The Secrets of Boys (18 page)

Although it happened weeks ago, her attraction to Zach had only gotten stronger. All the guilt she had been feeling about Eric was nowhere to be found now, and any sadness she had been experiencing over Larissa seemed to be locked in suspended animation.

She and Zach were truly alone, and she couldn’t have been happier.

Or more ready.

Cassidy looked up at him and realized he’d been staring at her, his eyes brewing with intensity. Their lips met softly in the darkness, her heart tripping through her chest, her hands on his shoulders, touching him in ways she’d been dying to touch him ever since they’d met. She closed her eyes as he nibbled gently at her neck, kissing her earlobes. She heard herself moan quietly.

“We should stop,” Zach gasped. He pulled back a little bit but kept his hands around her waist.

“I don’t want to,” she said, drawing him in again. The stubble on his cheeks was like fine grains of sand under her lips. She grasped at him so that they both tumbled onto the ground, rolling around in the dewy grass.

“You’re beautiful, Cassidy. I want you so much,”

Zach breathed into her ear. The full length of his body was against her and then on top of her.

“Maybe we should go to your dorm?” she whispered, moving against him instinctively, too turned on to stop.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said firmly.

She had never been more sure of anything in her life.

* * *

Looking back, what Cassidy remembered most wasn’t the

big moment, but the details: how the bright light from the small desk lamp in Zach’s dorm room had startled them both so much he had to throw his T-shirt over it; the way she’d been surprised at first to see that his chest was as smooth and hairless as a young boy’s; the moment when he couldn’t untie the yellow scarf around her waist and his forehead started to wrinkle with frustration but when he met her eyes, they both dissolved in laughter.

What she remembered afterward was the way she buried her nose in his neck and let his smell surround them like a cloud, settling over her skin until it felt like it was her smell too. Even though she was sticky and sweaty when it was over, her first thought was that she never wanted to shower again—that if she had things her way, she would smell like Zach for the rest of her life.

And when they were done, she lay back on the pillow feeling almost numb with fatigue but at the same time more alive than she’d ever felt before. Zach propped his head on his hand, elbow on the bed next to her. With his other hand he traced delicate figures on her skin.

Dawn crept in through the window, turning the light in the room a cool, quiet gray. Neither of them spoke.

Cassidy had never felt so close to anyone. Zach’s eyes, usually so green they were nearly blinding, had mel-lowed to reflect the morning light. She had never seen him look so peaceful and content, Cassidy thought before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep with Zach’s body warm and solid beside her.

August 11

Dear Joe,

Congratulations! Now that Larissa and I aren’t
speaking, I think you’ve officially taken her place as
my best friend. Too bad you’re so far away—I wish I
had a best friend I could actually talk to.

Guess what? I’m not a virgin anymore, and it feels
so weird. The worst part is I think you may have been
right about rushing into things. After Zach and I first
kissed, I avoided him for a while and now the same
thing is happening, but worse. He’s been very aloof
toward me. All this week, he hasn’t stuck around to
talk to me after class like he usually does. I mean, I
guess he can’t let on that something’s up with us
because if anyone at Pepperdine found out, he’d be in
so much trouble. But still, I feel like I’ve been socked in
the gut. It gets worse. Eric was waiting for me in the
school parking lot this morning. And I didn’t even
have the nerve to break up with him right then—I said
we’d meet up tomorrow. I’m such a jackass! So now:
(a) I have to dump Eric tomorrow and I totally feel
like this awful person who cheated on her nice
boyfriend who was great to her for two years. It’s like
being some soap opera villain and I’m so not used to
feeling like the bad guy.

(b) I don’t know what’s going on with Zach.

(c) I’m not speaking to my best friend.

Argh! Sorry I’m such a mess. I wish I had something cute or funny to tell you, the way you always
have something cute or funny to tell me, even when it
seems like your life totally sucks. Maybe next time.

Unhappily yours,

Cassidy

The sun was just beginning to set over the Pacific as Cassidy pulled into the parking lot near Point Dume.

She sat in her car for a moment, thinking she could still turn back. She imagined driving away from the beach and Eric, away from Larissa and Malibu and the giant weird mess her life had become. She could drive down to Mexico, get a job picking guavas, and live in a hut on the beach, wear flowers in her hair, and never have to deal with breaking up with anyone ever again.

Yeah. Who was she kidding? She was sixteen, and her passport was locked away in a safe-deposit box in the vault of her parents’ bank—after all, her mother’s first self-help book was titled
Mind Over Money: Think
Your Way to a Nest Egg That Matters
. Besides, she
hated
guavas.

Cassidy stepped onto the beach, slipping off her shoes to let the cool sand ease between her toes. She thought as she stared out over the ocean that there was no way she could actually do this without throwing up, passing out, or possibly just dropping dead. Heading toward the water, she cupped her hand over her eyes to deflect the glare and gazed out to sea. There were three bodies still paddling their surfboards out toward the waves, but none of them was Eric.

Maybe I could just go and wade in a little bit before I have
to do this,
Cassidy thought. She realized she was procras-tinating and turned and headed toward the faded drift-wood shack where the employees of Carl’s Surf Shack kept their boards. The door was slightly ajar, and as she pushed it open, she had to wait a moment for her eyes to adjust to the dim light. Sunshine filtered through the cracks in the walls, making wavy patterns on the floor that made her feel like everything was underwater.

Boards and wetsuits hung from the pegs on the wall and the shack smelled of surf wax, rubber, and salt.

Eric’s board rested between two sawhorses and he was leaning over it, waxing the edges with a soft green chamois. He looked up when she came in and Cassidy had to suppress a gasp—he looked different than he had just a couple of short weeks ago on their anniversary.

His face seemed more drawn, his posture droopier. Still, his lips parted in a huge smile when he saw her, and a bit of the usual sparkle returned to his eyes. He was wearing board shorts and a Hawaiian shirt open to reveal his hard, gleaming chest. He had a better body than Zach, Cassidy realized. But that didn’t seem to matter in the least right now.

“Cassidy,” he said. “I was worried you weren’t going to come.”

“So was I,” she said. They both laughed nervously.

The air in the shack suddenly felt unbearably moist.

“Eric, I …” Cassidy began, but she couldn’t finish.

She’d practiced what she had to say over and over again in her head on the drive over, but suddenly her mind was a huge, fuzzy blank.

Eric came out from around the surfboard. “Cassidy, I’m so sorry about how things went on our anniversary.

I shouldn’t have left you all alone like that.”

The fuzz in her head thickened. Why was
Eric
apologizing?
She
was the one who had slept with someone else! For a minute, Cassidy thought how easy it would be to just accept his apology and pretend nothing had ever happened with Zach. She and Eric could stay together, finish up high school as the couple they’d been for the last two years. She could forget that Zach even existed. Everyone was allowed to slip up once, right? But that train of thought fizzled out as quickly as a Fourth of July sparkler.

Spit it out already!
she commanded herself sternly.

“Eric, we’ve had such great times together and you’ve been really good to me, but …”

“But what?” Eric’s eyes were watering at the corners.

The words came tumbling out of her mouth in a rush, not making sense. She felt like she was tripping over her own tongue.

“I think you’re a great person and you’re very kind and attractive and a good surfboarder and I probably don’t even deserve you and maybe we can still be friends, I mean I really hope we can because I think you’re so great and nice and everything and—”

“Cassidy,” Eric interrupted, struggling to keep his voice calm. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“Yes.” It was the most difficult syllable she’d ever uttered. She could barely choke out the rest. “I am.”

There. She’d said it. And it felt … a
wful
. Like running over your grandmother with a truck, then putting the truck in reverse and backing over her to make sure she was dead. Eric appeared so hurt and stunned that she wished she could suck the words back into her mouth like soda through a straw.

“Why?” Eric asked. His broad, strong shoulders were trembling.

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I mean, it’s really not you. Really. Not at all. I mean, I guess it’s me. I’ve changed a lot this summer, and sometimes I feel like I don’t even really know who I am anymore.”

“Is there someone else?”

“Yes,” Cassidy whispered. Silence came crashing down between them like the curtain at the end of a play’s second act. She could hear waves rolling in the distance and Eric’s ragged breathing.

“Who?” he finally asked.

“You don’t know him,” she said. At least she could be honest about that. Not that it made her feel any better.

“I can’t believe this,” he murmured.

“I can’t either.” Cassidy struggled to hold back tears.

“I never, ever wanted to hurt you this much. I feel so terrible.” Her voice broke and she let it, let Eric see the tears leak out down her cheeks and her chest shiver.

“This just wasn’t supposed to happen,” Eric said quietly.

Cassidy crossed her arms in front of her chest to keep her heart from jolting out. At the end of the school year, she’d thought she was in love with Eric and was con-vinced they were happy. Now she didn’t even know what she wanted—and she’d hurt someone she cared about in the process. “Listen, you don’t have to forgive me right away,” she said through her tears. “You don’t have to forgive me ever. I don’t blame you if you hate me for the rest of your life because I’ll totally deserve it.

But I do want you to know that I care about you, and I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’ll always think of you as a wonderful person and a great friend.”

Her eyes were so blurry with tears she could barely make her way out the door of the shack. As soon as she was outside, she collapsed on the sand, curling into a ball and sobbing with her fist stuck in her mouth to prevent her wails from traveling to the few twilight surfers still straggling up the beach. Sand crept into her nostrils and embedded itself in her hair, but she didn’t care. All she could think of was what an awful thing she had done.

She felt a large, warm hand on her shoulder and looked through the veil of hair that had fallen over her face to see Eric crouching over her. His chin was trembling.

“Cassidy, listen,” he said.

She sat up and brushed a layer of hair and tears out of her eyes. Eric sat down next to her on the sand and took a deep breath.

“I am really, really mad at you,” he began.

“You should be,” she interrupted. “I’m mad at me too.”

“But I can tell you feel bad,” Eric continued. “I think maybe I kind of knew something was going on. I mean, you’ve never been very good at hiding things.” He took a deep, shaky breath. “So I can’t say that I’ll forgive you right away. That’s going to take a long time. But … well, maybe I’ll be able to someday. And I guess that’s going to have to do for now.”

“Thanks.” Cassidy sniffled. “That’s more than I expected. I really appreciate it.”

Some seagulls swooped onto an abandoned sand-wich several feet away, cackling gleefully as their long shadows stretched across the sand.

“You know,” Eric said after a while, “I want you to be happy.”

Cassidy looked over at him, surprised. His shoulders were squared against the setting sun and he had almost managed to twist his mouth into a smile.

“I want that for you too,” she replied.

They sat in silence together until the beach was dark and the hairs on their arms stood up in the cool breeze.

Then he walked her to the Volvo, they hugged briefly, and drove off in separate directions into the night.

August 18

Dear Cassidy,

I’m really sorry to hear about Eric. Breaking up
sucks—not that I’ve had much experience with it.

But you can take comfort in the fact that I watched
The OC once, so I know it’s really tough. I think you
did the right thing, though, as hard as it was. You
shouldn’t pursue something your heart isn’t in, and
I guess your heart wasn’t really in it with Eric anymore.

I hate to say I told you so about Zach because obviously you’re really hurt. If it’s any consolation to you,
I’m almost never right about anything, and if I were
there, I’d definitely beat him up now that I’m all strong
from lugging a sixty-pound backpack through the
wilderness and doing eighty billion hours of KP. I’d
protect your honor, throw down the gauntlet, ALL

that. But I can’t, so all I can do is tell you I hope things
get better soon.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your letter sooner,
but we had to do these solo wilderness trips to