The Silver Lining (17 page)

“Salad is fine,” I grumbled. “Salad is way better than pancakes,” I grumbled again.

Chad didn’t say anything. He just pushed me back to my condo. As soon as we conquered the steps and pushed up over the door frame we were okay. Once inside I wheeled myself over to the couch and slid over from the chair to it. I could hear my phone going off from Chad’s pocket.

“It’s Emily,” Chad said, as he continued to stare down at the screen.

“Give it to me then.” I attempted to reach out in the air for it.

“Snappy thing you are, here.” He handed me the phone and knitted his eyebrows together.

“Hey,” I answered.

“Hey.”

“You made it home safe. That’s good.” What a stupid fucking thing to say. Of course she made it home. I sounded like an idiot.

“Yup. I’m home. How are you?”

Chad waved his hands in the air, impatiently waiting for me to ask her the question. I swatted him away.

“I’m okay. I’m just trying to adapt to my environment as a temporary handicapped person.”

“I know, right. I feel bad you broke your arm and leg.”

“How do you feel?” I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Sore. Everything hurts. My head throbs every now and then. The last x-ray said the swelling went down, so they sent me packing. It will be nice to get a good night’s rest in my own bed.”

I closed my eyes as she spoke. The words were already warming up in my mouth.

“What was that look you gave Nico at the hospital?”

“What look?”

Chad came back and sat down on the couch. He had a beer in one hand and a bowl of pretzels in the other. He was just gawking at me. I frowned at him.

“You told him you were pregnant and he looked upset. He turned to walk out and this look came across your face. I want to know what you were thinking, and be honest with me.”

“I don’t know, sympathy maybe.”

“I don’t get it,” I spit out.

“Where are you going with this question? Are you asking me if I still have feelings for him? Because that’s what this feels like.” Her tone had changed.

“Yeah, maybe.”

She remained silent and I sat there tensing up as the seconds passed.

“You know what, James? I think we jumped the gun on this whole thing between us. The car accident was a big deal. Emotions were high and words were said that may have not been meant. We should take a break and give our-self time to think about what we both want to do.”

“I don’t need time to think. I said I love you and I meant it. You sent me a text that said you loved me. What is there to think about? Did you not mean what you sent to me?”

“Like I said, emotions were high. Let’s let the dust settle down and see how we feel then.”

I looked at Chad. He threw his hands up with curiosity. I just shook my head.

“What is really going on here? What happened from yesterday to now?” I asked.

“Nothing happened. I just feel like I need to take a few steps back and see the bigger picture.”

“And what is this bigger picture?” My stomach was in knots.

“We hardly know each other. We were swept up together in a living arrangement that became romantic, and now a baby is about to be thrown into the mix.”

“And?”

“I just think things are moving way too damn fast.”

“You don’t think I know that this thing between us is not your average love story. Where the hell is this coming from?”

It suddenly dawned on me that she had a car ride home with fuck face, Nico. God knows what he spit into her ear.

“What did he say to you?”

“Who?” she responded.

“Nico. I want to know what he said to you on the ride home that has you back stepping.”

She was quiet. “James, I don’t think we should be together.”

Whoa. I held my breath for a second and then slowly released the air.

“This is crazy. You can’t be serious.”

“James.”

“After everything, that’s really how you feel?” I could just feel myself turning red.

“I can’t do this with you,” she replied.

“You don’t mean it. You’re just scared.”

“I don’t want to be with you anymore! It’s done. It’s over,” she trailed off.

There they were, the words that Mike had talked about. I felt them slice right through me. I sat perfectly still, heart bleeding out, in a daze. I wasn’t sure what to say at first.

“What about the baby?” I blurted out.

“I don’t know. I still have time to think things through, and make a decision. I’ll be in contact at a later date to let you know.” She paused. “Bye, James.”

I didn’t even say goodbye. I just hung up. Chad stared at me with eyes as wide as saucers.

“What happened? Holy shit. Your forehead vein just popped out.” Chad leaned in.

“She just ended things with me, says she not sure about the baby either.”

“I think she’s just overwhelmed. You two had a near death experience. It was scary.”

“No. I heard the tone in her voice.”

I ran my hands through my hair and grunted. I jerked my neck up when I heard tapping on the door. Chad looked at me and then over to the sound.

“Expecting company?”

“Nope,” I said, jiggling my good knee in frustration.

“It’s a guy,” Chad said, as he looked through the peephole. I shrugged. He slowly opened the door.

“James, here?”

I recognized the voice. “Come in, Mike.”

He strode in smiling and carrying a six pack of beer. “Welcome home, man. I showed up at the hospital too late. They said you had already left.”

I tried to smile, but I just couldn’t, not after that conversation. “Thank you for coming.”

“What’s going on, bro? You look down. You miss the hospital that much?”

“He’s having girl issues,” Chad mumbled.

I eyeballed my brother for a second. He shrugged and walked away. Mike just looked at me.

“No more chasing, Mike. She gave me the words,” I said, as I leaned all the way against the couch.

Mike frowned and then sat down on the cushion next to me. He placed the entire six pack on my lap and nodded to it. I looked down at the beer and placed my hand on top of one.

“We might need more alcohol than this. I’m getting shit faced tonight.”

This wasn’t like me. Why was I writing a pros and cons for James? I couldn’t help myself at the time being. Nico’s opinions were lodged in my brain and no matter what I said to myself, his words seemed to overshadow and outweigh anything I could come up with. It was my fault though for telling him about James and how we met. I wanted him to see how close James and I were, and the struggles we had already faced, but nothing I said stopped Nico from firing off the worst comments.

“Emily, he comes from money. You will never fit into his world.”

But, he’s different. He’s kind and generous and nothing like those people I work for.

“Emily, he probably just feels sorry for you. Guys like him can have any woman.”

But he chose me. He told me he loved me. I can see it in his eyes
.

“Emily, he only said he loved you, because you’re pregnant.”

No. He wouldn’t do that. I gave him an out. He didn’t take it.

Nico always saw the obvious in things. He never held back and he always told the truth. He was still in love with me after all of these years and I accepted that. You can’t stop the way someone felt for you. Although I worried that his feelings got in the way and that he was jealous of James, so hearing and believing what he said when it came to me was difficult.

“All he is, is money dressed down looking for a poor girl to break. He’s going to hurt you, break your heart, and this time I won’t be around to stop it,” Nico warned.

That was all it took. I cringed as I recalled what happened. The painful memories flooded in as I remembered Johnny. He was the first guy I was serious with after Nico. We fell in love, moved in and became engaged. We were inseparable at first, just two love birds stuck at the hip, basically. It was that make believe love you see in the movies. Everything was great, until he was fired from his job. That’s when my dream became a nightmare. He turned irritable and depressed as the liquor consumed him. I tried to fight for him, I did. He refused to listen. The more I fought, the more he drank. The more he drank the angrier he became. It was a vicious cycle.

I never saw the abuse coming, and I guess that’s why it hurt me so bad. I had always asked myself how a woman could stay with a man who hit them, and now I knew the answer. It’s the love inside of us. We think we can fix him. We think if I just loved him a little harder, and fought a little more for him than it would make everything better. It’s not our fault. It’s built into our genetic makeup. It’s what we are good at, loving you. Women are God’s nurturers here on Earth. We give until we can’t give anymore. It’s both our strength and our weakness, but the truth is that some men are incapable of love. Sometimes they lose it and sometimes they never had it to begin with. Either way I’ve always released these toxic guys from my life because they’ll kill you. But to be honest, I didn’t always think this way. There was a really old saying that said listen to your heart. I disagree, my heart was dumb as hell. I followed my heart with Johnny and it was the worst decision I had ever made. It almost cost me my life. I didn’t realize he was toxic until it was too late. I was blinded with love for him.

The abuse cycled in slow, just slow enough to mess with my head. The arguments between us increased over time and fingers were pointed constantly and then it happened. It became evident that there was an issue in our relationship that I hadn’t seen before. It all started with a single handed slap to my face, followed by a sincere apology and a beautiful bundle of red roses. The confusion set in. He hurt me, but he apologized. He seemed really sorry with all of those tears falling down his cheek. I wanted to leave him, but I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I just go? Charm over threw everything and here I was still with him. Soon after, Johnny’s drinking increased to where he was drunk from morning until night. The next few arguments were dark. We argued over bills and the lack of money and his addiction. He didn’t like being called an addict so he punched me this time and then stormed out. He came back hours later with pretty jewelry and expensive champagne. That was the moment I should have left, but I didn’t. I stayed and I felt so weak for doing it. I felt like a doormat for letting him hit me, but at this point I was terrified. The depression set in and my self-worth became so low that I hated everything I saw in me. I wanted out at any cost. I couldn’t watch him perish, and take me with him. One day I waited until Johnny left for the bar and then I packed up all of my things in hopes of heading back home to Mexico, so I could try to re-build my life. I was too scared to call my brother, because he probably would have murdered Johnny. I didn’t want revenge. I just wanted out, so I called Nico who lived in Los Angeles at the time. I begged him to come pick me up. I told him everything, and then I nervously waited for him arrive. Johnny came home earlier that day than he normally did when he left the house. He found my suitcases planted next to the door. This angered him. We fought and we screamed. He pushed and I pulled away until I could break free. I ran straight into the garage to seek safety, and that is where he grabbed a pipe and hit me over and over again in the back of the head. I was close to death, laying in my own blood when Nico arrived. He beat the hell out of Johnny and saved my life that night. I should have listened to Nico. He warned me to stay away from Johnny. He told me that he didn’t think Johnny was good for me. He had only met the guy once so I refused to listen to him, and see what happened. I looked down at the white college lined paper, and scribbled a few things.

Pros-handsome, generous, kind, funny, persistent, brave, great sex.

I feel…something amazing inside of me when I am with him.

Cons- Our worlds clash financially, family baggage, prison record.

I feel…scared. I feel afraid.
I worry. I just worry.

Ugh! I looked at the paper in disgust and crumpled it. It was time to think with my head. This was a man I barely knew. I refused to become attached. I wouldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t put myself in danger. I needed to give myself some time to sort out all of these feelings. I was already in too deep. What the hell was I thinking sending James that I love you text? I blamed it on the accident. I blamed it on the baby. I refused to let myself be loved or love another. I looked at my phone and decided to send a clear text to James.

Emily
: I thought long and hard over the past few days, and I think that the best thing for both of us is if we go about our lives in different directions. I have decided to terminate the pregnancy. It’s for the best. I wish you well.

My stomach was sick as I pushed send. My heart was beating through my chest and I could hardly breathe. Why did I do that? I felt like throwing up. Oh God! Knowing James he would call back immediately, yelling and screaming. James was a fighter. He would probably figure out a way to get over here to set me straight. Is that what I wanted, for him to keep digging after me? I wasn’t even sure what I wanted anymore. I might have just made the worst decision of my life. I could feel the bile in my stomach rising as I waited for it. Maybe this could be fixed. I stared at the phone in desperation, but nothing ever came. No response. No text. No call.