The Heart (29 page)

“Okay, your sister is officially losing her shit,” my mother said with a laugh. “Dean and I are working on a plan to get her out of this building so she doesn’t make a bad first impression on her new staff tomorrow. But before we execute ‘project remove crazy Dallas’ from the premises, tell me, baby, why are you panicked?”

“I had an incredibly bad day,” I said as I looked at the entrance for Jack’s return and came up empty.

“Okay, anything else?” My mother followed my eyes, and I was instantly thankful he hadn’t come. I’d gone completely irrational again, and I didn’t know if I’d just pushed Jack away by letting my emotions get the best of me. I recognized the behavior. I knew it wasn’t healthy, and still I couldn’t keep from letting it take over. I began to break down in front of my mother.

“Rose?”

“What?”

“You’re shaking,” my mother said, pulling me to her. “What’s going on?”

“Mom,” I croaked as my whole body went numb. I kept looking at the entrance for Jack, who wasn’t there. Fear covered me and I broke out in a cold sweat, unable to answer her. She gripped me tightly to her as she yelled for my father. Just as he raced through the door with panic covering his features, everything went black.

I heard my mother’s tear-filled voice as she spoke to Dallas.

“Her vitals are fine, Mom. She’s coming to now,” she said, looking down at me with a worried smile. “Hey, sis, talk to me. What’s your favorite song?”

“Jack?” I said in a whisper.

“He’s in New Orleans,” she whispered back. “What’s your last name?”

“I want to go home,” I insisted in an attempt to sit up.

“Lay down, little woman,” my father barked without apology. I stayed put. When my father used that tone, there was no arguing with him.

“Okay, sis, answer the question and I’ll get you home.”

I nodded, humiliated that I didn’t have better control of myself.

“What caused the attack?”

I thought quickly, despite my reeling senses. I didn’t want to have to explain myself further. “Highway accident.”

Dallas nodded and shared a knowing look with my mom.

“Where are you?”

“The Grant Foster Cancer Treatment Center.” The tears fell freely down my face as I croaked out the answer and the truth of what lay behind my fear. I didn’t want to experience the same fate with Jack. I was terrified of losing him, and irrational about it. And the longer it took him to return, the more I was sure he was probably trying to think of a way to let me down, and more importantly, a way of saving face in front of my father. I made the decision then to make it easy on him. For years after Grant’s death, I’d managed to keep it together both professionally, and for the most part, personally. I’d fought months of similar panic attacks and come through it, but the way I felt as my family stared on at me and I answered their questions was enough to make me realize I couldn’t handle the feelings I had.

“It was just a bad day,” I said as they sat me up. “Honestly, I felt it coming on, and I should have worked through it instead of pretending I was okay. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Don’t worry about us,” Dallas said as she gave me a disbelieving once over. Dallas had worked with me through a few attacks I’d had after Grant’s death. As they helped me to my feet, I couldn’t help but hug her a little longer. She held me tightly to her and dismissed my parents, who were not pleased.

“I’m just going to take her to a patient room and thoroughly check her out,” Dallas said, walking me out of the arboretum. I mentally thanked her.

I looked back at my parents and gave them a reassuring smile. My mother returned it while my father looked on with concern. The only way he would start to feel better is if I looked better. I knew that about him. His family was his life, and only when his children were at ease did he truly allow himself to function. I resented my inability to keep it together at that moment.

“We’ll be here, little woman.”

“I know, Daddy. I’m okay, really.” Dallas walked me into an examination room and closed the door behind her before sitting me down on the table. Dean knocked on the door shortly after and inquired about me. I saw him peek over Dallas’s shoulder, deep worry etched on his face.

“You okay?”

“I am, brother, thank you,” I said as more guilt covered me.

“Can you get me a cold bottle of juice, any kind?” Dallas asked of her husband.

“Sure, baby,” Dean said as he quickly moved out of sight. Once the juice was delivered, Dallas again shut the door and handed me the bottle, forcing me to drink a good amount of it.

“What happened?”

“I’m falling for Jack,” I said simply.

Dallas’s shocked expression quickly turned into a warm smile, and I snubbed it out with my next statement. “It’s not progress. I’m backsliding because of it.” She waited while I came clean. “He gave me a ride home from work on the back of his bike and we passed a fatal car crash. I got so damned scared, I freaked out on him and demanded he get rid of his motorcycle. And it wasn’t the first time. He probably thinks I’m crazy and is halfway home by now.”

“Okay, so explain it to him.”

“He doesn’t know...about Grant.”

A surprised look covered her features. “You haven’t told him yet? Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do,” she said, taking a seat next to me.

“Because I still love him, Dallas. I still love Grant,” I argued.

She nodded as she grabbed my hand. “And you always will, baby, always.”

“I just wanted Jack kept separate.”

Dallas looked at me thoughtfully before she spoke. “You have the biggest and the most loyal heart of anyone I’ve ever known. It’s what I love about you. But, Rose, you can’t limit yourself anymore. You both need and deserve more.”

“I think I scared him away, anyway,” I said.

“I doubt that’s true. He’s probably confused. Your reactions are justified. Just tell him.”

“And say what? Hey, Jack, I’m sorry I keep freaking out on you. My ex died in a car crash a week before our wedding and I’m terrified you’ll die too?”

“It’s a start,” Dallas said with conviction. “Anyone would be sympathetic to that reasoning.”

“Exactly, I don’t want that from him.”

“What’s so wrong with a little sympathy? It happened to you, it was horrible, your life changed drastically. It’s a part of who you are, and he deserves to know.”

“There’s nothing you can say right now that I haven’t already thought of. But, Dallas, as easy as it is to dole out advice, you have no idea what this is like, and as much as I want to be strong and capable, it’s not working out that way. It’s just not. I’m handling it like shit, and as much as I want to, I can’t just turn it around or
solve
this.”

“So you work through it with Jack. I can’t believe he doesn’t know,” Dallas said, slightly exasperated. “Mom and Dad never told him?”

“Guess not.” I shrugged.

“Well, you made it clear enough to everyone after he died that you didn’t want to hear from anybody.” I heard the slight resentment in her voice due to the space I put between us in the months that followed Grant’s death. She was there for me at every turn and after a few months of relying on her heavily, I’d pushed her away, along with the rest of my family, to find my footing. I refused to feel guilty about it even now because it was totally necessary in my opinion. It was only now that I saw how much it bothered her.

I studied Dallas, who was already handling far more than her fair share of responsibility, and shrugged off the last few hours. “I had a panic attack. It’s not the end of the world.”

“Look, I can handle tomorrow. Why don’t you just—”

“Don’t, I need sleep. I’ll get a few hours, do some prep, and I’ll be here bright and early. Don’t decide anything for me. I’m not an invalid,” I said with aggression. “I don’t want to be a stranger to my staff.”

“I love you,” Dallas said pointedly. “But just let me say something else, okay?”

I nodded and braced myself. Dallas was anything but subtle.

“He’s a good man, and you aren’t the only one in love with him. Your family is pretty smitten with him, too. And you know how Dad feels about him. We’ve all grown used to having him around. He’s good people, Rose, and he’s done nothing but help us. I will always side with you, always, but before you go and do something to break all of our hearts, really think about it.”

“Okay,” I said, defeated. “Don’t tell them about Jack.”

“You’ve been keeping a lot of secrets lately.”

“And they are mine to keep,” I snapped.

“Stop it,” she snapped back. “I’m not your enemy. I’m just saying a bunch of shit you don’t want to hear.” She pulled me tightly to her and held me until I held her back.

“I love you, too.”

Dallas pulled away. “You good?”

“Yeah, I’m just going to go sleep for a few hours.”

“Good, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Dallas opened the door, and I couldn’t help but to look around for Jack, who was still missing. I made my way home and glanced at my phone in hopes of word from him. My heart sank further as he remained silent. Feet heavy and completely drained, I paused when I saw a tow truck in my yard.

A short, balding man was looking through my window as he knocked on my back door.

“Can I help you?”

He turned around, slightly confused as he looked at me. He must have been sure someone was home with my SUV parked in the yard. “You live here?”

“Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

“I... uh,” the man stalled in his words and slowly approached me from the porch. “I’m from Whitey’s tow yard.”

“Okay,” I said, utterly confused. He seemed extremely uneasy as his eyes darted around me.

“We, uh, well, we’ve been clearing out our junk lot for the past few months, and I’m the one responsible for making sure the vehicles are clear of personal items, scraps, things of that nature, and, well, I found this a few days ago,” he said, thrusting a bag toward me. I studied it, confused. It was a gift bag covered in candy canes. I looked at the man, still clueless, until I opened the bag and pulled out a stethoscope.

“It was stuffed under the seat of a Ford F-150.”

Realization struck as I inhaled deeply and felt my heart crack in my chest as I looked at the inscription on the bottom of the metal.

Dr. Foster

Instant tears disbursed down my cheeks as the man rambled on, both apologetic and full of excuses. “It took a little digging to find this address, and I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do, but, I... well, ma’am, I was there that night, at the scene of the accident, and I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you,” I said in a robotic answer.

“I just couldn’t bring myself to throw it away, and I—”

“I understand, thank you,” I said as I gripped the stethoscope in equal measure of shock and devastation.

The man started rambling again, and I made quick work of letting him out of the uncomfortable situation.

“Thank you. Really, you did the right thing,” I said hoarsely.

“Again, ma’am, I’m sorry for your loss,” he said as he excused himself and jumped into his truck. I watched him pull away and stood motionless as I willed myself to remain calm. Stethoscope in hand, I walked into my room and fell into bed in a heap. Minutes later, I cleared the bag of the tissue paper and searched for the note I’d seen sitting next to it before I discovered who it was from.

I opened the paper as I braced myself. I studied the first piece and recognized my own handwriting.

I didn’t recall when I wrote it, but it was obvious I was practicing my signature for when I became a doctor. I studied it closely and realized I had been questioning whether or not I would be a single or a married doctor. I held the stethoscope to my chest as I opened the second piece of paper and gasped as I saw Grant’s writing.