The Girl With Death Breath and Other Naughty Stories for Good Boys and Girls (2 page)

The Dyers never seemed to have any money as it was. Their house looked as if it was falling down around their ears, and their car had had it. Plus the girls could never afford things like movies or lollies and they always had to wear their neighbour's hand-me-downs. Not that they complained about it. Why make things worse?

Mr Dyer had often said,‘Who knows what we'd do if I lost this job?' Secretly, Penny and Michelle knew exactly what they'd do. Earn some money themselves, to help out. But they'd never tell their dad. It would probably hurt his feelings.

So, that night, Penny and Michelle lay in their bunks, and talked and talked and talked. Penny had heard on the radio that a man had become a millionaire by finding bits of old junk, fixing them up and selling them. Simple as that.

‘Excellent,' said Michelle. ‘I've always wanted to be a millionaire.'

Every few months in the area where they lived, there was a special day when people threw out all their old stuff that didn't normally go in a rubbish bin. Things like old toys, old prams, tyres, bits of tin, boxes and stuff – you name it.

If you looked hard enough, you could usually find just about anything. People would leave all the old stuff out on a Sunday, and by Monday afternoon it would all be gone, collected by people from the council in big trucks.

Luckily, a throw-out day was coming up the very next afternoon. By the time the sun was starting to rise, Michelle could hardly contain herself. ‘Imagine,' she said, getting really excited, ‘by this time tomorrow we'll be millionaires.'

‘I don't think it's quite that easy,' said Penny with a yawn, ‘but we'll certainly give it a try. What we need to do is catch a bus to one of the really rich areas because their junk will be the best.'

‘Catch a bus? By ourselves!' said Michelle. ‘Mum would kill us.'

‘Not if she doesn't know,' said Penny.

So later that morning, Penny and Michelle ended up walking down a leafy street past some of the biggest houses you could ever imagine. And Penny was right. Out on the nature strips stood piles of the most beautiful rubbish the girls had ever seen.Toys, furniture, electrical stuff. Everything. The first thing to really catch Penny's eye was an old ten-pin bowling ball.

‘Look at this!' yelled Penny. ‘Fill in these cracks with chewy or something and it's as good as new. And look! False teeth! They're worth heaps, aren't they?'

The girls found stacks of stuff. They used an old wheelbarrow to carry everything – toys, plates, even a blanket with fewer holes than the ones they had at home.

‘No way we're selling this,' said Penny. ‘Give it to Mum. Remember how cold she got last winter?'

They also found a fan that probably didn't work, but who knew, maybe if they hit it with a hammer a couple of times it'd come good. And a toilet brush that looked pretty good, although Michelle thought they should come back for it later in case they found a better one.

And then they saw it. Neither of them could believe their eyes. A huge television set! Michelle and Penny's family hadn't had a TV since the old one blew and, in Michelle's eyes, here was half a million bucks just waiting to be carried away.

‘Do you think it still works?' Penny whispered in awe.

‘Yes, it does,' said a lady's voice from behind. The girls got such a fright they almost jumped out of their skins.

‘Sorry,' said Penny, ‘we just –'

‘No need to be sorry,' said the lady. ‘It looks like you've got quite the haul there!'

When Penny explained how they were going to be millionaires to help out their dad, the lady almost cried.

‘Well,' she said, ‘there's nothing that pleases me more than people showing some courage. People trying their best. How about I ask my husband to put the trailer on the car and I give you a lift with all of this stuff?'

‘I don't want to sound rude or anything,' said Penny, ‘but Mum and Dad always say not to get into cars with people we don't know.'

‘And very good advice it is, too,' said the lady. ‘Silly of me not to think. What if you tell me where your place is, and I'll just take the stuff for you? Oh, and if you'd like to give me your telephone number, I think I might have a few more things I could give you to sell.'

‘Radical,' said Penny. ‘We haven't got a phone at the moment but the shop at the end of the street will usually take messages for us.'

‘That sounds fine,' said the lady. ‘My name's Carmel, by the way.'

‘Nice to meet you,' the girls said.

The lady dropped all the stuff at a park near the girls' house, and by that afternoon the girls had their shop all set up. Guess how many things they sold?

None.
Not one.
They had never been so disappointed in all their lives.

‘Isn't anyone using false teeth anymore?' asked Penny. ‘I can't believe it. Still, at least we get to keep the TV for ourselves.'

‘What do we do now?' wondered Michelle. ‘Leave the whole lot here, I suppose,' said Penny. ‘Let the council pick it up in the morning.'

As the girls trudged into their house, they were most surprised to hear the sound of laughter.

‘You'll never guess,' squealed their mum. ‘Your dad's got a job. A really good one.With better pay and everything.'

‘Mum, that's so fantastic,' said Penny.

‘Who with?'

‘With a lady called Carmel, doing repairs and odd jobs and gardening,' said her mum. ‘It's unbelievable. Apparently she'd heard what a good worker your father is and how he's really keen on gardening, and she just rang up the shop and offered him a job.'

‘How terrific,' said the girls, looking at each other. Although, of course, they would never tell that they knew who the lady was.

Whether their dad knew their secret, the girls never found out. But he did spend a chunk of his first paycheck on two beautiful new dresses.

Bulldog Brown was tough. Very tough. If he told you to nick off, you wouldn't hang around to ask why. If he punched you – which was often – you'd say, ‘Good hit, Bulldog.'

I didn't like him. Not at all. Not because he was tough – someone is always going to be the toughest in every school. It was because he picked on the little kids. And I hated that.

It was when Bulldog belted up my brother Robbie that did it. No-one hits my little brother! Except me, of course, but that's different. I have to put up with him all the time.

Yes, Bulldog was a bully. It was time to teach him a lesson. I asked my mate, Nicholas Rowney, ‘How can we get Bulldog? How can we fix him up so he'll never hurt anyone again?'

Nick wasn't too sure but he agreed that something definitely had to be done.

‘The first step,' said Nick, ‘would be to get the old Underground Cubby Club back together again. We used to be able to fix anything!'

What an excellent idea,
I thought. I'm surprised I didn't think of it myself.

The Underground Cubby Club was a group of eight kids. We built the most excellent underground cubby you could ever imagine. There were secret entrances, secret chambers, secret everything. In fact, I'm really not allowed to tell you too much about it. Gee, we had some fun.

But it all ended when the land on top of the cubby was bulldozed for houses. Once the cubby was gone, somehow the club went too. I sometimes get drips in my eyes when I think about it.

Do you know the thing I remember most? The smell of the dirt. It was almost sweet. Somehow it used to make me excited. Sort of nervous. I suppose it's because we had so many excellent times.

The other thing I remember best had to do with smell.Yes, you guessed it. Somehow we never got tired of laughing when someone let one go underground. Especially Anne Turnbridge. She'd do these absolute stinkers. And then block the entrance.

So you can imagine how excited we were to get the old gang back together again. We met in Dean Lipton's shed, which was so dark you could almost imagine we were back in the cubby. And when Anne Turnbridge did this real hummer it was as if nothing had changed at all.

We lit some candles and explained the problem. Good ideas came thick and fast, but none was exactly what we were looking for. Dean suggested we put doggy doos in Bulldog's sandwich, but Robbie said he wouldn't know the difference.

Rick said we should climb onto the school roof and drop a brick on his head, but Anne said that would just make Bulldog madder. Anyway, hurting people is what we were trying to stop.

And then the perfect idea came. Robbie thought of it. My brother.

Rob was one of those kids who was a really good thinker. He used to think all the time. And sooner or later he would think of something fantastic.

Although I bash Rob up a fair bit, I really love him. Not that I'd ever tell him that, of course.

Rob's idea also involved doggy doos, but not in sandwiches.

‘What we have to do,' said Rob, ‘is make Bulldog feel like a nerd in front of the whole school. You see, when Bulldog hits you it hurts, for sure, but I reckon the worst thing is feeling like a nerd because you're too scared to hit back. Humiliated, my dad would say.'

‘Let's stick to
nerd
,' said the other kids.

‘So,' said Rob, ‘if we can make Bulldog feel like we feel, then maybe he won't like it either.'

Makes sense, thought everyone.

‘This is what we'll do,' said Rob. ‘Each morning, we'll rub just a little bit of doggy doos into Bulldog's bike seat. Sometimes he wears those favourite shorts of his – you know, the daggy ones – three or four days in a row. By the fourth day, things should be looking fairly ugly and that's when we'll get him.'

‘How do you mean?' asked the other kids.

‘I'll take care of it,' said Rob. ‘Wait and see.'

Rob always liked to make us wait and see with his good ideas. It made him excited.

Well, we waited. And waited. For almost a week! But we trusted Rob. And finally the day arrived. It was a hot morning. Really hot. Bulldog arrived wearing his daggy shorts for the fifth day in a row and chucked his bike on the ground. He told Rob to pick it up and put it against the wall for him or he'd punch him out.

‘No worries, Bulldog,' said Rob. By the smile on Rob's face I could tell this was the day.

We turned up at morning assembly and then Rob started whispering to the kid in front of him. Soon everyone was whispering. And holding their noses. The sun beat down and the whispering got louder.

‘What's going on?' yelled Mr Watson.

‘Excuse me, sir,' said Rob, ‘but there's a terrible smell and I think I know where it's coming from.'

‘And where might that be?' asked Mr Watson.

‘From Bulldog, sir,' said Rob.

‘How dare you!' shouted Mr Watson.

Kids were busting to laugh but they were too scared of Mr Watson.

‘Stand over there facing the wall!' he screamed.

And that should have been the end of it, except Mr Watson started to think that maybe he could smell something too. He sniffed and thought and sniffed again.

Finally it got the better of him and he asked Bulldog to turn around. He looked closely then stepped back in disgust.

‘Bulldog, I'm afraid you've had an accident,' said Mr Watson.

Well, you should have heard the laughter. Some kids laughed so much they started rolling on the ground. Even Mr Watson couldn't help a grin.