The Power of the Herd (44 page)

The problem is that most people don't understand what a boundary is — let alone how to set one effectively. To make matters worse, highly dominant leaders appear to use anger as a management tool (Andrew Jackson and Steve Jobs come to mind), intimidating others into submission, undermining teamwork and creative thought in the process. In this case, however, it's most often frustration intensifying into rage that creates these adult temper tantrums. (A person trying to influence others' behavior is not setting boundaries; he's being assertive. Frustration in leaders most often arises when employees or colleagues don't respond to initial efforts to motivate them, change their behavior, or keep them on task.)

Workplace rageaholics lack boundary-setting, assertiveness, motivation, and problem-solving skills. The same can be said, oddly enough, of the even larger number of people who “retire in place.” Well-meaning employees who lack boundary and assertiveness skills, or feel disempowered by volatile bosses and coworkers, will choose boredom and apathy as nonviolent coping strategies for their own unresolved anger and frustration. But these meeker personality types also undermine teamwork and innovation over time, using sarcasm and cynicism to release the pressure. In keeping their own steadily intensifying feelings under wraps, these people are also likely to blow up when the pressure
rises too high, though usually at an innocent bystander, creating a phenomenon I call “deflected rage.”

Most people refer to this unexpected loss of control as the straw that broke the camel's back. While many instances are inspired by work-related challenges, most people have enough self-control to wait until they get home to explode, essentially making a loved one pay for their inability to set boundaries and motivate others at the office. Here's a classic example: John's boss, Brenda, is making unreasonable demands on his time because of a coworker's negligence, asking him to handle tasks that aren't a part of his job. This coworker, Ginny, always makes excuses for ignoring crucial aspects of her job that she finds tedious. Even Brenda can't seem to motivate the errant team member, finding it easier to call on John to pick up the slack, using his desire for a promotion as leverage. John feels increasing anger at having his workload unjustifiably increased and his personal life reduced. He's also frustrated because of the entire team's inability to motivate Ginny and hold her accountable.

After weeks working overtime on a never-ending stream of projects and feeling both anger and frustration rise, John sits down to yet another late dinner with his family — after missing his son's soccer game once again. Then it happens: the nine-year-old spills a glass of milk, and something just snaps. Suddenly John is screaming at the devastated child, who already felt neglected by his father's seeming lack of interest.

This loss of control, of course, fuels the entire family's belief that “anger is bad,” when it's really the
misdirection
of this emotion that causes so much trouble. The guilt that ultimately follows such an outburst seems to confirm the need to keep this primal feeling under wraps, but continued suppression is not the answer. Rage is a needlessly destructive intensification of anger and/or frustration, both of which are useful emotional signals when accessed early and employed intelligently.

The difference between anger and frustration is so straightforward that even a child can understand it. Let's say your son is throwing his toys around in a rage. Helping him decipher the message behind this violent intensification causes both of you to become thoughtful in the midst of a tantrum. Breathing deeply while talking in a matter-of-fact tone of voice, ask him situationrelevant questions: “Allen, are you mad because your little sister came into your room again and took something without asking? If so, that's anger, and I'll back you up in setting a stronger boundary with her. Or were you just trying to force that square peg into a round hole? Well, then, that's frustration. Do you want help with that puzzle?”

Deflected rage, the unconscious diversion of anger onto an innocent bystander, may seem complex, but it's little more than a relic of the dominance-submission paradigm. This archaic mentality doesn't recognize the concept of personal boundaries, so it outlaws anger. Slaves with a strong sense of self, after all, don't act like slaves. To force them to give up their lands, relinquish their culture, squelch their dreams, and work without just compensation is a gross boundary violation solidified through relentless demoralization. The descendants of serfs and preunion factory workers carry the rage of generations, with no models for sensing or setting boundaries in the present. Climbing the social ladder by accumulating wealth or advanced degrees becomes the most obvious way to escape the underling's fate.

Kings who wield the power of life and death over their subjects have evolved into managers who take advantage of employees, tenured professors who put PhD candidates through hell, doctors who shame and intimidate their interns, and parents who treat their children like possessions. Those subdued by this demented version of authority take comfort in the promise that someday, if they play by the rules, they'll have their own flunkies to torture.

And so the cycle continues. People groomed for this lifestyle never learn to stand up for themselves thoughtfully and appropriately. They become victims or bullies, usually a combination of both. Even those who try to break the pattern may lack the skills to pull it off. Conscientious cowards engage in drugs, sex addictions, and other self-destructive behavior to diffuse the rage turned inward. Yet anger in its purest form is nothing less than a call for self-respect and integrity — and for the courage to reinforce them both.

Skills associated with assertiveness and setting boundaries are discussed in Guiding Principle 4, in
chapter 16
. However, there's an additional emotional message that often feels like anger, one that becomes crucial in managing others' emotions (Guiding Principle 3, in
chapter 15
).

Over the years, I've noticed that children and highly sensitive adults, as well as horses, dogs, and other companion animals, become agitated in the presence of someone who's incongruent. People usually interpret this sensation as anger, when in fact it's an alarm signaling that they're interacting with someone who is not what he appears to be — who may, in fact, be wearing a mask of happiness, friendliness, courage, or control, when he's actually feeling aggressive, sad, or fearful.

The most efficient way to read anger is to first sense if someone has stepped over a boundary. If not, check for frustration. If neither of these messages seems relevant, this uncomfortable feeling may indicate that you're interacting with an incongruent person. Someone who wears a mask of happiness,
compliance, indifference, or stern control to hide vulnerability, disappointment, frustration, jealousy, or grief may or may not be lying per se. Some people have been so conditioned to suppress emotion that they no longer know
what
they're feeling. By asking yourself a question — “What is the emotion behind the mask, and is it directed toward me?” — you can determine whether this person is hiding something in order to take advantage of you, or if he's simply sad, angry, or fearful for personal reasons. In the latter case, this “incongruence alarm” (which feels like anger to some people, and more like agitation or anxiety to others) often subsides when you notice the incongruity and realize the person may act unpredictably because of his conflicted emotional state.

Karla McLaren's insights into boredom and apathy as repressed anger are intriguing. Someone who uses boredom or apathy as a coping strategy for dealing with anger can be resentful and sarcastic without causing anyone serious physical damage, but the emotional toll on coworkers, family, and friends can be seriously damaging — covert expression of anger through sarcasm and complacency is toxic over time.

It's important to note that sadness and anger are sometimes used to mask each other. Women will sometimes cry and assume they're sad when they're actually feeling anger because they're afraid to stand up for themselves. Men are more likely to express anger when they actually feel sad, because they've been taught that “real men don't cry.”
This is not a hard-and-fast rule, however. Sometimes men are afraid of the explosive forces of their own repressed anger and will opt to show sadness instead. Some women would rather get angry than feel sad because they're afraid they'll never stop crying if they allow the tears to come forward.

Commonly mistaken for anger, frustration does in fact feel similar to anger, and both emotions can intensify into rage. The difference, however, lies in the message. Frustration arises when we employ a technique in work or life that simply isn't effective, or try, but fail, to influence another being with whom we have a relationship. Rather than look for alternatives, or ask for help, we continue to try to force a breakthrough using familiar coping strategies that, while they may have worked in the past, produce little or no result in the current situation. Frustration continues to build to the point of rage if we refuse to adapt or to explore other alternatives. Powerlessness arises when we give up without asking for help.

You might wonder how you can answer the question about agitation or anxiety when someone's trying to hide his emotions. You may not be able to sense the exact emotion, but you can find clues by watching the person's posture, facial expressions, and behavior, especially over time. Someone who says he's “fine” with a smile that looks more like a grimace, especially when combined with tense shoulders and agitated movements, is likely to be feeling some anger, frustration, or jealousy underneath. Notice if others are infringing on his space (or personal time), pushing him too hard to meet an unrealistic deadline, or refusing to respond to his reasonable requests. If the person has puffy eyes, drooping shoulders, and low energy he may be sad or grieving, perhaps depressed. If he's suddenly, uncharacteristically controlling or defensive, he likely feels afraid or vulnerable. (Or he may have recently been shamed by a supervisor or coworker.) For strategies on how to work with incongruent people, see Guiding Principle 3, in
chapter 15
.

As discussed extensively in
chapter 12
, the use of shame to control others is an archaic, heavy-handed power tool (see
pages 216–22
). However, as a
personal
emotional message, guilt can be productive. Guilt points to destructive, neglectful, or hurtful actions and behaviors. When you engage in deflected rage, for instance, exploding at innocent bystanders because of your inability to set boundaries with the real aggressor, you will feel guilty (unless you're a sociopath).

In its purest form, guilt encourages people to hold
themselves
accountable. The justice system can punish people for breaking the law, of course, but it can't make them
feel
guilty. The total absence of this emotional signal is considered a symptom of sociopathy or psychopathy (now called “antisocial personality disorder”), which is why jails are full of people who lack remorse and other guilt-related sensations that motivate the rest of us to take others' needs and feelings into consideration and change neglectful or hurtful habits.

As an internal feeling, rather than an external cultural control, guilt is empathy's alarm system, a social regulator, an emotional moral compass that tells you when you've drifted off course. When guilt arises in your own mind-body awareness system, notice what questionable behavior you engaged in and who suffered as a result.
Sincerely
saying you're sorry and making amends or restitution, if necessary, are appropriate responses. But you must also change the
original behavior — otherwise, people will become cynical and mistrustful, considering any future attempts to take responsibility for aggressive or neglectful actions as empty apologies. (Sometimes attorneys advise us not to admit guilt or apologize because of our sue-happy culture. In this case, it's still important to alter the destructive or neglectful behavior that led to a potential suit. Taking responsibility for your actions and making appropriate changes helps release the guilt and keeps you from experiencing similar guilt-inducing situations in the future, even if you're not inclined to make a public announcement that you're a changed man or woman.)