The Man You'll Marry (16 page)

Making a rapid decision, Jill got her jacket and purse and hurried toward the penthouse elevator, purposely leaving her cell phone behind.

Not having any particular destination, she wandered downtown until she passed a movie theater and decided to go in. The movie wasn’t one that really interested her, but she bought a ticket, anyway, willing to subject herself to a B-grade comedy if it meant she could escape for a couple of hours.

The movie actually turned out to be quite entertaining. The plot was ridiculous, but there were enough humorous moments to make her laugh. And if Jill had ever needed some comic relief, it was now.

On impulse she stopped at a deli and picked up a couple of sandwiches, then flagged down a taxi. Before she could change her mind, she gave the driver the address of Jordan’s office building.

She had a bit of trouble convincing the security guard to admit her, but eventually, after the guard talked to Jordan, she was allowed inside.

“Jill,” he snapped when she stepped off the elevator, “where have you been?”

“It’s good to see you, too,” she said, ignoring the irritation in his voice. She kissed his cheek, then walked casually past him.

“Where were you?”

“I went out to a movie,” she said, strolling into his office. His desk, a large mahogany one, was littered with folders and papers. She noted dryly that he was
alone. Everyone else was gone, but he hadn’t afforded himself the same luxury.

“You were at a movie?”

She didn’t answer. “I thought you might be hungry,” she said, neatly stacking a pile of folders in order to clear one small corner of his desk. “I went to Griffin’s and bought us both something to eat.”

“I ate earlier.”

“Oh.” So much for that brilliant idea. “Unfortunately, I didn’t.” She plopped herself down in the comfortable leather chair and pulled a turkey-on-rye from the sack, along with a cup of coffee, setting both on the space she’d cleared.

Jordan looked as though he wasn’t sure what to do with her. He leaned over the desk and shoved several files to one side.

“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

“Of course not,” he answered dryly. “I was staying late for the fun of it.”

“There certainly isn’t any reason to hurry home,” she returned just as dryly.

Jordan rubbed his eyes, and his shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry, Jill. These past few weeks have been hard on you, haven’t they?”

He moved behind her and grasped her shoulders. His touch had always had a calming effect on Jill, but she wanted to fight it, wanted to fight her weakness for him.

“Jill,” Jordan whispered. “Let’s go home.” He bent down and kissed the side of her neck. A shiver raced
through her body and Jill breathed deeply, placing her hands over his.

“Home,” she repeated softly, as if it was the most beautiful word in the English language.

“Jill!” Shelly’s eyes widened when she opened the front door one evening a few weeks later. “What’s wrong?”

“Wrong,” Jill repeated numbly.

“You look awful.”

“How kind of you to point it out.”

“I’ve got it!” Shelly said excitedly. “You’re pregnant, too.”

“Unfortunately, no,” she said, passing Shelly and walking into the kitchen. She took a clean mug from the dishwasher and poured herself a cup of coffee. “How are you feeling, by the way?”

“Rotten,” Shelly admitted, then added with a smile, “Wonderful.”

Jill pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down. If she spent another evening alone, she was going to go crazy. She probably should have phoned Shelly first rather than dropping in unannounced, but driving over here had given her an excuse to leave the penthouse. This evening she badly needed an excuse. Anything to get away. Anything to escape the loneliness. Funny, she’d lived by herself for years, yet she’d never felt so empty, so alone, as she had in the past two months. Even the conversation with Andrew Howard earlier in the evening had only momentarily lifted her spirits.

“Where’s Mark?”

Shelly grinned. “You won’t believe it if I tell you.”

“Tell me.”

“He’s taking a carpentry class.”

“Carpentry? Mark?”

Shelly’s grin broadened. “He wants to make a cradle for the baby. He’s so sweet I can hardly stand it. You know Mark, he’s absolutely useless when it comes to anything practical. Give him a few numbers and he’s a whiz kid, but when he has to change a lightbulb, he needs an instruction manual. I love him dearly, but when he told me he was going to build a cradle for the baby, I couldn’t help it, I laughed.”

“Shelly!”

“I know. It was a rotten thing to do, so Mark’s out there proving how wrong I am. This is his first night, and I just hope the instructor doesn’t kick him out of the class.”

Despite her unhappiness, Jill smiled. It felt good to be around Shelly, to laugh again, to have a reason to laugh.

“I haven’t talked to you in ages,” Shelly remarked. “But then I shouldn’t expect to, should I? You and Jordan are still on your honeymoon, aren’t you?”

Tears sprang instantly to Jill’s eyes, blurring her vision. “Yes,” she lied, looking away, praying that Shelly, who was so happy in her own marriage, wouldn’t notice how miserable Jill was in hers.

“Oh, before I forget,” Shelly said excitedly, “I heard from Aunt Milly.”

“What did she have to say?”

“She asked me to thank you for your letter, telling her about meeting Jordan and everything. She loves a good romance. Then she said something odd.”

“Oh?”

“She felt the dress was meant to be worn one more time.”

“Again? By whom?”

Shelly leaned forward. “You and Jordan were too wrapped up in each other on your wedding day to notice, but your mother and Mr. Howard got along famously. Milly wouldn’t have known that, of course, but…it’s obviously meant to be.”

“My mother.” Now that she recalled her conversation with Andrew at the wedding, it made sense. In the weeks since their return from Hawaii, she’d forgotten about it. He’d phoned Jill twice, but he hadn’t mentioned Elaine, nor had her mother mentioned him.

“What do you think?”

“My mother and Mr. Howard?” Jill experienced a feeling of rightness.

“Isn’t that incredible?” Shelly positively beamed. Until recently—the arrival of the wedding dress, to be exact—Jill hadn’t realized what a complete romantic her friend was.

“But Mom hasn’t said a word.”

“Did you expect her to?”

Jill shrugged. Shelly was right; Elaine would approach romance and remarriage with extreme caution.

“Wouldn’t it be fabulous if your mother ended up wearing the dress?”

Jill nodded and, placing her fingertips to her temples, closed her eyes. “A vision’s coming to me now….”

Shelly laughed.

“I think we should call my mom and tell her that we both had a clear vision of her standing in the dress next to a distinguished-looking older man.”

Once again, Shelly giggled. “Oh, that’s good. That’s really good.” She sighed contentedly. “The dress definitely belongs with your mother. We’ll have to do something about that soon.”

Jill pretended her tears were ones of mirth and dashed them away with the back of one hand.

But the amusement slowly faded from Shelly’s eyes. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or are you going to make me force it out of you?”

“I—I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. Don’t forget I know you. You’ve been my best friend for years. You wouldn’t be here if something wasn’t wrong.”

“It’s that crazy wedding dress again,” Jill confessed.

“The wedding dress?”

“I should never have worn it.”

“Jill!” Shelly exclaimed, then frowned. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“It clouded my judgment. I was always the romantic one, remember? Always a sucker for a good love story. When Milly first mailed you the dress, I thought
it was the neatest thing to happen since low-fat ice cream.”

“Not true! Remember how you persuaded me—”

“I know what I said,” Jill interrupted. “But deep down, I could hardly wait to see what happened. When you and Mark decided to marry, I was thrilled. Later, after I arrived in Hawaii and you had the dress delivered to me, I kind of allowed myself to play along with the fantasy. I’ve wanted to get married for a long time. I’d like to have children.”

“Jill,” Shelly said, looking puzzled, “I’m not sure I follow you.”

“I think I might even have felt a little…jealous that you got married before I did. I was the one who wanted a husband, not you, and yet here you were, so much in love. Somehow it just didn’t seem fair.” The tears slipped down her cheeks and she absently brushed them away.

“But you’re married now and Jordan’s crazy about you.”

“He was for about a week, but that’s worn off.”

“He loves you!”

“Yes, I suppose in his own way he does.” Jill didn’t have the strength to argue. “But not enough.”

“Not enough?”

“It’s too hard to explain,” she said. “I came over to tell you I’ve made a decision.” As hard as she tried, she couldn’t keep herself from sobbing, “I’ve decided to leave Jordan.”

S
helly’s eyes narrowed with disbelief. “You can’t possibly mean that!”

Leaving Jordan wasn’t a decision Jill had made lightly. She’d agonized over it for days. Unable to answer her friend, she pushed back her hair with hands that wouldn’t stop shaking. Her stomach was in knots. “It just isn’t going to work. I need some time away from him to sort through my feelings. I don’t
want
to leave, but I’m afraid I’ll just fall apart if I stay.”

Shelly had never been one to disguise her feelings. Anger flashed from her eyes. “You haven’t given the marriage a decent chance. It hasn’t even been two months.”

“I know everything I need to know. Jordan isn’t married to me, he’s married to his company. Shelly, you’re my best friend—but there are things you don’t know, things I can’t explain about what’s happening between me and Jordan. Things that go back to my childhood and being raised the way I was.”

“You love him.”

Jill closed her eyes and nodded. She did love Jordan, so much her heart was breaking, so much she didn’t know if she’d survive leaving him, so much she doubted she’d ever love this deeply again.

“I don’t expect you to understand,” Jill continued, choking over the words. “I wanted you to know…because I’m going to be living with my mother for a while. Just until I can sort through my feelings and figure out what I’m going to do.”

“Have you told him yet?” Shelly’s voice sounded less sharp.

“No.” Jill had delayed that as long as possible, not knowing what to say or how to say it. This wasn’t a game, or an attempt to manipulate Jordan into devoting more time to her and their marriage. She refused to fall into that trap. If she was going to make the break, she wanted it to be clean. Decisive. Not cluttered with threats.

“You
do
plan to tell him?”

“Of course.” She could never be so cowardly as to move out while Jordan was at the office. Besides, the sorry truth was that she might be gone for days before he noticed.

Confronting him wasn’t a task she relished. She could predict his reaction—he’d be furious with her, more furious than she’d ever seen him. Jill was prepared for that. But in the end he would let her go as if she meant nothing to him. His pride would demand that.

“When do you plan to tell him?” Shelly asked softly,
seeming to understand for the first time Jill’s torment. A true sign of their friendship was that Shelly didn’t ply her with questions, but accepted Jill’s less-than-satisfactory explanation.

“Tonight.” She hadn’t packed yet, but she intended to do that when she got home.

Home.

The word echoed in her mind. Although the penthouse was so distinctly marked with Jordan’s personality, it did feel like home. She’d only lived there a short while, but in the lonely weeks following her honeymoon with Jordan, she’d become intimately acquainted with every room. She was going to miss the solace she gained from looking out over Puget Sound and the jagged peaks of the Olympics. And Mrs. Murphy had become a special friend, almost like a second mother, who fretted over her and worried about the long hours Jordan worked. Jill would miss her, too. Although Jill hadn’t mentioned it to the cook, she guessed that Mrs. Murphy wouldn’t be surprised.

“You’re sure this is what you want?” Shelly asked regretfully.

Leaving Jordan was the last thing Jill wanted. Yet it had to be done—and soon, before it was too late, before she found it impossible to go.

“Don’t answer that,” Shelly whispered. “The pain in your eyes says everything I need to know.”

Jill stood and searched in her purse for a tissue. The tears were rolling freely down her cheeks now. She had
to compose herself before she encountered Jordan. Had to draw on every bit of inner strength she possessed.

Shelly hugged her, and once again Jill was grateful for their friendship. They were as close as sisters, and Jill had never needed family more than she did right then.

The penthouse echoed with emptiness when she arrived home. Jill stood in the middle of the living room, then slowly moved around, skimming her hand over each piece of furniture. Her gaze gravitated toward the view, and she walked over to the window, staring into the night. Far below, lights flashed and glowed, but she was far removed from the brilliance. Far removed from the light…

Finally she entered the bedroom she shared with Jordan. Her breath came in shallow, painful gasps as she dragged out her suitcases and set them on the bed. Carefully, she folded her clothes and deposited them inside.

Several times she had to stop, clutching an article of clothing, crushing the fabric, until she composed herself enough to continue. Tears stung her eyes, but she refused to succumb to them.

“Jill?”

She froze. She hadn’t expected Jordan to come home for several hours yet. They’d barely seen one another all week.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

Pulling herself together, Jill turned to face him. Jordan stood on the other side of the room, his expression confused.

“My mother’s,” she eventually said.

“Is she ill?”

“No…” Drawing a deep breath, hoping it would calm her frantic heart, she forged ahead. “I’m leaving for a while. I—I need to sort out my feelings…make some important decisions.”

The fire that leapt into his eyes was filled with anger. “You plan to divorce me?” he demanded incredulously.

“No. For now, I’m just moving in with my mother.”

“Why?”

Jill could feel her own anger mounting. “That you even have to ask should be answer enough! Can’t you see what’s happening? Don’t you care? At this rate our marriage isn’t going to last another month.” She paused to gulp in a much-needed breath. “My instincts told me this would happen, but I was so much in love with you that I chose to ignore what was obvious from the first. You don’t need a wife. You never have. I don’t understand why you wanted to marry me because—”

“When did all this come on?”

“It’s been coming on, as you say, from the minute we got home from our honeymoon. Our marriage has to be one of the shortest on record. One week. That’s all the time you allotted to it. I need more than five minutes at the end of the day when you’re so exhausted you can hardly speak. I wish I was stronger, but I’m not. I need more from you than you can give me.”

“You might have said something to me earlier.”

“I did. A hundred times.”

“When?” he barked.

“I’m not going to get involved in a shouting match with you, Jordan. I won’t sit by and watch you work yourself to death over some stupid project. You’d said ages ago that it’d be finished in a week. I was foolish enough to believe you. If this project is so important to you that you’re willing to risk everything to keep it from folding, then fine, it’s all yours.”

“When did you tell me?” he asked a second time.

“Do you remember our conversation last night?” she asked starkly.

Jordan frowned, then shook his head.

“I didn’t think you had.”

The previous afternoon, Jill had been so lonely that she’d reached for the phone, planning to call Ralph to invite him to a movie. She’d nearly dialed his number before she remembered she was married. The incident had had a profound effect on her. She didn’t
feel
married. She felt abandoned. Forgotten. Unimportant. If she was going to live her life alone, she could accept that. But she wasn’t interested in a one-sided marriage.

This time apart would help her gain perspective, show her what she needed to do. Explaining it to Jordan was impossible. But in time, a week perhaps, she might be able to tell him all that was in her heart.

“What was it you said last night?” Jordan wanted to know, clearly confused.

Jill neatly folded a silk blouse and put it in the suitcase. “I told you how I almost called Ralph to ask him if he wanted to see a movie…and you laughed. Re
member? You found it humorous that your wife had forgotten she was a married woman. You didn’t bother to understand what had led me to the point of wanting to call an old boyfriend.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

“No, I suppose not. I’m sorry, Jordan. I wish I could explain it better. But as I already told you, I need more from our relationship than you can give me…”

“I’ve said this project would be settled soon. I’ll grant you it’s taking longer than I thought, but if you’d just be patient for a little while…Is that so much to ask? You’d think…” He hesitated, then jammed his hands in his pockets and marched across the room. “These past few weeks haven’t been a picnic for me, either. You’d think a wife would be willing to lend her husband some support, instead of using threats to bully him into doing what
she
wants.”

It didn’t surprise Jill that Jordan assumed her leaving was merely a ploy. He didn’t realize how serious she was.

“I can’t live like this. I just can’t!” she cried. “Not now, not ever. I want my children to know their father! My own was a shadow who passed through my life, and I couldn’t bear my children to suffer what I did.”

“This is a fine time for you to figure it all out,” Jordan growled, his hold on his frustration and anger obviously precarious.

“If I could go back and change everything, I would…I would.” Hurrying now, she closed her suitcases.

“Are you pregnant?” The question came at her like a bolt of lightning.

“No.”

“You’re sure?”

“Of course.”

A moment of silence followed as she collected her purse and a sweater.

“Nothing I can say is going to change your mind, is it?”

“No.” She took the handles of the two suitcases and pulled them off the bed. “If…if there’s any reason you need to get hold of me, I’ll be at my mother’s.”

Jordan stood there unmoving, his back toward her. “If you’re so set on leaving,” he said, “then just go.”

“Jill, sweetheart.” Her mother knocked lightly, then walked into the darkening bedroom. Jill sat on the padded window seat, her knees tucked under her chin, staring out the bay window to the oak-lined street below. Often as a child she’d sat there and reflected on her problems. But now her problems couldn’t be worked out by staring out her bedroom window or by pounding on a piano for an hour or two.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” She wasn’t ready to talk yet.

“I’ve made dinner,” Elaine said, her voice sympathetic. There was a radiance about her these days. Andrew Howard had called almost daily since Jill had been living with her mother, although he didn’t know about her separation from Jordan. Jill had sworn her mother
to secrecy. The last Jill had heard, Andrew planned to fly to the mainland early the next month so he and Elaine could spend some time together. Jill was delighted for her mother and for Andrew. Her own situation, though, was bleak.

“Thanks, Mom, but I’m not hungry.”

Her mother didn’t argue, but sat on the edge of the cushion and leaned forward to hug Jill. The unexpected display of affection moved Jill to tears.

“You haven’t eaten anything to speak of all week.”

“I’m fine, Mom.” Jill didn’t want her mother fussing over her just now, and she was grateful when Elaine seemed to realize it. Elaine lovingly stroked Jill’s hair, then got to her feet.

“If you need me…”

“I’m fine, Mom.”

Her mother hesitated. “Are you going back to him, Jill?”

Jill didn’t answer. Not because she didn’t want to, but because she didn’t know. She hadn’t heard from Jordan even once in the week she’d been gone. A concerned Shelly had dropped by twice, unobtrusively leaving the wedding dress, in its original mailing box, on Jill’s window seat. Even Ralph had called. But she hadn’t heard from Jordan.

She shouldn’t miss him this much. Shouldn’t feel so empty without him, so lost. Jill had hoped their time apart would clear her thoughts. It hadn’t. If anything, they were more confused than ever. Her mus
ings were like snagged fishing lines, impossible to untangle.

She hadn’t really expected him to get in touch with her, but she’d hoped. Foolishly hoped. Although if he had, Jill didn’t know how she would’ve reacted.

The doorbell chimed in the distance. A minute later Jill heard her mother talking with another woman. The voice wasn’t familiar and Jill pressed her forehead to her knees, suddenly weary. Part of her had wanted the visitor to be Jordan. Fool that she was, Jill prayed that he’d be willing to put aside his pride enough to come after her, to convince her they could make their marriage work. She ached for the sight of him. Obviously, though, any move would have to come from her. But Jill wasn’t ready. Not when her heart was in such turmoil.

“Jill?” Her mother knocked at her bedroom door again and opened it a crack. “There’s someone here to see you. A Suzi Lundquist. She says it’s important.”

“Suzi Lundquist?” Jill repeated incredulously.

“She’s waiting for you in the living room,” her mother said.

Jill hadn’t the slightest idea why Suzi would want to see her. Jordan had used her to ward off the younger woman’s affections. Perhaps Suzi still loved Jordan and intended to rekindle the fire. But in that case, she wasn’t likely to announce her plans to Jill.

After quickly changing her clothes, Jill went downstairs. Suzi was pacing the living room, her movements tense and agitated, when Jill appeared.

“I hope you’re happy.”

Jill blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

“He’s done it, you know, and it’s all because of you.”

“Done what?”

“Given up the fight.” Suzi was staring at her as though Jill was completely dense.

“I hate to seem ignorant, but I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re married to Jordan, aren’t you?”

“Yes.” They stood several feet apart from each other, like duelists preparing to choose their weapons.

“Jordan’s handed control of the firm to my father and brother,” Suzi said impatiently.

“Isn’t this rather sudden? When did all this happen?” Surely if Jordan was in a proxy fight, he would’ve said something to her. Surely he would have let her know. She’d only been away for a week. Nothing could have threatened his hold on the company in that short a time, could it?