The Ghosts of Blood and Innocence (22 page)

‘And now you have your moment. Come on, give me the best line.’

Galdra put his head to one side. ‘Ah, a breakthrough. You’re smiling. Smiles are not your best expressions. You are most at ease with sneers of withering contempt.’

‘And yet you adore me. How touching.’

Galdra’s expression became sober. ‘Pell, there’s something I want to say and it is this: you won’t break apart if you let go. You know what I mean. The love you and Cal have for one another is too strong. It’s safe. I’ve always known that. It seems strange to me that you don’t.’

Pellaz sat down on the grass, while Galdra remained standing. ‘I know it,’ Pellaz said. ‘I think you might be right – it’s something to do with a tiny flame of humanity inside me. I can never be totally Wraeththu like you. There are boundaries inside me you don’t have, which is why you can’t understand me. As a righteous and arrogant newly-incepted har, I thought I knew it all. I thought it would be simple to give of myself and to take, beyond the restrictions of petty jealousies and fears. Perhaps we were all idealistic like that, and our young philosophers infected us with the idea that we were different from how we’d been. But we weren’t different enough. We had yet to learn that only our sons could be truly free.’ He rubbed his hands over his face. ‘Sons… Only the truly doomed souls are condemned to be born into
my
family. It seems I’m forever losing them, in one way or another.’

‘We’ll get Loki back,’ Galdra said, hunkering down beside Pellaz. ‘I feel that we will.’

Pellaz nodded and for a while there was again silence between them; strangely, an easy silence. Then Pellaz said, ‘Galdra…’

‘What?’

‘Respect me, don’t swamp me.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I think you know. If you’re tempted to exact some kind of revenge, please don’t. I’ll do this with you, but it has to be for Loki, not for you. Do you understand?’

‘You mean you don’t want me to enjoy it? That might be difficult, for both of us. It doesn’t work that way. You know it.’

‘I didn’t mean that. Just don’t…
gloat
.’

Galdra expelled a short burst of laughter, but he didn’t sound amused. ‘Thanks!’

‘You were always good at gloating. Whenever I opened up to you, you puffed up with delight and smugness.’

‘Pellaz!’

‘Well, it’s true. The amount of gloating that would have gone on, should we have remained close after Cal came back, would have been unendurable.’

‘Seems like you’ve had your script waiting too,’ Galdra said dryly.

‘You got me when I was vulnerable. We were actually quite vile to one another. Pureborn, you’re not as emotionally adjusted as you like to believe.’

‘OK, I’ll accept that. Can we agree on the fact that physically we find each other irresistible?’

‘
Found
,’ Pellaz said. ‘If there is new ground, it starts here, not in the past.’

Chapter Twelve

Soft golden light spilled out over the white buildings of Immanion, into the dark blue night. In his apartment in Phaonica, Pellaz prepared himself as if for battle. Caeru came to the Tigron’s rooms, quietly sympathetic, talking about inconsequential things, but Cal kept away.

Pellaz sat before his mirror, which seemed dark and foggy. It was as if his image was fading away. ‘I should move rooms,’ he said abruptly.

‘What?’ Caeru laid a hand on top of Pell’s head. ‘Why?’

‘I’ve sat here too many times in my life, looking at my own face, before having to do something unpleasant. This place reeks of my own stupidity and mistakes.’

Caeru laughed. ‘Pell, what you’re about to do…
unpleasant
?’

‘Cal should be here. He should be part of it. He says he’s fine with all this, but he isn’t here.’ Pellaz sighed. ‘Nothing unusual about that, I suppose! He’s never here when I need him.’

‘He isn’t here for your sake,’ Caeru said carefully.

‘You’ve discussed it with him?’

‘Er…’ Caeru appeared shifty. ‘Yes.’

Pellaz expelled a bitter laugh. ‘You must feel this is all quite ironic. The way things end up. One of the times I sat here cursing was the day I bonded in blood with you.’

Caeru withdrew his hand, and his voice became cold. ‘Is there any har in this world, with whom you’ve been intimate, who you haven’t resented? Have you ever taken aruna, with a har other than Cal, without regret? Sometimes, I think you’re more messed up than Cal ever was.’

‘Rue…’

‘And you can snipe at me all you like. The bullets bounce off now, trust me.’ He went to the wardrobe and pulled out some of Pell’s clothes. ‘Here, wear these. Black for mourning.’

Pellaz stood up, took the garments offered to him. ‘You’re right; I
am
a mess. If I was still human, I’d be more than halfway through my life, and yet I feel like an addled teenager. Black. Yes. Most appropriate.’ He took off his robe and began to dress.

Caeru folded his arms. ‘You know, half your problem has always been pride. It won’t make you any less of a har if you give in for once.’

‘It was your fault I ended up with Galdra in the first place.’

‘Probably, and it was the best thing for you. I have no regrets about that. For Aru’s sake, Pell, get a grip of yourself. It’s becoming tedious. Add self-pity to pride. Not a palatable dish.’ Caeru put his hands on Pell’s shoulders and leaned forward to kiss his brow. ‘Come on, get ready and go. It’s not that much of a trial.’

‘It
is
, Rue,’ Pellaz said. ‘Even if I was going to attempt this with you or Cal, it’d be a trial. I don’t think I can do what everyhar wants of me. Not any more. It’s nohar’s fault. It’s just what is.’

‘You can only try,’ Caeru said. ‘I will be with you in spirit, as will Cal. We are strong together now. We’ll help you.’

Pellaz pulled Caeru into his embrace. ‘Hold me for just a minute. I feel like I’m going to the scaffold.’

It had been agreed that Pellaz would meet with Galdra in the neutral territory of Tharmifex’s house. Tharmifex and his chesnari vacated the premises and gave their staff the night off. When Pellaz arrived, the house felt strange, too empty. Dim lamps in the entrance hall did little to dispel the heavy breath of night, and the scent of flowers from the garden outside was overpowering, as if the blooms themselves were aroused by what was to come. There was no moon in the sky, which seemed appropriate — times such as this should occur in the dark of the moon — but the stars were achingly bright.

Galdra
was sitting in the dark in the main salon, drinking costly wine that the Calvels had left out for the occasion. His hair was luminous in the starlight. Pellaz came silently into the room and stood at the threshold for a few moments. Galdra was so wrapped up in his thoughts, he didn’t realise somehar was watching him. He looked young and unsure of himself; an image he’d never betray consciously. The sight touched Pellaz, made him remember how much older he was than the har here waiting for him. This was a trial for Galdra too. He just didn’t want to admit it. Pellaz moved the door a little to make a noise and Galdra’s mask of confidence slipped back over his face. He straightened his spine, as if bracing himself for conflict.

‘We should be honored,’ Pellaz said lightly. He walked across the room. ‘Tharmifex is notoriously mean with his wines. He goes to great trouble to import them from every obscure corner of the world and consumes them greedily in private. I doubt his chesnari even gets a taste.’

‘Well, he did leave only one bottle.’ Galdra risked a smile.

‘Fortunately, I know the cellar is never locked,’ Pellaz said. ‘And I dare him to complain if we take more.’

‘Will it help if you’re drunk?’

Pellaz sat down on the couch two feet away from Galdra and poured himself a drink. ‘It always helps if I’m drunk!’ He took a sip and was taken back instantly to the time in Imbrilim, when he’d met secretly with Galdra at one of the inns. They’d drunk red wine then, too. ‘This taste reminds me of you.’

Galdra was silent.

Pellaz scraped a hand through his hair. ‘There’s no guarantee this will work. I wonder whether Lileem is lost to us. That realm she inhabits, it’s a dangerous place. It guards its inhabitants jealously.’

‘We visited the dehara, Pell,’ Galdra said. ‘What we saw… experienced… I can hardly believe it happened. I too wonder what will happen now. It’s as if the planets aren’t in the right alignment or something. I don’t know.’

‘Perhaps we should concentrate on Loki. He is part of us. To me, that seems the best course.’

‘I’ll follow your lead. I’ve not done anything like this before or since we were last together.’

‘I’ve tried with Cal, and managed to get inside myself, as it were, but not beyond.’

Galdra winced a little at those words, and Pellaz knew they were somewhat cruel, but he didn’t want Galdra thinking what they’d done was unique to them. ‘We need information,’ Galdra said. ‘It’s not just about Loki, is it? At Fulminir, we made things difficult for something… or somehar… but we didn’t stop them or discourage them. What are we really taking on?’

‘I don’t know,’ Pellaz replied. ‘But Lileem must help us now. I want you to try and remain conscious, come with me. I know that’s difficult after so long without practice, but I confess that, if we succeed, I don’t want to do this alone.’

‘And how exactly
do
we do this?’ Galdra asked. ‘How do we get from this moment to that of intimacy? I feel a world apart from you.’

Pellaz drew in his breath. ‘We perform our own private Grissecon,’ he said. ‘In the garden. If it’s ritualized, it will be easier.’

Galdra nodded. ‘As you wish.’

‘First we finish the wine.’

Pellaz knew it was important to remain focused. He must keep Loki in his mind, and also Lileem. As he threw back his head to down the last dregs from his glass, he called silently upon the dehar Aruhani.
Now is the time I need you more than ever.
He put the glass down on the low table in front of him. The wine had affected him pleasantly; he felt far mellower than when he’d arrived. He glanced at Galdra and then stood up.

The doors to the garden were open, and beyond them all was still. Galdra followed Pellaz out onto the lawn. It felt too exposed there to Pellaz; he needed to feel more enclosed. A gazebo covered in climbing jasmine stood a short distance off, screened by cypresses.
It must be there.
Nearby, a fountain in the shape of a rearing horse spat crystal streams into a wide marble half shell. Pellaz knelt here to take a mouthful of water. He was conscious of Galdra standing behind him. Now it had to be done.

When he rose to his feet again, Galdra put his hands on Pell’s arms and turned him round. Nothing was said. They shared breath in the starlight, cautiously recalling the past; how it had felt, what they had done. Was it possible to recapture that time as if the intervening years had never been? Galdra’s voice was a murmur in Pell’s head.
No, it isn’t possible. This is now. Live it.

I think it was the feeling that got us there, not the act,
Pell told him.

Perhaps, but what you cannot see is that Loki was the reward for that work, not a punishment. He is our responsibility and we must help him, whatever our feelings. And – as you said earlier – we must help him in the here and now, not the past.

Pellaz drew away from Galdra. ‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘We
will
reach Lileem, I swear it, by all the dehara.’

Galdra smiled and put a hand against Pell’s face. ‘I know.’

They went into the gazebo, where the delicate flowers hung over them, occasionally dropping down as if Aruhani was shaking the slender branches. The smell of jasmine was very strong, almost narcotic. Pellaz surrendered himself as a sacrifice to the dehar of aruna. It was both Grissecon and personal; a balm over a wound perhaps, but ultimately not difficult at all. Pellaz knew this body beside him. They shared a skill and a history. Cal had been right: there was no other way.

It seemed that Aruhani had heard the Tigron’s prayer. He was present in his most benevolent aspect, as the guide and protector. Very quickly, Pellaz slipped inside his own being, feeling calm and centered. He found himself in the cauldron of creation, and Galdra was with him as a separate form. Previously, they had always visited this place as a combined creature; perhaps this new development was evidence of the way things were between them now.

The cauldron could take many forms, but the way it appeared to them on this occasion was as a jetty that poked out over an ocean of sky; a terminal for travel. Pellaz could not see Aruhani, but could sense him strongly. He was an invisible giant hanging before them, haloed by and comprised of stars.

Pellaz knew he should summon transport and sent out a strong call. Presently, a beautiful ship came towards them, trailing a sparkling cosmic mist. Its sails were silver and its figurehead was a smiling carving of Aruhani. Just by willing it so, Pellaz and Galdra boarded the ship, and it turned in a graceful circle, heading back the way it had come.

This is… different,
Galdra said.

For me too,
Pellaz said.
Think of Lileem, Galdra. Think of the realm of the library. I have been there before. I’ll give you images.
He paused.
This journey is not without risk. The last time I went to that place it was very difficult to leave, but that was with the sedim. This might be different.

We’ll make it so.

Ahead was an immense shimmering portal of purple cloud, which hung in the firmament like a nebula. The ship headed directly towards it.

This is it,
Pellaz said. He took Galdra’s hand. It felt warm, alive and solid in his grasp, amazingly real. Pellaz had no sense of what was happening to their bodies in reality. The experience was entirely objective. Perhaps they had never left their flesh this completely before.
We should have posted guards,
he said.
We have left ourselves too vulnerable in the realm of earth.

Galdra squeezed his fingers.
We are safe. Don’t worry. Aruhani watches over us.