The Hoods (17 page)

Who fired the first shot, the blue or the grey?”

Jake anxiously awaited my criticism.

“Not bad if you made it up yourself.”

“Honest I did,” Jake said seriously.

“Okay, Jake, you know that everything you've got you stole from somebody else, including your poems.”

Maxie took his roll out, peeled off three C notes and tossed them one apiece. “Here's a retainer, boys,” he said. They took the dough eagerly.

Jake beaming from ear to ear said, “Thanks, Maxie, this sure comes in handy. I'm as flat as a titless broad. What's up? What's percolating, Max?”

“You guys know Nutchy the Shylock?”

“Yeh, we know the bastard. He's no good,” Jake replied. “He's the kind of guy who talks through both sides of his mouth and whistles 'I frig you truly.' I tried to hit him up some time ago. 'No dice,' he said. He don't do business with no goniffs, only honest people. He's tighter than the rear of a fat woman in slacks.”

“Yeh,” Pipy cut in, “he stinks on ice. We know him. He'd sell his grandmother for a Hershey bar.”

“With or without almonds?” Cockeye asked.

“He goes in for hair pie,” Goo-Goo added.

“Okay, Okay, cut it,” Maxie said. “You guys can give a guy a pretty good recommendation. Okay. Pay attention. Nutchy is going to get in touch with you boys. Does he know where you hang out, Jake?”

“Everybody knows Jake the Goniff hangs out on Broome Street,” he proudly replied. “What's the setup?”

Maxie explained, “You guys are supposed to have given Moishe, the dress contractor, a diamond worth two G's because he was in trouble and he is a friend of yours. Now get this. You fellows were supposed to have been on a heist. You clipped a hundred grand worth of sparklers, and you're looking to unload the stuff. Get it?”

The Goniff seemed puzzled. “Yeh, but where's the gimmick?”

“The gimmick is this,” Maxie leaned over the table tensely. “Pipy pulls a switcheroo on Nutchy, get it? I'll supply the setups!”

Jake the Goniff chuckled delightedly as he slapped Pipy on the back. “Fast Fingers Pipy is a natural to take that Nutchy with a switcheroo. How much shall we ask Nutch for the rocks?”

“Twenty grand,” Maxie replied.

“I'm dying to see that Nutchy's face when he finds out he got clipped for twenty grand,” Pipy laughed.

“After Nutchy contacts you, come right over here, and I'll have everything ready for you guys,” Maxie instructed.

After a few more hookers they left, feeling pretty good.

We went over to Luigi's and had a good Italian dinner.

While we were eating, a kid came in with the late editions. Max bought a paper. It carried the entire story. We wondered why the story was held over one day. “DARING DAYLIGHT DIAMOND ROBBERY.” The story said that one hundred and fifty thousand dollars worth of diamonds had been stolen and that seven masked men had been involved in the stickup, each one carrying a machine gun, making their getaway in two big cars.

I said smiling, “A typical eyewitness version. They had some mob in on that heist. They must have tripped over each other.”

Patsy laughed. “I wonder if it was anyone we know.”

“Not likely,” Max said mockingly. “How would we know any cheap heist men?”

Next morning, as Moe was fixing ham steaks and eggs for our breakfast to go with hot bagels from Ratners', Jake the Goniff, Pipy and Goo-Goo walked in elated.

“Okay,” Jake said. “Nutchy got in touch with us. After that goddamn story in the papers, he fell for it, balls and all.”

“Yeh, especially when he kept looking at the sparkler Moishe gave him, and I said we got a bagful, and we'd give him the load for twenty grand,” Pip chuckled. “He wants to make the deal up on some flat at West Fifty-first Street at eight o'clock tonight. Is that okay, Max?”

“Yep, it's okay,” Max said, his mouth full of ham and eggs. “You boys want something to eat?”

“Yeh, yeh. Kosher ham, that's my favorite breakfast fruit,” Jake said.

They sat down with us. Moe cut up some more ham and tossed it on the griddle.

We washed our breakfast down with double hookers. Maxie tossed us each a Corona Corona.

As we lit up he said, “Cockeye, you go over to Sammy the jeweler on Grand Street and tell him I want fifty nice-size zircons, and tell him to give you two absolutely the same little cotton bags with draw strings. Now remember, they positively must be two. And, some tissue papers. Okay? You got it?”

“Yeh, yeh, I got it,” Cockeye grumbled. He went out puffing his cigar. Maxie turned to Patsy and handed him a key.

“You know what I want you to get in Eddie's safe?”

Patsy nodded and said, “Okay, I get it,” and left.

“You know, Maxie, that flat we got the date with Nutchy up on West Fifty-first Street belongs to a guy named Oscar,” Jake said.

“Yeh, Max,” Pipy cut in. “I think that's Oscar, the fence.”

“Well, it adds up,” I said. “Nutchy probably is going to sell it to this fence.”

“Yeh, I'll bet,” Jake said. “Boy, he's sure a sharp operator, that Nutch.”

“He's sharp, all right, sharp as a matzo and twice as crumby,” Maxie said drily.

Moe continued bringing in double hookers and the party got a little congenial. Time went quickly. Before we knew it, Cockeye came in from Sammy's with the zircons and the two little bags. Max spilled them on the table.

“Jesus! They sparkle like the real McCoy,” Jake commented.

“Yeh. They're pretty good imitations,” I said.

Patsy came in shortly and took envelopes out of his pockets. Maxie tore open the little envelopes and put the diamonds in a little pile on the table. Pipy leaned over closer.

Maxie turned to Pipy and said, “No demonstrations of your art, Pipy boy. Don't let your fast fingers play tricks, or I break them off one by one. Okay?” Maxie gave me a wink. He began wrapping each stone individually in tissue paper. Pipy looked hurt.

“After all these years,” he said. “You know, Max, I wouldn't clip you.”

Maxie continued wrapping the stones and putting them in the little cotton bags.

“I just wanted to remind you, that's all.”

I helped Maxie get the bag with the genuine stones ready. We fixed up the zircons in the same way. I put both bags on the table.

I said, “Hey, Pip. Let's see how good you are, give us a demonstration.”

Pipy picked up the bag of imitations and left the real bag of diamonds on the table. He walked around nonchalantly, then walked slowly back to the table. He picked up a glass and put it down close to the bag of genuine diamonds. He sat down and smiled.

“Well? What the hell you waiting for?” Max asked, puzzled.

We all looked at Pipy. We, too, were puzzled.

“Okay,” Pipy replied, “they're switched.”

Incredulous, I examined the bag on the table.

“Goddamn,” I said admiringly. “How'd you do it?”

I looked again to make certain it was no mistake. Pipy had switched the phonies for the genuine. I repeated, “How did you do it?”

“Like this.” Pipy pushed an ashtray near the bag, flipped his cigar ashes in. There was an almost imperceptible flash of a hand and Pipy turned around and smiled. “Simple.”

Doubtfully Maxie walked over and looked in the bag. A look of respect came over his face. “You have developed into a real artist, Pipy boy.”

Pipy said proudly, “What did you think? Don't forget, I'm a soup school graduate.”

“Yeh,” Jake said sarcastically. “A graduate of Sing Sing, too.”

“And a post-graduate, too,” Goo-Goo cut in. “He's been up the river so many times, we call him showboat.”

Pipy snorted, “That's an old Joe Miller gag.”

We went back to our game. Pipy kept practising the switcheroo.

I was paying more attention to Pipy than to the card game. His long, deft fingers fascinated me. I have seen pickpockets and switch artists in action, but this Pip was a master. I was watching a superior craftsman in action.

They hung around until it was time for them to go to their appointment with Nutch at Oscar's flat on Fifty-first Street.

As they were leaving, Max said, “If you guys run into any trouble, call up. Well be waiting here until you get back. Make it a snappy deal.”

“There won't be no trouble. We can handle this Nutchy,” Jake spoke with confidence. They swaggered out.

Time passed. We were beginning to get slightly anxious. I took the whetstone out of the table drawer, spit on it, and began drawing my knife slowly back and forth across it. I had acquired the sure movements of a barber sharpening his razor. Cockeye took out his harmonica and played “We took Bennie for a ride in the country.” Patsy took out his rod. He had a ridiculous habit of wiping each bullet carefully with his fresh handkerchief. Maxie paced up and down, puffing on a cigar.

Patsy looked up from what he was doing and growled, “Maybe we should have gone along with them.”

“Jake, Pip and Goo-Goo can take care of themselves,” I said.

“We'll wait another twenty minutes, then we'll take a look-see,” Max said.

Thirty minutes passed. I was just about to say to Max, “How about it,” when they walked jauntily in, wreathed in smiles. You didn't have to be a mind reader to realize that everything had gone according to plan.

Jake sang out, “It was a pip for Pipy. Even we didn't see when he did it.”

“It was nothing at all,” Pipy waved his hand airily. “It was as easy as giving five bucks to a two-buck whore. I took the McCoy out,” Pipy continued. “Nutchy looked at them, whistled and said, 'Some sparklers.' Then he took them in the rear bedroom. I guess Oscar, the fence, was in there. We heard some whispering. Then Nutchy comes out without the bag and says, 'Okay. I give you guys fifteen grand!' I make out like I'm sore. I say, 'Give me the rocks back, bastard, we agreed on twenty grand.' Nutchy says, 'Don't get sore, Pip, I was only trying. You know business is business.' Then Jake grabbed Nutchy by the throat and says, 'That's shit for the birds. They go for it, not me. You bring the rocks back. Then we talk.' So Nutchy runs in the bedroom, scared as hell, gets the rocks, and puts the bag on the table. I bend over to look in the bag. That's when I did the switcheroo. He finally shells out the twenty grand, and we take a powder.”

Pipy tossed the bag and the twenty grand on the table. Maxie picked up the bag to examine the contents. He nodded his head with satisfaction. He counted the money. He smiled.

“Twenty grand is correct. I knew you guys had the character for a job like this.”

He peeled off six grand and handed them two grand apiece.

He asked, “How's this, okay?” Jake, Pipy and Goo-Goo acted overcome with delight.

“That's sure swell, Max,” Pipy said.

“One thing, Max. I laid out a buck and a half for a hack to get down here,” Jake said it with an embarrassed smile.

“Okay, Jakie boy, with you I see business is business.” Max chuckled and tossed Jake an extra C note. He said, “Buy your kids some charlotte russes.”

Jake pocketed the money with a happy grin.

We had a few rounds of doubles. Then they said “So long” and left. We began a game of Greek rummy. Nobody had his mind on it. We played listlessly.

I yawned and said, “How about a little relaxation for us tired businessmen?”

“Okay by me,” Max said. “What will it be?”

“How about Eddie's Hotel with hot and cold running blond maid service?” Cockeye asked eagerly. “You know, a little party to celebrate.”

“I could depend on you to ask for that,” Max smiled. He called out to Fat Moe. “If anything important comes up, contact us at Eddie's Place.”

We threw our cards on the table and drove to Eddie's Hotel. First Max put the diamonds back in our compartment in the hotel safe. Then we went upstairs to make ourselves comfortable while Eddie and Max made arrangements for the party.

Next day when we walked into the back room, Moe called out, “I got about ten calls last night one right after the other from the same party. He wouldn't leave his name, only his phone number. He said it was very important. You better call him right up.”

Maxie looked doubtfully at the number and said, “I wonder who the bum is? Who the hell could have given him our phone number? Call him, Cockeye.”

Cockeye went over to the phone.

Max said, “Why didn't you contact us at Eddie's last night?”

“The guy wouldn't state his business so I didn't want to bother you guys,” Fat Moe replied.

Cockeye came back to the table shrugging his shoulders. “The guy I just spoke to said he called the boss at Hot Springs and got our number. He's got a 'guest' he has to get rid of and he wants to get rid of him, bad. He said to call the boss if we wanted to verify.”

“Did he give his name?” Max asked.

“No. Only his address on West Fifty-first Street, apartment 4D. He said to please come right away, the guest is beginning to smell a little ripe already.”

Max and I exchanged startled glances.