The Lie (12 page)

I mean, yeah,
I felt bad about not calling Kyle back that night, but we just got really busy at this meeting and I couldn’t really just step out to make a call or anything. Seriously, I was a pledge. I pretty much had to put my sisters and the needs of the sorority above everything else at that point. I knew Kyle understood.

I didn’t really think too much about it, but I guess after that night me and Kyle just kind of slipped into a routine where we’d see each other a few times a week and wouldn’t really do anything except watch TV together. We had sex I guess like probably two or three times a month, which I knew wasn’t really enough for Kyle, but I was usually pretty exhausted from the pledge stuff I had to do all day, so when I finally did get to hang out with him I just wanted to sit there and do nothing, you know?

So Kyle and I just kind of maintained our relationship. I didn’t really want to break up with him. I didn’t even really have time to go through all of that and even though he was getting kind of needy, it wasn’t bad. And I know he didn’t want to break up with me. I was pretty much the best thing that ever happened to him, and I knew he really did love me even if we were kind of starting to slip apart.

I guess the next big thing that happened for me that semester was my initiation. I pledged for around eight weeks, I think, maybe a little shorter, and I was glad to have it be over. We didn’t really have to do anything horrible like the stories you hear and everything while we pledged. It was just mainly being at the house a lot and helping with party planning or cleaning the house sometimes and stuff like that. But we definitely didn’t have the same status as the sisters. So it was really nice to finally be a real Kappa.

Our initiation ceremony was really cool. All of the other Kappas were there dressed in white robes and there were white candles and everything everywhere and we had to recite our oath and then we got our pins and it was honestly one of the best days of my life. I cried a little bit and Andrea did, too. We had had a few other conversations about our abortions and everything during the time I was a pledge so we had gotten pretty close and I could tell she was really happy for me and happy to have me as a sister.

Then once we got our pins we had like a week of parties and initiation activities. Some of the initiation stuff was supposed to be really nasty, but it wasn’t. It was a pretty similar kind of experience to being a pledge really. I guess maybe the weirdest thing we had to do was steal a foosball table from the Pike house, which I guess used to be the initiation for the guys at KA, but in the past few years the frats and sororities all decided they were going to switch some of the initiation activities to make them more difficult. If anything, it made it even easier for us. A Kappa from my pledge class named Jennifer Halloway was fucking this Pike named Tommy Dresmeyer and I guess she was really good at deep-throating and she let him fuck her in the ass all the time, so he totally just let us take the foosball table without even having to sneak around or anything.

I mean I guess the rest of the semester was just filled with a lot of parties and everything, and it looked like going into the summer Kyle and I were going to be okay. I figured once the semester was over we would have the whole summer together and he would be happy to be able to see me more and I would be able to spend a bunch more time with him and figure out if I really wanted him to be my boyfriend as a sophomore. I knew that I’d still be partying a lot my sophomore year, and I did kind of think it might be important to be able to hook up with guys at parties and everything.

Anyway there was probably only like a month left in school and we got together with ATO and threw this Heaven and Hell party. It was a big end-of-the-year party that Kappa and ATO always threw together and you had to come dressed as an angel or a devil or something that had to do with heaven and hell. I was dressed like an angel. This one guy from ATO, Gary Johnson, came dressed like the Grim Reaper with a bunch of little fake aborted fetuses hanging off his belt. It was seriously disgusting and I almost started crying.

I was like, “Gary, that is fucking repulsive.”

And he was like, “I would love to see you out of those wings.”

I was like, “Fuck you.”

Then I walked away. Seriously, what a fucking asshole. I found Andrea and asked her if she had seen Gary’s costume yet and she had basically the same reaction I did. I wished Kyle would have been there with me. It was the first really big party I had helped plan and everything, and after seeing Gary I really just wanted to be with Kyle, have him hug me and everything. But obviously the party was fraternity and sorority only. For a little while I wasn’t really feeling in the party type of mood, so I walked outside on the front lawn and found a spot kind of over by the back fence of the ATO house. As I was walking toward it, I ran into Brett. He didn’t look like he was dressed up or anything. He was just wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

I was like, “Hey, Brett. Did you decide not to dress up?”

He was like, “Hey, no, I’m dressed up. I’m God. He made us in his own image, so he must look just like us, right?”

I was like, “I guess. How’re things going for you now that you’re not a pledge?”

He was like, “Fine.”

I was like, “Yeah, me too. I love being a Kappa. The other Kappas are all so nice and it’s just really cool, you know.”

He was like, “Yeah, how’re you and Kyle holding up through all of this bullshit?”

I was like, “Uh, we’re doing fine. I think he misses me sometimes, but we’re good.”

He was like, “Sweet. Well, I’m off to get to know some of your sisters a little better. Have a good night.”

I was like, “You too.” And then he left to go back into the house. It was kind of weird that he called all the sorority and fraternity stuff bullshit, I thought. Anyway, I guess it really didn’t matter. Talking to Brett kind of made me feel a little better about the party and everything and kind of forget Gary’s terrible costume. I figured as long as I didn’t run into him again, I’d be fine.

So I just kind of hung around the front of the house and I saw Annie. She actually looked pretty cute in this little kind of slutty girl-devil outfit. She was like, “Hey,” and she gave me a big hug. I could tell she was already seriously trashed.

I was like, “How drunk are you right now?”

She was like, “Not drunk enough if I can understand what you’re saying. Have you seen Brian?”

I was like, “Brian Todd? Are you guys dating or something?”

She was like, “No, not dating. But I would seriously love to fuck him tonight.”

I was like, “I thought you guys already fucked.”

She was like, “Yeah, we did a few times, but I’d really like to tonight, too.”

I was like, “Oh. I haven’t seen him.”

She was like, “Okay, I’m gonna go look for him,” then she left and went back into the house. I had seen Brian a few times while we were doing pledge stuff and a few times since at some random parties, but I hadn’t really thought about him until Annie brought up the fact that she wanted to fuck him. I got kind of pissed off. I knew I still had Kyle and everything and I knew Annie had already fucked Brian, but I felt like I had first dibs on him and if I didn’t have a boyfriend he’d be totally into me. Whatever.

So it was probably like fifteen minutes later or something, I was making myself a screwdriver and Brian walked into the kitchen.

He was like, “How have you been?” and he gave me a big hug. He had like really hard arms and everything, like I could totally tell he worked out. Kyle had a good body and everything, but not like that. Kyle didn’t work out or anything.

So I was like, “Pretty good. How have you been?”

He was like, “Pretty good, too. Just trying to make sure I finish this semester without failing any classes or anything, you know.”

I laughed and was like, “Yeah, seriously.”

He was like, “So you still with, um, Kyle, right?”

I was like, “Yeah, but you know we’re kind of in a rough spot. I don’t know how much longer it’s going to last.” I have no idea why I said that, but it just seemed like something I should have said. Even as I was saying it I knew it wasn’t really true, but it could be if I wanted it to be, you know. It was just like, here was this hot guy asking me if I was single basically and even if it was kind of a lie it was still probably the right thing to say. And now, after everything that’s happened, I can see I should have just fucked Brian right then and there and emptied the used condom out on Kyle’s pillow or something.

Anyway, Brian and I talked for like an hour or so about school and everything, and then as people started leaving the party we were like the only ones left in this little side room. We were both pretty drunk and we were sitting next to each other on this couch that kind of smelled like nut sweat and beer. I never liked how frat houses smelled. They all kind of smelled like nut sweat and beer, I guess. Anyway, he was like, “Well, we might not see each other until next semester so I should probably give you this now.”

I was like, “Give me what?”

Then he leaned over and kissed me. This was a full-on make-out kiss and I was too drunk to really stop him and he was a really good kisser so I just kissed him back and we made out for like fifteen minutes or something. His back was so full of these little muscles I couldn’t stop running my hands over it. Oh my God. I was so fucking wet and so fucking drunk. I really wasn’t even thinking about Kyle, to tell you the truth. I was just lost in the moment and seriously fucking horny.

I started to pull up his shirt and reach down his pants. He stopped me and he was like, “For real, you have a boyfriend. We can’t do this.”

I was like, “I told you we’re in a rough spot.”

He was like, “Even if that’s true, I can’t do this while Kyle is your boyfriend.”

I was like, “Why not?”

He was like, “Isn’t Kyle best friends with Brett Keller?”

I was like, “So?”

He was like, “So fucking Brett Keller’s best friend’s girlfriend isn’t a real smart thing to do.”

I was like, “Then why’d you start kissing me?”

He was like, “I don’t know. I’m drunk, I guess. I’d love to fuck you, but for real, I can’t be messing around with Brett Keller’s best friend.”

I was like, “He won’t ever know.”

He was like, “If we fuck, we’re going to want to fuck again and then we’re going to want to do it again and again and eventually either your boyfriend or Brett is going to find out. Especially if we do it at this party. For real, that will suck.”

I was like, “I thought all frat guys were like serial date rapists. Why do I have to make out with the one who won’t fuck a girl who has a boyfriend?”

He laughed. He was like, “It’s not that you have a boyfriend, it’s that you have a boyfriend who is friends with Brett Keller. I wanted to have sex with you when I first met you and your roommate, but I found out you had a boyfriend and I found out he was friends with Brett. That’s the only reason I ended up having sex with her instead.”

I was like, “Seriously?”

He was like, “For real.”

Then we made out for like a few minutes and he left. That night was seriously terrible. After the party I went back to the dorms and didn’t even bother knocking on Kyle’s door. I know it sounds weird, but I was actually kind of pissed off that he fucked up my chance with Brian. I was so mad and horny that I just went in my room and fingered myself thinking about Brian, who was probably out fucking Annie because she never came home that night. After I came I kind of felt bad about being mad at Kyle, so I went up to his room and slept in his bed with him, but we didn’t have sex.

A few months or so
before the end of our first semester I came to a stunning realization while at a quad party thrown by two sororities and two fraternities, the names of which are irrelevant. I had just fucked a girl whose full name was Mandolin Jacobs, but she went by Mandy, of course. I should clarify. When I say I fucked her I mean that I fucked her in the ass for ten minutes as deep and as hard as I could, to ensure I got at least some fecal matter on my dick, and then I throat-fucked her until she could barely breathe before bringing my performance to a close by shooting my load all over her tear-streaked face. The realization came twenty or thirty minutes after the event I just described, when I walked into a bathroom only to find Mandolin “Mandy” Jacobs being throat-fucked by one of my fraternity brothers named Lee Marsdale. He gave me an enthusiastic thumbs-up in between thrusts and I closed the door.

As I meandered back through the party and looked for the next girl I could force into some act of sexual deviance, I became acutely aware of the fact that they were hardly worth the effort. As a girl named Daphne Gerber approached me, tongue-kissed me without provocation, and put her hand down my pants, I came to a greater understanding of my own nature. What I actually enjoyed about the demeaning sexual acts I had forced on various girls up to that point in my life was the fact that they allowed it because of my superficial material status. Once I became a member of this fraternity, however, the girls I demeaned allowed it for no reason other than they were sluts who would invite this type of behavior from any other member of any other fraternity. There was nothing unique about me to the girls whom I forced to eat vegetables that had only moments prior been jammed into their assholes with no lube. Once initiated into this strange social environment, these sluts would allow themselves to be debased by any of their male counterparts. It was simply the way things were.

As the second semester wore on I found myself hanging out with Kyle more and more, secluding myself from the activities of the Alpha Tau Omega house. I would attend only the mandatory functions and even then only for the minimum required amount of time. My lack of interest did not go unnoticed by the other members of the house, but there was little they could do to change this. They understood my membership to be exactly as it was—predetermined and immutable.

Every so often I would run into Kyle’s girlfriend, whom I came to despise even more after actually seeing her as a mindless sorority whore, a role that upon our first meeting I knew she would naturally fall into. I wished Kyle could see her at one of these parties. I reasoned that if he could see her flitting around like the whore she was he would finally be done with her. And, after endless conversations with him about her increased absence in their relationship and the strain it was putting on him, I thought sneaking him into a party at which I knew she would be present might tip the scales. But despite my insistence that he attend one such party he argued that he had to maintain respect for Heather by allowing her to have her own experiences without him. If she had wanted him to come to the party she would have asked him.

With my best friend becoming a shell of himself—the core of his personality being sucked out by and wasted on worrying about this whore who at her own core could care less about him—and with the whores I myself was fucking offering me no true joy, I began to focus myself on the coming summer break. I had no obligations to the fraternity during the summer, and the sluts I would fuck would fuck me for my status again.

One week before the semester ended I went to Petco and purchased a collar-and-chain set meant for large dogs, with the intent of going out the night after our last finals, finding a willing slut, fucking her, and then chaining her to a tree near the gazebo in my family’s backyard, where I would urinate on her repeatedly over the course of twenty-four hours, allowing her to eat and drink from dog bowls only. My father and his wife were going to be gone for almost the entire summer, vacationing in various places around Europe, making something like this very possible.

My father and his wife had invited me to join them on certain legs of their vacation but I declined, preferring to spend my time alone, with sluts who would hopefully be chained up in the backyard, or with Kyle, who I also knew had no vacation plans and would be staying in Dallas for the entirety of the summer, probably working at a meaningless job to save some money.

I envisioned myself inviting him over, taking him into the backyard to introduce him to a urine-covered whore who would be eating from a dog bowl, and explaining to him that his girlfriend was no different. I further wove the fantasy to include his actual girlfriend as the urine-covered whore. If such an act wouldn’t have ruined our friendship I thought I would have had no trouble convincing Heather to bathe in my urine while eating out of a dog bowl with little more than a promise of us going on a few dates in the first semester of our sophomore year.

On the final day of our first year of college I checked donorsibling registry.com and found that I was the proud father of my fourth child, a son born to a man and woman who had had two natural children of their own in their youth but required the aid of a donor since the father had elected to have a vasectomy some years prior.