The Lady Astronomer (12 page)

“That’s my girl.” He beamed. “We’ll
have you better in no time at all.”

*

My Castle

Ms. H.

One hears that you were caught up in an
accident of some import. We are sorry to hear of it, and wish you a speedy
recovery.

My Man, Rammstein, also tells me that My
Structure was all but blown down. Dash it! What what? A costly nuisance.
However, I am quite assured that though it will take some time to make right,
and do it properly, that it will be done. My
Zwerge
will see to that.

One has a next project in mind for them, so
may you enjoy their workman-like vigour until the Structure is once again
raised and sound, before they are gone like
poof
. I shall leave it to your
imagination to visualise the Royal Digits clicking to that word.

His Most Gracious of Royal Majesties,
Defender of the Realm and so on and so forth

.

The king.

postscript We must say that, though this
last instance of incident was due to Nature rather than Man, We do expect One’s
Forty Foot to be in evidence sooner rather than later. If not, One will feel
compelled to take further action.

*

“Marvellous, just marvellous.”
Lucretia blew out crossly.

“I would have thought it most exciting
to receive correspondence from the king, no?”

“Damned nuisance more like.”

“What a shame I shall be missing out
on all the action!”

“Oh, no. Are you off so soon?”

“Sweetling, I must get back before my
apprentices burn my shop and laboratory down. Besides, I should think it is
quite time for you to get up and about.”

“Don’t want to.”

“Lucretia H, what age are you? Four?
Now don’t huff and puff at me so. One would think you didn’t want to get out of
bed in case you bumped into a certain person who rescued you recently from sure
and certain danger.”

Lucretia blushed.

“You see! Ah, romance, I remember
thee.”

“It is not a romance, he must go soon.
Even the king says so. And anyway, he is much older than me, and lost his heart
a long, long time ago.”

“Ooh, do tell!”

“It’s not nice to gossip.”

“Stuff manners and decorum, I’m all
ears!”

“Suffice it to say that there was a
girl, who stole that certain person’s heart, and kept it stolen. She died, and took
his heart with her.”

“How very sad! I see your reluctance
now, dearest girl. I am sorry that I have to go. Keep your heart, for if he
wanders as you say he does, there will be no pinning him down.” Mr. D
laughed.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“Pinned down? Never mind, a botanist’s
joke.”

“I will miss you.”

“And I you. But now, flower of my
garden, brightest of stars in the sky, let us get you out of this sickroom and
downstairs to the bosom of your family.”

*

Al had not only fixed her monoscope, but
ground new lenses for the ocular device and lined the leather straps with sheep’s
fleece. It felt wonderful to have proper vision back, but as Lucretia pulled
the telescope out she was startled. Al had added yet another lens. She must
remember to only use it while stargazing as everything came into fast, huge
focus. She smiled.

“A smile! Do my eyes deceive me? You
look wonderful my dear. How lovely it is to see you up and about.” Mr. D
kissed the top of her head.

She hugged him and he held her tight.

“You smell a bit funny,” she remarked.

“Al let me borrow his workshop last
night while you slept. I’m trying to come up with a new formula for my potion
for the vapours. I have many wealthy lady clients back in London, and none of
them like the astringent properties of my remedy. I have been trying to add
attar of roses to make it more palatable.”

“You are a dear man.” She smiled.
“Thank you so much, for everything, you are a true friend to me and I am
more grateful than words can say.”

“The pleasure is all mine, my sweet. All
mine. Now, let us go and face your family. I have been told to bring you to the
Astronomy room for tea and cake.” Mr. D held his arm out to Lucretia and
they made their way slowly to the reunion.

“Honestly, there’s no need to fuss
quite so much. I don’t need more tea, cake, blankets, windows opened, windows
closed, compresses, smelling salts, or anything else.”

“She’s back!” Freddie pranced
around the room. “She’s back!”

“Freddie.” Lucretia laughed
through her words. “You’re just lucky I’m not quite well enough yet to
parry words effectively.” She gazed around the room at her brothers, the O
family, the V’s and even Mrs. P.

Someone knocked at the door, and Rammstein
strode into the room.

“Lucretia! I heard you were feeling
better.” He beamed at her, eyes softening. “But I’m afraid that’s not
why I’m here, lovely as it is to see you. It would appear that Leibniz has
taken off with all of the mallets and the
Zwerge
have disappeared.”

Everyone stood en masse, leaving Lucretia
in her chair. “All seven of them? They’ll never catch up with Leibniz you
know.”

“Never a dull moment, and I wouldn’t
bet on it!” Al kissed her head as he ran from the room.

A Bumpy Ride
The Most Important Personage In The
Castle
Wodehouse
The Royal Family
Cat And Mouse

Lucretia stared out of the carriage window
and exhaled noisily, startling Leibniz from his nap on her lap. Orion sat up
with the driver, most likely to scope out the terrain that lay ahead.

She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Though
not prone to tears and fits of feminine fretting, she was really rather upset.
And exasperated. How could he? Because of Freddie she had been summoned to ‘stay’
with the king until the Forty-Foot was completed. It was fine for him, at home
surrounded by Al and the O’s and his lady-love. What about her star
cataloguing? That would suffer as she couldn’t take everything with her.

Oh, but this was useless, this study in
recrimination. She loved Freddie too much to
hold a grudge. Great, now she was feeling nervous.

Lucretia held Leibniz tightly for comfort,
and let her eyes glaze over the passing countryside as she pondered recent events.

*

My Castle at Windsor

Sir–

In a recent letter to your sister, I
emphasised the need for My Telescope to be finished with utmost haste. You have
repaid my monetary Magnificence and loan of Rammstein and the
Zwerge
with an utter display of
impudence.

Indeed, sir, were I not so keen to see the cosmos
and show my guests my Telescope, your head would have been disposed of before
now.

Good gracious, man! When news of your
so-called scientific paper reached mine ears, I was agog, ‘what has he
discovered now?’ I enquired of my Self.

Imagine the Royal Excitement turning to real
and terrible horror when I read about your lurid thoughts on things impossible!
You, sir, are a laughing stock! To purport that alien races live on our nearby
heavenly bodies, to be so preposterous to suggest that the moon and even the
sun, that shining beacon, are peopled by, well people! It is unimaginable, and
I feel a personal slur against My Most Royal Being.

It is clear that you need some sort of
incentive to complete the task at hand. To this end, I am requiring your sister’s
presence at my Castle until it is finished. Your assistant, one is quite sure,
will be a considerable loss to yourself, and one also imagines, that you will
have more hours now to work on said telescope.

To ensure your co-operation, your sister
will not be permitted to bring her work with her, and you will undoubtedly
suffer the wretched, heart-rending dishonour of reading her pleas in daily
missives.

You may be glad that my Most Royal Self has
not taken more drastic measures, but I have been assured that you, unbelievable
as it seems, are still the best man for the job, sir.

Should you wish to stop your ears against
My displeasure, the surest way of doing so is to send word that the Forty-Foot
is ready and that I may bring personages of great distinction to visit.

Should you wish to have your assistant in
the guise of your sister back to you in the speediest of time, the same holds
true.

Finish My telescope, sir, at once.

The king.

*

Freddie had turned very pale indeed, and
when asked what the matter was, he had passed the letter to Lucretia. Having
read it, just as wordlessly she had turned on her heel and left the room.

Rammstein had calmed her, and professed a
wish to see her again. Al helped her to pack. Mrs. O passed her some fancies
for her journey, baked by the Younger who had been too distraught to give them
to her himself.

Lucretia smiled at the thought of the
Younger, and his amazing wig. Orion brought her back to the present as he
swooped in on the driver, knocking his hat askew, he had never been the best at
landing accurately, and curses reached her ears before said driver remembered
that he had a young lady in his carriage.

He stopped, climbed down from his seat, and
opened the door.

“You will excuse me. The owl gave me a
fright. My tongue ran away with me.” He took his hat off and twisted its
rim in his hands. “Would my dear lady wife ever find out, I would receive
quite the telling off, I can assure you.”

Lucretia bit her lip to hold back her laughter.
She could never tell this man that at home Freddie’s curses often turned the
air blue. “It is of no account,” she assured him.

“Thank you. Well, we are nearly there
now, should you wish to attend to your, ahem, appearance any? I don’t mean to
talk out of turn, and of course you look very nice, but my dear lady wife does
often ask me to stop a little while away while she orders her coiffure. Or
whatever it is that you ladies like to do.”

“You are most kind.” Lucretia kept
her giggles to herself until the driver had assumed his position and geed the
horses on. He was only being kind, but it was funny. Actually, it wasn’t that
funny at all, and she was now feeling exceptionally anxious. She smoothed down
her dress and resumed her study of the landscape. A large moat came into view,
and she knew that they had arrived.

Stags and deer gazed contentedly, while a
clockwork crocodile swam a lazy circuit.

A clockwork crocodile?

Lucretia sat back against the cushioned seat.
This was going to be more interesting that she thought.

*

Two young ladies dressed as shepherdesses
in brightly coloured striped dresses passed as she alighted, lambs bleating in
their wake.

Leibniz, not yet fully awake, looked at
Lucretia as if to say, “Did I just see that?”

She stroked his head absentmindedly and
thanked the driver as he carried her bag to the front steps of the castle.
Orion waited for her there, and Lucretia stood back to look at the towering
edifice with its buttresses and gargoyles. Workmen swarmed here and there, tiny
in the heights of the crenulations as they repaired and built more on to the
already huge structure.

Lucretia hefted Leibniz higher, and he
wrapped his arm around her neck and legs around her waist like a heavy toddler.

“Time to see what is in store for us,
my friend,” she muttered. The heavy front door gave her pause; its giant
brass bands, screw heads, and knocker in the shape of a roaring lion were
astounding.

She lifted the lion’s muzzle in her hand to
knock it back and it let out a roar. She jumped in fright, and Orion ruffled
his feathers, while Leibniz stuck his thumb into his mouth and whimpered.

The huge door opened with a creak and
panting noise and a rather austere looking woman peered down her beaky nose.

“You’ll be the new potato peeler then,”
she remarked haughtily, looking Lucretia up and down with a sniff. “I have
no idea why you are at the front entrance. Servant’s door is at the back of the
castle, you can’t miss it, looks like this door but is about half the size.
Good-day.” The woman made to close the door after her.

“Wait!”

“Yes?”

“Potato peeler?”

“Yes, is that not what I just said?”

“Yes, but I…”

“You what? Come now, you are wasting
my time and yours, and Housie the Keeper will not be impressed if you muck
about with her Schedule. Runs a tight ship. Now, along with you, you will be
issued with a uniform and shown your shared lodgings before you start. Also, be
made aware that only the pig pigs get the peelings. The last potato peeler made
the mistake of giving the steampig pigs peelings, and one got so puffed up that
he ran away. The king was most displeased.”