The Embrace (27 page)

I looked right at him, daring him to say something. He couldn’t hide his shock at my outburst. Even with my growing independence he still didn’t expect me to yell at him like that with no warning.

Just a moment later, his shock was replaced with laughter. It wasn’t a happy, beautiful laugh but rather one of cruel mockery. “You are insane.” He said, shaking his head.

He stood up and walked away, effectively ending the discussion but I wasn’t finished. I couldn’t control myself. The words were coming from a deep part of me that I usually kept hidden. Now that the doors had opened, I couldn’t stop myself.

“Don’t walk away from me.” I screamed.

The neighbours next door would probably think we were in some lover’s spat. We were probably getting a reputation for our late nights and volatile relationship, and this would just fuel the fire.

He didn’t even turn back. He stopped in the door to the bedroom, resting his toned arms against the doorframe.

“You know, I’m starting to think I made a mistake turning you.” He whispered. He knew I could hear. He knew exactly how good my hearing was as he always went far enough away for me to miss his phone conversations. He wanted me to hear this. “Don’t bother talking to me until you’ve seen sense.”

With those parting words he walked out, closing the door behind him.

I wanted to scream and shout, to throw things at him, but of course I wanted answers more than anything. Maybe he was right and I was going mad. It had seemed as if I had perfectly adapted to being a vampire, but over time I had put us in danger and developed these paranoid thoughts.

Maybe I was going mad, just like Emma before me. I had been so proud that I was different from Gabriel’s unhinged former lover, but maybe we were cut from the same cloth.  My obsession with her and the sinister plots I imagined Gabriel being involved with had driven me to the brink. I might already be as crazy as her, I just couldn’t see it yet.

I didn’t know what Emma looked like but I could picture the way I thought she had looked. The Emma in my imagination had porcelein skin, her long strawberry blonde locks were glossy and sensual, and her figure was enviable. She had been a singer before Gabriel turned her so even as a human she must have been attractive. Being a vampire would merely heighten that beauty.

She might be nothing like I imagined. In my head there was a purity and innocence about her that I hadn’t previously pictured. It was possible that she wasn’t quite as mad as Gabriel said. What if it was him who drove her to leave and then kill herself? What if he had accused her of being mad because she had uncovered something, like I believed he was doing to me.

I imagined Emma and Gabriel together. He had never told me anything other than the basics so I knew nothing of the dynamics they had shared. I knew that she must have had a strong hold over him as he had slept with her even after she had broken down and fled their nest.

I pictured her sitting in their home on her own, like I often did during one of our fights. In the scenario Gabriel had left the nest to go hunting. I could practically feel her isolation and unhappiness. She was close to tears as she sorted through the happy moments before Gabriel had become so distant.

She was like a mirror image of myself. I imagined what it was like to stand in front of the person you had always loved and to kill yourself. She must have been desperate if she thought the only way out was to accept her final death. She did it to prove a point, or at least she did in my head. She wanted to show Gabriel what he had done to her. Suicide was the only way she could hurt him more than he had hurt her.

I didn’t know if any of this was true of course. I might have been completely wrong. I knew Gabriel wouldn’t tell me, no matter how much I asked, and so all I had was my own imagination. I was pressing my own story and my own feelings on to Emma. She was a blank canvas and I was using her to find some comfort. I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t the only lonely figure in the vampire world.

It didn’t matter whether this was really the way Gabriel and Emma’s relationship had panned out. It was of no importance to my own relationship with him. He had told me that Emma had been weak for a long time and I had no reason not to really believe him. Couples are supposed to trust one another, especially when they plan to spend eternity together.

I needed to stop playing with my imagination. I only had the facts, the things Gabriel had told me. She had been mentally unstable, she had acted recklessly, and then she had fled. When she returned she seduced him and then killed herself in front of him. That was all I knew about their doomed love, and probably all I would ever know.

It didn’t matter what the cause of her madness was. It could have been Gabriel or it could have been an innate part of her. Either way the only thing that truly mattered was the result of her madness: she had ended her own life.

It felt as if I was at some kind of cross roads. I didn’t think I was mad, although I don’t suppose Emma thought that either. I knew that I didn’t want to lose Gabriel, and I didn’t want to take my own life. I wanted to be strong and powerful in my second chance at life. I wanted to love Gabriel and be loved by him. That was all I had ever wanted.

I guess the choice was easy when I thought about it that way. I knew I had to be with Gabriel, no matter what he was doing. I had spent almost 9 years of my life with him and he had never left my mind. He had saved my life all those years ago, and then he had saved me from the dark abyss waiting for me afterwards. I owed him everything I had.

I was dazed. I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting on the living room floor but I could feel the sun rising beyond the windows. I had left it dangerously late and I needed to choose my resting place for the night sooner rather than later.

I knew Gabriel would be waiting for me in the bedroom. It would be awkward but if I apologised then I hoped everything would return to normal.

I could stand my ground and sleep in the spare bedroom. I would be alone and I would feel the gutwrenching pain that only appeared when I was separated from Gabriel, but I would be asserting my independence, standing my ground in a difficult situation.

My feet carried me forward without me even thinking about it. That happened a lot when it came to my decisions about Gabriel. It was as if there was a tiny part of my brain that was designed purely to control my actions around him.

I stumbled forward, trying to push all thoughts of Emma from my head. I had done so well recently when it came to avoiding thoughts of her. I had spent most of my time enjoying my newly restored happiness, so Emma’s tragic death had been the last thing on my mind.

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about her as I made my journey across the living room. I could see her in everything. When I looked in the mirror her image was projected there, and I could imagine her scent on the books Gabriel had taken with him. She was even lingering in the family photos left by the flat’s previous tenant.

My hand joined my feet and acted before I even had time to think. I pushed the door open and I was instantly confident in my decision.

Gabriel was lying on our bed. Although his face was stern it had taken more of a paternal twist rather than a disapproving one. It felt comforting, as if he was watching over me and trying to make sure I made the right decisions.

“I knew you’d come back.” I said, his voice maintaining a steady, low tone. It wasn’t angry but there wasn’t any joy in it either. My accusations, whether true or false, had obviously taken their tole on him too.

I didn’t care. I was all smiles, I couldn’t help myself. Emma disappeared from my head instantly and Gabriel took her place. No matter what happened between us I would always love him, I knew that. I was willing to put aside my darkest worries and suspicions in order to keep some normality with him.

If I didn’t have my relationship with Gabriel then I didn’t have anything, and we were both aware of that.

“I couldn’t resist” I whispered, smiling and making my way to join him on the bed.

I was still wearing my clothes from the hunt but I didn’t care. All that mattered was that I was with him and we were a unit again. That was the only thing that ever mattered.

We lay together just looking at one another. Nothing felt better than being close to him. I was already beginning to forget everything that had gone before, all my doubts and worries.

As they slipped away, I reminded myself not to forget them completely. I needed to put them to one side so that I could get on with my life, but I couldn’t just bury my worries again. That would surely lead to more troubles in the future, and I couldn’t risk that.

As we began to drift off I realised I had to clear the air. Although it was obvious that Gabriel was no longer concerned with our argument it didn’t feel right to leave it without any further discussion.

I cleared my throat, readying myself for my apology. “I’m sorry.” I whispered.

Gabriel’s eyes opened slowly and his gaze softened. He shuffled closer to me and kissed my forehead. I felt as if all the burden I held, all the weight resting on my shoulders, was falling away and leaving nothing but contentment.

We would sleep and then the next night we would wake up and everything would be right again. We’d hunt and then fall into each other’s arms, exhausted yet fulfilled. It was the nightly routine that had come to represent my life.

He brushed the hair away from my face as he always did. It was a loving gesture and whenever he did it I knew he was in a good mood. It still felt like a paternal gesture. It was as if he was checking up on me, making sure I was alright because that was his purpose in life.

“It’s ok. I forgive you. I’m sorry for the way I behaved.” He whispered back, his lips lingering just in front of mine.

We both felt the sun rising at that moment. We were safe in the sun tight, sealed bedroom but it wasn’t healthy for a vampire to avoid sleep. I was desperate to talk with Gabriel, to have him hold me while we talked about our past and our future, but I needed to sleep to be on top of my game.

I knew that Gabriel didn’t need me to hunt. He was already pretty powerful on his own after his years of experience. I had my uses of course, especially when it came to killing couples, and I knew that couples were his meal of choice.

I let my eyes close and began to drift away. The last thought that surfaced just before I slept was my willingness to apologise. It had certainly solved the problems we had, but when I thought about it I wasn’t sure if I meant my apology. I was just trying to ease the situation. I wanted Gabriel to forgive me and I wanted everything to go back to normal, but I hadn’t forgotten what had happened.

Gabriel was definitely picking these women for some reason and he had avoided telling me. Despite what I was telling myself Emma still hadn’t disappeared from my mind either. I was more like her than I had ever imagined and it worried me how easy it would be for me to slip into her world of depression and loneliness.

I had thought of killing myself once before, when Gabriel and I had first fallen out. I hadn’t of course, mainly because I couldn’t tear myself away from my mate as the bond between us was too strong, but if I could even contemplate it then it meant I was capable of doing it.

I was turning into Emma more and more every night. Gabriel was hiding something from me and it was driving me insane. That night was not a night of peaceful sleep. All I could think about was Emma’s tragic life and death and my suspicions over Gabriel’s true intentions.

I wouldn’t ask him about it again. I would pretend that I had put away my worries and moved on, but in reality I would have to keep an eye on him. There was too much going on in his head that I didn’t know about, and I needed answers before it was too late.

As if I didn’t have enough to deal with, it only took a few days before my stalker resurfaced. I thought I had managed to avoid him. He hadn’t appeared in a while, and it seemed as if he had finally lost interest in me.

As I walked through the park with Gabriel after we had made our kill for the night, I felt the familiar prickling feeling that came with being watched. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end and I felt as if I was alone in a room, singled out by some unseen figure.

I slowed down, trying to pinpoint the location of my stalker. I was fed up with having to watch my back while I was out on the hunt. It wasn’t right that a creature of such strength and power should be reduced to fear like this.

Gabriel noticed that I was slowing down. I tried to seem nonchalant, smiling at him and acting like nothing had happened. Of course Gabriel knew me too well for that and he could tell something was wrong. 

“Are you alright?” He asked, coming to a stop and taking both of my hands in his.

I nodded and plastered on my usual fake smile. I could still feel the eyes drilling in to my back but there was no one around, at least no one who I could see. We were close to home and I was worried that we would lead the stalker back to our nest. I needed to know that there was one place where I would be free from danger. If I didn’t feel comfortable in my own home than nothing would ever make me feel safe.

“Do you ever get the feeling that someone’s watching you?” I asked. I tried to act like I wasn’t actually concerned. I didn’t want him to realise I was being followed.