The Redemption (38 page)

“Because I heard you say it and I’ve seen it in your eyes, but I never allowed myself to feel it until now.”

With my ear pressed to his chest, I hear his breathing and heart beating just as he whispers, “I love you, Rochelle.”

“I love you too.”

We get back to LA just after the kids arrive home from school. When we walk in, my boys run to me. It was only one night away, but I missed them just as much. In a three person hug huddle, I rest on my knees so I can fully embrace my sweet boys. But then I feel a nudging. Out of the corner of my eye, I spy CJ’s arm around Dex’s leg, including him in our group hug. I wrap my arm around his leg too until my hand holds my youngest as well. Dex takes all of us in when he spans his arms around our small family. And there we stay for a minute or two.

When we stand up, I give my boys more kisses, then meet Beth’s eyes. She has a wide grin on her face and I realize she’s a witness to the start of something new, the start of something that feels like it could become a constant, something permanent. “Welcome home,” she says. “Did you have a nice time?”

“I did. Thank you for coming on such short notice.”

Her eyes glance to Dex before coming back to me. “No problem. I love spending extra time with the boys. They were great. Right, guys?”

Neil laughs, obviously not telling the whole truth. “Yep, we were super good for Beth.”

CJ’s face is serious when he says, “I only got sent to time-out two times, Mama. Only two.”

Trying to stifle my own laugh, I say, “Well done, buddy. Maybe next time, you won’t go at all.”

“I try harder.”

“That’s my boy.”

Neil asks Dex, “I’ve been working on some new beats. Can I show you?”

Dex seems surprised. “Yeah, absolutely.”

Neil takes his hand and drags him through the living room and down the hall to his room. CJ announces that he’s hungry and disappears into the kitchen looking for a snack. Beth remains, smiling at me. That smile that says she knows that I not only had sex but that I’m obviously head over heels for Dex. I don’t even have a chance to say anything before she says, “Wow, that must have been some night.”

Sitting down on the couch, I play dumb. “What?” I shrug. “He needed a friend to talk to. I’m glad I could be there for him.”

“You mean in the friends with benefit kind of way?”

“Not everything has to end in sex, you know.”

She crosses her arms and looks at me incredulously. “Really? You’re gonna pretend like nothing happened between you two?”

“Who says I’m pretending anything?”

Pointing at me, her finger swirls in the air. “Then explain that hickey that’s forming on the right side of your neck?”

“Uh!” I gasp, jumping up to see in the mirror.

“You totally just gave yourself away. There’s no hickey.”

“You play dirty, Beth.”

“Eh, it’s a gift really.” She walks to the kitchen door and says, “But I want you to stop trying to hide the obvious and accept whatever you’ve got going on with Dex. It’s making you all sunshiny and shit and you look good happy.”

I roll my eyes, but smile after. “Sunshiny and shit? Nice.”

“I’m just telling you the truth.”

“I’m really liking all the truths I’ve been getting lately.”

With a loud laugh, she goes into the kitchen leaving me there with my own thoughts on the matter. A hand touches my shoulder making me jump a few moments later. Beth says, “I’m gonna go.” She takes her purse and backpack from the floor near my feet and adds, “Call me if you need me.”

“Thank you for being here. I know the boys love spending time with you.” I stand and walk her to the door. “So tomorrow after school?”

“I’ll be here,” she replies walking down the steps and to the gate.

I close the door and lean my back on it, wondering how long Dex and I can really hide our relationship from the outside world when apparently everything about me is oozing it. But just thinking about the word ‘oozing’ makes the smile disappear and makes me want to take a shower.

CJ walks out with a PB & J and we join Neil and Dex in his room. Sitting on the floor, CJ makes himself at home on my lap and I wrap my arms around him, holding him close. Neil and Dex have an interesting dynamic. There’s a mutual respect for each other that is heard through the way they talk to each other and their patience. Maybe I’m witnessing the beginning of a friendship, the start of a bond that can last. I hope so.

Dex shows Neil one more beat that he’s been working on then says, “I’ll send you a demo of it. I want you to practice it until you’ve nailed it. Then you’re gonna play it for me on my drums. Okay?”

Neil excitedly agrees.

CJ gets up when he’s done eating and says, “I want to learn too.”

Dex, who’s on his knees bends down until he’s eye-level with him and smiles. “You still have the sticks I gave you?”

“Yep.”

“Then how about I get you a drum pad too? Would you like that, CJ?”

CJ turns to me and says, “I gonna be like Dex and Neil, Mama.”

I nod, but in that moment, the walls waver around me. Using the wall to help steady myself, I feel my way up and hurry out. I tug the back door open abruptly and run outside. My lungs feel lighter the second I inhale the fresh air. Closing my eyes, I raise my chin to the sky and breathe slowly.

“I know how hard it is to ask for help,” Dex says, his voice quieter than normal, controlled. Turning to look over my shoulder, I see him standing in the doorway. He continues, “I think you need to talk to someone, Rochelle. Someone who can help with these attacks.”

“I just wanted fresh air. That’s all.” I shrug, but I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

“You’re in denial.”

Turning my whole body around now, I feel my defenses growing. “About what?” I ask, crossing my arms.

“That back there with your sons, with Cory’s sons.” He steps closer and his voice gets even quieter. I assume so the boys don’t hear. “I’m not gonna replace him.”

“They want to be drummers.”

“They aren’t him.”

I raise my voice though I don’t mean to yell. “They’d be playing guitar if he was here.”

Despite my emotions, his voice is soothing. “They still can because you’re here to teach them.”

A lump forms in my throat making it hard to swallow.

I’m face to face with him now, his hands holding my arms gently as they slide down until my hands are taken by his. He says, “Every time I see the excitement for music in Neil’s eyes, I see Cory again. When I look at CJ’s face, I see Cory. And they both have this kindness about them that they get from you. You both made them who they are, shaped them in features and personality. I won’t let them forget who their father was, but if I can help them, I want to, if you’ll let me.”

Looking down between us, I sniffle. When I look into his caring eyes, I say, “You’re a good man, Dex Caggiano. Not many men would want to take on two crazy kids and their even crazier mom.”

“You’re not crazy, Rochelle, but I do think you’ve never allowed yourself to grieve the way you should. Let your friends and family be here for
you
now.”

I hug him and when his arms wrap around me, I close my eyes and take in his scent. Just like always with him, I feel my body calming.

“Hello.” We move apart quickly when we hear Janice.

Pushing the hair out of my face, I say, “Hi, how are you?” I’m too rushed, feeling guilty. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Hi Dex,” she says, her smile not quite tight, but not welcoming either. She holds out a casserole dish. “I brought homemade spinach lasagna. I made an extra for you and the boys.”

Walking over, I take it from her. “Thank you. We’ll have this tonight.”

She follows me into the kitchen and says, “I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything.”

I see Dex over her shoulder. “Um, it’s fine. Are you staying to eat with us?”

“No, just stopping by. Where are Neil and CJ?”

“In Neil’s room practicing a beat Dex just showed him.”

She comes to me and says, “Are you alright? You look a little pale.”

“I’m dating Dex.”
Oops
. There goes our secret.

She looks stunned by my confessional outburst and like a faucet, I can’t seem to stop the words from coming. “I don’t care if you think it’s a bad idea or you think he’s bad for me and the boys. He’s not. He’s a good man and despite all that he’s gone through, even though a lot of it he caused, he’s in a good place and he loves us. He loves me, Janice. And you know what? I love him. I may have to hide this from the public, the paparazzi, and the band for a while, but I’m willing to do that. For him, I’m willing to keep this private until everyone else can learn to deal with it. But here, in my house, I will not. If you plan to be around us you will have to accept my relationship with him.”

I peek over at Dex. His smile is not cocky or showy, but shows how proud he is of me. I step around her and go to him, hugging him tight.

When I look back at Janice, she doesn’t seem upset or even disappointed. A small smile graces her features and with a slight nod, she says, “Okay.”

“Just like that?”

“No. I’ve given it tremendous thought over the last few months. I’ve also Googled Dex a few times.” There’s a sparkle in her eyes when she looks up at him. “Seems maybe he has changed and considering the scum that’s out there, I’m going to trust my gut and say okay.”

As he rubs my back, Dex speaks before I do. “Thank you, Janice. I appreciate that.”

“Just don’t go breaking my trust or Rochelle’s heart. I can be a bitch when I need to be.”

“Janice,” I say on the verge of a gasp. “You never swear.”

“Well, I’m loosening up in my old age.”

“You’re not that old,” I add.

“Well, it’s time I lived a little.”

I go to hug her and I can feel the sincerity of her words in her arms. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Nothing would make me happier than seeing you and the boys living a happy life.”

“Thank you.”

She turns and says to Dex, “Take care of my family and yourself.” Walking past him she stops. “I’m gonna go kiss my grandkids. Dex, you might like the lasagna. You should stay. I’ll see myself out.”

He sits down at the table and replies, “I think I will stay if it’s alright with you, Rochelle.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

We decided our relationship was best kept a secret—our secret for now, an intimacy that bonded us even more. Our bubble felt protected from outside opinions and judgment. But maybe it was the darkness that allowed us to believe in the illusion. The reality is, we knew we couldn’t hide for long, but neither of us wanted to talk about it either.

So we continued over the course of a month, sneaking around in dives to grab a late night drink or sticking to the security of each other’s house.

“How’s your mother doing?” I ask, lying in bed with him. Glancing at the clock it’s 5:30 in the morning.

When he turns to me, his brow is furrowed. “Really? We’re talking about my mother right now? What happened to lying here recovering after sex?”

“Recovering? Do you really want to recover from sex with me?”