The Saddest Song (19 page)

When we joined everyone downstairs I noticed Sophie grinning at Rylee. The girls obviously thought we would now be a couple. I wished they were right. I watched as Rainey helped the girls make Belgium Waffles and warm up the Kringles my mom had sent. I kept trying to gauge her emotions while making conversation with Colin and Ethan. She seemed fine, but I felt her avoiding my eyes.

When it came time to head home I dreaded the conversation we needed to have. We couldn’t leave things like this. Rainey’s idea of pretending it hadn’t happened wasn’t possible. We could work this out, I was sure of it. Her guilt was understandable, but she couldn’t think she was cheating on someone when they were no longer alive. We had done nothing wrong.

Chapter 26

Rainey

All during our drive down from the mountains Max tried to make light conversation. I wasn’t very cooperative and after an hour of my one word answers he finally gave up. He handed me his iPod and told me to listen to whatever I wanted. I hadn’t even noticed the music that had been playing so far. I crossed my arms and pouted, telling him I didn’t care what we listened to. He reached out and turned off the music.

“Okay Rainey, I get that your angry. We need to talk about it.”

“No.”

“So, you would rather pout? Are you trying to punish me? You begged me to pretend that it never happened. I’m trying to do that but you are a glaring reminder that it did.”

“I’m not mad at you.”

“You’re not.”

“No.”

“Really?”

“I’m just tired.”

“Okay, so we’re okay? You don’t feel I took advantage of you?”

“No Max. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fine.” He stopped talking but I felt him look over at me several times while I stared straight ahead. We drove in silence the rest of the way home. It didn’t make me feel any better. I was punishing both of us. Somehow I guess that I felt we both deserved it.

When we pulled into my driveway I told him not to get out, I could get my own bags. I slammed the truck door and he rolled the window down and shouted, “Text me later!”

“Okay,” I said. I didn’t look back as I hurried inside.

Max

I didn’t wait for Rainey’s text. I knew it wasn’t coming. I decided to let her stew and wait until the next day to try and talk to her. I thought she might chill out by then. I mean, it happened, we had to live with it. Really, if anyone, I was the one who should be the most upset. I loved her and she thought of me as a friend. There wasn’t much I could do with that.

I woke up early and checked my phone. Nothing. I decided to do as she had requested and act like nothing happened, so I did what I did every morning. I sent her a text.

“Hey. What do you want to do today?”

I waited. An hour passed, nothing. Two more, still nothing. I knew she was up by lunchtime so I called and got her voice mail. I hung up without leaving a message and went to work on a song. It was weird not having her around. Knowing why was even weirder. I would almost take that whole night back if I could. Almost.

By that afternoon I had decided that the whole silent treatment had gone on long enough. I drove over to her house and rang the bell repeatedly until she opened the door. She didn’t speak, and I could tell she had been crying.

“Can I come in?”

“Not right now.”

“Rainey, come on, how long are you going to be upset?” I reached out for her and she pulled away as if my touch repulsed her.

“I’m fine, Max.” She crossed her arms tightly.

“Why aren’t you answering my texts?”

“I just need some space.”

“Space? Are you breaking up with me?” I asked, shocked.

“We aren’t a couple, Max.”

“You know what I mean. Do you not want to be
friends
anymore?” She winced at the sarcastic way I said the word friends. I felt desperate, like the world was caving in on me. I couldn’t believe this was happening to us.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want,” she replied, looking anywhere but in my eyes.

“We go back to school in less than a week. Will we be back to normal by then?”

“I’m sorry Max. I don’t know.”

I stood there waiting for her to look at me. I could have waited all day, but it was obvious nothing was going to change. “I’m sorry too, Rainey,” I said, and walked away.

Chapter 27

Rainey

I felt lost. I felt sad. I felt like I was making the biggest mistake of my life by shutting

Max out. I wanted to find a way to go back to the way we were, but how? Everything was different now. I knew Max loved me. I couldn’t deal with the hurt I saw in his eyes, or heard in his voice. But I couldn’t love him in that way. It was wrong, and yet I was afraid a part of me already did. I couldn’t let that part win.

I wasn’t trying to punish him. I wasn’t mad at him. I was mad at myself. I missed him, but I didn’t deserve him anymore. I let the charge die on my phone. I put it in a drawer so that I wouldn’t know when he texted me. The days passed, slow and miserable and I stopped myself a million times from going to see him.

My mom and dad were horrified that Max and I weren’t speaking. I knew mom had tried to find out from Max’s mom what had happened, but I knew he would never share it with anyone. Our secret was safe at least. That was something.

After five days without Max, I dreamed of Garrett. When I awoke I had no doubt that I had actually been with him. In the dream I was in my room sleeping when he sat down on my bed and gently woke me up by saying my name.

“Rainey, Raineybear, wake up. I need to talk to you.”

I opened my eyes and he was sitting there looking just as he had when he was last here.

“Hi Garrett, I said. “Am I dreaming?”

“Yep.” He smiled.

“Are you angry?”

His face looked perplexed, and then he shook his head no.

“You know what happened, don’t you?”

He nodded, and I cringed, hoping he hadn’t seen us.

He laughed, and I gasped with horror.

“No Rainey, I didn’t see anything. I laughed because you seem to think I’m like Casper the ghost floating around and watching your every move. I’m not. I’ve got my afterlife to deal with, believe me it keeps me busy.” He put his palm against my cheek and smiled.

“I’m so sorry, Garrett. I drank too much, and Max did too…”

“Rainey, it’s okay. Max loves you. You love each other. It’s fine with me.”

“No! Garrett, I love him as a best friend. It never was supposed to happen,”

“Oh Rainey,” he said, with the sweetest smile, “are you sure?”

As soon as the words left his lips, my eyes opened.

Max

I knew after a week of estrangement from Rainey that I could not bear to be at school every day and see her cringe uncomfortably whenever she saw me. I couldn’t do it. I needed to put space between us so that our paths wouldn’t cross anymore. There was only one way to do that, so I did it.

I had to hand it to my parents, they came through for me. When I explained that because of Rainey and my falling out I felt it would be better for us both if I did a home study program for the second semester they didn’t argue. Instead, my mom said she would work on it immediately.

“Son, what happens if you and Rainey work things out?” My dad questioned.

“Well, I assume I could return to school if I want to. But I don’t expect that to happen.”

“You’re sure, Max? I can’t believe anything could be bad enough to keep you two apart.” Mom looked sad and worried but it couldn’t be helped.

“Mom, this is what I need right now.”

Once that was settled, I called to let Rainey know she would need to get a new ride to school but she didn’t answer my call. I asked my mom to call Mrs. Martin and explain. An hour later, mom shouted that Rainey was at the door. When she didn’t come upstairs, I went out to the porch to talk to her. She looked miserable, and I assumed I did too.

“Max, you can’t leave school because of me.”

“It’s for the best. This way you won’t have to be reminded of what happened every time you see me.”

“Max! Stop it. This is crazy. Please don’t leave school.”

“Can you look me in the eye and tell me that we are okay?”

She squirmed a little then said, “Not completely. I’m trying though.”

“That’s just it, Rainey. You shouldn’t have to try. I’m going to say this once and then I promise you that you won’t have to deal with it again. I have learned a lot about myself and about you in the past few months. I can tell you without the help of our psychic friend that I know you and I are not a mistake. What has grown between us is right and I will not feel guilty for falling in love with you. Call it a cruel twist of fate, but I believe you were never meant to be with Garrett. We are as perfect for one another as two people have ever been. But you can’t accept that. You won’t. Fine. I can’t change your mind. But I can’t be around you and see your eyes look at me with regret for what happened between us, because what happened was as natural and meant to be as anything that has ever happened to either of us. I won’t let you make me feel bad about it. We didn’t kill my brother. We didn’t plan to fall in love. Life happens and fate steps in and makes things messy, but that’s called Living Rainey.

“Max, I don’t blame you. I swear I don’t. I just want to be the way we were before.”

“Going back to just a friendship would mean we are both in denial and ashamed of loving each other. I’m not.”

“But, Max..”

“Rainey, it’s okay. It’s how you feel. I love you but I need to be honest with myself. We will both survive. We’ve proven that we’re survivors.”

She looked so distressed, I reached out and hugged her, half expecting her to push me away. She surprised me by clinging to me and starting to cry. I kissed the top of her head and pulled away. I took a step back towards the door and she said, “Max, Wait! Please. I don’t want you to go.”

“Do you think I want to? I have to Rainey.” It took everything I had to step inside and close the door.

Chapter 28

Rainey

It didn’t take many more days to realize what a huge mistake I had made. Once the shock of having slept with him wore off, I had to deal with his absence. He was gone completely from wherever I was. Going back to school without him was the worst part. Caitlynn and Hudson made a great effort to keep me company at lunchtime but it wasn’t the same. I tried to shut him out of my mind, think of anything but him. He stayed stubbornly locked into my consciousness. Everything made me think of him. At first when I couldn’t stand it anymore I texted him and asked to see him. He said no. I asked again and he didn’t answer. How could I blame him? He had said he loved me and I had rejected him. I treated him like he had done something wrong, instead of being honest about my own feelings.

My eighteenth birthday was January 27
^th
and I had a crazy hope that I would hear from him. I checked my phone every five minutes hoping for a message from him. When Sophie called to wish me a happy birthday I practically begged her for news of him. We had been apart for nearly a month. Did he mention me? Never, she said. Was he happy? No, not at all. I felt a slight thrill of happiness that he might be as miserable as I was.

When we got home from my birthday dinner, my dad pressed the garage door opener and sitting in the garage wrapped in a big red bow was a shiny black Volkswagen Jetta. They yelled, “Surprise!” Mom handed me the keys and urged me to sit in it. I cried as I sat there holding the wheel. “Tears of Happiness,” my dad whispered to my mom. She elbowed him, looking sad.

My alarm clock flashed as I entered my bedroom, a shout out from Garrett. It didn’t cheer me up. It made me sadder. I had made my peace with Garrett. It was his brother I missed now.

Max

Ignoring Rainey’s birthday was one of the hardest things I had ever done. My mom told me her parents were buying her a car and I hoped it would be a Jetta. Rainey had always wanted one. I knew how happy she would be. I wished I could be there to see her face light up in surprise. My fingers ached to at least text her a birthday message, but I knew that would be selfish.

The days without Rainey were duller, as if somehow all the color and warmth had been sucked out. Routine was a comfort though and I had a very set schedule. I did my school work on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. I volunteered at the shelter on Tuesday and Thursdays until school was out. I knew from Kara that Rainey came in after school a couple of days a week. Unlike me, she didn’t have a set schedule and I made sure I was long gone before she might show up.

Saturdays were still devoted to music. The girls still hung out with Rainey on those days, she just no longer came to the house. I never asked them about her, and they never brought her up. The last two Saturdays Colin’s neighbor, Lalie would come by when the girls returned and hang out with us. I had met her briefly at their Halloween party and she was a cool girl, cute and funny. By the way she acted around me I knew she would say yes if I asked her out. I was tempted just to force myself to go on with my life, but my heart just wasn’t in it.