The Power of the Herd (46 page)

It's also important to be realistic about your own talents, values, and resources. If you're five feet four and have always dreamed of becoming a fashion model, you may be envious of a girlfriend who is five feet ten; but your true calling probably lies elsewhere. Similarly, if you envy the head of a Fortune 500 company who clawed his way to the top, betraying numerous friends and colleagues along the way, you may want to look more deeply into his lifestyle and relationships, evaluating his methods against your own moral compass.

Sometimes inequities are honest oversights. You're more effective at motivating change if you approach management from this perspective. However, inequities in pay and opportunity can also be related to race, religion, or sex, in which case the matter becomes a social issue that may demand organized activism to shift. In this case, strategizing and
gathering support to change an unfair system can put you in a long-term leadership role that has wider cultural implications.

In business, it's natural to feel jealous of someone who's been promoted to a position we desire. This is a special case — an
unavoidable
inequity of opportunity — as only one person can be chosen for a job that many want. The questions to ask in this situation, then, do not involve finding someone to rectify the situation. Instead you must research why this person was chosen above others, comparing your own skills to those of the winner and possibly getting additional training to be better suited to such a position in the future. If your supervisor is willing to discuss the topic with you honestly, interview her about what skills and personal qualities the successful candidate had that made him stand out as best qualified for the job. It's also helpful to work with a coach to assess your own strengths and challenges. In terms of emotional and social intelligence, I've found the Simmons EQ Profile to be an incredibly sophisticated tool for this purpose, especially in combination with executive coaching. For more information on this process and other EQ-boosting strategies, I highly recommend Bob Wall's book
Coaching for Emotional Intelligence.
(Wall himself is sometimes available as a coach and an expert interpreter of the Simmons EQ Profile.)

Disappointment is a common emotion in the workplace and in personal relationships. When we ignore or try to hide disappointment over time, unspoken negativity or apathy rises, communication breaks down, and cynicism abounds.

When people finally gain the courage to address their disappointment, they've often reached high levels of frustration, mistrust, and resentment as a result of multiple instances of unexpressed disappointment. In this much more desperate emotional state, people have a tendency to speak in a shaming tone of voice, which puts others on the defensive, creating further blocks to clarity and creative problem solving. Asking the questions listed in the following table before meeting with a person or group of people who've disappointed you can help you prepare for a much more constructive conversation.

Often, you realize that you weren't clear in communicating your expectations to begin with, essentially setting others up for failure. When used thoughtfully and
expediently,
disappointment inspires greater clarity, teamwork, and problem solving. When suppressed and ignored, it leads to an increasingly confusing and toxic work or home environment.

Many people are much more afraid of sadness than fear or anger. In the workplace, crying is often perceived as a sign of weakness for both sexes. You can, of course, learn to control
when
you cry, holding back the tears for private reflection or supportive family settings. But cry you must: the inability to process sadness and grief can keep you from letting go and moving forward.

Some of my clients act as if they'll dry up and blow away if they release all the tears they've been saving up for years. And they can't bear to see anyone else cry, which prevents them from handling emotionally charged home and work situations effectively. I have to assure these people that I've never, ever seen anyone die of sadness. A person might become depressed and suicidal from suppressing it, but the original feeling is both healing and life affirming.

According to Karla McLaren, this misunderstood emotion
“restores flow” to the system “when loss is imminent and
in our best interest
.” More specifically, sadness “brings the healing waters of tears and physical release to us” and “removes log jams in our psyches” so we can live authentically again. In her books
Emotional Genius
and
The Language of Emotions,
McLaren reveals that sadness is often a part of grief or depression, but that in its purest form it's a healing agent that motivates us to let go of what no longer serves us so we can
embrace the next stage of growth and creativity. She emphasizes that we must ask two questions of this emotion: “What must be released?” and “What must be rejuvenated?” If we can't release our attachment to old patterns, destructive relationships, or jobs that no longer serve us, we can't be rejuvenated, and the sadness persists. The concept is as basic as remembering to wash rancid wine out of a glass before pouring in the new.

With sadness, there's some choice in when and how to release what no longer works. With grief, however, the loss or death has already occurred. In accepting a new position, especially a promotion based on previous success, you will feel sadness in leaving valued team members — and perhaps a beautiful home, family, and friends if this enticing opportunity requires moving to another city. If you decide to leave a hopeless marriage or once-satisfying career you've outgrown, you'll also experience sadness, but you still have some say in the timing and the details of the dissolution. However, if you're suddenly laid off from a job you value, or a beloved spouse suffers a fatal car crash on the way home from work, you'll plunge into grief.

Grief is so painful because anything that takes form — a relationship, a method, a lifestyle, a business, a human body — solidifies to the point of resisting change. When it finally breaks apart or fails to function, grief arises in direct proportion to how attached we had become to it. Sometimes a loved one dies suddenly, presumably before his or her time. In this case, the family's entire life changes in an instant. Yet the main question to ask of this emotion is: “What must be mourned?” And the tears that come in waves over months, or even years, help us let go of what seemed so suddenly and rudely snatched away from us. Memorializing what was lost can provide solace, reminding us to appreciate life's daily gifts as we also recognize their impermanence.

Yet because grief also involves a boundary violation — something you value is taken away from you — anger is often involved as well. Sometimes, justice can provide closure. In a drunk-driving accident, the responsible party is clear. A CFO who mismanages company funds can be fired, fined, and perhaps prosecuted. Restitution helps alleviate the anger, but most certainly not the loss, which still requires mourning. But grief also occurs in response to impersonal life circumstances where no one person is culpable — a natural disaster or economic forces beyond anyone's control. In this case, you may also experience the vulnerability of having to reinvent your life and career while also dealing with the loss of a valued job, home, or relationship.

When I feel tears rising, I ask questions related to sadness (Do I have a choice in when and how to let go of what no longer serves me?), then grief
(Has something or someone I value been taken away from me?). Sometimes, however, it's clear that neither of these emotions fits the situation, in which case I realize I might be experiencing tears of joy, frustration, recognition, or inspiration. In the latter case, I feel stirred by beauty, power, awe, or mystery, usually through my own or someone else's ability to draw attention to something that was previously hidden.

Artists understand the value of inspirational tears. These people know that the ability to move people deeply — to give voice or form to what was previously felt but unspoken or unseen — can work magic in motivating others to join forces and pursue ambitious goals, generating hope and dedication.

For many people, tears — of sadness, grief, joy, and inspiration — represent the final frontier, the final hurdle in moving from mediocrity to brilliance. Visionary leaders don't shrink from situations that stretch the mind and the heart. Whether by talent, calling, or soulful hard work and endurance, they develop the emotional heroism necessary to face extreme loss and injustice while inspiring others to create a better world. Sometimes, in the process, they cry.

Ultimately, exceptional leaders realize that
tears are power,
especially when met with consciousness, courage, and integrity.

Sadness, by this definition, implies we have a choice in when and how to let go of something we once valued but is no longer working for us: a job, a relationship, a home. McLaren emphasizes we must ask both questions in the table above to complete the cycle. People who are promoted, for instance, often feel a mixture of excitement and sadness as they realize they will miss certain coworkers, activities, and so on from the previous position. Recognizing sadness as a process involving choice, release, and rejuvenation allows people to move efficiently through this uncomfortable by-product of change.

Grief does not involve a choice. Through an accident, illness, or change in the economic climate, you may lose a spouse, a job, physical health, and so on before you're ready, if you ever would have been. Because something valuable has been taken against your will, there is also an element of anger in grief: it is the ultimate boundary violation to have your life turned upside down by outside forces beyond your control. Crying tears that often feel like a mixture of deep sadness, loneliness, anger, and vulnerability allows you to slowly let go of an important relationship, job, or other part of your life. Memorializing what was lost adds to the constructive expression of this emotion: finding ways to remember, cherish, and, at times, even celebrate the gifts that this person, job, or stage of life provided you is healing and over time restores your appreciation and enthusiasm for life.
For more information on how to work through grief
and support others who are grieving, I highly recommend
Good Grief: Healing through the Shadow of Loss
by counselor and fellow Eponaquest instructor Deborah Morris Coryell.

A RAND Corporation study found that people with depressive symptoms
spend more days in bed than those with diabetes, arthritis, back problems, lung problems, or gastrointestinal disorders, leading to an estimated 200 million workdays lost each year due to employee depression. And the total cost of depression to the nation in 1990? Between $30 and $44
billion
dollars! This figure has likely increased since the economic crisis of 2008.

While depression is sometimes promoted exclusively — particularly by
drug companies — as a biochemical disorder best treated by medication, more recent studies show that stressors in the work environment also contribute to symptoms. These include
“interpersonal conflicts, work demands, organizational politics
, lack of faith in organizational management, and perceived control over job tasks and job environment.”

Classic symptoms of clinical depression include
not only sleep and eating disturbances, fatigue, chronic aches and pains, difficulty concentrating, and irritability but some extreme (and rather telling) emotional symptoms as well: feelings of hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness, and a persistent sad, empty, or anxious mood.