The Secrets That We Keep (5 page)

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, I zoned out for a little bit.” I give him a forced smile. He continues to watch me with his brows furrowed. I know he’s wondering where I went. He knows about my family. I mean, he knows they died and that I don’t have anybody else. I told him pretty much everything about what happened the night they d
ied and some of what followed, but not everything.

“Okay,” h
e says hesitantly. “So you’ll be out with the Johnsons then for a couple hours I take it?”

“Yeah, probably.
You can never put a time on these things,” I reply. “You gonna be home for dinner tonight?” I ask him with high hopes.

He turns and looks at me and gives me an apologetic look for not being here yesterday. “Yes, I should be here.”

“Okay, what do you want for dinner?” I ask him. I always ask him what he wants and usually he says it doesn’t matter.

“Umm, h
ow about chicken fried steak?” he asks with a smile. I know it’s his favorite. It’s one of mine too.

“Oh I guess,
” I tease. “I’ll have mashed potatoes with white gravy, Velveeta shells and cheese, and some green beans to go with it too.”

“Oh, I
’ll definitely be home for that,” he says as he rushes over to say goodbye. He gives me a kiss and I pull him to my body.

“I’ll miss you. Ha
ve a good day, and be safe out there,” I say to him, like I do every day.

“I’m always
safe, I told you that. Nobody would dare mess with me,” he says with a little laugh but he also has a serious look in his eyes. I believe him. Anybody would be dumb to mess with Julian. He’s big and muscular and if he isn’t smiling, he tends to look pissed off. He’s got that intense look in his eye all the time. He’s always on the alert, always aware of his surroundings. I love being around him because I know he’ll keep me safe. “You have a good day too,” he says as he kisses my forehead and then walks out of the room.

I snuggle down into the bed, curl up onto my side and bring the covers to my chin and fall back to sleep for a while.

I
sit straight up in bed with a jolt. I’m sweating and my heart is racing. It takes me a couple minutes to calm down and realize it was just a dream, though a nightmare would be a more accurate description. But in reality, it was a memory. A memory that has haunted me for the past several years.

The nightmare is
always a bit different than what actually happened. It started off with me seeing my family. Dead. I’m in shock as I look at their unmoving, lifeless bodies. I am quiet at first, in a daze, then I let out a blood curdling scream when it finally hits me what has happened, and I drop to me knees and sob.

My dream shifts from that scene to a scene that happened after the trial. I’m walking out of the courthouse in a trance. I am in disbelief as to what happened, or didn’t for that matter. No guilty verdict. How could that be? I was sure there would be
one. Manslaughter perhaps, but no, no verdict at all. The word lucky came to mind. I really couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening.

Dream shifts again. I’m at home drinking my father’s whiskey straight out of the bottle. I want to die, I want to be dead and be with my family again. I want to forget everything that has happened in the last six months.

I remember thinking about my beautiful sister Eva. How she will never be able to get married and have kids. How she had her future at her fingertips and it was taken away from her in a matter of minutes. My parents, my wonderful parents who were so in love and so happy, and who only wanted to see their kids grow up and be happy and start families. They wanted ten grandchildren. Something my sister and I told them would never happen. Their lives cut short too. My only solace was that they were together. At least they had each other.

The next scene takes place on a dark street
. I’ve been drinking and I’m sitting in my car. I’m crying as I watch people across the street laughing, smiling, and having a good time. My eyes focus on a particular group of people standing outside of a bar. They seem to have been out celebrating something, they are hugging, shaking hands, giving each other smacks on the back. They look like they could be family, or at least really close friends. I can’t help but be jealous and angry. How dare they be so happy? How dare they not have to suffer? I know it’s unreasonable. I know not everybody is going through what I’m going through. I just don’t want to be alone in my suffering. Somebody else needs to suffer too.

I continue watching them for a
while; I also continue drinking from the whiskey bottle I brought with me. I know it’s wrong, I know I shouldn’t be out here. I shouldn’t be thinking what I’m thinking but I am. I just don’t care anymore.

I spot somebody in the group of people that I recognize.
My ex-boyfriend Lucas. I wondered how he knew those other guys. He wasn’t related to them, I knew that much. He was in on the celebration though. He was obviously drunk, talking loudly and gesturing wildly. I found that unusual because he never drank that much before when we were together. Then again, maybe he did, turns out I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. He was an asshole and I didn’t know till the end of our relationship. Love is blind and all that bullshit. I hate him. He wasn’t there for me when I didn’t have my family around. He promised he would be, it would be me and him against the world, but he left me.

My anger was rising and I needed to leave before I did anything stupid. The
group of people was breaking up and going off in their own directions, probably finding a cab, walking to their cars or maybe walking home if they lived close enough. I took one more swig of my drink, put my car in drive and pulled away. I needed to make a right turn on an upcoming street but by now everything was blurry or doubled. I was lucky there weren’t more cars out on the road. I started feeling dizzy and tired. I needed to get home fast. I made the turn and heard a terrible noise and felt my car jerk a little. “Shit!” I’m sure I just hit that fuckin’ car that was parked on the corner. I kept driving not the least bit concerned. My only thought was they shouldn’t have parked there. Yeah, it was a fucked up thought, but I was fucked up. I looked in my rearview to make sure nobody was outside and had seen me. That’s the last thing I needed, the cops coming to my house. Again.

I
squinted my eyes trying to see clearly. There was one streetlight back there shining a little light around the corner I had just turned. I thought I saw something in the road. I slowed down a little and turned my body to look out the back windshield. I couldn’t tell what it was. I reversed a little bit and looked at the road again.

“What is that?” I slurred to myself. I was really fucked up. I couldn’t see straight. I decided to get out and walk back there to make sure I hadn’t ran over somebody’s dog or something, or to make sure it wasn’t a piece of
my car that might have come off when I hit the other car. It looked like it was moving though, so maybe it was a dog. Damn it.

I stumbled my way down to the car which was just several feet away from my own. When I got there, I looked down and I had to focus my eyes to be sure I was looking at what I thought I was looking at. Again shock, staring, and then a scream.

That’s when I woke up.

I have to force myself out of bed. I need coffee and some Excedrin. I sit there and try to shake the nightmare from my mind. I don’t want to think about that night. I don’t want to remember. This is why I would drink before, so I would constantly be able to forget. Luckily I was able to get my drinking under control. I didn’t want to be an alcoholic, I was just grieving. I have to live with the memories now. Something I’d just have to deal with.

I slide out of bed and shuffle to the bathroom. After brushing my teeth and washing my face
, I head downstairs to make something to eat and start my coffee. While the coffee is brewing, I take out some eggs and break them in a pan to scramble, put some bacon in another pan and then take a tortilla out of the fridge to warm up. After they are all cooked, I wrap my eggs and bacon in the tortilla for a quick, homemade burrito. Yumm! I pull out some orange juice because I can’t eat and drink coffee at the same time. Call me a weirdo, but coffee is too hot to drink while eating. I want to be able to take big gulps of my drink without burning my tongue off.

I look at the clock and see that it’s ten o’clock. I still have a few hours to burn before I have to meet my clients. After eating, I clean up after myself and jump in the shower. I decide since I am going to be outside taking pictures to just pin my hair up in a bun and I throw on some comfortable
black leggings with a long gray off the shoulder shirt. I usually end up kneeling or lying on the ground at some point while taking photos, so I don’t put anything too nice on. Comfort is the way to go.

I text Jade to waste some time.

Me:
Hey you! What’s goin on? Whatcha up to?

Jade:
Oh not much, just you know… texting Jackson!!!!

I laugh out loud at her obvious excitement with all the exclamation points.

Me:
Oh yeah! How did that go? You did call him first right? What did you say? What did he say?

Jade:
Yes I called him! We talked for a little while and made plans to go have a late lunch today. But my mom kept calling me so I got off the phone with him and now we are just texting trying to figure out where we want to meet
.


Me:
Oooh, well you know I’m going to want details! So let’s plan on meeting up after you guys have lunch. I should be done with my shoot around three at the latest. I can come into the city for a little.

Jade:
That would be awesome! I’ll text you later.

Me:
Okie doke! Have fun!!

When
twelve thirty rolls around, I leave the house and walk towards my car. I’m walking along the pathway that runs from our front door to the driveway. It lines up right on the right side of the house, really close to Ms. Anderson’s yard. She’s standing outside again messing with her plants. Watching me. I don’t know why she always stares at me, she never has anything to say.

“Hello Ms. Anderson!” I yell. “How are you today? Enjoying this beautiful weather?” I ask with a smile. I’m sure it just irritates her that I’m so friendly with her. She never says much. I’m not sure I’ve heard her say more than a sentence and it wasn’t directed towards me.

She mumbles an, “mmhhmm” and puts her head back down and fiddles with the leaves of her plant. She’s strange.

I slide into my car and take off down the road. I’m meeting the Johnson’s at
Rosewood Park and Beach. It’s absolutely gorgeous out there. Rosewood Park consists of eleven acres that are divided into Upper and Lower Rosewood. Upper Rosewood is an oak savanna bluff with trails that lead down into a wooded ravine and to the shoreline. Lower Rosewood is a wooded ravine that leads to the Lake Michigan shoreline and has beach access. Absolutely stunning backdrop!

As I’m driving, a large SUV starts riding my ass.
Stupid bastard. I have serious road rage; I can’t stand for people to follow me so close. If he is in that much of a rush, he should just pass me; there are no cars on the other side of the road. It’s probably some old asshole. These old people around here don’t know how to drive. I speed up a bit to try to put some space between us but he keeps up with me.

“What the hell?” I say while gesturing with my hand, hoping he can see me. He needs to back the fuck off. I decided to slow way down, I’m talking like ten below the speed limit. Hopefully that will irritate him enough and he’ll just pass me. It doesn’t work. I’m trying to look into his car through the rearview but with the sun and his tinted windows
, I can’t see clearly. Looks like a guy for sure though, and I’m pretty sure he has a passenger. They are both wearing baseball caps. Maybe they’re some young punks, driving around pissing people off for fun. Oh well, I just try to ignore the vehicle and keep driving. As long as he doesn’t hit my car, I’m fine.

I make the turn to head towards Rosewood and the car behind me slows down like he’s going to turn as well, but ends up speeding off. Good.
Stupid, non-driving, asshole.

I meet up with my clients and we find some nice spots and I start shooting. They are a beautiful couple, mid-thirties, and love to joke around. They put me at ease because some clients are more conservative and don’t really want to talk to you about m
uch and don’t want to laugh or joke and I always feel uncomfortable around those types of people. I find it easier to be able to make people laugh; you get those nice candid shots that way.

Half way through our shoot as I’m looking through the viewfinder
, I think I see a couple people in the background. This bothers me for two reasons. One, I don’t want a dirty shot. I can’t have people standing around in the background of my photos. Clients don’t like that. Two, It’s two men and they are both wearing baseball caps. I instantly think of the large SUV that was tailing me. This does not sit well with me.

I finish the shoot and try to act as normal and not worried as possible in front of them.
I tell them I will be in touch soon and will get them their pictures as soon as I’m done editing them. We part ways and I walk towards my car. I’m looking around to see if I can spot either the two guys or the large SUV. I had seen them again a few times while I was finishing the shoot. They were just hanging around, not really doing too much.

As soon as I’m inside of
my car I lock the doors and start it. I remember to check my phone to see if Jade has texted me yet about where we’re going to meet up.

Jade:
Hey girl, wanna meet at The Coffee Studio?

Me:
Sounds good, it will take me about half an hour or so to get there though.

Jade:
That’s fine. I’ll busy myself with some window shopping or something.

I start my journey into the city hoping to not see the large SUV again. The traffic is a bit heavier as I enter Chicago but I don’t see the SUV anywhere. Maybe I am just
being paranoid.

I drive around looking for a place to park near the coffee shop so I won’t have to walk too far. I find something that’s about a block away. I shut my car off and throw my phone into my purse, as I have my hand on the door handle, ready to open it, my eye catches something across the street
, about half a block behind me. I see it in my side view mirror first, and then turn my head to look again. Sure enough, a large SUV is sitting there, the same color as the other one I had seen. Dark blue. I get out of the car and lock it, I walk towards the coffee shop and then I get an idea. I stop and pull out my iPhone, I click on the camera app and hit the button that reverses the camera so I’m looking at myself. What I’m really trying to look at is the SUV behind me. I snap a couple of pictures just in case, they may be blurry, but I don’t care. When I’m still looking at my phone, which to anyone else may look like I’m texting somebody or looking up directions or something, I notice one of them move their arms out of the window, something dark is in his hands, it’s a camera. A nice, large camera, similar to the one I use when I’m out on one of my shoots. I snap my head around to face them and he shifts and I can’t see him or the camera anymore. Interesting.