The Everything Orgasm Book (14 page)

Two partners are most sexually compatible when they have similar arousal maps. When both people like the same activities, there may be an easy flow through the stages of arousal. No two sexualities are exactly the same, however. Your arousal map is inevitably different from your lover's in some regard. For instance, one of you may love kissing and really needs a lot of it to get turned on enough to do anything else. The other may not like kissing at all. If so, you have a challenge to your sexual compatibility.

Sexual compatibility can be enhanced in two ways. First, you can simply take turns pleasuring each other. It can be a real joy to offer your partner exactly what she most wants, even if it is not particularly arousing for you. Both of you can get your needs met if you focus on each other, one at a time. Secondly, you can learn to expand your arousal map. The things that turn your partner on may be things you could open up to enjoying as well. In Chapter 4 you learned that you can enhance enjoyment of your erogenous zones by connecting them to the pleasure of your genitals. Likewise, activities that do not initially excite you may become more arousing as you repeatedly associate them with the excitement your partner feels about them.

A discrepancy in desire is a very common phenomenon in relationships wherein one person wants more sexual interaction than the other. Since no two sexualities are the same, this is to be expected. There is no right or wrong amount of desire for sexual connection. There are only different amounts. Dealing with a discrepancy usually requires some compromise from both parties. The partner that wants more sex more often may need to take care of his own needs more by self-pleasuring. The partner less interested in sex at the time may be willing to assist her lover by kissing or stroking him while he self-pleasures. There are many ways to make creative compromises that work for all parties involved.

Couples dealing with significant differences in desire levels can benefit from paying close attention to the preconditions for sex held by the partner with less frequent desire. Working together to meet these preconditions is the most cooperative way to enjoy more satisfaction with sex.

There is a common belief that sex should be spontaneous. You and your lover may have the kind of lifestyle that allows for that. But if you don't, you may need to actually schedule a regular time for sex if it's going to happen with any consistency. This is particularly true in relationships where the two of you have been together for a while or when there are kids in the picture. There is no reason why sex can't be planned. You plan other enjoyable activities, like going out to eat, going for a walk, and going to the movies. If you know your preconditions for sex, then satisfying them can be a part of getting you in the mood. Of course, if the time comes and it is not possible to meet your preconditions, no one should feel that he has to have sex simply because it says so on the calendar.

Another common dynamic in couples is the question of who initiates sex and how they go about it. Sometimes the person who wants sex more often is the one who tends to initiate it. Sometimes, to reduce the incidence of rejected offers, initiation is left up to the person who wants sex less often. Sometimes couples take turns, each enjoying both asking and being asked. You may want to consider how sex is initiated in your relationship and whether you are happy or frustrated with your dynamic.

There are several common frustrations. You may not like how often your initiatives are turned down. You may not like feeling pressured to be sexual when you are not in the mood. You may want to be wooed, wined, and dined. Or you may prefer to be asked directly. You may want to be the seducer some of the time and be seduced at other times.

The key to resolving these frustrations is to talk together about your preconditions for sex. If you get rejected often, you can reduce the incidence by putting more energy into satisfying your partner's preconditions and less effort into asking for sex when you know those preconditions are not met. If you feel pressure from your partner, you can take charge of the situation by meeting your own preconditions and expressing more clearly what you do want from your partner.

For some people, arousal and orgasm come most easily when there is a feeling of emotional closeness with a lover. For others, sex does not require intimacy, but it is enriched when it includes emotional bonding. Intimacy can be either a precondition for sex or a valuable sexual enhancement. Regardless of how long you have been with your lover, and even if it's just an affair, these exercises can help you become a better lover by bringing more intimacy into your relationship.

The heart is often the first place in your body where fear shows up. When sharing your feelings with a lover, you may have some vulnerability and fear. It can feel very nurturing and soothing to have your lover's hand over your heart while you share your vulnerable feelings. In this exercise you take turns with your lover sharing your feelings. Give yourselves fifteen to thirty minutes each for this exercise.

The person who is going to share first lies down on a bed or the floor. The other person sits next to him, at about waist level, facing him, and places her dominant hand over his heart. (If you are right handed, your right sides will be next to each other; if you are left-handed, your left sides will be next to each other.) The person who is going to share takes his time to begin. You can take some deep breaths, relax, and feel the warmth and softness of your lover's hand on your heart. When you are ready, speak from your heart about how you are feeling. Try to use “I” statements. Stay away from “you” statements. In other words, express how you are feeling, not what you perceive your lover is doing, thinking, or feeling.

As the listener, listen with your heart, and stay focused on a feeling of empathy. You are not to fix or change how your lover is feeling. You are just giving him your undivided, loving attention as he shares how he is feeling. If strong feelings begin to emerge, simply breathe deeply and stay in a calm, loving, and nurturing state, allowing whatever waves of emotion to pass through. When your lover is done sharing, thank him for sharing his feelings and allowing you to witness his vulnerability. Take as much time as you need to transition to your time to share.

Looking into a lover's eyes without saying anything can be a very scary thing for some people. You may see something you don't want to see, or feel something you don't want to feel. You may be afraid that your lover will see something in you that you don't want him to see. Looking into your lover's eyes and holding her gaze is a way to connect deeply. A lot can be transmitted through the eyes. It is a way to feel more secure, attached, and connected with a lover. In mutual eye gazing you just stay present with whatever emotions come up. It is a chance to explore whatever feelings you have about witnessing and being witnessed by your lover through each other's eyes.

For this exercise, sit in a comfortable position directly across from your lover. Set a timer for five or ten minutes. Simply look into each other's eyes without saying a word. Resist the temptation to make funny faces or sounds. Notice what comes up for you in doing this. Are you tempted to make each other laugh? Do you feel like you need to smile even though that's not how you feel? Do you feel afraid? Is there a longing or sadness that comes up? Are you filled with love and appreciation? Whatever is there, just make a mental note of it. When the timer goes off, you can share with each other what came up for you in the exercise. The next exercise is an excellent format to do that in.

Soul sharing is a chance to share what is most alive in your soul with a lover or a friend. New lovers may do this naturally, as they are just getting to know each other. But this should never stop, because life is not stagnant. No matter how long you have been with a lover or how well you may think you know each other, life's tides are always changing. It is important to keep checking in to see how the water is.

Soul sharing is about expressing what is in your heart and on your mind. It could be about your hopes, dreams, and visions, or fears, doubts, and concerns for the future. What you share could pertain to current events in your life that are bringing you either joy or frustration. It could be sharing what you are grateful for, or what you really wish wasn't happening in your life.

Soul sharing requires that you first do some self-reflection to get in touch with what is going on for you. To start, sit quietly and focus your attention inward. Shut off the part of your brain that is making lists of things for you to do, judging yourself or others, or wishing you were somewhere else doing something else. You need to get underneath all of that brain activity and tap into the world of your soul, the place where your heart, body, and mind converge.