The Gate to Everything (Once Upon a Dare Book 1) (35 page)

Her chest ached with unshed tears when he opened the door. His blue eyes were bloodshot and filled with anger.

“I just texted you I was home,” he said, swallowing thickly. “I wanted to…oh hell.”

He pulled her against him, burying his face against her shoulder. She tensed up.

“Don’t do this,” she whispered. “You’re only making it harder.”

His arms dropped immediately, and he took a few steps back.
“I’m
making this harder? You’re throwing us—our family—away after you promised me we’d face things together. You refused to talk to me last night when I was worried as hell about you and Ella, and then you pretty much fucking broke up with me through a text. How in the hell am
I
making this harder? I didn’t do anything but open my heart up to you again and give you everything!”

“Don’t swear at me. Please. I can’t take that.” She pressed her lips together when they started to tremble. There were tears in his eyes despite the anger radiating from him, and she quaked from the force of his emotion.

“I’m sorry, but I’m upset.”
 

She didn’t want to postpone this, but perhaps it was best. “Maybe we should talk after you cool down some. It doesn’t help that you lost your game.”

He cocked a brow. “We didn’t lose.”

She blinked. “Oh, I assumed—”

“That I couldn’t hold it together enough to win? I wasn’t going to do that to myself or my team. I shredded Dallas. I don’t need to cool down. I want to see Ella, Grace. Did you come up here to tell me I can’t? Because if you think I’m angry now, try keeping me from my daughter.”

In all the time she’d known him, she’d never seen him like this. “I would never keep you from Ella. I only wanted us to talk first. She woke up just about every hour last night whimpering, and she cries when I leave the room for even a second. She didn’t smile all day! I didn’t want her to be any more upset. It tore my heart out.”

He pounded his chest. “I understand the feeling. All I wanted to do was comfort you both, and you shut me out.”

Pain shot through her, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “You didn’t tell me about the tabloid bounty—”

“I told you why,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Are you going to blame me for this too?”

She knew it wasn’t fair, but she wasn’t feeling magnanimous right now. “You didn’t even come home last night,” she whispered. “What does that say?”

“I couldn’t come home because I had curfew,” Jordan said in a hard tone. “Coach said he couldn’t make an exception for me even though I wanted one. Dammit, Grace. You’re punishing me for something completely out of my control.”

“Did you watch any of the videos on the web?” she shot back, deciding not to correct his language this time. “I’m sure someone videoed us being surrounded by
your
fans. Ella screamed, Jordan. Screamed! Her little fingernails dug into my shirt.” She tore back the neckline to show him the red marks on her skin. “Some wonderful older man had to come to our rescue and get us out of there. How can you ask our daughter to go through that again?”

“Why did you even go to the store? Especially when it’s crowded like that? Why didn’t you take a guard with you? I made a mistake by not saying anything, but you up and ignored the protocols I set in place to protect our family. Dammit, Grace. You’re tying my hands behind my back!”

“Stop swearing!” An angry burn shot through her stomach. “Yes, it’s partially my fault, and I take full responsibility. I told my mother it wasn’t a good time, but she said it was just the grocery store. I didn’t push back. She couldn’t believe I hadn’t taken Ella anywhere except the restaurant. She made me feel like a bad mother, Jordan.”

His eyes narrowed. “Your mom would never do that. She knows you’re a great mother.”

“But she didn’t understand what your fame is like.” Grace stared him down. “She does now.”

“So, what? Are we supposed to keep our daughter in some ivory tower for the rest of her life, away from people and places, all because of one bad moment? I had all night to think about this, and while I want to destroy every one of those people who made her scream, keeping her hidden isn’t the answer. That’s no kind of life for anyone. We have to figure out a different way.”

Oh, God, she was going to have to tell him now. She’d hoped to wait. She crossed her arms to protect herself from his reaction. “I know it’s not the way. I think I should take her away from Atlanta and raise her in a different city—one that doesn’t care so much about their quarterback.”

“No way!” he yelled immediately. “You are not taking my daughter away from me.”

“I’m not taking her away,” she said, trembling to her toes. “You can see her anytime you want. I swear. But this way, she can grow up and have a more normal life. No one is going to be gunning for a picture of her to win a thousand bucks.”

“No!” he said in a hard tone. “I won’t allow it.”

“Please, listen,” she said, reaching out a hand.

“No.” He shook his head. “Not this. If you move, I won’t see her except in the off season. Dammit, Grace. Don’t take away my baby girl. I love her more than anything. Taking her away isn’t the answer. She needs her dad. I know. I…grew up without one. It fucking sucks. Don’t do that to her.”

Tears slid down his face, and she took some deep breaths to quell her own rising urge to cry. His swearing was only making her tremble more, but she knew it was a sign of how upset he was that he couldn’t control himself right now. “I know you love her, and I do too. I know how much it hurt you when your dad left, but you’ll still be in Ella’s life. It’s not the same as it was for you. Jordan, you need to do what’s best for her.”

He planted his feet. “Being in Ella’s life every day
is
the best thing for her, Grace. I know you’re a great mom, but I’m a pretty awesome dad. She needs both of us. I don’t want Ella to ever think you left because I didn’t want her.”

She took the punch to her solar plexus. “I would
never
let her think that, Jordan.”

“You don’t know what kind of things a kid thinks,” he growled. “How you blame yourself for your dad not being around. How you think you must have done something to make him leave. I won’t have her thinking those things, Grace. Jesus! How did we get to this place? You talking about taking our daughter away? What about us? How can you even talk like this when you say you love me? When you know how much I love you?”

“It’s not enough!” she cried. “Do you think this decision is easy for me? I love you too, but I have to protect our daughter—because you can’t.”

He swiped angrily at the tear that leaked out of his eyes. “We’re back to this, are we? I can’t protect her—or you—because I’m the cause. That’s bullshit, Grace. Other players in the NFL find a way to make this work. Why won’t you work with me? It’s our life, Grace. It’s us and Ella. Our family. I was hoping we were finally getting to a place where you’d believe I want to marry
you.
Not because of Ella. Are you really going to let your fears ruin that?”

So he had planned to ask her. Pain exploded in her heart, but it couldn’t matter. She couldn’t let it. “You weren’t there yesterday,” she said again. “You’re not hearing anything I say. This is not my fault.”

“No, and it’s not mine either.” He held up a hand. “I’m not saying yesterday wasn’t awful, but why can’t we use it as a lesson and agree it won’t happen again? I promise not to keep things like tabloid bounties from you.”

“And you accuse me of wanting to put her in an ivory tower?” she said, locking her arms tighter across her chest. “You can’t have it both ways.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose before lowering his hand. “Do you love me?” he asked, locking gazes with her.

The hurt slashed through her, and she squeezed her eyes shut again. “You know I do.”

His hands curled around her arms. “Open your eyes and look at me. Do you believe I love you and Ella more than anything? That I would do anything for you? That I want us to be a real family and live in this house?”

Her throat closed, and she made herself shrug. “I know you love us, but this is bigger than that.”

He stared into her eyes, as if struggling for words. “I’ll leave the NFL and move back to Deadwood with you like you always wanted…if that’s what it’ll take to keep us together.”

Her mouth parted, and she took a step away from him.
“Jordan.”

“If this is the
only
way to keep us together, then I’ll do it.” He sniffed and wiped his nose. “I would only ask to finish out the playoffs. I…God, I don’t want to let my team down.”

Her mind was reeling. “I’m not asking you to give up the NFL.”

“No, you’re not,” he said harshly. “But you’re not giving me any choices I can live with. I can’t live with you moving away with Ella. What you decide about us is your choice. I…would want us to be together.”

She took a ragged inhale. “It would kill you not to play.” He’d wither in Deadwood, building houses with her dad. She could see that now.

“It would kill me more not to be a father to my daughter,” he said. “I could lose you and survive—I did once—but I can’t lose Ella. Can I go see her now? I…Grace, I really need to see her.”

Her control was shattering. “Of course you can. I know you don’t believe me right now, but I would never keep you from her.”

The look he gave her before he walked off cut her to the core. He
didn’t
believe her, and after what she’d said to him, she couldn’t blame him.

*
 
*
 
*

When Jordan let himself inside Grace’s house—the house he’d built for her and started to think of as theirs—he rapped on the door and called, “I’m coming in.”

Meg was holding Ella, bouncing on her feet in a soothing rhythm. “Hello, Jordan,” she said gravely, looking as exhausted as Grace.

His daughter immediately let out a wail and reached for him.

“Hi, Meg. Can I hold her?” he asked, feeling tears burn his eyes again.

“Of course,” she said, crossing to him.

Ella turned her head to look at him, and from the way she didn’t raise her head or smile at him, he could tell she was exhausted too. His heart broke as she gave another weak cry.

When he put her to his chest, he could feel the ache spread. Ella curled her little body into him, and he closed his eyes, rocking her slowly.
Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.

“How bad was it yesterday?” he asked Meg.
 

Meg had always given it to him straight, and after hearing Grace talk about moving away with Ella…

“Pretty bad, honey,” she said, patting him heavily on the back. “I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

“I’ll head up to the nursery with her,” he said, desperate to have some privacy. He was going to break down now that his little girl was in his arms, and he didn’t want an audience. “I’m sorry, Meg.”

She leaned her head against his shoulder and ran a hand down Ella’s soft head. “It’s not your fault, honey. It’s just…in all my days, I haven’t experienced anything like it. I don’t know what to say. But I’m sorry for you guys. This situation… Go be with your daughter.”

She patted him on the back, and he started toward the stairs. Before he could climb them, Meg added, “You’re a good father, Jordan. Never forget that.”

As he walked to the nursery, holding Ella close, he tried to find some peace in Meg’s words despite the turmoil swirling inside him. Maybe he should have told Grace about the bounty, but there was no use falling into self-recriminations.
 
He could only do the right thing now, and if being a good father to Ella meant leaving the NFL, he’d do it. However he looked at it, his heart was going to break.

But being Ella’s daddy was the most important thing in his life.

He shut the door to the nursery—even though they usually left it open—and sank into the rocker with her. Her little body was warm and heavy, but listless. The pain in his heart spread until he felt tears leak out of his eyes.

“Daddy’s so sorry he wasn’t there for you and Mommy yesterday,” he said hoarsely. “I’m so sorry you got scared. I wish…” His voice broke.

She shifted in his arms and raised her head, gazing at him with those blue eyes he’d given her in the miracle of life. Drool ran down her chin, and her eyes were crusty from crying.

He kissed her cheek and cupped the back of her small head, marveling at how fragile she was. Grace was right. He had put them in danger. What if the fans had gotten more aggressive and hurt Ella? She was too little to protect herself.

“I love you,” he told her, smiling at her through tears. “Do you know how much? You’ve changed my whole life. There isn’t anything Daddy wouldn’t do for you. Okay? I know you might be too little to understand, but I promise you that I’m always here for you. That you’re the most important person in my life. Everything else pales in comparison.”

She raised her little hand and patted his cheek, and he pulled her close again, pressing her little face next to his.
 

“I’m not letting anyone keep us apart,” he said hoarsely. “I’m never going to leave you. You’re my girl now, and I’m your dad.”

He couldn’t hold back his tears, so he cried softly while she cuddled against him, vowing he would do whatever it took to stay in her life. Even if it meant giving up the game he’d once loved more than anything.