The Fear and Anxiety Solution (30 page)

When I asked Jane to remember an argument with her husband that left her feeling afraid and powerless, the image that popped up on her internal screen showed him to be significantly larger and taller than she was, which in reality wasn’t the case. While her husband stood in the foreground, his face stern and angry, she saw herself farther away in the dark, her face frozen in a tense and anxious stare.

“Wow,” she blurted. “I see myself really shrunken—as if he has all my power.” Realizing how her subconscious mind “saw” her when she believed that she
wasn’t strong enough helped Jane better understand why she’d felt so paralyzed when it came to telling her husband she wanted a separation. As a successful businesswoman and active participant in her community, Jane considered herself a very confident and capable person. However, her husband’s presence and demeanor triggered the old limiting belief of being weak and powerless—a belief that had been originally “installed” by her domineering father. Whenever her husband raised his voice, just like her father did so many times, her power and self-worth vanished because her inner identity reverted back to that of a small, vulnerable child unable to fend for herself.

I’m sure you’re now curious to find out how your limiting identity is portrayed by your subconscious. So let’s see.

Sit comfortably in a chair, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths in and out. Then either think about the core limiting belief you just identified and want to let go of, or focus on a specific person, event, or situation that usually triggers this belief and its affiliated emotions.

When you get in touch with the limiting belief and the accompanying emotions, look at your internal screen and watch how you visualize yourself. Don’t try to conjure a picture; instead let it just appear.

Focus mainly on your inner identity and not so much on the people or surroundings. First notice whether, in the image, you’re looking through your own eyes (an associated point of view) or whether you’re watching yourself from a vantage outside your own body (a dissociated point of view). Next notice whether the image is:

     • In black and white or in color

     • Small, life sized, or larger than life

     • Bright, dim, or in between

     • Focused or unfocused

     • A still picture or more like a movie

     • Right in front of you or five to ten feet away—or even farther

You can gain more vivid insights about your limiting identity by determining if there are any sounds, smells, tastes, or sensations associated with it—such as the temperature or the position of your body. Notice how you feel now or how you used to feel when you were previously steeped in this limiting belief.

Taking note of these visual and sensual qualities of your internal picture is important for the process of replacing the old identity with a new one, which I
will introduce later in this chapter. Now you have your starting point. You may not have really appreciated what you were seeing because the image showed an insecure or powerless version of yourself. Or it’s possible that this image of yourself is very familiar—and therefore somewhat comforting. In any case, I am sure you agree that this inner identity doesn’t reflect all of who you are and that it prevents you from expressing your true potential and purpose. But as you already know, just letting go of what no longer serves you isn’t enough. You need to replace your old beliefs and identity with a new, empowered version of self. So let’s define what and who this
new you
can be.

Every day, TV commercials try to convince us that the best way to find confidence, happiness, and fulfillment is to improve our external conditions. We’re told that a new car, a younger partner, bigger biceps, or fewer wrinkles will make us feel more worthy and at ease. During one of his talks, I heard Neale Donald Walsch, the author of
Conversations with God,
say that he used to identify himself with his hair. (Admittedly, his hair is quite voluminous.) Similarly, I tried to boost my self-worth in my midtwenties with expensive, handmade leather shoes. Well, as Neale and I did, you’ve probably found out that defining yourself by
what you own
and
how you look
instead of
who you are
only leads to big disappointments. All it does is put our real change and growth on hold because we continue to give our attention and power to something on the surface or outside ourselves and avoid addressing the deeper, subconscious root causes of our fears and insecurities.

My client Dan provides an excellent example. He wanted nothing more than to advance in his career. However, for more than six years, he’d been consistently overlooked and undervalued by the company he was working for. While others were receiving promotions, he went nowhere, even though he had worked the hardest and had continuously demonstrated great loyalty and reliability. Over the years, Dan’s stress and anxiety about his work situation built to such an extent that it seemed to overtake his entire life. It wasn’t until he suffered from severe chronic back pain, which didn’t improve despite extensive orthopedic and chiropractic treatments, that he was ready to admit that his stress and anxiety had gotten out of hand.

When I asked Dan about his goals, he told me that he really would like to be more successful at his job, have greater financial stability, and, of course, rid
himself of physical pain. However, as soon as Dan shared these objectives with me, he became very anxious and almost deflated. “Who am I kidding?” he asked. “I’ll never be able to have what I want. I just don’t have what it takes.” There they were—the limiting core beliefs he’d been reciting to himself like a daily mantra since early childhood.

Dan grew up with a very strict and demanding father for whom he never seemed to measure up. And although his father had completely turned around in his old age, Dan’s self-image was still conditioned by the emotional baggage and subconscious limiting imprints from his childhood. After Dan realized that he needed to address these deeper root causes of his challenges, he changed his goals to being at peace with himself, trusting and feeling confident about who he was, and being able to act from a place of self-worth and inner strength. Through consciously redefining and rebuilding his inner identity, Dan felt more empowered, content, and self-assured. For the first time in his life, he could truly appreciate and value himself. Because his chronic back pain had also disappeared, he truly felt that he’d reached his goals, despite the fact that nothing regarding his job or finances had changed.

A few months after our last session, Dan called to tell me that his boss had just notified him that he would be receiving the long-awaited promotion. “Isn’t it interesting that I got promoted at a time when I didn’t really care that much?” he asked. “All those years when I was striving and giving my all to work, nothing happened. And now that I’m more balanced and happier with myself and I put myself and my family first, I receive the validation I was waiting for. I guess first I had to know in myself that I am worthy—and then my life could catch up.”

The core of the new you will be anchored in a new, empowering belief, which replaces your old, limiting belief. But how do you define a new core belief? How do you choose one that inspires you and makes you want to embody and live up to it? Here are some guidelines that will help you easily and effectively develop a new, custom-tailored belief.

For starters, there are three requirements a new core belief needs to fulfill.

The new belief needs to expand you.
I’ve seen it many times. People come up with a new, empowering belief only to quickly dismiss it, because “It isn’t me.” Well, it isn’t supposed to be you—yet—because you’re aiming to grow beyond your old, limiting identity. If you feel that the new belief already fits you, it
may not be expansive enough. So it’s perfectly OK to be a little apprehensive at the beginning when your new belief may sound more like a fantasy or wishful thinking than reality.

The new belief needs to motivate you
. This seems like a no-brainer, but it is still important to mention. Let’s say you used to feel that you were “a failure.” An obvious choice for a new, empowering belief could be, “I have all it takes to have success.” However, you may feel ambivalent about the word “success,” because it triggers negative associations with competition and failure. So better options could be, “I have the ability and drive to live up to my potential” or “I’m smart, capable, and resourceful.” Make sure that the new core belief makes you feel excited and eager to grow into it.

The new belief needs to be realistic.
If your new belief brings up some resistance inside of you, it probably appears too difficult to reach. Let’s say you struggle with low self-esteem because you’ve been dealing with debt and unemployment for quite some time. Which belief could you more easily accept and continuously focus?—“I’m successful and prosperous” or “I have the power to make positive changes now.” If your new belief appears too challenging or impossible to live up to, you’ll quickly lose your focus. So choose a belief that propels you toward that next desirable level of your personal evolution but doesn’t allow you to underestimate your potential or make you play it safe. Once you’ve fully accepted your new identity, you may feel inclined to aim for an even higher level of success, happiness, and fulfillment. What you’ll find is that our boundless inner resources always offer more untapped power for us to harness.

So you want a new core belief that is exciting, motivating, challenging, and attainable. Easier said than done, right? Many of my clients experienced an instant brain-cramp when they were asked to formulate a new, self-empowering core belief. “I don’t even know where to start,” they’d say, or, “What if I don’t find a belief that’s right for me?”

These and similar concerns may have also started to occupy your mind. The key is simple: don’t overthink or overanalyze the question, “What do I want to believe about myself?” Instead, trust your subconscious to give you the answers. This advice stems from a very unlikely source—
Science,
a prestigious, much-referenced research journal.

In 2006,
Science
published a study that attempted to tackle a question that has been pondered throughout the history of humankind: what is the best way to make a decision? Should we consciously deliberate the facts or trust our gut feelings?
In one of the trials, the investigators asked participants to choose the best of four hypothetical cars. Participants were introduced to either four or twelve different attributes of the vehicles. One group was asked to analyze the data for four minutes before making a decision. The other one was distracted for four minutes (by solving anagrams) and then asked to pick the best car on the spot.

The results were quite surprising. When given only four attributes on which to base their decision, the group that had time to carefully deliberate and analyze the data more frequently chose the best car. However, when twelve attributes about each car needed to be considered, the group that was asked to make their decisions spontaneously performed better and picked the best car with significantly greater frequency. In this scenario, spontaneous subconscious decision-making was far superior to intellectual analysis. After further tests with different products and endpoints, the authors came to the conclusion that it is best “to think consciously about simple matters and delegate thinking about more complex matters to the unconscious.”
²

So what does selecting a car—through conscious or unconscious analysis—have to do with choosing your new core belief and identity? Since you, as a human being, are a “complex matter”—and I mean this in the best sense of the phrase—you’re better off letting your subconscious guide you to find the best-fitting belief for you rather than agonizing over it.

I find that when it comes to fear and anxiety, common limiting core beliefs are “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not safe,” and “I’m anxious.” I use these as examples to explain the following process for defining a new belief and creating the basis for the new, empowered you.

A few general guidelines:

     • The new belief needs to be stated positively. “I don’t have anxiety” doesn’t work as a new belief, because it still directs your mind toward the anxiety you want to overcome.

     • At the same time, defaulting to the opposite, “I am good enough,” or “I am safe,” can turn out to be rather flat. It may sound too similar to your
old belief, and it may, at least subconsciously, bring up questions such as “Good enough? In what regard and for whom?” or “Safe from what?”

     • A new belief is best stated in the present tense rather than in the future tense. Telling yourself, “I will be calm and confident,” postpones the realization of this belief to the indefinite future. “I
am
calm and confident,” places the belief here and now.

     • Make the belief short and succinct. Long, drawn-out sentences often lack punch and are hard to remember.

1. Take a pen and paper and write down at least ten to fifteen feelings, qualities, and attributes that describe the opposite of what you associated with the old limiting belief.
For example:

     • The opposite of feeling “not good enough” could be feeling confident, empowered, capable, competent, strong, resourceful, motivated, smart, intelligent, wise, kind, loveable, passionate, valuable, or worthy.

     • The opposite of feeling “unsafe” could be feeling trusting, supported, taken care of, secure, guided, confident, empowered, or strong.

     • The opposite of feeling anxious could be feeling calm, centered, at peace, in the flow, relaxed, at ease, balanced, resourceful, capable, or powerful.

You may find additional inspirations by revisiting your answers to the goal-defining questions of
chapter 5
.