The Girl Code (12 page)
IT'S NOT A EULOGY
In recent years, maids of honor have started giving toasts at receptions and have subsequently been screwing it up as much as the best men ever did.
Handy Tip:
Keep in mind that Nana doesn't need to know little details like how many people the bride slept with before this fool, when this couple really consummated their relationship, or insider bets on when the divorce will be. Keep it light and fluffy, girls.
STRIP-CLUB TRYOUTS
The dance floor at a wedding reception is not boogie wonderland. You're in a dress, act like a lady.
DID YOU NOTICE THE COCKTAIL RECEPTION ALSO SERVES FOOD?
Pacing your liquor intake at weddings is key to remaining friends with the couple afterward. Most people getting married these days are over twenty-one years old; you should know how to drink by now. Too much liquid and not enough substance will have you passing out on Aunt Peggy or Uncle Joe.
PINK TAFFETA PUNCHES
The tossing of the bouquet is not a championship face-off of single women. And very likely, the woman you body-check will be standing next to you at next year's wedding, too. It's just a ritual, not a rite of passage…let it go.
BEAR TRAPS
When you are about to hook up with a groomsman early on at the event, ask yourself a few important questions before proceeding.
For instance:
Do you have a date coming later who will surely find out? Does he have a date coming later who may endanger your ridiculous bridesmaid hairdo?
And more to the point:
Is he hot enough to do it anyway?
KEEP YOUR DRESS ON HERE!
Number one thing to keep in mind: DO NOT HOOK UP IN THE WEDDING SUITE.
Not in the bathroom, not in the chair, not on the floor, and, dear Lord, not in the bed. Not even if the wedding is your sister's, your best friend's, or even your mother's.
And while you're at it:
Stay out of the limos, too.
“Men are like buses…you sit at the stop long enough and another one comes along—but girlfriends are like Maseratis: few and far between.”
—D.F.
GIRLFRIENDS ARE THICKER THAN BOYFRIENDS
There is NEVER EVER any good reason to get involved with your friend's boyfriend. Just as oil is thicker than water, and the two don't mix well, the same goes for a friendship with her and crossing the line with him. This is the essence of being a girl's girl.
The song was wrong
…stand by
your friend.
NOSE PICKING
Remember the old saying “It's okay to pick your nose, and it's okay for your friend to pick her nose, but it's not okay to pick,…” the same applies here:
You can date your old boyfriend's friend,
but you can never date your friend's old boyfriend.
No matter when they broke up, stay away.
Remember:
He may not still be hers in fact, but he should always be lifers in anecdote.
DON'T SHOP IN OTHER PEOPLE'S CLOSETS
Say you meet a man and he likes you but has some girlfriend that you don't know and probably never will: there is still no reason to go there.
First of all:
If he really liked you, he would free himself from her before pursuing you.
Second:
If he'll cheat on her, he'll probably cheat on you.
Third:
He believes the same of you.
Last but not least:
Karma is a real and powerful thing that doesn't only exist in Tibet.
IN-CASE-OF-EMERGENCY BOYFRIEND
This is that guy friend of yours who you secretly know is just waiting around for the day you give up on the dating scene and just date him….because he's sure if you gave him a chance, you could actually like him “that way.” You know you will never like him “that way”—why screw up the friendship?
IN-CASE-OF-EMERGENCY HUSBAND
This is a different guy friend of yours, with whom you share an unspoken pact that if both of you get to a “certain age” and neither of you has found someone, that you'll just marry each other. Yeah, that's a healthy idea.
CLEARANCE-RACK SPECIALS
This is the guy you dated years ago who checks in every so often to see if you're finally ready to settle for his crap. Usually, he also has the gumption to tell you that his crap hasn't changed, but it's still on sale for you, at the same special rate. What a bargain!
THE FAG HAG PHILOSOPHY
This is the gay guy you are secretly in love with that you sit around waiting for the day he suddenly wakes up and realizes he can't be gay because you're so damn fabulous for him! Yeah right, that might happen.
KNOW YOUR RATIO
When you've been dating the same man for a while and need to decide when to pay, employ this ratio:
Struggling artist or college student: He pays for one and you pay for one.
Between twenty-two and twenty-eight years old and wears a suit: He pays for three and you pay for one.
Anyone over thirty who's not in recovery:
He pays for five and you pay for one.
Anyone more than eight years your senior or over forty: He pays.
DOUBLES
Double dates were created for people who are bored of talking to each other. There's no need to bother with them until you have reached such a point. But when you get there…
Refrain from:
Excessive chatting with the other man at the table, Taking potshots at your date for the other couple's amusement, Relentlessly describing dietary needs or overwhelming the waitress by rewriting the menu.
YOUR TEAM
When you're out with your friends and bringing your man along, remember to:
Limit conversations about the old days when you were slutting around,
Make him feel as though he is wanted here,
Leave a little room for him to shine.
HIS TEAM
When you're out with his friends it is not a time to see how many shots you can do; nor should you:Wear leather,
Flirt with his guy friends,
Confide in his girlfriends (as they will report back to him),
Henpeck, dominate the conversation, or insist on paying.
BEGGING
If you are involved with a man who won't give you the commitment that you want dump him, kill him, or just get over it, but don't beg. It won't do you any good, and you ruin the reputations of all the rest of us.
“It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.”
—AGATHA CHRISTIE
THE WAITRESS TEST
On your first date with a man, go to dinner and watch how he treats the waitress.
Wanna know why?
Because in six months this is just how he will treat you. The waitress is a “given,” and she will try to appease him no matter how he treats her…which may one day apply to you.
Apply This Also to:
his mother, a cashier, the mechanic, and ex-lovers.
This does not apply to:
his dog—and don't be fooled by his display of loyalty here.
THE DOG TEST
Men will test you with their dogs, which they subconsciously consider an extension of their penises. Stroke it, pet it, play rough, and move on.
Never Ever:
Cuddle with it or talk baby talk to it…even if he does.
Also Refrain from:
buying toys for\he animal too early on; it's too obvious and your cover will be blown.
THE DOORBELL TEST
On your second or third date, ask him to pick you up at your home. If he stays in his car and honks, don't even think of leaving the house. You wait, like the debutante you are, until he rings the doorbell and presents himself, just like the days when they had to impress Mom and Dad.
Never stray from this because:
If you jump when he honks, you will one day jump when he barks (as in, “Bring me the chicken pot pie, bitch.”)