The Lie of You: I Will Have What Is Mine (30 page)

‘And Markus isn’t? I know, but Billy is everything to us.’

‘Of course he is. Perhaps it has been difficult for you both though?’

I was starting to feel uncomfortable now.

‘Yes,’ I said shortly. ‘It’s not been easy.’

He looked at me silently, waiting for more.

‘It’s not been easy. We both want it to work, though, and it was OK, it was good, until she came into our lives.’

‘You said just now that Heja has only ever loved Markus.’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you also believe that Markus only ever loved Heja?’

I looked down at my hands in my lap and at my scrunched wet Kleenex and I felt vulnerable and shaky. I hadn’t expected this, that he would make me feel so exposed.

‘I don’t know,’ I said finally.

‘Well, I think that Heja is very possessive in her attachments,’ he said.

‘Intensely possessive; Markus said that she never let go.’

‘She will think Markus still belongs to her. She hoped she could get back with him. Then she finds he has a son he adores. She thinks if she takes his son he will come to her. So the last thing she would do is hurt Billy.’

I sat and thought about what he’d said and it sounded almost reasonable. Then I remembered that we were dealing with Heja and she did not behave like other people did. And I remembered Markus’s fears about provoking her, and he was the person who knew her best of all.

‘It’s deranged, what she’s done. Markus is beside himself. He can’t forgive her for this.’

‘It
is
deranged behaviour, and I think that’s because Heja is afraid.’

‘
She
’s afraid? What’s she afraid of?’

‘I suspect she may be ill.’

‘How ill?’

‘Very ill, I think; possibly terminally ill...’

It was a shocking moment. My terror, which I had thought could not be any greater, exploded.

‘You’re saying she’s dying?’

‘I think she is very ill.’

‘Then don’t you see? She has nothing to lose. Oh, God, she is going to kill Billy!’

‘No, Kathy. It doesn’t work like that. Heja is someone who has to be in control of her life. This will be her cry for help.’

‘Cry for help! The clock’s ticking on my son’s life and you sit there defending his kidnapper...’

‘Kathy...’

‘You’re like the rest of them,’ I shrieked, ‘always trying to protect her. Never once seeing her for the monster she is.’

He just looked at me.

‘What
is
it about her?’

I slammed out of his room.

OCTOBER

The phone box worked and a woman put me through to him.

‘Thank God you called. You’ve got Billy?’

‘I’ve got Billy. He’s safe.’

‘What the fuck are you doing, taking my son?’

‘Don’t shout at me, Markus.’

‘Where’s Billy? Where are you?’

‘Stop shouting or I’ll hang up.’

‘I’m going out of my mind. Is Billy OK?’

‘Billy is fine, just fine. I need you, Markus.’

‘Tell me where you are.’

‘I need you. I’m dying.’

‘What...?’

‘I am dying. I have what Tanya had and I will be dead soon and I had to tell you and I’m going now...’

‘
No!
Wait, Heja.
Wait!
Are you still there?’

‘Yes.’

‘How
can
you be dying?’

‘My muscles are wasting away.’

‘But you were OK when I saw you.’

‘I wasn’t. I’ve got a terminal muscle-wasting disease. It’s in my genes, Markus, the precious Vanheinen genes...’

‘How long have you known this?’

‘I found out just after you left me.’

‘No...’

‘Yes... And no one else knows.’

He was silent for a moment.

‘That’s why you came to London?’

‘Yes. I needed to see you again before I died, and while I could still move.’

Then there was silence again and I think he was crying.

‘Where are you? I’ll come at once. The police are after you.’

‘I know they are. I can’t tell you Markus. You told me you couldn’t see me again...’

‘I didn’t mean it. Tell me, Heja. Please...’

‘You will just tell the police and—’

‘
No!
I give you my word. I’ll come at once and I’ll help you. Please, Heja, it has only ever been you.’

‘You’re just saying that because you want Billy.’

‘I want Billy, and you too. I have been so lonely in this marriage. Tell me where you are, Heja. I won’t betray you. You know I won’t. You have my word.’

I wondered then if Tanya had had a great love in her life. I never knew of anyone. I hope she did. It is the most important thing to have loved someone deeply.

‘If you are lying to me, I will kill myself and Billy,’ I said.

I told him where we were because Markus does not lie. He was the truest man I ever knew. I told him to come to the lifeboat station on Deal seafront and I would meet him there. He said it would take him at least two hours to reach Deal. I drove back to the cottage.

The world was receding. The world mattered to me once. Markus was right when he said that I cared about my job and my celebrity and that the way I embraced the world of the media had come between us. I talked about this with Arvo Talvela, after Markus had left me and I knew I was ill. I told him that my work had been an issue between us. He asked me if I felt that Markus had resented my success. No, I told him, I didn’t think so because Markus never valued material success in that way. It was more that he made me feel shallow for being a successful media star. Arvo said that must have felt like a rejection. And it did because I liked my work. Then he asked me what it was I liked about the job and I remember our exchange so well.

‘I like feeling at the centre of things. Working in a newsroom, you get to know what is happening before other people do. And, yes, I do like the recognition too. The adulation, as Markus once described it!’

He said, ‘Like it? Or need it? Perhaps television is like the light in a mother’s eyes.’

I was puzzled and he repeated the phrase.

‘You are drawn to television because it is like the light in a mother’s eyes.’ I thought about that for a few minutes. He knew that my mother’s eyes never lit up when she looked at me.

OCTOBER

When I got out on to the street I was dizzy with panic. I saw a taxi and hailed it, knowing that I had to see Nick straight away and tell him what Robert had said. Was he right and could Heja be dying? I told the driver to take me to Marylebone police station. So Markus had been right about the photographs all along and we had to stop them at once. She was mad and she was ill and she had my baby and if she saw her picture and heard her name on television it could tip her over the edge.

And yet Robert continued to defend her. Cry for help! They are all fascinated by her – Markus, Robert, Philip Parr.

We arrived at the police station and I called Nick from my mobile, saying I was in Reception and needed to see him at once. His assistant came down and led me up to his office. I was trembling, on the edge of hysteria.

As soon as his door opened and Nick was greeting me I said frantically, ‘We can’t put the photographs out! We mustn’t! I’ve just seen Robert. He thinks Heja is dying.’

There was a flash of concern in Nick’s eyes. ‘Slowly now; what exactly did Robert say?’

‘Have the photos gone out?’

‘Not yet.’

‘Thank God!’ I shuddered with relief.

‘Sit down, Kathy. Calm yourself. Tell me what Robert said.’

I repeated everything he had said to me.

‘He didn’t share
any
of this with me when I spoke to him,’ he said crossly.

Nick picked up his phone and he spoke to someone and he told them to hold the photographs of Heja Vanheinen and Billy Hartman until they had explicit instructions from him.

I was still trembling, unable to calm myself.

‘If it’s true, I know she’s going to hurt him,’ I said.

‘You’ve got to keep it together, Kathy. We won’t do anything with the photos for now. And I plan to visit Robert Mirzoeff again. He should have told me his suspicions since they are clearly relevant.’

‘And you know she’s got Billy?’

‘We think she has Billy. We’ve been on to the police in Helsinki and they’ve spoken to her parents. She hasn’t been back there since last year. And no one has heard from her for weeks. Now, go home and update Markus and I’ll keep in close touch with you both.’

OCTOBER

He was standing outside the lifeboat station, as we had agreed. He had parked his Saab where I could see it. I told him I needed him and he had come.

I had left Billy with Wayne. My next conversation with Markus had to be just the two of us. I told Wayne I was visiting an old friend. She had shingles and I couldn’t risk the baby being near her. I told him I would be an hour at most. Billy was asleep in his buggy and would probably sleep the whole time I was away. Would Wayne do me the biggest favour and look after him? Wayne looked nonplussed. The woman who sat next to him was helpful. She wheeled Billy’s buggy next to her desk and told me not to worry. She had three kids and Billy would be fine with her.

I drove past Markus and I know he saw me. I did not stop. I drove around the streets of Deal looking for any signs that the police had come with him. I did not think he would betray me. Then I drove back and parked next to his car. He walked over and his face was full of fear. Before he could say a word I put my hand up.

‘Billy is safe. You’ll see him in twenty minutes. He’s with a friend. I need to tell you something now, Markus, something I should have told you years ago.’

He got into the Volvo and I drove us to a quiet back street and parked. I turned to face him.

‘Promise me Billy is safe,’ he said.

‘Safe and well; I would never hurt him. He is your son.’

And then, and I could not stop it, my eyes filled with tears. I did not cry – ever. He reached for my hand.

‘I’m dying, Markus. I feel weaker every day. I have to tell you this now.’

I stopped and wiped my tears away with my hands.

‘Seven years ago, very soon after you left so suddenly, I started to feel sick and my period was late.’

He swallowed hard.

‘I saw my doctor and he confirmed that I was pregnant with our child.’ His face registered shock, or was it disbelief?

‘That last time, after that dreadful row, I conceived our child.’

We were both remembering that night. We always fought and then we always had passionate sex afterwards to make up. That time something had been different and he had left me a few days later.

‘Markus, I wanted our baby so much. You were gone but I was sure you would come back. For a few weeks I was truly happy. Then I started to feel very ill, dizzy and sick all the time. My doctor ran these tests and he told me I was carrying the gene that killed Tanya.’

Markus looked stricken.

‘He said our baby could not survive. Was “not viable”; those were the words he used: “not viable”.’

‘Oh, Heja...’

‘It was the most terrible moment of my life. I found out I would die a dreadful death at the very time I thought I was carrying new life.’

Tears were rolling down my face, tears that I had never been able to cry before. He held me close then and he cried too. It had started to rain and the rain knocked on the car roof as if it was mocking us as we sat there in that embrace. Finally it was me who pulled away.

‘Promise me you’ll never leave me again, Markus.’

‘I promise.’

‘I need your help.’

‘I promise.’

‘We’ll get Billy now. Can you drive? I feel too shaky.’

We swapped seats and I directed him back into Deal and to the parade of shops and the estate agent’s. I walked into the office. The woman had Billy on her knee.

‘He’s a great little lad,’ she said.

‘Thank you so much for looking after him.’

I put Billy into his buggy. He didn’t really want to go back into it. Then I shook the woman’s hand and Wayne’s hand. He held the door open for me. I pushed Billy towards Markus and he knelt down on the pavement. When Billy saw his father he gave a huge beaming smile, put his arms up and said, ‘Dada.’

Markus lifted him up and hugged him tight and looked at him and hugged him again. Then he said to me, ‘The police know you’ve got a Volvo. We need to park it somewhere out of the way and then use my car.’

I agreed. He drove the Volvo to Deal train station. There was a long-stay car park at the back of the station and he parked the car there. He said he would put money in for a week of parking. Then we sat and waited in the Volvo until the rain had stopped. We took everything out from the boot and put Billy back into the buggy. I was exhausted now, almost too tired to walk back to his car. I clung to his arm as he slowly pushed the buggy back to the lifeboat station. We got into his Saab. Then I directed him to the cottage.

We went into the house and I sat down on the sofa and said, ‘I have to rest now, Markus. I am exhausted.’

‘Lie down,’ he said, and I stretched out and he sat at my feet and took my shoes off. Billy was wriggling on his lap so he put him down on the carpet. It was the most incredible relief to have Markus there with me.

He took my hand.

‘Always such cold hands; now I understand. This is what we have to do, darling. We’ll go to the north of England. We’ll find somewhere to live. First I have to take Billy back to Kathy.’

‘
No!
’ I pulled my hand away abruptly.

‘Yes, darling. Think about it. They’re about to issue a photo of you and Billy to the media. As long as we have Billy with us the whole country will be on the lookout. You have
me
. Let Kathy have Billy.’