The She-Hulk Diaries (31 page)

He entered and closed the door behind him, and I became terrified that he would proposition me. Because I didn’t know if I could resist his overwhelming virile allure.

“Hi… [significant pause] Jennifer.”

“Hello, Ellis. Nice to see you again.” I tried to sound clipped and efficient. I was a renowned attorney! I
never very rarely
only occasionally had carnal relations with men at the office. And I never ever have carnal relations with engaged men.

I could see Donner at his station, with his typewriter/computer, pretending not to watch.

“I was in the building…” Significant pause with a meaningful look that made me want to confess to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby, committing the Black Dahlia murder, and shoplifting a grape-flavored Chapstick from a gas station minimart when I was ten. “Actually, I wasn’t in the building. I came here to thank you for asking She-Hulk to visit Jordy. He’s been on cloud nine all week.”

I fought the urge to throw myself at his feet and plead for mercy from his overwhelming hunkiness. “Shulky likes kids. Well, she likes most kids in theory, but she said she liked Jordy in person.” Why had I used “theory”? Would he think I was referring to the band? Was my subconscious creating its own subtext? Agh! He shrugged his big hunky shoulders. Or brawny. He had that old-timey kind of manly build, that
let me carry that for you little lady
appeal. He said, “I didn’t think you’d do a favor for a jackass.”

My face went hot, and other parts of me did other things. “The favor was for Jordy, not for you.”

“Good point,” he said, and the corner of his mouth lifted. “Since She-Hulk visited, Jordy’s interacting more. He laughs and talks. He’s hopeful.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

Instead of leaving, Ellis dropped into the visitor’s chair, and my anxiety, already on ten, cranked up to eleven. He looked around the room. “Nice office.”

“It isn’t my artwork. I think I’m supposed to order some, but I really can’t tell what’s good and what’s not.”

“Amber collects postmodern pieces. She has a very discerning eye. You can ask her for advice.”

“This is fine.” I sat up, and I inhaled deeply, needing oxygen. I saw his glance travel down to my bosom. That shows how anxious I was—I was thinking with my grandmother’s vocabulary. Did he think I was trying to show off my boobs? “Um, artwork doesn’t really matter to me.”

“Really? [Significant pause.] So many people move here because of the arts.”

“What I meant to say is that I’m more interested in the performing arts. I follow opera and theater,” I said, thinking of the Three Tenors and
Wicked
. “Also, literature. It was wonderful reading
The Once and Future King
to the kids. I must have read it half a dozen times when I was young.”

“I always thought of it as a boys’ story.”

“Girls are interested in magic and sword fights, too.”

“I didn’t mean it as a criticism. I’m just trying to [significant pause] figure you out.”

We stared at each other. My throat became dry, and I had that panicky feeling I get sometimes right before Shulky emerges. But I didn’t feel her anywhere inside. I said, “Sorry, most men assume that all we want is to be the fairy princess.”

“Lots of girls
do
want to be the fairy princess. [Pause.] But I never took you for that type. [Excruciating pause.] I’m sorry. I’m presuming to know you better than I… do. You, of course, know me from my songs, right?”

Which songs did he mean—the songs I knew before I met him, the Gin Cycle songs, or his entire discography? I had to swallow in order to speak clearly. “Ellis, I feel that we have not effectively established a mutually satisfactory association. Is it possible we can be, um, cordial to each
other the way we would be if we had just met and you were my coworker’s fiancé and I was your father’s top attorney?”

He grinned in a way that made me all woogly inside and said, “
Top
attorney, huh? I won’t tell Amber you said that.”

We shared a smile and then he said, “I hope you can make it tomorrow. Kate and the kids thought you were great.” He stood, seeming to take a long time to get to his full height. “Good-bye [long pause], Jen.”

“Bye, Ellis.”

He nodded and left the room, and I realized that he hadn’t answered my question about starting fresh.

It is eight weeks since I began my Valentine’s Day Resolutions. I had intended to create an Excel spreadsheet to track my goals with a complex system to tally points. However, I always advise my clients, “If you find yourself doing busywork—tasks that serve no real purpose—feel no obligation to continue them. Aim for efficiency.” So I’m giving up the tallies and nitpicky updates.

I have hit a roadblock that is shaped a lot like Ellis Tesla. I am
supposed
to be looking for an apartment. I am
supposed
to be attending cultural events. I am
supposed
to be focusing on Sven Morigi, the ridiculously good-looking future love of my life. I am
supposed
to give Fritz an answer about the sex thing.

I am
not
supposed to be hiding in my work again (even though it’s super-important) and listening to every Fringe Theory song looking for secret meanings in the lyrics that I never found all the other times I obsessively listened to their songs, especially the perplexing “Forged in Fire.”

I’ve read dozens of reviews of that song, many with scientific analyses that said it was a commentary on a possible shift of magnetic polarities, but I always thought it meant something else. I have no idea what, although that isn’t the reason I took a little more time to get ready to go to the hospice. I took more time because I thought I should look nice for the kids.

I arrived at the hospice’s community room just as Ellis finished reading a chapter. When he saw me, he looked surprised, and then he smiled.

“Look who’s here, kids—it’s Jenny, and she’s going to help us with our art projects, right, Jenny?”

“I sure am,” I said, and went to the front of the room. I hoped that children weren’t like dogs and couldn’t sense fear.

Jordy waved to me from his wheelchair. “Hi, Jenny!” he said, and the kids called out to me, too.

“Jenny, do you have any project ideas?” Ellis asked.

“What about magic wands and truncheons?”

“Brilliant, and I’ll do the fairy princess crowns.”

He was different when he was with the kids, which is good because smoldering and/or irate were not approved qualities in a child caregiver. We spread out crafts things, and Ellis put Jordy in charge of a table of younger kids.

I helped Mavis make a magic wand. A boy said, “We did wands last week. Only superheroes have magic.”

“No, anyone can find magic,” I said. “Magic is often right in front of us. We don’t see it because it’s invisible or disguised as something else. Anyone can be magical.”

“Even Big E?”

I looked at Ellis, who was trying to cut cardboard with children’s round-tipped scissors. “Yes, even Ellis.”

The hour whizzed by and soon we were packing up the art supplies. As I picked up scraps of construction paper, Ellis said, “Stay still.” He touched my cheek and brought his finger away. “Glitter. You can’t go back to the office looking like you’ve been to a kindergartner’s party.”

“Or a rave.”

We smiled and then he said, “I’ll see you next week.”

“I can’t make it then.”

“I meant at my EBT. It’s scheduled for Monday.”

“Oh, I thought…” I began. “I’m sorry, Ellis.”

“If you were really sorry, you wouldn’t go forward with the lawsuit.”

“I’m sorry that you’re caught up on the opposing side.”

“I’m not. It’s the right side, and I should know because I wrote the ethical guidelines for ReplaceMax.” His jaw tightened. It was such a nice jaw, too.

“It is inappropriate for us to discuss this here and now.”

“But you will tear me apart under oath, won’t you?”

I wanted to tear him apart in all kinds of ways, but I said, “All I ask is that you tell the truth.”

We were silent and then he turned and walked away from me.

Called D and told her all the pertinent facts.

So I told her all about Dr. Rene Alvarado, we both laughed a lot, and then she said, “You should go to your sessions.”

Woohoo! I get more boyfriend and socializing points—not that I have to keep track of them anymore.

I was still stewing at the office about my close encounter of the Ellis kind, when Dr. Stunning returned a call. I went over a list of questions I had for him, and after he answered, I said, “Thank you so much for your time, Sven. I know litigation is so stressful, and you’ve been doing a marvelous job in your public appearances. If you ever need to vent, I’m here.”

He chuckled on the other end of the line, one of those worldly, elegant chuckles, and said, “You are too kind, Counselor. Now I have kept you late at your office. Allow me to make up for it. Won’t you join me for dinner at my home? We can discuss whatever you like, even if it’s the case.”

“I don’t want to put you to any trouble,” I began.

“My meal is already being prepared, but I’ll enjoy it more with your company.”

My PFLOML was so gracious! I envisioned a life together where we had amazing careers, went to fancy places, and lounged in our luxurious canopied bed discussing opera as a prelude to sophisticated, worldly sex, which I hoped wasn’t too pervy.

I always tell my clients, “If you are offered a job that exceeds your experience, simply request a trial period in which you perform a small task to see if you are comfortable with the larger assignment.” I would restrict
pervyness to dressing up and pretending that I was new in town. I had no idea what I’d do if he suggested spanking. I could try giving him a smack on his bottom, but I knew that Shulky wouldn’t tolerate anyone spanking me, even Dr. Stunning.