The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (76 page)

     When she was a very little one sometimes she wanted not to be existing. This is a very common thing in every one in the beginning of their living. This is a very common thing in mostly every one in the beginning of their living. Many want then not any longer to be existing, mostly then when they are very little ones they are never thinking I wish I had never come into existing, they have not then any such a feeling, they often say then I wish I had died when I was a little baby and had not any feeling, I would not then have to be always suffering, I would not then now have to think of being frightened by dying, I wish I had been dead when I was a very little one and was not knowing anything. It is very interesting the way anybody feels about dying, about not existing, about everything, about every one. Always more and more this is very interesting.
     There are ways then that those having in them independent dependent being feel about living, feel about dying, feel about never having been, if they have any of such a kind of feeling in them, that is common to all of them as being different from the way those having in them dependent independent being have of feeling.
     More and more there will be understanding of these different ways of feeling their own being, feeling anybody else's being, feeling the ending of themselves and the ending of any one, feel their not existing, that makes one kind in men and women, makes that kind different from other kinds of them. There will then be a very little always being made that slowly will make a great deal of description of the feelings in each kind in men and women about everything.
     As I was saying Martha was of the independent dependent kind of them. As I was saying it is hard to know the kind of being in any one from just a description of some thoughts, some feelings, some actions in them for it is in their feeling of themselves inside them that the kind of being in them shows in them and that comes out of them slowly in their living, that comes out of them always as repeating, this is very very difficult to make any one understand from a description of them. This is now what I am always trying. I know much of all this and sometime sometimes I can make some one else know it by my explaining, I am never very certain but always there is again and again for me a beginning of this trying.
     As I was saying many little ones have a feeling about not wanting any more to be living, some want to have been dead when they were little babies and not knowing anything, some want to be dead then so that every one will miss them, some want to prove themselves all noble by dying, some are just tired of struggling when they are little ones, there are such ones, and some of such of them have independent dependent being that does not succeed then in winning fighting by attacking. Martha was a little such a one, and more and more this will show in all her living. Always there was in her much attacking, mostly there was in her nervous feeling, mostly there was in her not much winning, early then she had at moments tired feeling. Never did she know that really she was failing in attacking, always she had in her nervous feeling showing that she had been failing to every one, it was not excitement or weakness or yielding or escaping or blustering as it is in some, some who have independent dependent being and are failing in attacking, in some who have dependent independent being and yet always are attacking though attacking is not for them the way of winning fighting, but in Martha Hersland all of her being was independent dependent being, attacking was her way of winning fighting, mostly she was never winning mostly she did not really know this in her, she had nervous feeling in her that showed the failure in the fighting she was doing, all this will be clearer when there will have been completely given the feeling every one who ever came to know her at any time in her living had about her.
     Always Martha was a whole one, she had only this one kind of being. She always was a whole one, all her living she was repeating the whole being, the kind of being that was the whole being of her, mostly all her living she was a whole one, to herself, to every one. There was in her always one kind of independent dependent being as I was saying and it was mostly all always completely there to every one, the whole being in her to every one who ever knew her, always there then to every one, when she was a baby or a little one, or a young girl or a young woman, or a woman in her middle living, or in her ending. Mostly then always she really was a whole one. Mostly then always every one who knew her had about her such a feeling. This will come clearer in the history of her.
     She was as I was saying of one kind of independent dependent being and all her living there was about the same concentration to her, the same relation of attacking and succeeding and failing and nervous feeling and stupid being and understanding and tired feeling in her. Martha was then once a very little one, a baby, and then a little one and then a young girl and then a woman and then she was older and then later there was an ending to her and always all through this living in her she was the same whole one inside her and to every one who knew her.
     In some the nature in them is clearer when they are very young, in some when they are young, in some when they are not so young, in some when they are getting older, in some when they are old ones. Martha was mostly always to every one who knew her the same whole one, when she was a little one, a very little one, an older one, a very old one, mostly always then she was to every one about the same kind of a whole one. She was of one kind of that kind of them and mostly all her living there was the same concentration of the being that was her, the same proportion of one thing to the other things active in her.
     As I was saying those having in them independent dependent being have in them attacking as their natural way of winning fighting, as their natural way of winning in loving. As I was saying those having in them dependent independent being have in them resisting as their natural way of winning fighting, have resisting as their natural way of winning in loving. This then is the being in those having in them independent dependent being, this then is the being in those having in them dependent independent being. These then are the two different ways of being in men and women and always this, one way or the other way of being, always then one way or the other way of being, independent dependent being or dependent independent being is in each one, every one who ever was or is or will be living.
     Often it is very confusing for as I was saying sometimes, very often, one having in her or in him independent dependent being, that is having attacking as their real way of winning fighting, winning in loving, such a one seems really to be always resisting. This then the kind of being in some one is sometimes, is one might say truly very often, very confusing, for one, having in them really as being attacking as the way of winning fighting, as the way of winning loving, always sometimes every minute in their living to themselves and to every one knowing them seems to be resisting, seems to be so fighting and winning, so loving and winning. This is then very confusing to every one knowing that one. Slowly then the real fighting being, the real loving being in that one comes to be understood by some one, sometimes not really by any one, mostly in every one, sometime by some one. This is true then of very many having in them independent dependent being, that is those having in them attacking as their real way of winning fighting, attacking as their real way of winning loving, it is true in many of them that to themselves mostly, and mostly to every one ever knowing them, they have in them resisting as their way of winning fighting, resisting as their way of winning in loving. In those having in them dependent independent being that is those having in them resisting as their real way of winning fighting, resisting as their real way of winning in loving, there are very many of them who seem to themselves sometimes and mostly always to every one ever knowing them seem to be always and incessantly attacking, seem to be always winning by attacking in fighting and in loving. Sometime it comes out of them that they are not really winning, more and more perhaps it comes out of them that always attacking they are never really winning, sometimes sometime some one will know it of them that attacking is not in such of them the way of winning fighting, winning loving, in some sometime every one who knows them knows it sometime of them, that attacking is not in them the way of winning fighting, the way of winning loving. It is very confusing for every one realising this description must be really understanding that failing does not prove it to be true of some one that attacking is not the real way of winning fighting for one doing their fighting by attacking. Many having in them attacking as their natural way of winning fighting fail to succeed to winning by attacking, fail to succeed in loving by attacking. They may fail then those having in them such being, they may even succeed by resisting those having in them attacking as their way of winning and yet these then are of the kind of them having attacking as their natural way of winning fighting, as their natural way of winning loving, are in short of the independent dependent kind of them. Of those having in them resisting as their natural way of winning fighting they are often for a long time to every one, to themselves then and they are bragging of it and they have it in them to themselves and to every one that they are always succeeding by attacking, and sometimes they are really never failing, to themselves and to others who know them and yet always to some one knowing the whole sum of them the whole completeness of their living some one can know it in them that attacking is not in them their real way of winning fighting, of succeeding in being loved and in loving. So then as I was saying it is very confusing and sometimes one only knows really the kind of being in some by the kind of yielding in them, the kind of sensitiveness in them for there is in each kind of being, in independent dependent being, in dependent independent being a kind of way of yielding, a kind of way of being dependent, a kind of way of having sensitiveness in them that makes that kind of them. There is then in independent dependent being a kind of way of yielding, of having sensitive being that is different from the kind of way of yielding of having sensitive being in dependent independent kinds in men and women. There is a kind of way of yielding, of being dependent, of having sensitive being in those having in them dependent independent being that is different from the kind of way of yielding, of having dependent being, of having sensitive being in those having in them any of the kinds of independent dependent being. In short there is one way of having dependent being, of yielding, of sensitiveness, of having stupid being, of having feeling about objects, about practical living that goes with having attacking as the natural way of winning fighting of winning loving, of winning anything and there is another whole system of being that is very different from this, a way of yielding, a way of having sensitiveness in being, a way of seeing and feeling everything in living, a way of choosing a way of reacting to everything that goes with having it as being, the winning fighting by resisting as the real way of being, the winning anything in living, loving and everything by resisting. So then sometimes there will be much very much description of the way of yielding in each one having in them one or the other of these two kinds of being, independent dependent, dependent independent, that is of everyone, of all men, of all women.
     As I was saying the one I was describing that had all independent dependent being in solution, this one had as all of those having independent dependent being in them have it as being, this one had attacking as the natural way of winning anything. This one as I was saying had all the being in a flabby kind of state that made this one when this one was attacking made all the being in this one then when the being in this one was in motion made it that the being in this one, all the being of this one, was then when attacking just in a state of motion and so to any one feeling this one this one would seem to have resisting being as the natural way of acting for the movement of the whole being in this one, this one being then in a state of attacking really was then to every one knowing this one in this state of action, for it was so slow the moving of the whole being that made this one, that any one coming in contact with this one then or any such a one, sticking so to speak in the mass of this when meeting this one would think of this one as resisting but this was not true of this one then or of any of such of them that have independent dependent being in solution in them, it is stupid being in them that wobbling in them that is their moving that is so slow and uncertain that to any one knowing them, feeling them, seeing them it is not in them as attacking moving activity in them but attacking that is the being in this one and in the others like this one having in them each one independent dependent being. And so then often this kind of a one is from the spreading of the being in that one always then slower and slower in moving in the attacking activity of such a one, and very very often with such a one the attacking never coming to real action as a using of the energy generated in the attacking feeling in independent dependent being of such a kind of one, makes such a kind of one a nervous kind of being and this is then the way independent dependent being can in some be very confusing for attacking does not seem to be the way of active being of them and so it takes much knowing of the being in men and women to realise the action in them. This one then the one I was describing had then independent dependent being but attacking never came to really be ever an action and so this one was to many very resisting, stubborn in resisting and this was only because attacking being in this one never came to be anything more than the whole mass of being that was this one being just moving. As I was saying before, this one that I was describing was the least possible concentration, the most diffuse possible kind of existing of independent dependent being. As I was saying this one a little more concentrated was what made the being of Martha Hersland, Martha who is now soon to be a complete one to every one reading this description. As I was saying the one I have been just describing had with this attacking always much nervous being. As I was saying this one I was describing being made a little into something having a little more concentration would be the being I am now beginning describing. As I was saying the one I was describing was of the independent dependent kind of them, this was the being too that Martha Hersland had in her. The one I was describing had independent dependent being in its weakest concentration, Martha Hersland had independent dependent being in a state of a little more concentration. As I was saying all her living the first one I was describing was a whole one, always a complete one to herself and to every one, this then as I was saying, being always a whole one to herself and every one all through her living was a thing every one will know soon in Martha Hersland. The first one then I was describing was of the independent dependent kind of them that is one having attacking as the natural way of winning fighting, this is the being, the independent dependent being, is the being that is in Martha Hersland, the one I am now again beginning describing, the oldest of the three of them, the three Hersland children.