The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (112 page)

     He knew a number then in these days of his early Bridgepoint living but mostly not any of them were later in his living, those who were later in his living were some that I will be later describing. In the beginning living he was interesting to some as realising musical meaning, and mostly then he was pleasantly young and quite tall and always giving romantically scientifically restrained superior information and playing the violin not very well but always able then to be directing the one playing with him. There were then women and men who liked him, not enough to make it very different in him from those he had been loving in his early living, but he was a little older now and soon he was quite a good deal older and he had been really loving then and he had been assisted in not loving by his aunt Hilda Hissen who did this very nicely for him to herself then and to him and he was ready then soon to be one who was one to be impressive to Julia Dehning as I was very long ago saying. This then was the beginning of middle living in Alfred Hersland. David Hersland his brother came to Bridgepoint then, he found some letters that Alfred had forgotten that the girl had written to him and David made fun of Alfred then and soon then Alfred was loving Julia Dehning and this was to David as to Alfred too a serious thing this living and then this marrying by Alfred of Julia Dehning. This was then the complete beginning of middle living in Alfred Hersland.
     I wish every one knew every one and liked having me telling them about the being that each one has in them about the kind of one each one is of men and women. It would be a very complete thing in my feeling to be having complete lists of every body ever living and to be realising each one and to be making diagrams of them and lists of them and explaining the being in each one and the relation of that being to other beings in other men and other women and to go on then explaining and realising and knowing the complete being in each one and all the kinds there are in men and women. Not many find it interesting this way I am realising every one, not any I am just now hearing, and it is so completely an important thing, it is a complete thing in understanding, I am going on writing, I am going on now with a description of all whom Alfred Hersland came to know in his living. Mostly no one will be wanting to listen. I am certain. I am important inside me and not any one really is listening to me. I am wishing every one knew every one and wanted to have me make diagrams of all the kinds there are of men and women and the place in this diagram of each one. It would be very contenting to me and I am now not beginning again but going on with my explaining and describing and realising and knowing and being certain.
     I see so many who I am very certain will not be at all interested in my being certain that each one is himself inside him, that each one is of a kind in men and women, that I can make a diagram now including a very considerable number of kinds in men and women and that sometime I will be able to explain the being in each one and make a scheme of relations in kinds of being with each one having in them the way of eating, thinking, feeling, working, drinking, loving, beginning and ending, feeling things as being existing of their kind of being, with sensitivenesses and suddenesses and impatient and patient and dependent and independent being of their kind of them and succeeding and failing of their kind of them and I will be able to make groups of them and it will be such an interesting and such an important thing in my feeling, in my being, and I will be making groups of them of each kind of them with some of each kind of them succeeding some failing some in between succeeding and failing, some having more of something of their kind of them in them than other things of their kind of them and each one then I am ever knowing comes sometime then to be such a clear one to my feeling and I could want to have every one know every one so that each one could see the meaning of my explanation and always I am certain that so very many I am always knowing are not wanting to completely listen to me in my explaining and many are not understanding that they must be hearing me completely and they are not doing this thing and here I am and I am certain, at least I am mostly always certain and yet always I am of the dependent independent kind of them and always in me there is quite a good deal always of dependent despairing and always I am knowing and always I will be knowing always now I am certain that mostly those I am knowing do not want, cannot be completely listening and it is such a complete being in me and I am important that is certain and here I am full up now with knowing that mostly those to whom I am explaining are not completely hearing.
     Alfred Hersland was in Bridgepoint doing in the beginning very pleasant living. He was not remembering then very much of his Gossols living, and then he was not remembering very much his pleasant tender feeling in the pleasant living he had in him with the Hissen men and women and young men and women and the young men and women that knew the young Hissen men and women. He always had a little remembering in him of wanting to be marrying the one he did not marry then and always he remembered his aunt the aunt who had married a Hissen man, who had slowly shown him that this one whom he wanted then to be marrying was not one to have him. He remembered this very well, he did not remember much about the Hersland aunt who interfered with him. Alfred Hersland was a little not very good at remembering but he remembered more or less about wanting to have married one then although he never later wanted that, he had married this one. He did want for quite some time very completely certainly to marry this one and this one certainly then wanted to be married to him but he did not marry this one.
     When Alfred Hersland came first to know Julia Dehning he was not remembering any longer very much in him any of the early Bridgepoint living that he had had in him. He was remembering as I was saying sometimes then that he had really wanted to marry one and he remembered then that he had been living in Gossols when he had been a very young one. This was mostly all his remembering then. He was then not really knowing any he had been knowing when he was beginning Bridgepoint living. His Hersland aunt was then connected with him. She knew Mrs. Dehning. The Hissens were not then connected in him with him, not that he had ever had any quarrel with them but always in living in mostly every one there is a keeping going that keeps making different ones come to be connected in them with them and now then as I was saying Alfred Hersland was coming to know Julia Dehning. As I was saying there was not then in him really any family Gossols living, really not any Hissen Bridgepoint living. The loving that I said he had in him when he wanted to be marrying and earning a living in some business so he could be married without waiting that lasted about two years before it was completely ended in him and then there was about a year and a half in him and then he came to know Julia Dehning.
     There are then resisting and attacking kinds in men and women. Alfred Hersland is of the resisting kind of them, Julia Dehning of the attacking kind of them. The resisting kind as I have been saying and having not been yet complete in telling, the resisting kind of them are naturally and ultimately completely certain that things have really ordinarily materially existing being, they are existing, they are in relation, they have quality as beauty and smells and use and perhaps purpose and perhaps many other kinds of meaning but always then for the resisting kind of them they are really existing, having existing like any dirt in any field or in any road or any place or any garden. These then are of the resisting kind of them and these then have the ways of thinking and feeling eating, drinking and loving and curiosity and obstinacy and beginning and ending and being dead and being living and working and resting and hoping and not hoping for anything in a way characteristic of this resisting kind of them. Now this is certainly true of them and at the same time what with engulfing being in them and misplaced parts in them and attenuation in them and delicacy in them in being so that they are reversing and dependent timid being in them and aspiring being in them, the being in them gets so complicated in them sometimes too when they have dramatic being in them and aggressive self-defensive being in them, all this can so confuse kind of being in them that even when they have not any attacking being in them as a good many have it in them it is very perplexing even to me when I have been looking such a very long time at one of them. For instance there are a kind of them that are really completely certain that to be dead is not to be really a dead one, that nothing is really existing, these are certain that nothing is existing except everything, they are completely certain that everything is existing, they are of the resisting kind of them they must be certain that things are existing, and they make everything existing and so lose out of existing anything. They lose themselves and everything in being certain that everything is really existing completely simply existing, that is resisting being haying mysticism, this is quite common. This is a very complete religious kind of being and these are of the resisting kind of them. I am just mentioning this thing to show that resisting being can be very confusing to be understanding.
     Those having in them attacking being the attacking kind of them can have mysticism in them that is very certain. Sometime I will tell all I ever can know about these things. Those having attacking being as mysticism lose themselves in attacking complete emotion, anybody can see how different this is from the way resisting kind of them have mysticism in them. The attacking kind in men and women feel and need and see and use relations between things as coming to them as ultimately realisation more completely even than things being existing. These then can have as I am fond of saying but am now a little tired of repeating emotion having poignancy like a sensation. This is the characteristic then of attacking being, that being in relation is more completely to them of things than things being existing. This makes them attacking as anybody can see by understanding. This is attacking being then. Julia Dehning was of the attacking kind in men and women. This is now to be a history of Julia Dehning and those Julia knew in living and of her marrying Alfred Hersland and of every thing.
      
      
     Some have very pleasant living when they are very young men and women, some have anything but pleasant living in them then. Very many have quite pleasant living in them then and when they are writing it then in diaries and letters to themselves and others there is not very much pleasant living in them then. It is a pretty difficult thing to be remembering, in a way ever to be certain about whether one is having, has been having pleasant living. It is quite a difficult thing to know it in them to know it of them quite young men and quite young women whether they are whether they were having pleasant living A very considerable number of very young men and women are not having very pleasant living in them. It is very difficult to know it inside in one in remembering or in living whether one is having then pleasant living. Pleasant living is a very difficult thing about which to be certain. A great many are thinking that mostly every one is having pleasant enough living, a great many are thinking that not any one is really having pleasant living, a great many are thinking that some are having pleasant living. A good many are thinking every one should have pleasant living in them. A certain number are thinking every one could have pleasant living in them, I find it quite puzzling to be certain about any one whether they are having pleasant living in them. As I was saying Alfred Hersland in his early Bridgepoint living had quite completely pleasant living. I am almost certain. Later then living was exciting and interesting and gay and varied and absorbing and perplexing and sometimes disconcerting and sometimes uneasy in him but it was never again I am thinking quite so pleasant in him. Perhaps it was pleasant in him in his later living, it is very hard to be certain about any one about pleasant living in them, a very difficult thing indeed to be certain about this in any one at any time in the living any one has in them. Certainly his early Bridgepoint living was pleasant in him. This is quite reasonably certain. Later he was not remembering this early pleasant Bridgepoint living. It was not important in him. Really nothing was important in him until his first loving. He had always had his own being in him, that in a way was important inside him, not anything was really important to him until he wanted to stop studying to be marrying. It was his wanting to stop studying to be marrying and his then slowly not wanting that this one should have him that was important to him. He soon was forgetting his loving this one, he never was really forgetting having been wanting stopping studying and beginning working at anything so that he could be married then. He never really forgot stopping wanting to be married to this one. Not that that was really very exciting but it was important to him, more important than anything that he ever had had in his living. Later then he was older and was beginning to know Julia Dehning.
     He always had his own being in him, he was always himself inside him. This always was in him. Sometimes he was himself to himself inside him, sometimes he was not so much himself to himself inside him. Mostly everything any one says about any one, that one says about that one in a way is a true thing.
     He always was himself inside him. He was not ever really knowing what could and what could not come out of him. Very many are not ever really knowing what will and what will not come out of them. Each one is himself inside him, is herself inside her that is certain. Very many are not knowing what is in them to really come out of them. Very many are not ever coming to know of them what is in them to come out of them, many who in a way do know something of the being that is them. This is a peculiar thing. Watching carefully repeating in each one, one can come then to know of each one what is in them each one to come out of them, many men can be certain of themselves that something else will not then come out of them, some one else can be certain about them that not any really different thing, different way of doing anything will come out of them, these can not ever come to be really realising of themselves inside them that something more completely so that it is different will not be coming out of them. This is very common.