The Girl Code (6 page)
“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
—MAE WEST
THE EDDIE MONEY EXPERIENCE
When a person you are interested in merely looks at you for an extra-long moment, or perhaps holds your hand, or makes any other minor gesture in your direction, and your entire body shakes.
Necessary Reference:
Go back to your early-eighties collection of music and find “Shakin’” by Eddie Money.
As an Adjective:
“The opening credits of the movie hadn't even finished when he took my hand and I had the Eddie Money experience.”
REMNANTS
Those love tokens a man leaves on your body usually around your neck or shoulders that we called “hickeys” in junior high school. For the record: After eleventh grade, these are no longer cool.
Seriously, Girls:
Don't let anyone mark you as his territory,
You're allowed to make out now, so there's nothing to prove,
Evidence of any kind can only hurt you,
The neck is the wrong area of the body for him to be spending that much time on.
As a Woman Who's Been Had:
“He can't make it up here for graduation weekend, so he left these damn remnants all over me to make sure everyone knows I'm off-limits.”
ROLLING O'S
The wonderful (and, for most of us, unlikely) experience of multiple orgasms in one lovemaking session.
Usually Only Attained:
When you've had between one and three glasses of wine,
When it's between one and three A.M. or P.M.,
When you're with a partner that you just met, or
Someone you've really done your homework with.
As a Noun, Noun, Noun:
“Oh, I will never leave him—we're talkin’ rolling o's!”
WAR WOUNDS
These are the slight aches, pains, and little bruises that come from an exuberant encounter with the opposite sex. Injuries should not be permanent or require hospitalization but should bring a sideways smile to your face every time one of them acts up.
Hard-Core War Wounds May Include:
Scratches down the back,
Bruising and pinch marks down the arms and legs,
Bite marks and soreness around the chest and neck,
Rope burns, anywhere.
In the Shower to Yourself:
“What the hell?…Oh…[Laugh]…Ah, war wounds…[Laugh again]”
A FIRE-DRILL F**K
The insulting attempt of a man to leave his pants around one or both ankles while making love to you, for no apparent reason other than fear of a fire drill.
Best Course of Action to Take:
Feign headache,
Show dramatic signs of fatigue,
Explain that you are experiencing a “female problem” and can't participate,
Immediately tell the story of the best lover you ever had.
As a Verb:
“As soon as you started preparing for a fire-drill f**k, my head just started to pound—all I can hear are my mother's words about waiting.”
CEILING FRIGHT
When you wake up in the morning, open your eyes wide, and think, “OH MY GOD, this is not my ceiling!” (Usually followed by a look to the left…you find nothing familiar…a look to the right…you find him, vaguely familiar.)
Occurring Mostly:
At state colleges,
At private colleges,
All universities,
Right before the period of self-loathing.
As a Request:
“Can you please come pick me up? I've just had the worst case of ceiling fright and I don't think I can drive.”
“Do you love me because I'm beautiful or am I beautiful because you love me?”
—CINDERELLA
CIRCLE K
That special circle at the crown of the male's head where he begins losing his hair. Touch it with just one finger, and you will kill his self-esteem.
Best to Use if:
He orgasm s and you don't,
He forgets something that's important to you,
He checks out every woman who passes by,
He worries about your mother being overweight.
As an Equalizer:
“So ‘Barbie’ walks by us and he thinks he's cool because she winked at him—I told him how cute that was while lightly petting the circle k—that brought him right back to reality.”
RUG BURN
(Not what you're thinking.) When you've been making out with a man who didn't bother to shave, and you've kissed him for so long that the hair growth on his face has taken most of the skin off of yours.
This Is Particularly Hazardous:
If you have particularly delicate skin,
If you like southern European or Middle Eastern men,
If you have a job interview the next day,
If you are cheating on someone.
As a Lasting Memory:
“No, it's not a bad facial, it's just a little rug burn—and when you see the Greek god who gave it to me, you'll know why it was worth it.”
AFTERGLOW
(No, not what you're thinking either.) This occurs after a woman gets waxing or electrolysis to remove hair from parts of her body where polite society presumes she never had it. It looks particularly special above one's mouth.
Ranging from:
A slight pink hue around your brows or lip,
Chicken pox down your lower legs,
Temporary third-degree burn scars around your chin, breasts, or stomach…
All, depending on how genetically cursed you are.
As an Adjective:
“No, he doesn't beat me, I just have a little afterglow going today.”
SPROUTS
Those little gray hairs that you start finding that not only differ in color but in direction, too. They seem to sprout straight up from the top of your head, then curl out in every direction.
It Has Been Said:
It's better to cut them than to pull them,
It's better to color them with hair dye than to color them in with marker,
It's better to deal with them than to ignore them,
It's better to get over them now, ‘cause this is just the beginning.
As an Exasperation:
“As if I didn't have enough to be angry at my mother for, I'm only twenty-two and already I have sprouts!”
MIND THE GAP
Not only the distance between the train and the platform, this is also the distance between your head and the colored part of your hair. The gap between, which is your actual hair color, is not supposed to show. Go dye one section or the other.
Go Mind to It Before It's Too Obvious:
There's no point in changing to a new you if everyone can still see the old you,
Blondes (not used-to-be blondes) have more fun,
Highlights are supposed to start high,
Roots are supposed to stay below ground.
As an Appointment to Keep:
“I really have to mind the gap this weekend before the colors on my head look like an African flag.”
“you will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.”