The Everything Orgasm Book (2 page)

T
he purpose of this book is to shed some light onto the taboo subject of sex. It was written with the intent to open minds and educate readers about arousal and orgasms. It offers to help alleviate the many fears and stigmas associated with sex. The ultimate goal is to improve the experience of sex for those who are ready. The following chapters will open your eyes to many of the false beliefs pertaining to sex and orgasm that have been a source of painful confusion to many people. It will educate you about what orgasms are and are not, how they come to be, how to make them happen, and how to make them better. It will also provide you with a greater vocabulary for talking about your experiences. The more you understand about sex and the orgasmic experience, the less you will fear it, and the more likely you will enjoy your own sexuality and grant others the freedom to enjoy theirs.

The primary focus of this book is on enriching your experience of orgasm, but it is in no way a definitive guide to all possible experiences with orgasm — that would be an impossible task. The orgasmic experience is as varied and subjective as the imagination will allow. This book does, however, delve into all of the main categories of experience with orgasm, including anatomy and physiology of orgasm, body-mind preparation, relationship and communication skills, sexual behaviors, and unique challenges. Studying and learning more in these realms can help you find your way to greater and greater arousal and orgasmic pleasure.

The information in this book will provide you with many useful tools as you explore your erotic self and seek more enjoyable orgasmic experiences. It is up to you, however, to create the time and space for your own erotic exploration. As you read, consider how you might make this more of a priority in your life. Taking time out for pleasure is perhaps the most challenging hurdle to get over. To experience more enjoyable and powerful orgasms, it is crucial to give your body the time it needs to relax into sex and build arousal. This is your journey, your unfolding into bliss, and you are the only one who can make that happen for yourself.

The time for closer examination and exploration of your sexuality is ripe. More and more brave souls are pioneering their way to greater erotic and orgasmic pleasure and sharing their discoveries, paving the way for others to do the same. There is more dialogue about sex and orgasm. The fields of clinical sexology, sex coaching, and sex therapy are growing. And there are many books, magazines, websites, and informative programs and videos available to assist you in your explorations. There is considerable momentum for tearing down the dilapidated old walls of sexual shame and ignorance and planting beautiful gardens of sexual satisfaction and enjoyment in their place. Explore the ever-expanding fields of possibility and potential for more exquisite erotic and orgasmic experiences; they are your birthright. You deserve all the pleasure you can receive!

O
rgasm is one of the most powerful and pleasurable natural experiences life offers. It is an experience that is highly sought after and celebrated, but it is also feared and repressed. The subjective experience of orgasm is different for everyone, making it something of an enigma. Many cultures throughout history have tried to define it, contain it, or liberate it. But after several thousand years of attention to the subject, there is still much to understand about its significance and its tremendous potential for pleasure.

There are lots of ways to describe orgasms. You can reference them by what part of your body was stimulated to produce them. For example, a woman may say she had a vaginal or a clitoral orgasm as a result of vaginal or clitoral stimulation. Or you can talk about an orgasm by describing the sensations it produced, such as a warm tingling sensation, a shock wave, or a massive explosion. You might describe how an orgasm progresses in your body, such as a sequence of sensations that ripples from your genitals to your fingers and toes. Or you might describe the effect the orgasm had on your connection to your partner, such as a feeling of merging or of magnetizing with each other. Finally, your orgasm may be described in relation to a more spiritual meaning that you have given it, such as a releasing into oneness with God or the whole universe.

The following descriptions came from a survey on orgasms in response to a question asking people to describe a particularly enjoyable experience of orgasm. You can see the great variety in the responses.

There is no right or wrong way to describe orgasms. And there is no single description that will work for every orgasm. There is a certain degree of subjectivity with each individual orgasm that can only truly be described in a narrative form, and chances are even that touches lightly on the actual experience of orgasm.

What does orgasm mean to you? Why do you have orgasms, or try to? Is it important if you do or don't? Understanding the meaning of orgasm for you can help you focus on what you are really after in the experience. Are you doing it for pleasure, for procreation, for love? Just like descriptions of orgasm, the meanings people find in orgasm vary widely. We are influenced by both our culture and by our personal experiences. And we each end up with our own take on this mysterious phenomenon.

One response to the survey said, “It is the ‘small death’ that reveals the essence of aliveness. Alone, in masturbation, it can be everything from simply a means to an end (relaxation, sleep, focus) to a deep affirmation of my love for myself. Shared, it creates and strengthens the bond with my partner. There is something in it of ritual, transformation, or journey. A place outside of all regular places where I meet my lover stripped bare of everything but my most simple self.”

This response touches on a number of common themes. Many of the other responses spoke to the following aspects of meaning:

• Emotional, energetic, and sexual release. Most people think of orgasms as providing some sort of emotional, energetic or sexual release. It is a letting go of pent-up energy, a flowing forth, a spilling over.
  

• Relaxation tool and sleep aid. Many people find that orgasms are an excellent tool for stress reduction and seek them out as a way to relax or fall asleep.
  

• Symbol of love, intimacy, and connection. Orgasms can also be a symbol for the profound expression of love and connection you have with a lover.
  

• Sexual freedom. For some, having orgasms symbolizes their sexual freedom. They are free to follow their sexual urges all the way to orgasmic bliss or release.
  

• Openness to deep pleasure and intensity. For some, the orgasmic experience demonstrates the ability to surrender to profound pleasure. It is a symbol of willingness to embrace the intensity of sensation and, on some level, life itself.
  

• Culmination of excitement and desire. Orgasms can also signify the termination of excitement and desire. Some embrace this as a wonderful state, while others may feel sad that all of the passion and the intense connection has come to an end.
  

• Spiritual doorway to an expanded self. For some, orgasms hold a spiritual significance and are a portal to their more expanded selves. They are a way to experience a connection to all that exists.
  

Here are some more examples of the different meanings survey respondents give to orgasm:

The meanings that people give to their orgasms are as unique and varied as the people themselves. They are windows into their souls and show the diversity within each person and among different people. It is important to allow for these kinds of personal narratives when discussing sex, for they get to the heart of the matter and display what is really essential about orgasm for many people.

In order to understand what orgasms are and how you can best enjoy them, it is useful to understand what they are not. Chances are you have been exposed to all kinds of myths about sex and orgasm since you were a child. These myths have caused a lot of pain and confusion for some people.

When asked about myths pertaining to orgasm, one survey respondent shared one of the most common misperceptions about sex: “I was told as a child not to touch my genitals, that they were dirty. I didn't stop touching myself, but I always felt ashamed about it and I was afraid of getting caught. The myths that my genitals were dirty and that masturbation was shameful have taken me awhile to overcome.”

Ridding yourself of any limiting or false beliefs or attitudes about orgasms is truly the first step on your path to enriched orgasmic experiences. If a belief is engrained or embedded into your psyche, it may take some time and experience to undo it, but it is a worthwhile journey. Here are some more common myths that may be limiting your enjoyment of orgasm in some way.

Vaginal intercourse or penetration is the only real route to orgasm.

One survey respondent noted, “I used to be really upset when I couldn't make my partner reach orgasm with just vaginal intercourse. I thought that if my penis was in and doing the right thing that I should make her orgasm and if I didn't I failed. I thought that if I had to use my hands to stimulate the clitoris while I was having sex that I was cheating or something. I have long lost this notion and currently use my hands all the time, no matter where my penis is.”

The truth is that there are very clearly many routes to orgasm. Men and women both can enjoy orgasms by engaging in numerous kinds of sexual behavior. There is no proven better or more appropriate way to achieve orgasm.

“I thought that vaginal penetration was the ticket to orgasm, but this has turned out to be a myth,” one survey respondent said. “I do not feel like this had any effect my experience of orgasm because I still orgasm without penetration. I thought phalluses had to be involved (silicone or otherwise), but it turns out I like hands and mouths better.”

Orgasms can only last a few seconds.

There are many different kinds of orgasms and orgasmic experiences that vary in intensity and duration. Some orgasmic states and experiences can last much longer than a few seconds.

Orgasms should all be “earth shaking.”

Every orgasm has the potential to be meaningful and pleasurable, regardless of its intensity. Some are mellow, some are quiet, some are short, some are profound, some are loud, and some are long. Great or small, each one should be considered a gift.

Women can't orgasm as much as men.

It is true that women often have a more difficult time finding their way to orgasm, at least initially; however, once they do, their access to multiple orgasms is much greater than men's. In fact, women on the whole are capable of being much more orgasmic than men.

Clitoral orgasms are immature and inferior to vaginal orgasms.