The Girl Code (8 page)
Notable Shopping List Items Include:
Lighting fixtures that you can't put up by yourself, Pieces of furniture from stores that won't deliver, Drills, hammers, screw guns, and other manly items he wants to buy anyway, Expensive kitchen appliances that you keep borrowing from married friends.
In His Defense:
“It's not that he didn't do any planning; I've needed to spackle the bathroom forever, so I asked for an off-the-shopping-list love token.”
PHONED IT IN
When your lover didn't put any thought or care into your gift, and at the last second sent over a cheesy flower arrangement or any other one-size-fits-all-women gift, hoping you wouldn't notice.
Particularly Insulting Twists Include:
Receiving the same mail-order scarf/teddy bear/whatever that he gave his mom last year,
Carnations of any kind, or any color, even if real flowers surround them,
Those flower arrangements that go for a reduced rate because they're going to die in two hours,
Recognizing his assistant's handwriting on the card.
As a Retaliation:
“He can kiss my ass for his birthday, ‘cause he totally phoned it in on mine.”
TRAINING WHEELS
What look like 1-to 2-karat diamond studs that are given to you by a family member with poor taste or bought, in desperation, for yourself. In reality, they are the sadness stone: cubic zirconium.
Reasons to Have Them:
It's important to practice with training wheels to get better at the real thing,
It worked when you were five and really wanted a ten-speed,
It keeps a birthday gift suggestion directly in his line of sight,
Flaunt ‘em if you got ‘em and fake it if you don't, sister.
As an Object of Desire:
“No, they're actually just training wheels, but feel free to upgrade me at any time.”
LATE FEES
The penalty automatically applied when your significant other makes you feel insignificant by forgetting your birthday or anniversary. Gifts received post–event day must automatically double in value.
Enforcement Tactics Include:
Simply asking for the credit card,
Heading immediately to the most overpriced store in town,
Showing up at his office with several fabulous items and asking which one he wants to buy for you,
Giving him the number where you can be reached on the island you'll be visiting next weekend.
As an Object of Need:
“It's okay, honey, I know you love me, and the jeweler we're meeting tomorrow knows the late fees will apply.”
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens.”
—HELEN KELLER
OUT OF THE CAR
When it's almost done, but not done yet, and you start warming yourself up to the idea of your life without him…he's out of the car. Girl, it will be okay, just shut the door behind him.
Things to Remember:
All the stuff you haven't had time to do lately,
The things you never really liked about him,
That other guy you liked and tried to ignore,
Everything happens for a reason.
As a Resolution:
“Forget about it; I'm not putting up with this crap anymore—he's out of the car!”
ON THE CURB
When it's really done and he's so far out of the car, that he's out the door and on the street. You, my friend, are driving away and waving to his ass sittin’ on the curb. This is the time to roll up the windows, turn on the radio, and step on the gas.
Just Keep Telling Yourself:
You never have to make this mistake again,
Every wrong guy gets you one step closer to the right one,
The biggest sin in life is choosing unhappiness,
One day he'll be a funny anecdote to laugh about with your girlfriends.
As a Daily Mantra:
“He's on the curb, and I have a green light to proceed full speed ahead.”
SELF-SABOTAGE
A self-destruct mechanism usually tripped when your guy is okay but your self-esteem is not. A woman will kill a relationship just to prove she is unworthy of it. It's time to stop setting up those “imaginary windows” that are too small for him to crawl through just so you can slam them shut on yourself.
Symptoms to Look Out for:
Never being satisfied,
Relying on him to supply your happiness,
Feelings of overwhelming jealousy, fear, and anger,
Never finding the time to deal with all that “baggage” you keep carting around.
As an Opening Line When Meeting Your Therapist:
“It's really not his fault, we just had our three-month anniversary, and my self-sabotage alarm went off to destroy the whole deal.”
A DISPLACEMENT ROMANCE
When your affections for one man are displaced right into the hands of another. This is when one relationship breeds the next. This is not an ideal place to start a new relationship, but an easy way to get out of your last.
What You Should Beware of:
Not facing the fact you screwed up the last one,
Simply making this relationship an extension of the other,
Giving yourself too much crap about being involved again so soon,
Thinking you have a realistic chance here.
As a Concession:
“Yes, honey, it was a displacement romance, but this is when I was most ready for you.”
WOMB MODE
Occurs immediately after a breakup. Characterized by a compulsion to lay on your couch in a fetal position and the illogical desire to crawl back where you came from and make all this go away. But if Momma can get through labor, you can get through this. (Refer to Raw Cookie Dough Time for additional help.)
Things to Stay Away from:
Listening to the radio—those love songs are not about you,
Visiting your old hangouts—they will only dramatize the pain,
Watching too much TV—this can cause emotional cancer,
The ex himself (self-explanatory).
As a Cry of Self-Pity:
“No, I'm just going to stay home; I'm in womb mode. Call me in a week.”
GIRL PATROL
When your girlfriend is in the dumps because her man left her there, and you step up to the plate to take her out on the town where she belongs. Remember the importance of karma: You may need someone to do this for you one day.
What to Do with Your Friend:
Take her to lunch with that otherwise unacceptable guy who has a crush on her,
Vehemently diss her ex (if you're absolutely sure he's not coming back),
Go out dancing at a nightclub and make sure she only drinks water,
Put her in that wet T-shirt contest she secretly dreams of and boo the other contestants mercilessly.
As an Explanation:
“No, John, I'm not cheating on you, my roommate's been dumped and I'm on girl patrol tonight.”
CRYING WOLF
When you've broken up and gotten back together with him so often that your girlfriends refuse to hear about it anymore. Now you're going to have to get out of this relationship all by yourself, or make some new friends who don't realize that this is just a game you like to play.
Some Obvious Reasons to Get Out:
Your friends are all wondering what the hell is wrong with you,
If he was worth sticking around for in the first place, this vicious cycle would never have started,
Every moment you spend with the wrong guy is the opportunity missed to meet the right guy,
He's not the only man in town who's good in bed.
As a Call Out on the Carpet:
“That song about ‘the best part of breaking up is when you're making up’ wasn't referring to crying wolf…she meant once!”
HUNGRY RABBIT
When you dump the guy you've been looking to discard for a while, and the sick bastard won't give up. Be careful, girlfriend: Incessant phone calls, unceasing flowers, and lovesick letters actually work on chicks.