor Richard Reel, whose famous roles include King Lear.

Alex has always been the light of their lives. Gifted since birth, Alex follows in the footsteps of generations of Reel actors to perform in such plays as
Mushroom in the Rain, The Fifth-Grade Nerd
(she was not the nerd),
Heidi,
and
The Sound of Music.
Her current role of Beauty in
Beauty and the Beast
is expected to take her to new heights on the way to stardom in an already stellar acting career.

POSSIBLE STAGE NAMES:

Alexis

Cricket Seagull

Alexandra Love Reel

Julia Trulove

Topaz

BLABBERMOUTH AND THE BEAST

Starring Alex

Me:
Knock, knock. (Making fake knocking noise by clicking tongue in doorway of sisters’ room.)

Me:
(To sisters.)
Sisters Club Meeting! Sisters Club Meeting!

Stevie:
Now?

Joey:
In here?

Me:
Your room’s bigger.

Stevie:
Ha! It is not!

Me:
C’mon, you guys. You’re always saying we don’t get to have fun anymore. This’ll be fun. I promise.

Stevie:
Like how?

Me:
Like we’re going to put on a play.

Joey:
Yay!

Stevie:
That’s not a real Sisters Club thing. That’s just a way to get
us
to help
you
practice your lines.

Joey:
Who cares? C’mon, Stevie.

Stevie:
Can’t you just practice with Scott Towel? I don’t feel like —

Me:
You owe me. Don’t make me say “thirty-dollar pot holder”!

Stevie:
OK, OK.

Me:
Good. It’s all settled, then. I, the most beautiful sister, get to be Beauty. I will also be the director, of course.

Joey:
You always get to boss everybody.

Me:
It’s
my
play. Stevie, you’re Beast.

Stevie:
I’m
Beast
? What do I do?

Me:
First of all, you can’t just say lines. Get into the character. Feel what it’s like to be Beast.

Stevie:
Feel what it’s like to be all hairy and ugly?

Me:
You know what I mean. Here, put a fuzzy blanket around you. It will help you feel more Beast-y. Joey, you’re the narrator.

Joey:
Can’t I be Chip the Teacup, like in the movie?

Me:
You’re going to be Joey the Broken Cup if you don’t stop arguing. You’re our stand-in if we need a tree or a horse, too.

Joey:
A tree and a horse don’t even talk!

Me:
Then do sound effects. OK, everybody. Quiet on the set. Joey, start reading here. Action!

Joey:
“Once there was a merchant who was very rich. He had three daughters. The youngest was not only prettier than her sisters, but the nicest.”

Stevie:
Hey! You’re making that up.

Joey:
Nah-uh. Look. It says right here.

Me:
OK, blah blah. Let’s say all Beauty asked for was a rose. When the dad picks one of Beast’s roses, Beast says the father must die unless he gives him his daughter.

Joey:
Hey! You just took my whole part.

Me:
Never mind that. Let’s take up where Beauty first comes to stay with Beast. Stevie, upstage left.

Stevie:
Huh?

Me:
It’s blocking. Forget it. Just stand over by the window.
(Joey taps yogurt containers against desk for horse galloping.)

Stevie:
“Tell me now, do you not consider me very ugly?”

Me:
“I do, since I cannot but speak the truth. But I also find you very kind.”

Stevie:
“Alas, in addition to being ugly, I’m afraid I’m also dim-witted. I am a mere beast.”

Me:
Say it like you mean it. And don’t just look out the window. Mr. Cannon says, “Respond to your fellow actors.”

Stevie:
Is Mr. Cannon this bossy?

Me:
Stand like this, with your legs bent. Arm out. Mr. Cannon says keep your character in your head, but let your body tell the story.

Stevie:
Does Mr. Cannon say this play should be called
Blabbermouth and the Beast
?

Me:
(Ignoring her.)
“Nonsense. A dim-witted person would not admit it so. Besides, you have a kind heart. When I think of that, you are no longer ugly.”

Stevie:
“Beauty, will you be my wife?”
(Laughing.)

Me:
C’mon, Stevie. You can’t just crack up.

Joey:
Oh, Beauty, my Beauty. Kiss me, O Beauteous One. You know you want to.
Mww, mww, mww.
(Makes kissing sounds.)
I’m not really an ugly Beast. I’m Scott Towel.
Mww, mww.

Me:
Joey! We don’t need sound effects for kissing!

Stevie:
Hey, just so you know, I’m not going to kiss you or anything, if that’s what you think.

Me:
Stop acting like babies, you guys. This is
acting.

Stevie:
I’m still not kissing you.

Joey:
Here, kiss this.
(Shows roll of paper towels.)

Stevie:
Great idea, Joey. Paper towels can be Beast.

Joey:
The paper towels can be Scott Towel. Get it?

Me:
I’m not kissing a roll of paper towels.

Stevie:
Go with it, Alex.
Feel
the part.

Joey:
Maybe this’ll help.
(Draws face on paper towels.)

Stevie:
Perfect!
(Holds paper-towel Beast out toward Beauty.)
“Beauty, will you be my wife?”

Me:
(Kissing paper towels.)
Mww! Mww!
Good-bye, Dear Beast. I shall miss you so.

Stevie:
I can’t believe you actually did it.

Joey:
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Alex kissed paper towels!

Me:
You guys have paper towels on the brain. Rule Number One in acting is don’t be afraid to look stupid.

Stevie:
You sure got that rule down.
(Stevie and Joey fall on the floor, laughing.)

Me:
You guys don’t know anything — about acting or boys or kissing.

Joey:
We know one thing. Alex is in love with a paper towel!
(Falls on floor, laughing some more.)