The Japanese Devil Fish Girl (19 page)

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Authors: Robert Rankin

BOOK: The Japanese Devil Fish Girl
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‘What?’ went George, and now most seriously all agape, he sought to make some kind of sense of all that was going on around him.
 
Had George been granted a three-hundred-and-sixty-degree all-around overview of what was happening beneath, he would have seen that the great airship was now ringed by a wall of fire. The trees of Central Park were ablaze. Anarchist snipers, or perhaps they were Christian Fundamentalists, were leaping on-fire from branches. Surviving jumpers were patting at their flaming selves. And the great airship was rising. Up and up and up some more. It was most alarming.
 
Mooring lines strained and snapped, the
Empress of Mars
swung about, cleaving the sky in a mighty arc. And fire poured down from its weaponry, raking over Central Park, striking the high office towers surrounding it.
 
Ada Lovelace clung to George and George was glad for this clinging. Up and away went the
Empress of Mars
, trailing fire behind her.
 
George and Ada remained atop the airship. They watched as New York fell astern, as the flames became but a dim and distant glow that presently was gone into the evening.
 
‘I do believe,’ said George, ‘that a great deal of New York City is now gone up in flames.’
 
Ada Lovelace shrugged and said, ‘They started it.’
 
Which caused George to think of the bootboy and wonder whether he had survived.
 
‘If you are thinking of me, I’m fine, guv’nor,’ said that very lad. Who was safely to be seen sitting by Ada’s picnic hamper and tucking into the fruit cake.
 
‘This is madness,’ said George, much rattled. ‘All of this is madness.’
 
‘I do not think that the crew that manned the heat ray actually meant to do that amount of damage,’ said Ada. ‘Although they might have got carried away in all the excitement.’
 
‘How do you know about this heat ray, anyway?’ George asked.
 
‘I know every inch of this craft,’ said Ada. ‘I’ve been living aboard it since it was first launched. They have many secrets hidden on this ship, but none are hidden from me.’
 
‘You are a most extraordinary young woman,’ George observed. ‘Do you think that it is safe to go down now?’
 
‘I should think so. But I expect that tonight’s Kinematic presentation will have to be cancelled.’
 
 
The promenade deck had lost much of its charm. Wounded folk were laid out on the steamer chairs. Others who had moved beyond the wounded state, into that state known as death, were covered head to toe with towels and blankets. There was general all-around moaning and grief and all traces of the previous gaiety had departed. Those who could walk were for the most part doing their best to minister to those who could not, but the deck had the look of a war zone to it, very grim indeed.
 
George caught with difficulty the eye of a wine waiter, who was doing his best to avoid eye contact and make himself appear as tiny as could be.
 
‘Do you know what is happening?’ George asked this fellow. ‘Are we heading back to London, do you know?’
 
‘I don’t think so, sir,’ the other replied. ‘San Francisco next stop and making good time with the wind behind us.’
 
‘We are going
on
with the journey?’ George said.
 
‘According to the captain.’ The wine waiter put on a professional face. ‘People have paid a lot of money for this trip, sir. We can’t go letting them down now, can we?’
 
‘What?’ went George. ‘Not let them down? How many dead, I ask you?’
 
‘Dead?’ said the wine waiter. ‘Dead? Dead is such an ugly word, isn’t it? I myself prefer the term “non-dining passengers”.’
 
‘How many
dead
?’ George demanded to be told.
 
‘I believe there will be one hundred and eighty-nine vacant seats in the dining hall tonight, sir. I might possibly be able to give you and your lovely companion here an upgrade. Lord Brentford’s table has become available. But for his monkey butler and I am sure you would not mind sharing with him.’
 
George looked the wine waiter up and down. That
was
insolence, wasn’t it? Just like the bootboy. The menials aboard this sky-ship really held the passengers in considerable contempt.
 
‘Yes,’ said George. ‘My name is
Lord
George Fox and Lord Brentford’s table will be fine. Lead us to it at once, my man. And bring us a bottle of bubbly.’
 
 
The folk in the dining hall were not looking altogether well. Those who weren’t actually charred were rather red of face, sunburned in appearance, peripheral victims of the airship’s onboard defence and retaliatory systems. Most appeared to be in a state of shock. Few were actually eating.
 
The wine waiter did polite pullings-out and pushingsback of chairs. George and Ada smiled upon him.
 
‘Bring the champagne,’ said George.
 
The wine waiter sauntered away without haste.
 
George shrugged his shoulders to Ada.
 
Ada, however, did not see this shrug. She was leafing through the vellum pages of the menu and salivating somewhat as she did so. She did, however, look up, just the once, at George.
 
‘Can I order
any
thing?’ she asked him.
 
‘Anything you like,’ said George. ‘Anything you like.’
 
And then he thought about the settling up of the bill. Which caused him to think about Professor Coffin. Which in turn caused George to think about what a terrible person he, George, must be, not to have thought about the professor earlier. What if he was dead?
 
‘Oh no,’ said George. ‘How terrible of me. What a foul fellow am I?’
 
‘Are you?’ asked Ada, without looking up.
 
‘My travelling companion, the professor – he might be dead and I am sitting here with you and—’
 
‘He isn’t dead,’ said Ada.
 
‘You know him?’ George asked. ‘You know who I am talking about?’
 
‘The shifty fellow who took you to Barnum’s American Museum this morning.’
 
‘What?’ went George, of a sudden.
 
‘I slipped off the airship just after you, George. I saw you enter the cab. I heard him tell the cabbie where to drive to.’
 
‘The American Museum?’ George did wrackings of his brain, but no memories of the American Museum came to him.
 
‘It is all very odd,’ said George. ‘But how do you know the professor is not dead?’
 
‘Because he is coming this way now,’ said Ada. ‘Do you think I should leave?’
 
‘Certainly not,’ George told her. ‘I do not really approve of lying, but I will not contradict anything you care to tell him. Should you wish to elevate your social status to “Her Ladyship”, or whatever.’
 
And George smiled at Ada, who smiled back at George, and then both of them smiled at the professor.
 
‘Fiddle de, fiddle dum,’ said that fellow, dancing up and bowing low. ‘You are in good health, young George, the saints be thanked for it. I have been scouring the ship for you, in fear that you might have taken a spill. But you are well and in the company of a beautiful young woman
and
at Lord Brentford’s table. Good evening, Darwin.’
 
Lord Brentford’s monkey butler gibbered in reply.
 
‘I am well,’ said George, ‘and very pleased to see that you are too and this is—’
 
‘Ada Fox,’ said Ada. ‘I am George’s sister.’
 
‘Sister?’
said Professor Coffin, falling back in surprise.
‘Sister,
George? You never spoke to me of any sister. This is a great surprise to me.’
 
‘No more than it is to me,’ said George. ‘Which is to say, of course, that I did not know that my sister was on board. We are not a close family. My sister has come to America to seek work as a—’
 
‘Dancer,’ said Ada ‘Fox’.
 
‘Mathematician?’ said George.
 
‘Champagne, sir?’ said the wine waiter. ‘And will your sinister grandparent be joining you for dinner?’
 
‘What did you say?’ asked Professor Coffin of the wine waiter.
 
‘I asked whether the
superior
grandparent – to wit yourself, sir – would be joining His young Lordship here for dinner.’
 
‘I certainly will,’ said Professor Coffin, and, throwing back the tails of his coat, flung himself down onto a chair.
 
 
Champagne was danced around. Grand food was ordered and consumed, conversation merried itself and at least on Lord George’s table everyone was having a good time.
 
‘Can we keep the monkey butler?’ George asked Professor Coffin. ‘He is an orphan now, it seems.’
 
Professor Coffin made a jolly face. ‘Certainly,’ said he. ‘Did you and your sister have pets when you were children?’
 
‘Yes,’ said Ada.
 
‘No,’ said George.
 
But both spoke together.
 
‘Which is to say,’ said George, ‘that yes, Ada did, but no, I did not.’
 
‘And what pets did you have?’ asked the professor.
 
‘Dog,’ said George.
 
And, ‘Cat,’ said Ada.
 
Once more both together.
 
‘It was a cat,’ said George. ‘Although it looked a lot like a dog. I used to walk it on a lead, people used to think it was a dog.’
 
‘All becomes very clear,’ said the professor. Making a knowing smile.
 
‘George tells me that you are taking him on the Grand Tour,’ said Ada, smiling beautifully upon Professor Coffin. ‘He has told me so much about you. He holds you in very high esteem.’
 
‘Of course I do,’ said George.
 
‘And I likewise do you,’ said the professor, offering a guarded look to Ada as he did so. ‘But I think I should leave you two young people to your conversation. You must have so many things to catch up upon. I spy Mr Charles Babbage at yonder table, not looking too much the worse for wear. I have certain questions that I wish to ask him. If you will pardon me.’ Professor Coffin rose from his chair, dabbed a napkin to his lips, saluted Ada, bowed stiffly, turned and departed.
 
‘He really is such a very nice fellow,’ said George, smiling after him.
 
Ada Lovelace slowly shook her head. She turned her beautiful green eyes upon George Fox and looked at him long and hard.
 
‘I do not know,’ she said to George, ‘whether you might trust that unquantifiable something that is known as “female intuition”.’
 
George Fox shrugged and sipped a little champagne. ‘Well, upon this occasion I would advise you to do so,’ said Ada Lovelace. ‘For your companion, George, is undoubtedly by far the most evil man that it has ever been my misfortune to encounter.’
 
21
 
‘O
h no,’ cried George, most terribly shocked. ‘You are wrong about the professor.’
 
Darwin the monkey butler refreshed George’s glass and George thanked him for doing so.
 
‘Trust me,’ said Ada Lovelace. ‘I know these things. I am a woman.’
 
‘Trust
you
?’ said George, and his face expressed some doubts.
 
‘George,’ said Ada, ‘I know I used you and I have apologised for that. You are an extremely nice young man and I consider us now to be friends.’
 
‘Friends,’ agreed George, with only tiny little grindings of his teeth.
 
‘Then trust me when I say to you that the professor is evil. As well as having inbuilt intuition, women also have this other thing, this rather unfortunate thing.’
 
George almost said, ‘The menstrual cycle?’ But he did not, because he knew that had he done so, he would then have had to take recourse to ‘the gentleman’s way out’ and throw himself over the side.
 
‘An almost hypnotic fascination
for
and attraction to wicked men,’ said Ada. ‘Women find evil men, how shall I put this, well,
sexually
attractive.’

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