The Lie (7 page)

She kept saying how bad
she wanted to go to a homecoming party and I really couldn’t have cared less. At SMU, homecoming was a major hassle. The campus didn’t allow any alcohol at any of the tailgating parties, so if you wanted to drink you had to somehow get invited to one of the off-campus parties, which were usually thrown by frats. They’d have a bus come and pick everyone up and take them to wherever the party was. Heather had no way of getting into one of these parties, but Brett did and she knew it. She kept saying that going to one of these parties would give her a leg up on the other girls rushing in the coming semester because she’d get to meet girls who were already in sororities and all this other bullshit. Even though I really didn’t want to ask Brett, I would have done anything for Heather, so I did.

I had to meet him over by Meadows because he was taking a painting class to fill a general elective. He told me he’d been planning to take music appreciation, but at the last minute he thought a painting class might give him a better opportunity to meet a very specific kind of girl. His plan was the usual—meet and abuse some poor girl—but he thought it might be more of a challenge if the girl thought she was above “the standard female interest in material wealth,” so he said.

When I walked up to him, he was in a group of some other students, all painting what was supposed to be the tree they were gathered around. Brett’s painting was more of a third-grade-style vagina, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. I asked him if he could get Heather and me into a homecoming party.

I remember he said something like, “Kyle, you’re a fucking idiot. You’re not thinking clearly because you think you’re in love. The sad truth is that love doesn’t exist.”

I said, “I don’t need the shit-talk, man. Can you get us into one of these parties or not? She really wants to go.”

“Get you into one of these parties? I can
throw
the best one of these parties SMU has witnessed in the past decade if I want to. That’s not a problem, and I’ll do it because you’re the best friend I’ve ever had and because a party thrown by myself at my father’s house will have more whores with low self-worth whom I can emotionally crush into dust than any other party at SMU. But before I do any of that, I want to ask you something.”

“Okay.”

“Have you ever heard of the second of truth?”

“No.”

“Then listen. It’s different for all of us in terms of what we actually think during it, but its purpose is exactly the same for all guys. It’s the second immediately following ejaculation when you see the world for what it is, see it bathed in truth. You know what I’m talking about?”

“No.”

“Just after you fire off a load, your mind is cleared. It’s like all of your worries, pains, fears, et cetera rode out of your body in that stream of semen. And it’s in that single second after that release that the world appears to you as it truly is. It’s in that second that you can actually think about things without being hindered by all the other shit in your life. For me, the second of truth holds an image that always repeats. As I ejaculate I imagine that, instead of semen, my dick shoots a giant plume of flames that incinerates the whore I’m fucking. I never have to see her, hear her, deal with her, et cetera. She’s gone, turned to ash by the jet of molten fire being launched out of my cock. That’s my second of truth. Do you know what it means?”

“That you’re a fucking psychopath?”

“No. It means that when I see things clearly, for what they are, I don’t want that woman anywhere near me. I’d rather see her dead than deal with her in any way other than sexually, and I bet your second of truth is probably pretty similar.”

“Are you fucking insane? I have never in my life thought of my dick as a flamethrower.”

“I misspoke. I didn’t mean that you think of your dick shooting fire like me, but I bet that in your second of truth, if you look at it honestly, you’ll see that you don’t want Heather. I would bet that most guys, in fact, have similar seconds of truth, because we all know deep down that women are good for fucking and not much else.”

“That’s not how I think, man. I’m actually falling in love with Heather. After we have sex I actually like to fall asleep with her and to wake up with her and to talk to her about other things. I definitely don’t want to melt her with my dick.”

“All of the things you’re mentioning have nothing to do with the second of truth. The cuddling and all that shit happens way after the second of truth. You only get a second before all of the concerns you’re burdened with on a daily basis come back to you and lock you back in the cage of who the world thinks you are, not who you really are. And the world tells you that you love Heather, that you should want to cuddle with her, that you should want to stroke her hair, that you should want to make her happy, et cetera.”

“Do you ever listen to yourself? You’re fucking insane.”

“You’re the one who got tricked into thinking he’s in love. Fuck, into even thinking love is fucking real and not a lie that women have tricked most poor bastards into believing.”

“So are you going to throw a homecoming party or not?”

“If the next time you blow a load you remember to really focus on that second immediately after, really think about what you want, what you think about Heather, what you think about women in general during that second, then yes, I’ll throw a party so you can fall deeper into a hopeless pit of self-delusion.”

“You just told me you think your dick’s a flamethrower. You have no room to talk about self-delusion.”

“Do we have a deal? You’ll think about what you really feel for Heather the next time you blow a load and I’ll throw the party in return?”

“It’s the most bizarre deal ever, but it’s a deal.”

After that conversation with Brett, I went back to McElvaney, to my room, and saw that Dave wasn’t around. I had been thinking about the second of truth the entire time I walked back, and I didn’t know where Brett heard about it or how he came up with it, and as insane as it sounded, I was curious. So I jerked off, and in the second after I came I really tried to think about Heather and how I felt. It was weird. Brett was right, everything did seem to make more sense, to be more clear. What I thought in that second was that I loved Heather more than any girl I had ever met or would meet. I didn’t know it then, but I was completely fucked.

I got this text from Kyle
saying he had something really important to tell me and I should come up to his room like as fast as possible. When I got up there he told me that he didn’t just get us into a homecoming party, he got us into one that was being thrown by Brett. I almost passed out. Seriously, that was probably the closest to being in love with Kyle that I had ever been up to that point. So I was like, “I love you,” but I wasn’t really sure that I actually did. I was just really happy and I knew it was something that he probably wanted to hear. Then he was like, “I love you, too,” and he really did mean it. I could tell. I knew he was going to want to talk about our relationship and being exclusive and everything if we both supposedly loved each other, but I didn’t really want to get into all of that with him and his weird roommate was gone, so I just blew him right there before he could say anything. I let him finish in my mouth, and then I asked him if Annie could come to Brett’s party and he said she could. I was so excited. I actually invited a few other girls from some of my classes who seemed cool and who had told me they were going to be rushing after Christmas. I figured Brett wouldn’t care.

I don’t even remember who SMU was playing or anything. I don’t really like football and I don’t see why anyone does really. Other than people talking about the game, the party was literally the best party I had ever been to, up to that point.

We got there like thirty minutes after it started because I didn’t want us to be the first ones there, even though Kyle was like, “Brett’s my best friend. It doesn’t matter if we show up four hours early. He’s not going to care.” Whatever. Even though Brett was a freshman, he was still Brett Keller and that meant there could be sophomores or other upperclassmen at his party. I couldn’t have other girls who were already Kappas or Pi Phis walking in and thinking I had been the first one there. Kyle just didn’t get it.

Even though we got there half an hour after it started, we were still like some of the first people there, which wasn’t actually as bad as I thought it was going to be. Kyle introduced me to Brett’s dad, who was a total silver fox. Seriously, you could totally tell Brett was going to be a really hot older guy. His dad was really into talking about the football game with Kyle and everything, and I wanted him to like me, so I pretended to be really into whatever he was saying. I think he liked me.

Then I met Brett’s stepmom. She was about as into the whole football thing as I was, and I think she could sense it, so she was like, “Heather, I know I’m bored out of my mind listening to this. Would you like a tour of the house?”

I was like, “Um, sure.” I didn’t want it to seem like I was way overeager or anything, you know, so Brett’s dad wouldn’t be offended like I was bailing on his football conversation, but I did really want to see the house.

It was seriously insane. It was in Highland Park, of course. It was like the biggest house I’ve probably ever been inside of. I can’t even tell you how many rooms it had or anything. It was that huge. And every room had really nice furniture and everything. I mean it was exactly what I expected his house to look like. I got to see Brett’s room. I imagined what it would be like to wake up in his room with him. Then I imagined what it would be like to be married to him and know that this huge house was half yours. As I was thinking that, I actually realized that I had never even been to Kyle’s house or even really thought about what it might look like—not as nice as Brett’s. That’s for sure.

After Brett’s stepmom gave me the tour, she took me back out into one of the living rooms where Kyle and Brett were talking. The party had started to fill out a little more. I saw that guy Collin Davis standing over by the fireplace and hoped he didn’t remember me from the double blowjob with Annie—or, if he did remember me, I hoped he wouldn’t like come up to me and say something shitty in front of Kyle or Brett.

There were a few girls wearing their sorority sweatshirts—a few Chi-Os, a few DGs, a few fat Alpha Chis. No Kappas and no Pi Phis that I could see at first, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. I mean Brett was a freshman, so the fact that any girls who were already in sororities were there was pretty impressive.

Other than Collin Davis, there were a bunch of guys from different frats there, too. They all seemed to be waiting like vultures to talk to Brett’s dad. I think they were mainly talking about the game, but sometimes I could hear them talking about their dads and business stuff that I could care less about. There were a few old guys there, too, who were wearing ATO stuff. I guess Brett’s dad was an ATO when he went to SMU. I wondered if Brett was going to be an ATO, too, because of his dad. I mean they were still kind of cool, but probably not like they were when Brett’s dad was in school. Brett seemed more like he belonged in Pike.

It was probably like a few hours into the party and I was seriously drunk. I kind of felt like I was going to puke, which I seriously did not want to do at Brett Keller’s house, so I found Kyle and I was like, “Hey, is there a guest bedroom or something somewhere?”

He was like, “Yeah.”

So he took me upstairs to a part of the house that I didn’t really remember Brett’s stepmom showing me, but it might have been because I was so drunk I couldn’t remember, I had no idea. He opened a door and we went into a room that was bigger than even my mom’s bedroom in our house, and it was just a guest room.

Kyle was like, “Are you okay?”

I guess he could tell I was drunk but I didn’t want him to know that I felt like I had to puke, because he might tell Brett and that would be fucking horrible. So I was just like, “Yeah, I just wanted to spend a little alone time with you.”

I figured I could give him a quick blowjob or something and maybe he would pass out and I could pass out with him and hopefully not puke in my sleep.

So we started kissing and everything, and I don’t know if it was because I was drunk or because I was in Brett Keller’s house or what the deal was but all of a sudden I was seriously horny for Kyle. Maybe it had something to do with him getting me into the party or something. I don’t know, but in that moment I think I really did love him.

So I was like, “Kyle, I love you.”

And he was like, “I love you, too.”

And again, I could tell he really meant it, like in a way that was like he would do anything for me. So instead of giving him a blowjob I took off my clothes and I took off his clothes and we had sex in Brett Keller’s guest room bed.

And I guess he was kind of drunk, too, because he never even paused for a second to ask if we should be using a condom, which he usually does. I was seriously too drunk to even think about it, and in the moment I really was only thinking about how much I thought I loved him. And I also remember thinking that I was surprised at how good he was at sex. I know by that point we had had sex like a lot, and pretty much in every position you could think of, but I was seriously drunk. And usually when I’m that drunk I can’t even make myself cum with a vibrator or anything. But he still could.

Then after he finished we just lay there and I didn’t feel as drunk. I mean, I was drunk, but I didn’t feel like I was going to puke anymore. I just kind of felt good all over. Then Kyle was like, “We didn’t use anything.”

And that was the first time I really thought about it. I was like, “It’s fine. I’ll go to the health center tomorrow morning and get the morning-after pill.”

He was like, “That’s all you need to do?”

I was like, “Uh, yeah.” I’ve done it like a million times, but I didn’t want to tell him that, so I didn’t.

Then we just kind of fell asleep. It was really nice. We woke up maybe like an hour later, put our clothes back on, and went back down to the party. I saw Annie for the first time that night. She was being cornered by that guy Collin Davis. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I went over to her to try and rescue her from the conversation.

Collin was like, “Hey, the other half of the dynamic duo.”

And I was positive that he was going to say something about the double blowjob right in front of Kyle, whose hand I was still holding and who I just kind of realized I actually loved.

Then Collin noticed that I was holding his hand and he was like, “Now how in the hell did a chump like you land a dick-sucking machine like this?”

Kyle was like, “Excuse me?”

Collin was a total dick. He was like, “What’s your name?”

Kyle was like, “Kyle.”

Collin was like, “What are you doing at this party, Kyle?”

Kyle was like, “A friend of mine’s throwing it.”

Collin was like, “Oh really. You’re friends with Brett Keller?”

And then, before Kyle could say anything, Brett came up behind him and put his arm around him and was like, “I’d say he’s more like my best friend, douchebag. Now who in the fuck are you?”

Collin looked like a deer in headlights. It was seriously hilarious. He was like, “Oh hey, Brett, my name’s Collin Davis.”

And Brett was like, “I know your fucking name, asshole. The question was meant to be deeper. Who in the fuck are you, metaphorically speaking? Are you the asshole who sucks up to my father because he wants a job at his company after graduation? Are you the asshole who sucks up to me because he wants to keep getting invited to parties like this? Or are you the asshole who just insulted my best friend because he didn’t know any better?”

Collin was like, “I’m sorry, Brett, I didn’t know you guys were friends. I thought he was just some random guy.”

Brett was like, “Well now that you know Kyle’s my friend, I think you owe him an apology.”

Collin was like, “Sorry, man.”

Kyle was like, “Don’t worry about it.”

I liked that Kyle wasn’t all agro and everything. It was a cool quality that he had. But I wished he would have been a little more like Brett and told Collin to fuck off or something.

So after all that, Annie actually ended up going back to Collin’s place with him that night and letting him fuck her in the ass. But supposedly he couldn’t stay hard long enough to finish. And supposedly he blamed it on how drunk he was, but I think it probably had something to with how Brett made him look like a retard.

Anyway, other than that minor thing, the rest of the party was really fun and I didn’t end up as drunk as I thought I was going to be. After we left the party, Kyle slept with me in my room because his roommate was in his room and we saw Annie leave with Collin so I knew she wouldn’t be back until the morning.

The next morning I woke up before Kyle and just kind of looked at him while he was sleeping. I really did love him. I snuggled up to him and just went back to sleep until he woke up at like noon or something and wanted to go get breakfast, which we did.

At breakfast I actually initiated the conversation with Kyle about us being exclusive. I know I had gotten into a relationship with him because I thought it might get me closer to Brett, which it did, but I was okay with us not seeing other people. I didn’t want to have to deal with guys like Collin Davis anymore. Kyle was a good boyfriend and I guess I recognized that. He was about as happy as I’ve ever seen a guy. He leaned across the table over our eggs and pancakes and kissed me and told me he loved me.

I guess that conversation had both of us thinking about other things because we left breakfast and went back to my room and had sex again without a condom and it wasn’t until the next morning that I remembered we had sex at Brett’s party and I forgot to get the morning-after pill the next day, which is really out of character for me. I didn’t tell Kyle because I didn’t want him to worry and most likely I wasn’t pregnant anyway—I mean, I had my period like the week before.