The Power of the Herd (66 page)

“At least she's married and likely to stay in town,” Arianna told me when she called for a consultation, “though at this point I'm not sure Drew will be able to handle the work. I don't know what I'm going do if I have to fire her. My next intern can't start until October, and I'm already working day and night just to keep up. I really need Drew right now, but after the stunt she pulled yesterday I don't know if I can trust her with the horses.”

“What happened?” I asked, already taking notes, using the “difficult conversation” outline.

“Oh my God, I'm still shaking,” Arianna said. “I'm lucky I didn't get f***ing killed!”

I hadn't actually heard this woman swear before, but she used lots of unprintable words that day, as well as a number of shaming phrases regarding Drew's integrity and intelligence (or, more specifically, the lack thereof). I was relieved that Arianna had the good sense to call me before speaking with her intern about the incident. Drew would surely have quit on the spot — and probably bad-mouthed Arianna throughout the tight-knit, gossip-prone horse community — if Arianna had spoken to her employee in this outraged state.

My client was venting, of course, a sometimes necessary first step in releasing intense emotion, productive if engaged in confidentially with a coach, counselor, or emotionally intelligent confidant. As it turned out, she knew she was venting. In fact, she'd already used the challenging-conversation format, proceeding to read it to me over the phone. This is her first draft:

1. O
PENING
S
TATEMENT

Drew, I want to talk to you about your dangerous, inconsiderate, unprofessional, sabotaging behavior yesterday.

2. O
BSERVATION

When you came in
late
yesterday, I was already saddling up our new client's horse, Rumor. You know how sensitive she is, how hard I've worked to gain this mare's trust. You also knew I was planning to ride her for the first time, and you were supposed to help me.

Well, not only did you
not
help me, you almost killed one or both of us. You came into the barn in such a huff, throwing your backpack down
next to the cross ties. Didn't you see that Rumor reared up slightly when you did that? Oh no! Not only that, but you stomped right on by both of us, and then slammed the barn office door, whereupon Rumor did rear up in the cross ties and almost fell over backward.

You should know, being a rider and a so-called trainer yourself, that horses can die that way. I did manage to step in there and pull the quick release. As Rumor came down, she slammed against me and threw me into the wall. Then she took off bucking out of the barn and down the road. Thank God you had the decency to close the gate on your way in or she would have run into traffic! I didn't have time to even consider the fact that her hoof came less than an inch from my face. It took me twenty minutes to catch her, she was so riled up. Of course, I didn't ride her yesterday. In fact, I practically have to start all over again with her, as she's scared of everything right now!

This always happens to me. Just when I start to become successful, someone comes in saying they want to help, when what they really do is find some way to sabotage me. I thought you were different.

3. I
MPACT

You have cost me time, money, my reputation, and possibly your own job. I'm going to have to call Rumor's owner and tell her what happened. This means her horse will need to be in training for another month at least, and because this was our fault, we are going to have to train this horse for free. So now I'm working for free and paying you to work here. When I screw up, I pay. When you screw up,
I
pay.

4. R
EQUEST

If you're going to work here, you need to act professionally. I can see that you were pissed off about something, but you cannot work around horses if you can't control your temper. I need you to get some outside help on this, maybe some counseling, but when you show up for work, I need to know you can handle yourself.

Believe it or not, this was quite an improvement over what Arianna initially told me about the incident. There were no swear words and fewer shaming, overtly demeaning statements. Yet this draft, which seemed professional and self-controlled to Arianna, still needed some work. The opening statement was too judgmental and not really specific enough about the real issue at stake. The first three paragraphs of the observation section were pretty good in
describing behavior, though some sarcasm and minor barbs would have put Drew on the defensive. (Statements such as “You should know, being a rider and a
so-called trainer
yourself...” not only questioned Drew's expertise and integrity but were also insulting.) The last paragraph of that section reeked of transference from Arianna's personal past. (When someone says, “This always happens to me,” you know you're dealing with a heightened emotional response inspired by past betrayals, conflicts, or, in this case, perceived sabotage.)

The “Impact” and “Request” sections were not quite specific or refined enough, consisting mostly of generalizations that would probably be heard as judgments or insults by the receiver of this feedback.

After exploring the deeper issues and emotions Arianna was experiencing, we were able to clarify what related to the present situation and what was bleeding through from the past. In moving beyond her initial assessment that she was feeling “pissed off” and “sabotaged,” Arianna realized that, during the emergency with Rumor, she felt afraid for herself and the horse and angry at Drew. The messages behind these emotions were about safety and boundaries. By working further with these ideas, Arianna came up with a masterful opening statement. She then cleaned up the observation segment, removing references to the past, which, she realized with some surprise, had to do with her mother's envious, sometimes sabotaging behavior, particularly when Arianna excelled at childhood horse shows.

“Jeez, I hadn't thought about this in years, but my mother had a very critical, oppressive mother of her own,” Arianna said. “Mom wanted a horse as a child. But she was never allowed to have one. There was kind of a love/hate thing going on with her in relation to me, especially at the barn. She was supporting me in following my dreams after her own parents did everything they could to put her down and keep her down. But sometimes this would cause her to act weird. One time when I was saddling up for a championship, she got me so upset over something stupid that I ended up losing big-time.”

Arianna realized that sabotage was a multigenerational family pattern, and she decided to explore this further with a counselor. During our consultation, however, she was able to clarify her emotional response to the current dilemma and to her previously unconscious past history. As a result, the “Impact” and “Request” segments of her statements evolved as well.

Here's the final version of Arianna's difficult-conversation form:

1. O
PENING
S
TATEMENT

Drew, I want to talk to you about the need to create an inviolable zone of safety in the barn.

2. O
BSERVATION

When you came in late yesterday, I was already saddling up our new client's horse, Rumor. You know how sensitive she is, how hard I've worked to gain this mare's trust. You also knew I was planning to ride her for the first time, and you were supposed to help me. When you came into the barn and threw your backpack down next to the cross ties, Rumor reared up slightly. She got even more nervous when you stomped past both of us. When you slammed the barn office door, Rumor reared up in the cross ties and almost fell over backward.

Being a rider and a trainer yourself, you know that horses can be seriously injured or even die that way. I did manage to step in and pull the quick release. As Rumor came down and took off, she slammed against me and threw me into the wall. Then she went bucking out of the barn and down the road. Thank God you closed the gate on your way in or she would have run into traffic! I remembered afterward that her hoof came less than an inch from my face at one point, so not only was Rumor's life in danger, mine was too. It took me twenty minutes to catch her, she was so riled up. I didn't ride her yesterday. When I brought her into the barn this morning, she was very frightened of the cross ties. This is now a training issue Rumor didn't have when she got here.

3.
I
MPACT

I'm going to have to call Rumor's owner and tell her what happened. She comes to the barn on weekends, likes to check in on the mare's progress, and will definitely notice the difference. To correct this behavior, Rumor will need to be in training for an additional two to three weeks. Because this was our fault, we are going to have to train Rumor for free during that extra time. Every dollar we bring in counts in this economy. We are running close to the bone, and we must guard against anything like this happening again. I need you to assist me in training Rumor off the clock
during the time I'm also working for free. We are in this together and must be willing to make adjustments when we make mistakes.

4. R
EQUEST

I could see that you were angry or frustrated about something, and I would like to hear what happened in just a moment. But first I have a request: Whether this is a personal or a work-related issue, things will happen, and we may not always be able to control our emotions. However, from now on, whenever you — or I or anyone else who works here — are feeling agitated, I need us to make a pledge to protect everyone's safety above all. This means I need you to notice that you're in a heightened emotional state and stay out of the barn until you calm down.

If something like this happens again, and I'm expecting you to help me with a horse, I need you to lean around the barn door and tell me you are invoking the barn safety rule. After I finish with the horse, I will come and talk to you about what's going on and when you can rejoin us in a calmer state.

Now, please tell me what happened yesterday. If this was a personal issue you don't want to share, just let me know that too. But if something is going on that's relevant to the job, I need to know so that I can make some adjustments on my end as well.

When Arianna sat down with Drew the following day, this centered, well-prepared boss didn't just read the form to her silent employee. She expected some questions, comments, perhaps even retaliatory behaviors. However, because Arianna had worked through her own confusing emotions ahead of time, removing inflammatory statements from multiple drafts, Drew was, in fact, able to
hear
the feedback and
respond
productively (for the most part).

Had Arianna delivered the first version she presented to me, she would have seen much more resistance. By creating a stellar opening statement — and a clear, detailed discussion of how to handle similar situations in the future — Arianna addressed the challenge without demeaning Drew, motivating both parties to move forward, ultimately turning a volatile situation into a trustbuilding experience.

In recognizing the messages behind her emotions, differentiating between personal and professional issues, and working out how to address the relevant information in her meeting with Drew, Arianna found that her emotional
charge around the incident had dissipated significantly, energy she would otherwise have projected tonally and nonverbally. Arianna's poise during the meeting, therefore, was completely authentic — a result of her total lack of suppressed emotion. This had a calming effect on Drew, who experienced her boss's thoughtful, problem-solving stance as supportive and engaged, acting for the good of the horses and the staff.

If, on the other hand, Arianna had suppressed her feelings, jumping into the conversation without fully processing the messages first, she would have appeared incongruent at the very least and, in all likelihood, released some of the tension in unproductive ways, perhaps damaging the relationship irreparably.

Shame, sarcasm, cynicism, and rage seething underneath a “professional” facade are communicated through demeanor and vocal tone, creating confusing, intensely uncomfortable, sometimes aggressive undercurrents that lead to more conflict in the long run. When people can discuss
behavior
without emotionally charged comments or body language, others are better able to listen and make the necessary changes, especially if their behavior is outlined succinctly — all the more reason to prepare for challenging conversations.

After speaking with her intern, my client called me, excited to report her success. But it wasn't Drew's positive response to the prepared part of the conversation that made Arianna so undeniably proud. It was her ability to constructively handle what set Drew off, teasing apart elements relevant to the job, to Drew's past show barn experience, and to current issues with her husband.

“I took the Emotional Message Chart with me as you suggested,” Arianna reported. “And, boy, did I need it. Drew was pleasantly surprised at first because she thought I was really going to lay into her. Actually she looked downright shocked at my opening statement. She truly couldn't disagree with the idea of creating a safety zone in the barn!”

As the conversation proceeded, however, Drew had trouble deciphering her own tangled ball of emotions and issues. Like Arianna, she had been working overtime since the second intern had left. She was tired and frazzled. Even worse, her husband was pressuring her to quit. He didn't like her pursuing an equine-related career, especially if it meant she wouldn't be home to fix dinner. The morning of the incident in question, Drew had fought with her spouse, rushed out the door, left her lunch on the counter, and then locked her keys in the car. She was running in to call AAA because she was afraid to ask her husband to bring an extra key to the barn after work.