The Pages We Forget (15 page)

He was right. June had turned the light out on the dock. This spot was hers. Every morning, she could be found standing here gazing out at the lake as she waited for the sun to rise. It was the lake that sold June on the idea of spending millions of dollars to build a home this far away from Hampton Springs. The lake afforded her the tranquility and privacy she longed for after spending her first three years in Detroit living in an upscale, high-rise apartment.

After the success of her first album and the top-of-the-charts debut of her second album, they decided it was time to move. She wanted a private place where she could lose her growing celebrity and she found it here.

With the light out and in the fog, a person could get lost sitting on the dock. That's exactly what June wanted. She wanted the world around her to be different for a while. If she could close her
eyes and listen to the wind waltz across the lake and feel the mist caress her face, she could pretend she was lost. Lost in a place far from the questions everyone was bound to ask. Farther away from the answers and the man walking toward her.

“I brought you a jacket.” Alex stopped a few feet away from the bench that June was sitting on and tossed the jacket to her. “I think we're going to get some rain tonight.”

June was glad he couldn't see her or the tears she wiped away. “Thank you.”

“Junie, I found this envelope on the bed with my name on it. Is there something you want to tell me?”

She hesitated before answering. She had to make a choice. She could tell him she wrote the letter because she had to go back and right what went wrong that night with Keith. Or, she could tell him she wrote the letter but her mind had changed and she had decided to forget that chapter of her life.

“You wrote it, Junie. Will you tell me what it says? I didn't bother to read it, because I wanted to hear it from you.”

June could only see Alex's frame from where she sat, but she felt his heart breaking. So was hers.

“Talk to me, Junie. You're going or you're staying. Make up your mind.” Alex took a step toward her. “I've gone along with you since the day we met. I stood by you and I loved you, even though I knew that deep down inside you still loved him. I went along, Junie, but you crossed the line. You went too far this time.”

“Alex?”

“Staying or leaving, Junie?”

“I'm trying to talk to you.”

“Staying or leaving?”

“Listen to me!” June shouted.

Alex didn't have to see her to figure out she was hurting as much as he was.

“I wrote the letter. And it says that I have to leave, that I have to find him and ask him why.” She was drowning in her tears. “But that's not how I feel now. I know this is hard for you to understand. I don't understand why I thought I needed to find him. I thought I needed to know. I figured if he told me why he left that I could get him out of my life for good and out of my heart. But I guess that's not what's meant to be. My life now is meant to be. My life is here with you.”

“Junie, I don't know what else to do.”

“I'm sorry, Alex,” she cried. “It wasn't supposed to happen this way.”

Alex couldn't believe what he was about to say, but he had to say it. “Junie,” he said. “I love you and I don't know how I'm going to live without you if you don't return. But, I have to let you go back to him.”

“What?” June couldn't believe her ears. “What are you saying?”

“I know you love me, Junie. I've always known. But, I've fought so hard against you these past few months and I've said some terrible things. And, it dawned on me that I was scared. I was afraid of losing you to him. Right now, I'm scared to death, but I realize that I'll never be happy until I'm the only man you love. And that won't happen until you make peace with him.”

“I can't and I won't do that to you, Alex,” she said. “You don't really want me to go.”

“I'm asking you to go.” He heard her footsteps coming toward him. He couldn't see her face, but he felt their eyes connecting. “I need you to go, Junie.”

The footsteps stopped directly in front of him.

“If I go, I'll have to take Trevor.”

“I know.”

“That means I'll have to tell him the truth.”

“I know.” His heart broke again. “Will you tell him that I love him and that he'll always be my son and I'll always be his dad?”

“I think you should tell him that.”

“That wouldn't be a good idea.” Alex wiped his eyes. “Take Trevor and go before I regret what I'm asking you to do. I'll straighten everything out with your mother and the others in the morning.”

“How will I find him?”

“He lives in Florida,” Alex answered. “In Micanopy. It's a small town near Gainesville.”

“How do you know?”

“I know. Here are the directions to his house. And these are the letters you were looking for.” He handed her the pocketbook and a sheet of paper with directions to Keith's house once she got to Micanopy.

“Where did you find them?”

“I took them.”

“I don't know what to say.” June threw her arms around Alex.

He pushed her away. “I don't need to be holding you right now, Junie. Not right now.”

June stared at the silhouette in front of her. She felt his pain. “I'm sorry, Alex.”

“You don't have anything to be sorry for,” he said. “You've given me a lot, and now it's time for me to give something back.”

“Alex?”

“Go now, Junie! Now,” he begged.

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. June discovered that walking away from him was the hardest thing she had ever had to
do. She didn't know if it was her feet or her heart holding her there, but she couldn't move. “I love you.” She cried and threw her arms around him. “I love you so much.”

He wanted to push her away, but she loved him and he couldn't deny it. And, he loved her. So, he took her in his arms and held her close. After a few more moments of indulging in her essence, he gathered his courage to whisper, “Good-bye.”

“Never,” she replied. “Never good-bye.”

(lyrics and arrangement by June)

I don't feel like celebrating.

I don't feel like conversating.

Don't feel like masquerading.

I'm letting time pass me by.

Don't know why my heart's still breaking.

Don't know why my song is fading.

Don't know much of nothing.

There's only one thing that I know.

CHORUS:

I'm missing you,

and the love we used to share.

You said whenever I reached for you,

you would always be there.

But tonight you're gone,

and I'm here all alone.

I'm missing you,

and I don't know what to do.

I don't feel like wondering what's next.

But I don't feel like letting go yet.

Don't feel like I'll ever forget,

that day you walked away.

Don't know why you turned and left me.

Don't know why your tears still haunt me.

Don't know much of nothing.

There's just one thing that I know.

CHORUS

Don't know when we'll meet again.

Don't know if you'll love me then.

Don't know how much longer I can,

go on without you here.

CHORUS

(repeat to fade)

W
hat am I doing here? Where am I going? Wake up, Junie. Wake up. I'm up. I'm up. But if I'm not sleep, what the hell am I doing here? My God, what am I doing? Stop crying. Stop crying. I can't let Trevor see me crying. Stop crying, damn it! Just try not to think about it. Try, Junie! Okay, I won't think about it. I won't think about it. I'll just drive to the airport. Catch a flight to Gainesville. Rent a car and drive out to Micanopy. Lord, help me. What am I doing?

“Ma? Where are we going?” Trevor sat up in the passenger seat of June's Mercedes as they cruised along the freeway.

Stop crying girl and answer him.

“We're going to Florida,” June responded.

“What for? Gramps is here.”

“We're not going home. We're going to Micanopy.”

“Micanopy? Where's that? And, what for?”

“I'll tell you later. Right now, I need to focus on the road. It's been so long since I actually drove to the airport that I've almost forgotten how to get there.”

There. That should hold him for a minute. I don't know what I'm going to tell him. When he asks again, and he will, why we're going to Florida, what will I say? Lord, give me strength. I just need to think. Give me a minute. No. Wait. Did that sign say airport, next exit? I better slow down. Let's see. How in the hell am I supposed to drive and read all these signs?

“Does Dad know we're gone?”

“Dad?”

“Does he know we're gone?”

“Do you think I would up and leave without telling Alex where we're going?”

“Then how come I didn't see him when we left?”

“Because he was really, really tired. He told me to tell you bye and that he'll see you when we get back.”

“When are we coming back?”

“In a couple of days.”

A couple of days. What do I hope to accomplish? What if Keith won't talk to me? I can't tell him about Trevor. Not until I know the truth about why he left. I don't want him feeling sorry for me.

“Why didn't Auntie Lea come with us? She always goes with us.”

Trevor, why can't you just hush and ride?

“Earth to Ma!”

“What did you say?”

Trevor leaned toward June. “What's wrong, Ma?”

“Nothing's wrong.” June glanced at Trevor. “What makes you think something's wrong? Haven't we gone on trips by ourselves before?”

“You're acting scared, Ma.”

“Scared? Scared of what?”

“I don't know, but you're acting like you're scared of something.”

“Well, I'm not.”

It had been a long time since June traveled anywhere without at least part of her entourage of Alex, Bernard, Leatrice, Willie and Joe. And, it had been years since she'd had to ask for directions at an airport or stand at a ticket counter. She was a little intimidated by all the pointing arrows and the constantly changing departure
and arrival monitors. There were people whose job it was to handle these tasks for her. Someone made all the arrangements in advance, picked up the tickets, ushered her into the terminals and onto the planes. Someone was always there. But not this time. She was on her own.

Although she was casually dressed in jeans and a pullover sweater, the handful of people entering and exiting Detroit Metropolitan Airport still recognized her. Most were a little shocked to see June Thomas standing in the ticket line. The young man working at the ticket counter was speechless. Standing behind her was an elderly white woman trying to whisper in her husband's hearing aid while pointing at June. The four people standing in line behind them, including Trevor, were all privy to the conversation.

“She's a singer,” the woman said. “The one we saw on television last night?”

“That's her?” he asked and turned his good ear to his wife.

“You can't tell?”

“Well, now that you told me who she is, I can tell. She looks a lot different in person.”

“They all do,” she said. And after seeing Trevor staring at her, she spoke to him, “Hi.”

Trevor frowned.

June was talking to the ticket agent and didn't hear the conversation between the couple, but she turned around in time to see Trevor's disapproving stare. June turned to the couple.

The woman smiled. “I was just saying hello to your son.”

“His name is Trevor.”

“Hi, Trevor,” the woman said. “My name's Elizabeth, but all my friends call me Liz.”

He didn't respond.

“He's a little upset with me for dragging him out of bed this early.” June tried to make some sort of excuse to assuage his display of rudeness. “He's not a morning person.”

“Neither is my husband, Charlie. Last night I asked him to stay up with me to watch your concert. He didn't want to at first. He kept complaining about how he had to get up early this morning. But after you started singing, I couldn't pull him away from the television.”

“I think you're an amazing singer.” The woman's husband smiled. “I can't remember the last time I heard a voice as beautiful as yours.”

“Now, Charlie, stop embarrassing yourself,” Liz said, poking him. She nudged June and whispered, “He never compliments anyone. For him to say something like that, he must really, really like you.” She joked, “I bet if you weren't already married, he'd try to run off and leave me for you.”

“She's not married,” Trevor snapped.

“Really? I thought you were married to that Alex guy,” Liz recalled. “I guess you two look so good together that you should be married.”

“He's asked her to marry him three times, but she said no.” Trevor's filter was completely off now, slinging dirt like the couple were entertainment reporters.

“Trevor!”

“I forgot, Ma.” Trevor's surprising contempt shined brighter than a diamond under a noonday sun. He turned to Liz, leaning in like he wanted her to keep a secret. “She doesn't like for me to talk about our personal life.”