The She-Hulk Diaries (30 page)

Not that I had a clever response.

Went home, yanked off clothes, and crawled into bed. After ten minutes, I called Dahlia and told her what had happened.

She failed to lure me out, though, and I pulled the blanket over my head and went to sleep.

I woke suddenly. My brain was spinning and I was starving. I grabbed Shulky’s most revealing purple shorty-shorts, black leather bikini top, silver fingerless gloves, and purple boots from the closet. I didn’t have a clear plan in mind, but I transformed with a satisfying shiver and She-Hulk took the elevator down to the private entrance.

She used the tunnels to get to her favorite all-night food truck, then ran as fast as she could to the children’s hospice. The amazed night nurse let her in and gave her directions to Jordy’s room.

Shulky tapped on the door before slipping inside, and delicious aromas wafted from the paper bag she carried.

Jordy’s bed was on the far side of the room, by the windows. She pulled the privacy curtain around it and sat on a visitor’s chair, crossing one divinely long leg over the other.

“Jordy!” she whispered. “Jordy!”

The teen opened his eyes. He took a second to focus on her.

“God, please don’t let me wake up from this dream!” he said.

She took a cardboard box out of the bag, flipped open the cover, and picked out a French fry. Then she chomped it down and said, “Yummy!
I’m both a dream of a girl and real, all six-feet-seven-inches. Are you hungry?” She reached over to stroke his forehead. His skin was feverishly warm.

He clutched her hand. “Shulky, you’re really here! How did you…”

“Big E passed a message to my friend, Jenny Walters. She was here the other day for story time.”

“That weird geeky girl?”

“Yeah, that’s the one.” Shulky grinned. “Do you want some nacho fries? They’re like nachos, but with French fries instead of chips, and Filipino barbecue beef.”

He frowned. “I had my dinner like hours ago.”

“Then you must be hungry again. It’s the most genius meal in this part of the galaxy, and quite possibly the entire universe.” She passed a cardboard container to him.

He took a bite of the cheesy fries, and his face lit up. “Oh, my god!”

“Right?” she said. “I hope whoever invented this doesn’t use his powers for evil instead of for good, because I’d be helpless.”

As they noshed, he said, “Will you tell me some stories?”

“Jordy, I bet you’ve heard all my stories. Tell me some of yours. Tell me what you’re going do when you break out of this place.”

His expression became serious. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen. When I pretend I’m sleeping, I hear the docs talking about me. They only give me six months to live, tops.”

Shulky twirled a French fry and grinned wickedly. “You want to know how many times I’ve been told I’m going to die?
All the frickin’ time.
Dr. Doom says it to me every time he sees me.” She opened and closed her hand, mimicking a mouth. “ ‘She-Hulk, the time has come for you to bid farewell to your reckless and vulgar existence, yadda yadda yadda!’ ”

Jordy laughed. “Dr. Doom didn’t really say yadda yadda yadda!”

“Maybe not, but I kind of zone out when he talks because he keeps
going on
about how he’s going to kill me and how my resistance is futile against his greater will and intelligence. The thing about Victor von Dumb is that he’s toxically bitter and he desperately needs to vent, so he
describes in boring detail his scheme to control the world that done him wrong just because his face is hideous. And I’m like, ‘Dude, seriously?’ Meanwhile, I’m figuring out a way to smash his stupid head in and foil his sinister plot. He never learns, and he always comes back for another beat-down, which I am pleased to give his whiney ass.”

“Maybe he’s got a crush on you,” Jordy said, and started laughing so hard he coughed.

Shulky handed him a glass of water. “We’re talking about me again. Tell me what
you
want to do when you get better.”

“Computer stuff. Not ruling-the-world computer stuff, but hacking for our government, keeping us safe.”

“The Avengers always need good hackers. It’s a continual game of one-upmanship, trying to create unbreakable encryptions and also trying to crack them.”

“That’s what I like to do! I like puzzling them out and making twistier puzzles,” he said. “I wouldn’t be a dweeb or anything. I’d have slick suits and travel everywhere and be cool, like Big E.”

In a show of loyalty, Shulky said, “There are different kinds of cool, a whole spectrum of it. My friend Jennifer’s totally cool, but in a quiet, nerdy, charmingly awkward way. Where would you like to go?”

Jordy mentioned exotic locations and international hot spots. She’d been to some of them, so she gave him tips on her favorite beaches, favorite ski slopes, favorite active volcanos, and favorite gelato stands. He reached to the shelf for his laptop and said, “Can I interview you about your adventures?”

“Sure,” she said. “Get set up and I’ll tell you about the time I was standing in for the Thing with the Fantastic Four and got stuck on an artificial planet.”

They talked and laughed, and when she heard the night nurse down the hall, Shulky said, “Say, Jordy, have you ever thought about suspended animation?”

“You mean like until a cure gets found for my condition?”

She nodded. “Yeah, like that.”

“No way. I hear that it feels horrible, like ants taking apart every cell of your body and trying to put them together again, and what if someone forgot to wake me up? Or woke me up a hundred years from now and everyone I know is dead and the world is ruled by evil unicorns or something.”

“The last evil unicorns left Earth during Prohibition. They’re major boozers and mean drunks. Okay, so suspended animation is out. What about a cyborg body?”

He shook his head. “Nah, I want to feel things. I don’t care what people say about cyborg synapses; they’re not at the same level as a human’s, and don’t ask me if I want a brain transplant. I don’t want
any
body but my body, except healthy.”

She grinned and said, “Thought I’d run a few things by you, but I see you’ve considered them.”

“I have—but I know you’re a brainiac, so it’s good to have you thinking, too. We’ll figure something out, right?”

“Right!”

The nurse tapped on the door and said, “Time for Jordan to get some rest, Miss She-Hulk.”

“May I hug Jordy good-bye?” Shulky asked.

“Only if you don’t crush him. Let me remove his IV.”

Shulky lifted the teen from his bed very gently and twirled around with him in her arms.

“Can we go up on the roof?” he asked, and Shulky said, “If it’s okay.”

The nurse nodded, and Shulky bundled a blanket around the boy and carried him up onto the roof. She was aware of the frailness of the arms circling her neck.

“I want to go out there,” Jordy said, looking up into the night sky. “I want to see a new planet—even an artificial one—at least once.”

“Jordy, you hold tight to that dream. The astral plane where spirits live is beautiful, but there’s no need for you to rush there,” she said. “The one thing I’ve learned is that life isn’t simple and linear. You never know
where it bends, folds, or gets in a tangle, so I always keep my balance and try to ride out the waves, dude.”

He repeated the phrase, and then she said, “Time for me to say good night.”

She carried him back to his room, set him on the bed, and then kissed his cheek.

“I’m not ever gonna forget this night, Shulky.”

“I won’t forget you either, Jordy. Sweet dreams.”

It was times like these that I forgave her for every crazy exasperating thing she did, which is why I didn’t complain when she decided to toilet paper Karl Lagerfeld’s penthouse and use shaving cream to write “More is More is More!” on all of his windows. While he had guests inside. At least Nicole thought it was funny, but Aussies always got Shulky’s humor.

The Fritz Colleagues-with-Benefits countdown looms. I have six days to give him my decision. On one hand, I like him and he’s got a trim, firm, athlete’s body. On the other hand, still no
zings!
If I had a third hand, like some of my clients, there’s also the fact it has been a very long time since I’ve
dated had romantic relations
had sex. The reason friends-with-benefits doesn’t work is because someone always wants more time together. But Fritz and I spent our days together already. Efficiency is a strong selling point.

Ellis’s sister called me at the office and said, “Hi, Jenny, I know you’re terribly busy, but the kids have been asking if you’ll be here tomorrow.”

“Hi, Kate. I
am
terribly busy…” I said, which was usually enough for most people, but she was undeterred.

“I know you’re caught up in the ReplaceMax case,” she said. “It’s just that the kids don’t understand adult deadlines. They live for the moment, and the moment is all many of them have. If you can spare an hour… Oh, and Jordan, the older boy, really wants to see you again. He wants to thank you for telling She-Hulk about him. He said that was a really cool thing to do.”

“She enjoyed meeting him.” I looked at my crowded calendar and saw a break between depos. “I’m sure Ellis will do a great job with the kids.”

“He will, but they liked you. I know things were a little awkward before, when he showed up so late, but he’s usually very responsible. Maybe you weren’t aware of that. I mean, if that was what’s keeping you from coming back.”

“No, of course not. I’ll try to make it.”

“That’s great! See you tomorrow.”

Here’s how my brain translated that conversation:

I stared at the phone as if it had been an accomplice in betraying me.

After settling into my paperwork, I had almost quelled my Ellis anxiety when I heard an ominous
tap-tap-tap
, like Poe’s raven, on the glass wall of my office. I looked up with a sense of foreboding and saw Ellis
standing there, looking exactly like a guy who’d perfected the art of steamy sexual congress in the tight confines of muscle cars.

He’d seen me, so it was too late to hide under my desk. I raked through my hair with my fingers, wishing I’d had a trim, and waved him in.