The Fear and Anxiety Solution (36 page)

     • What do I want to believe instead?

Modify your internal interpretation.
When you take something personally, chances are that your subconscious holds a distorted view of the situation. That was the case with Jane, the woman I told you about in the previous chapter who didn’t dare inform her husband that she wanted a divorce. Just as you can create a new identity (using the process I described in
chapter 10
), you can completely change how your subconscious perceives and thus feels about whatever you took personally. Here’s how:

     
1.
Close your eyes and observe the internal image of this situation.

     
2.
Notice the color, size, and brightness of the picture, how far away from you it is, and the details that are depicted in it. For example, in this picture, are you smaller than the person whose behavior or comments you took personally? Does the person appear to be in the foreground or brighter than you?

     
3.
Adjust those aspects in ways that signal to your subconscious mind that you’re reclaiming your power.

     
4.
Imagine that you can send the light energy of compassion and appreciation to the person whose projection you’ve taken on—and thus gradually dissolve his or her presence from this internal scenario.

After practicing these steps, you’ll find that it will be much more difficult to take anything personally—and if you do take something personally, it will be much easier for you to reclaim your power.

Ada never felt that her brothers and sisters really cared about her. In fact, whenever she expressed her views and opinions, she felt ridiculed and put down. As the odd one out, she dreaded family events because she felt she could never be herself. “To avoid being attacked,” she told me, “I felt I had to hold my breath the entire time and become invisible.”

On a day-to-day basis, our need to blend in or fit in outweighs the desire to express our authentic self. We often have a deep-seated fear of standing out, being criticized or rejected, or losing the connection to “the tribe.” As a result, speaking up and expressing ourselves can be a major anxiety-triggering challenge. Even in relationships with the people we’re closest to, we don’t often allow ourselves to share our thoughts, feelings, and needs honestly. We don’t clarify hurtful comments and misunderstandings because we don’t want to create any conflict. We don’t talk about our pains, concerns, and vulnerabilities because we’re afraid we might appear needy or weak and, therefore, less attractive—and that’s a risk we’re unwilling to take.

So we hold ourselves back. We don’t allow ourselves to buy the car of our dreams because the neighbors might think we’re too flashy, materialistic, or suffering from a midlife crisis. We avoid holding hands with our spouse or partner when we’re around our single friends. Or we dress more conservatively to avoid standing out, as did the young woman who once told me she didn’t dare wear form-fitting clothes because she feared the other mothers at her daughter’s school would judge her. We even downplay our gifts, strengths, and accomplishments because we don’t want to make someone feel bad or envious.

Feeling only conditionally accepted, we lose our power and sense of self by believing that who we truly are needs to be hidden. As a result, either we dare to show only the side of us that appears confident, entertaining, and agreeable,
or we simply withdraw into obscurity, isolation, and loneliness.

Denying ourselves our right to express our authenticity ties into the subconscious protective patterns of making assumptions and our tendencies to take others’ opinions personally. Let’s take Ada, for instance. Her assumption that she didn’t matter to her family led her to microanalyze their responses to her and interpret the slightest whiff of disapproval as a major rejection. A series of chronic physical ailments led Ada to realize that her tendency to disappear in the presence of her family was rooted in her beliefs that she wasn’t good enough or lovable. Although her family might have been the original cause of these beliefs, she admitted that it was now her—and not her family’s—responsibility to change them.

“Now I have so much more understanding and compassion for my brothers and sisters,” she said. “I can imagine that they felt my insecurity as something uncomfortable and threatening because it reminded them of their own unresolved issues.”

By learning to love and appreciate her gifts and values, Ada became so self-empowered that she went on her own path of spiritual and metaphysical exploration. In the past, doing her own thing would have made her feel even more disconnected from her traditional Catholic family. Instead, by that point, she was convinced that her happiness and inner peace would be healing and beneficial for everyone. At the family’s next Thanksgiving gathering, she openly shared her newfound spirituality and her more esoteric beliefs without worrying or assuming she’d be judged or rejected. To her delight, before dinner she was asked to offer the blessing. From that point on, various family members frequently consulted Ada for advice and support.

I know it takes courage and strength to openly and honestly show who you really are. But as it becomes more and more normal for you to share both your light and strength along with your needs and vulnerabilities, you’ll solidify your foundation of self-acceptance. And once you accept yourself, you’re free.

Focus today on breaking through the self-imposed restrictions that have prevented you from fully expressing yourself.

     •
Pay attention to when you hold yourself back from speaking up.
Notice when you refrain from expressing your opinions, asking for what you want, or sharing something personal.

     
•
Notice when worries about others’ judgments stop you from doing something you want.
For example, you might eat lunch at your desk as your colleagues do, even though you would rather eat outside on a park bench. Or perhaps you won’t get the mail in your bathrobe because the neighbors might see you. Or maybe you keep your usual, conservative haircut rather than going for one that appears more fun and attractive to you.

     •
Be aware of the times when you try to blend in or become invisible.
For example, you might walk down the street with your head down, not looking at anybody, or you might avoid wearing clothes with strong colors. Or, do you always sit in the last row of the theater or choose restaurant tables that are tucked away in a corner?

Practice gestures of self-expression, like the following:

     •
Give yourself a voice.
Voice an opinion about something you’re interested in. Let yourself be heard when you disagree with someone or are bothered by something. Ask for something you need or would like help with.

     •
Challenge yourself to be noticed.
Wear a bright-colored tie or shawl. Share a personal story with a colleague. Tell someone about an accomplishment or a special talent you have.

     •
Reach out and connect.
Call a friend or family member you haven’t talked to in a while. Strike up a conversation with a stranger at the coffee shop or the bus stop. Make eye contact with the people you meet.

     •
Try any form of creative expression.
Sing in the car or shower. Draw. Write a poem, a letter, or a story. Cook a new dish. Get out your camera and take a picture.

By more freely shining the light of who you are into the world, you give yourself permission to expand into your fully actualized self, and you inspire many others to do the same.

There are those days when, despite all your positive affirmations, intentions, and great self-empowering work, you may still feel small and vulnerable—days when just leaving your house makes you feel anxious and insecure, when all you
really want is to hide under the blankets in bed. Taking refuge under the covers can be extremely comforting and self-nurturing. However, it’s not a long-term solution, and most of the time it’s not an option.

Perhaps you routinely feel overwhelmed and drained after a visit to the mall or a dinner party with friends. You watch the news and feel the suffering of the world weighing on your heart. A colleague having a bad day can leave you feeling deflated and depressed. You see yourself as oversensitive and incapable of interacting with the world in sustainable ways.

If you can relate to any of these examples, you’re taking on other people’s energy and emotions due to extreme empathy, a form of hypersensitivity that is another protective strategy of the subconscious mind. Lack of communication, confusion, and unpredictability in your childhood may have prompted your subconscious to develop a heightened awareness of the subtle cues in the environment. You needed to know what the people around you were thinking and feeling in order to be safe. The downside of this strategy is that, at some point, your internal radar becomes so tuned in to the external that you begin to absorb and take on the energy of others while losing the connection to yourself—the extreme version of taking others personally. The subconscious needs training to discern between the feelings and energies of those around you and your own. It needs to learn how to avoid sponging up input from the environment and to set up a healthy energetic boundary anchored in a solid core of self-awareness.

Another form of energetic cluttering of the subconscious is a continual attachment to the people and situations that have occupied our attention and time. Have you ever found yourself still thinking about work on Saturday morning or waking in the middle of the night because a difficult conversation from a few days ago was still weighing on you? You’re experiencing something similar to the reaction you have after attending a rock concert. All is quiet in your bedroom, but your ears don’t stop ringing from the noise. In the same way, our subconscious reverberates from the intensity of certain situations that had previously captured all of our energy. In order to provide our mind with the rest it needs to function at its best, it is important to be able to disconnect from outside stimulation and activities and to develop a practice of clearing our subconscious.

Today’s focus is on your personal energy and cultivating a practice to detach and free yourself from external influences.

     •
Pay attention to how your feelings shift over the course of the day.
When you notice such a change, ask yourself whether you’re feeling your own emotions or whether what you’re feeling is a result of tuning in to and picking up others’ emotions.

     •
When you’re in a public place, tune in to yourself to sense whether or not your energy is fluctuating.
Do you feel hyper or drained, spacey or anxious, without any reason you can put your finger on?

     •
Notice what people and circumstances stick in your mind, draw on your energy, or pull you out of the present moment.
Are you still thinking about your office colleague, an unfinished project, or a concern you can’t do anything about at that moment?

     •
Clear your subconscious.
Practice the guided meditation from
chapter 9
, “Realign with Your Essence,” by reading it or listening to the mp3 recording. This meditation helps clear your subconscious and your cellular memory from any energy you may have picked up from outside influences.

     •
Detach and rejuvenate.
Using this guided meditation, you can, for the time being, consciously disconnect from the people and situations that may have occupied your thoughts and prevented you from recharging and enjoying your Saturday.

     •
When you go out in public, sense and visualize the protective field of energy you’ve generated during the meditation.
Imagine how this energy keeps any outside influences from overwhelming you and provides you with a comfortable space for quiet, peace, and self-reliance.

The protective shield is a very effective tool for approaching the world from a safer and more empowered place. Rather than being pulled into other people’s energy and emotions, you’re creating a habit of keeping your subconscious clear and unattached to external influences, and you’re staying centered and grounded in your core.

Let’s take one more look at assumptions. Most of our assumptions aren’t actually negative but pertain to aspects in our lives that we simply take for granted,
such as having a phone that works, a car that starts, a family we come home to, a healthy body that gets us out of bed in the morning. We assume these are normal, stable facts in our lives and don’t think or feel much about them—until they’re no longer there. Then we become upset and vow to pay the phone bill on time and to take better care of our car, our loved ones, or our health.

How much do you take
yourself
for granted? How often do you simply assume that it’s normal to be a good parent, a reliable employee, a decent human being, and a caring friend without really appreciating the value of your efforts and contributions? Good questions, right?

We’ll address this topic further in the enforcement step, the final part of CARE. The main question right now is this:
are you aware of how much you’ve learned and grown in the past week, or are you also just taking the results of your inner work for granted?

Sunday is the day when you want to lean back, reflect, and enjoy the fruits of your hard work. Instead of doing a focus exercise and empowerment acts, I invite you to simply answer the following empowerment questions. By considering them, you hone the insights you’ve gained, amplify the progress you’ve made, and create momentum for further growth during the coming week.