The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (79 page)

     This was the being in her it was independent dependent being the being that has attacking as the natural way of winning in fighting or in loving but as I was saying the being in her never got into motion to carry on to anything as object in attacking, it just remained inside her as knocking together in her to be a confusion and a nervous being in her. She had in her as I was saying, independent dependent being, that was all the being there was in her. As I was saying attacking being was the natural way of winning fighting in her but attacking never came to be really an action carrying on to anything outside her.
     She was as I was saying in her young living not very interesting to any one who then knew her. She did not then, as I was saying tell very much to any one any feeling she had in her, really then nothing came to be in her clear inside her to tell any one if any one was there to listen to her. This was true of her mostly all her young living as I was saying.
     She was then as I was saying all her young living completely of them the people living near the Hersland family then, she was then not of the living of her father and her mother. As I was saying later in her young living she was very annoying to her father, she was not ready enough to be beginning and then there was confusion in her when he was changing to a new beginning and this was often like stubborn resistance and often then her father would begin to have in him very much impatient feeling and some anger. And always then Martha a little was beginning to be beginning and a little so then she had in her her own feeling and a good deal then she was afraid to hear him when he was beginning with her though always she felt it a little in her that it was really all impatient being in him and that he never would carry it through against her as anger the annoyed impatient angry feeling he had then toward her. As I was saying all this was mostly a trouble to her when the governess Madeleine Wyman was beginning to take charge of her. This was too annoying to be only confusing in her, what right had Miss Wyman to be forcing her, Martha, and resistance was then in Martha a thing having in her a clearer meaning than any time before in her living. Really Martha was afraid of Madeleine Wyman more in a way than she was of her father, Madeleine Wyman was a compacted power that kept going and always was there and there was not really any way of getting away from her when one was in the house with her. This was then the beginning of more concentrated consciousness of feeling in Martha this experience with Madeleine Wyman. This did not last a long time as I was saying earlier. Madeleine Wyman came soon to be only of the living of Mr. and Mrs. Hersland, not at all of the three Hersland children. Always she was sometimes troublesome to them but more and more as I was saying she was only of the living of Mr. and Mrs. Hersland and not at all of the three Hersland children. Always as I was saying she was troublesome to them then and later in their living and there will be later more history written of the feeling about her in each one of the three of them. Now there is to be a little description of Martha Hersland and what she knew and saw and heard in her younger living.
     As I was saying in her younger living she was not really ever very interesting to any one knowing her then. As I was saying all the living there was really in her then was of the living of the children and the sisters and the brothers and the fathers and the mothers of the children that she was knowing then. The Hersland family living was not really important then as living for her being then. As I was saying all the active living really in her, in her younger living, was the living of the people living in small houses, the people who-were as I was saying half poor city people half poor country people in their living and their feeling.
     These were then the ones that gave to her living in her younger living all the meaning living had in her then.
     As I was saying these children, these people, had in them all of them the feeling of city living and the feeling of country living. Martha Hersland in her younger living was completely of them as I was saying. Martha Hersland had then in her young living the kind of feeling about living that they had in them. There was as I was saying always the difference of her having a different kind of father and mother and way of living from any of them but that was not there in her feeling and was not there in their thinking, it did however make a difference in her understanding of things that happened among them. As I was saying in her very young living and then a little later in her young living she was completely of them the people living in the small houses there then there where there were no rich people living excepting the Hersland family as I was saying. She was completely of them, of their living, of their way of feeling living in her later younger living and yet already as I was saying there could be in her a little less really being of them even than there had been because already then future living was important in the present living of all of them and her future living was a different thing from their future living. As I was saying she had not been so very interesting to any one in her younger living, to any one of them. As I was saying there would be in them a little beginning with her too in quarrelling one little boy as I was saying tried a little in loving, in things they should not be doing and really she was not resisting but it could not come to anything for there was not in her anything really active inside her then, she was really not even so important to them then any of them than when she had been a very little one but really as I have been saying she never really was interesting to any one in her younger living.
     As I was saying in her later younger living she was completely with them and yet then she was the most cut off from them for then future living was beginning to count in the being and feeling and doing of all of them and always her future living more and more certainly was a different thing from that of those she was knowing then. She was then not really then very interesting really to any of them then.
     She was completely with them then in her daily living then, then in her later younger living. She was always with them then, then in her later younger living, she would be with them whatever they were doing when she was not at home studying in some one of the ways her father then was thinking was important for her to be doing.
     She was with them then, in the day-time, in the evening, all the time she was with them, the people living in small houses near them. Some of the girls and some of the boys had already commenced to be working. I was saying that there was one family living in a small house near the Hersland family then of a mother a foreign woman who was father wooden, and a father who was not important to any one, and three daughters who each one sometime came to have real beauty in them. It was the second one of them whom Martha knew very well in the later part of her young living. She had not come yet to have beauty in her this one, she was just beginning to work out to learn dress-making. The older one who was working in the city somewhere had come to have her beauty and there were queer things one heard then about her of her marrying a rich man, a man whose family made much money making chocolate and every one had heard of them from eating the chocolate they were making and the name sounded very Italian and somehow every one knew though no one of them had ever seen him that he was a handsome fierce looking black-moustached man and a very rich one. None of the family of this girl ever said anything, Martha Hersland did not know really where she heard all about the oldest girl for when she thought it over she knew no one had told her. It came to be in her then like something she had dreamed about some one and so it had all of it no real meaning for her. She knew dimly that all of them the three Banks boys one of whom was learning telegraphing, one of whom was learning shoemaking, the other learning nothing and perhaps sometimes stealing something, she knew they knew the three girls and said things to them that Martha was never really hearing but as I was saying Martha was not really interesting then to any one and inside, her feeling was not active to be to herself or to any one a thing possibly having then any expression. The young Rodman boy was to her a little more an active awakening because he said things to make her be understanding. There were two of them, the eldest a big lumbering fellow and this young one who made fun of her whenever he saw her and he just annoyed her and that was not really very active then in her. She was, as I was saying, of them, she was always with them, all of them, she heard them talking, she knew what they were doing, she would listen to the mothers and the fathers of them talking, she had no other notion of living than that she saw and heard and felt and had when she was with them and always her future would be a different one and so she was not then understanding what all of them were living for to her her future living was unknown and so she had no present living, with all of them then it was a different thing, their present living was their future living and so she was not really ever then of them.
     As I was saying Martha was not then really interesting to any one. As I was saying feeling was then in her not very clear to herself or to any one. As I was saying she was annoying then to her father by her not making very good beginnings and not being as he put it really thorough in anything. No one of his children ever were to him in their younger living really thorough in anything. The other two were interested in resisting beginning or in beginning, he had not any such a satisfaction, as I was saying, with his daughter and she was then in her later younger living annoying to him. He wanted her to learn housekeeping then and to him it was a good thing for her to be with them the poorer people living near them so she could do what all those other girls she knew could do as to cooking and dress-making and of course Martha could not really do them and sometimes then he asked her to do some such thing and then of course she could not do it for him and then he would be full up with impatient feeling that she could not do that thing, that always she was not as he put it ever thorough in anything. And always all this time she was studying in one way or another, with tutors or a teacher from the school near her and sometimes by herself and then there came to be a change in her and for her. Always her mother was not very close to her. The mother was there always for all of her children but this was for Martha only when she was a little sick or for dressing or for an occasional visiting. This was the time when Mrs. Hersland was having in her her most important feeling of herself inside her as I was saying. So Martha was not then really very interesting to any one. Martha always was a whole one as I was saying. Martha was not then really very interesting to any one.
     There will be much description of the feeling her brothers had about their sister in the long histories that will be written later of the two of them. There will be very much written of the feeling the father Mr. Hersland had about her in the history to be written later of the ending of the being in him. There will never be very much written of the feeling that the mother had about her. Always then, as I was saying, to each one she was a whole one. There has been now a little written of how those who knew her when she was a young one, felt her. As I was saying mostly she was not really very interesting to any one. As I was saying she was then not very interesting to any one who then knew her. The servants and the governesses excepting perhaps a little Madeleine Wyman when she was trying to carry out on her the theories of education Mr. Hersland always was explaining then to her had not very individual feeling about her. She was one of the Hersland family to them. Some of her teachers at the school where Martha got her American education had a little more feeling about her. Some of them almost were nearly interested in her. She could have a kind of earnestness in her, it never came really to be there in her in her young living and to some of her teachers then it was that she had a stupid way of being resisting, of being obstinate in her, but as I was saying sometimes a little one of them almost would be interested in her particularly after a governess or her father had been there to talk about her, to explain about her, to arrange about, her. So then as I was saying Martha Hersland in her younger living was not really very interesting to any one who then knew her.
     Martha Hersland as I was saying was always a whole one. Martha as I was saying was of the independent dependent kind of them. The being in Martha as I was saying was mostly always just in a state of being in confusion. There was as I was saying in Martha very much nervous being accompanying the confusion in her being whenever the being in her was in motion. Mostly always the being in her was in this kind of a confusion. As I was saying Martha was of the independent dependent kind of them. This is now again a little a description of the being in her.
     Martha was as I was saying of the independent dependent kind of men and women. Martha was one of this kind of them and had it as being to have this kind of being all of it that was in her of the same degree of concentration, that is to say that there was no part of the being in her more accented, more effective in her than another part of the being in her. That is to say it was like this in her. The one that I was describing and that was a whole one only ever by the skin of her holding her together there might be one who might be like her and so then this one though still of the independent dependent kind of them would have this being with different accents different meanings in different parts of the being that was this one. Some have all kinds of combinations of kinds in them and some as I was saying have even another kind of substance mixed up with them, the dependent independent kind of being as we were saying. Now Martha Hersland as I said in the beginning of this description of the being in her was like the one that I was describing that was all independent dependent being in solution and in so fluid a condition that this being is only made an individual one by the skin separating it from flowing over everything near it to lose itself in everything and not have individual existing, Martha Hersland then as I was saying was like this one only Martha was a little more solid and there was a little more solidity to her but as I was saying there was not much more really effective movement to her. The other one the first one I was describing when substance that was all of her was set in motion mostly it just sort of bobbled up and down in her it was not active enough to give any onward attacking motion to the whole of her that was made by the skin of her holding her together and so there never came to be real attacking in her indeed as I was saying it was to most every one seeing her, this one, as if she had resisting being in her for the substance of her was a heavy slightly sticky one as I was saying and though attacking being was the way of active being in her it came to it that she was really resisting because she never got to anything more than a little bobbing motion and this one was so an obstruction; always of course there was a slight attacking action to her for that was the nature of the being in her but to every one feeling her it was resisting, stupid being, obstinacy of a dull kind in her, and that was the being in her. Now Martha Hersland as I was saying was like this one only a little more solid and so when there was a strong emotion to give motion to her there could be more real attacking being in her than there ever could be in the one I was just describing. As I was saying Martha had as being a substance solid enough so that Martha's skin so to speak was part of the substance of her, she was a whole one then more than just by being held together by a skin as was the case in the other. Martha then had a little more real attacking movement in her than the other one I was describing who in mixture of being was just like her. Martha had not really very much forward attacking motion in her. Mostly in her too it was a confused interaction and made a confused being in her that was to many knowing her stupid being in her. This was in her to many knowing her like resisting being in her but as I was saying she had not really in her resisting being as a way of winning, as a way of fighting, as a way of loving, as I was saying confused being that was resisting being in her to many knowing her was stupid being in her, was failure in her.