The Scent (The Bryn and Sinjin Series Book 2) (19 page)

I felt my stomach sour as a sense of general discomfort overcame me. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Sinjin,” I replied, feeling my entire body caving in on itself.

“I have no interest in those particulars,” he assured me. “You have already answered everything I asked, and I promise to honor your wish never to discuss those events again,” he replied solemnly. “What I want … No, what I
need
to tell you now is something quite different.”

“Okay.”

He cleared his throat, but further delayed for a few seconds, which struck me as odd. Actually, his whole approach seemed strange because he was so uncomfortable. I wasn’t used to witnessing Sinjin acting in such a way. Usually, he was confident, jocular, outgoing and boastful. Now his thoughts seemed to consume him, and his pensive countenance was impossible to read.

“What happened to you was a travesty,” he started as his eyes raked over my face, “and I cannot begin to understand the depths of your pain and the images etched forever in your mind.”

“We don’t have to do this,” I said softly, trying to derail the train to where this discussion was headed. “I’m going to be okay, Sinjin,” I continued, although I doubted my own words. But that didn’t make me any more excited about continuing this conversation. “You know I’m not good with this stuff anyway.”

“I know,” he agreed, “All the more reason for me to say what needs to be said.”

I frowned, but knew by his expression that he wouldn’t back down. Of course not; he was Sinjin Sinclair. “You’re a pain in my ass, you know that?”

He grinned and looked painfully beautiful in the daylight. I couldn’t imagine how any man, or someone who once was a man, could be so irresistibly handsome.

“My apologies,” he said as the smile vanished. “But returning to the topic,” he continued, and then just gazed at me for a few seconds. “I feel it is my duty, no, my responsibility, as a man, to inform you that what you had to endure was not … that is to say, what happened to you was something that is never supposed to happen between a man and a woman.”

Even though this conversation wasn’t pleasurable in the least and I wanted to avoid it at all costs, I couldn’t help but find some amusement when it seemed Sinjin was at a loss for words, or at least, the right words. “Go on,” I said.

“Having never had the pleasure of experiencing the expression of physical love with a man, I am … concerned that your ordeal, er rather, ordeals with the men of the tribe may have ruined what you would have otherwise received great enjoyment from,” he continued before correcting himself. “Well, that is, if you managed to be fortunate enough to find an expert lover who knew your body intimately.”

Heat burned all over my face and I knew I was bright red with embarrassment, something made even more obvious in the unforgiving sun. “Okay, is that it?” I asked, pulling my hand free from his before I attempted to walk away.

“No, that is not it!” Sinjin replied, sounding put out as he gripped my arm and pulled me back toward him.

“There’s more?” I asked, shaking my head. The last thing I wanted to hear was more.

“For the remainder of this conversation, I forbid you to interject any further comments,” Sinjin announced coolly. “Your awkward clumsiness with this subject appears contagious. It is the sole reason I am bumbling through my words like a fool.”

“Sorry,” I grumbled.

“Shh,” he said, bringing his finger to my mouth. “Not another word or a sound from you!” Then he was quiet for a few seconds as his eyes burned into mine until I half wished the sun
would
turn him into a pile of ash, if only so I could escape the embarrassment and discomfort this whole exchange was causing me.

“You must realize the actions those men took were not right?” he asked. I didn’t answer for fear of being reprimanded again. “You may answer my question,” he muttered.

“Yes, of course I know that!” I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest to show him I wasn’t at all pleased with any of this.

“Then you are well aware that physical love, and sex, were not at all what you experienced?”

I was quiet while considering his question because I wasn’t sure I fully agreed with him. “Well, if it wasn’t sex, then what should I call it?”

“That was not any version of physical love. Sex, perhaps, in its basest form, but not the sex I am accustomed to,” he explained. “Those bastards forced themselves on you,” he continued. “They took something from you that was never theirs to take. I daresay not one of them gave any thought to your pleasure—and whether or not you enjoyed yourself?”

“No, they didn’t,” I responded tersely. “And I didn’t enjoy one second of it either!” I frowned and faced forward for a few seconds as I tried to calm down. But this conversation definitely wasn’t helping me achieve my goal. “I thought you said we weren’t going to discuss the particulars again.”

“We are not,” he replied. “My point is, that from a physical standpoint, your body was not prepared for their entry. You were abused and taken advantage of. That is not making love. That was nothing more than a savage crime, the commandeering of your body as an outlet for their own selfish urges,” he raged, his tone growing angrier by the second.

“I agree with you,” I said. “You’re just preaching to the choir.”

“Very good,” Sinjin said as he exhaled dramatically. Since vampires didn’t breathe, the purpose of it was probably to relay his frustration with the topic, or maybe with me. “Your body should always be revered,” he said in a softer tone. “It should be played the way a true master musician plays his instrument. It should be tenderly caressed and embraced. Someone needs to teach you what it means to be a woman, how your body is designed for a man and how only a man can bring you erotic passion.”

“Okay,” I started, now completely mortified. “If you’re trying to completely horrify me, you’ve achieved it and then some.”

“Not another peep!” Sinjin roared before studying me for a few seconds longer. Pretty soon, the irritation in his gaze dissolved. “You are far too beautiful to ignore that side of you.”

“What side of me?”

“The side of you that I have witnessed multiple times,” he said with no trace of apology as my heart began to race again. “I have watched you since we were reunited. I must admit that I fear your passion has faded into oblivion,” he continued, cocking his head to the side as he apparently thought about the topic. “Of course, I understand why it has, if, in fact, that is the case.”

“Are you asking me whether or not I still have sexual desires?” I demanded, wanting to cut to the chase. This conversation was becoming unbearable, and all I wanted to do was get back on the road. “Because, if you are, I don’t really have an answer for you,” I replied. “I don’t know how I feel about any of this.”

“Have you forsaken all members of my sex?” Sinjin suddenly asked, his eyes narrowing on mine.

I swallowed hard as I thought about his question. Remembering every instance when I promised myself to never allow another man to touch me, my plan was to isolate myself with Betta. My sole thought was to keep any and every one away so we could maintain our safety. And, yet, I would have been lying if I said that Sinjin didn’t kindle feelings of sexual desire in me, or make my blood pump faster while butterflies fluttered in my stomach. It would be a lie to say that I didn’t feel a certain tightness between my legs when Sinjin kissed me. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

“I want to help you, Bryn,” he said, his expression and tone completely serious. “I want to help you in any way I can. I want you to find your way back to the woman you once were, my overconfident nemesis who, try as I might, could never be eradicated from my thoughts.”

“I don’t know if I will ever be the person I once was,” I decided coldly. I deliberately ignored that last bit about being in his thoughts. I didn’t want to think about being in Sinjin’s head because those thoughts invited others that I had no business thinking.

Sinjin shook his head. “Perhaps my words were the wrong ones.” He studied me for a few seconds as he apparently searched for the right ones. “True. You will never be the same person you once were, but you
can
come back from this,” he insisted as he reached for my hands. Gripping them both in his, and squeezing them tightly, he added, “I will see to it that you
do
come back from this.”

“And how do you propose to do that?” I asked, sounding facetious because I couldn’t imagine any way back from everything I’d gone through. I had no idea if it were even possible to be that girl again, to live on without thinking about all the pain and the anger that had become my constant companions.

“If you consent, I will show you how it should be between a man and a woman,” he said, his eyes boring into mine.

“I don’t even know what that means.”

But Sinjin didn’t lose his cool. He just stared at me while he held my hands. A second or so later, he took the two steps that separated us until he was so close to me, I couldn’t smell anything except his clean aftershave.

“If you consent, I will do everything in my power to erase the ugliness of what was done to you,” he said, his tone suddenly softer. “Where you once felt hurt, I will touch, kiss and caress you. Where you once were forced to submit to their cruelty, I will honor your wishes and never ask you to go further than you are willing to go. I will banish every painful touch, every rude remark, and everything that caused you pain, if you only allow me.”

My heartbeat continued to race until I felt dizzy. I was more than sure that Sinjin knew how nervous I was based on my frantic pulse, but I didn’t even care. All I could do was contemplate his words. But I wasn’t even certain I was doing a good job of that.

“You are the most enticing woman I have ever beheld,” Sinjin whispered as he pushed my hair away from my face and drew a line down the side of my cheek. “The twinkle in your eyes, the fullness of your lips, the richness of your hair,” he said as his eyes trailed down my face. “And your figure,” he started as a devilish grin spread over his face. “I have tried to shelve the memories of the curve of your magnificent breasts in my hands, and the flatness of your belly, and the slick feel of your wetness when I touched you.”

The burning inside my core amplified tenfold and I wanted nothing more than to feel his fingers inside me again. “Why did you stop?” I asked as I suddenly remembered a time when he and I had come very close to a sexual encounter. “When you found out I was a virgin, why did that stop you?”

He brought his roaming eyes back up to mine and studied me for a few seconds before he answered. “I did not want to be your first,” he replied. “I feared you would form a permanent attachment to me, and as you know, I am not a man who can love.”

I wasn’t entirely sure I believed him because a part of me thought he was or had been in love with my sister. But, either way, my entire body deflated at his words. And I wasn’t sure why. I certainly didn’t want to fall in love with anyone, let alone Sinjin. So why did his admission have such a reaction in me?

“I regret that decision now.” He didn’t say anything more so I had to wonder if he regretted his decision because my first experience turned out to be such a horrific one, or did he mean that maybe he was a man who did love?

“I’m not really sure what you’re saying to me, Sinjin,” I said, feeling so uncomfortable that I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

Sinjin’s eyes never strayed from mine and the rawness I saw in them nearly suffocated me. The meager two inches of air that separated us weren’t enough to help me catch my breath.

When he spoke again, his voice was even more determined. “I want you to become my lover.”

H. P. Mallory
lives in Southern California with her son and her enormous dog, where she is at work on her next book.

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