The Devil's Tattoo (17 page)

"I've wanted you for so long," he said, caressing my
breasts as his lips found mine again. Grinding into me, I felt just how much he
meant it. A hand slid to the small of my back and pulled me harder against the
length of his body.

I couldn't help arching my back, pressing myself into his hands,
moaning into his mouth. This was going way too fast, but I couldn't stop myself.
I was beyond stopping myself. Everywhere he touched burned. I was lost.

My hands found the hem of his board shorts of their own accord and
slid underneath, eliciting a sharp gasp for their effort. God, all this time I
had wanted him, I never knew it would feel like this.
So
utterly uncontrollable.

He buried his face into the crook of my neck and trailed kisses up
towards my ear making my whole body tingle and I wanted him closer. Inside. I
would have done anything.

"Zoe, baby…"

My eyes snapped open and suddenly I felt like I was back there.
That one little word pulled me back into my reality so fast it was like it had
given me whiplash.
Back into the life where I didn't trust
anyone.
Pain from a long time ago shot up my right arm and I bit down
hard on my lip. Automatically, I pushed my palms against Will's chest and his
hands dropped from me, the phantom pain subsiding.

"Zoe?" Will was looking at me, a frown creasing his
forehead.

A bead of water trailed down his cheek from his wet hair and I
stared at that, because it was better than looking him in the eye.
So close, yet so far.

"Zoe?" he said again and it was enough to push me into
action. He still had me against the mirror, so I wriggled away from him,
picking up the top half of my bathers, an arm across my chest.

"I can't," I said thinly, not trusting myself to look at
him. If I looked at him he would see. We're in my hotel room, so I walked
out and grabbed a t-shirt and dragged
a pair jeans
on,
tugging my boots onto my feet.

"Zoe?" Will had followed me. "Did I do something
wrong? I'm sorry, I…"

"I'm sorry, I can't," I said, picking up my phone and
room key. "It's not you." I knew this was probably a stupid thing to
do, but I couldn't stop myself. It's like a default setting with me. Things get
good so go and shit all over it.

"Zoe," he pleaded with me again. "What just
happened?"

I went to walk past, aiming for the door, but he grabbed my arm,
forcing me to look at him. "I know a runner when I see one, Zoe." He
said it like he knew, but I tried to ignore it. I just needed to get away and
think about this.

I felt tears stinging behind my eyes, threatening to pool and I
tore my arm away. "I can't."

He just stared at me with a mixture of hurt and disbelief and
didn't try to stop me again.

It's not until I was out the front of the hotel next to the taxi
rank that I
realised
I had to get as far away as I
could. No one else was waiting, so I opened the back passenger door of the
first car.

"You free?"

The driver nodded and I slid inside.

"Where to, love?" he asked and I faltered.

"Is there a museum near here?" I asked. A museum would
be quiet.

"Yeah, there's an art gallery not too far."

"Okay," I said before I lost my nerve, "take me
there."

CHAPTER
TWENTY

Will

I watched the door close behind Zoe with a look of disbelief. What
the hell just happened?

My lips burnt with the memory of her kiss. My entire body seared.
I sat on the edge of the bed, my hair still dripping and took in heaving
breaths, calming myself down.

Had I pushed her too far too fast? When she'd stood over me like
that, I couldn't control myself anymore. I had to have her. If I didn't kiss
her right then, I would have exploded. She'd kissed me
back,
her hands had been all over me.

Had I hurt her? I wasn't really dressed appropriately for chasing
her through the hotel and by the way she'd run out, she didn't want me to. She
said she couldn't, that it wasn't me, but I couldn't help but feel that I'd
done something. This whole thing hadn't gone the way I'd hoped.

Right now, there was only one thing I could do. I left Zoe's hotel
room and went back out to the pool where everyone was still horsing around
enjoying the sunshine.

When I caught Dee's eye his smile fell. Gesturing to him, he came
over, a scowl firmly plastered on his face.

"I don't like that look on your face, Will."

"It's Zoe," I started, not sure how to say it.

"Where is she?"

"She ran off... I..." I didn't get a chance to finish
what I was trying to say. Dee pushed me hard against the wall, his expression
dark.

"What did you do to her?" he hissed.

"
Nothing
," I spat, shoving him away. "I
kissed her. That's all."

"And she just ran off?
Dude
."

"It's not funny, Dee. She freaked the fuck out and ran. I
don't know where she went." I'm almost at the point of panicking myself.

Dee frowned as if he understood her reaction.

"What is it?" I asked. "Did something happen to
her? Did I do something wrong?"

"I have to go find her," Dee said, ignoring me.

"Look," I said, running a hand over my face. "I
care about her. A lot. The last thing I want is to hurt her."

"Mate..." he began, but I cut him off.

"I don't know what I did, but I'm afraid..."

"Did she say where she was going?"

"No. She just bolted."

Dee regarded me for a moment
,
his expression conflicted
. He obviously
was torn between helping Zoe and letting me into their little world.
"Look, I'm the first to admit that I thought you were a douche. I mean,
you didn't help, but I believe you. I'm going to find her, but I think it's
better you stay away for now."

"Why?"

"She'd probably kill me if she knew I was telling you this,
but she's attracted to you. Has been for ages. She's been through a lot of crap
in the last few years and I think the thought of you scares the shit outta
her."

"Dee..."

"Mate, all I'm saying is just to give her a little space. Let
me talk to her. I'll bring her back."

"I can't just leave her," I argued.

"Trust me." He put a hand on my shoulder to stop me from
following.

Grinding my teeth, I said, "I'd do anything for her.
Anything. If you say she needs space, I don't like it, but I'll give her
space."

Dee sighed, his
demeanour
changing.
"She's lucky to have someone like you who cares for her. You're
alright."

"I'm choosing to take that as a compliment," I said,
thinly.

He clapped me on the shoulder and left the pool, my head sagging.
I couldn't face the others and their assumptions about what had happened, so I
went back to my room to wait.

Watching Dee leave without me was the hardest thing I'd ever had
to do. Knowing that Zoe was hurting and not being able to do anything about it
tore my heart in two. And the possibility that I'd done something to cause it
cut deep.

I just had to be patient and wait.

CHAPTER
TWENTY-ONE

ZOE

Turned out the art gallery I was dropped off at was the National
Gallery of Australia. I wandered through the collections, hardly taking in
anything. The one saving grace of this place was that it was quiet like I'd hoped
it would be. Being a weekday, not that many people were around. I didn't want
to see anyone. Not even a bunch of strangers.

Wandering into the Impressionist gallery, I stopped in front of a
Monet painting of a haystack and stared at all the little brushstrokes, picking
out the individual
colours
. I probably stood there
looking like a zombie for a full fifteen minutes before I sat on the bench
behind me. Luckily, the room was empty.

I gathered it had been about forty-five minutes since I'd fled.
What the hell had happened? My past had come crashing down so fast it had
almost suffocated me. Things had been so good lately. So good in fact, all that
crap had started to become a tiny blip on my radar. Now, it was the only thing
on it.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't. Wrapping my arms around my stomach,
I tried to forget the feeling of Will's hands on me. His lips. His kiss. But I
burned with the memory of it. I also burned with another memory.

I wasn't going back there. So, I'd
ran
.

My phone began to ring and it was shrill in the silence, making me
jump. I fumbled it out of my jeans pocket and saw that is was Dee calling.
Will would
have said something to him. He didn't have my
number.

I pressed the green accept icon and pressed the phone to my ear.

"Zoe?" Dee sounded frantic.

"Yeah," I breathed, any energy I had suddenly fleeing
the scene.

"Are you okay?"

I wanted to shrug, but it wouldn't have translated well on a phone
call. Instead I grunted.

"What happened?"

"I can't."

"He's worried about you, Zoe. So am I."

"What did you say?" I asked thinly, the accusation clear
in my voice.

"Nothing. It's not my place to tell him anything."

"You better not have."

"Zoe, come back. He cares for you. We all do. Right now
you're scaring the shit outta me."

"I can't right now."

"At least tell me where you are so I can come sit with
you."

"I can't keep draining your life, Dee. It's not fair."

"Maybe not, but I want to. I love you, you know." The
silence was deafening.

"I'm at the National Gallery," I said numbly.

"Where are you inside?"

"I'm looking at Monet's Haystacks."

"Don't move, I'm coming."

I let the phone drop into my lap and watched the call disconnect.

You know, what they say in books and movies, how
people fall in love and it consumes them? I never believed it. Not for one
second.
That kind of love?
I tried and tried and never
found it and I can't believe anymore. It just hurts too much.

My one true love is this silly band I'm part of.
The Devil's Tattoo.
And this Will
Strickland thing?
That was more trouble than it was worth. It
would consume me and leave me broken again. I was fooling myself that I could
go on and not have shit happen again. I wasn't going back there. I would never
go back.
Ever
.

We got through our show in Canberra the next night without
incident. It wasn't one of our best, but I got up there and played and did my
thing. The moment we finished, Dee let me go back to the hotel, telling me he
would take care of our stuff. I was so thoroughly embarrassed, angry and
overwhelmed after my freak out, I couldn't face anyone and hightailed it.

Thankfully, Will left me alone. I knew Dee had something to do
with it, but I didn't question anything. I just put my head down and went
through the motions. The day before, Dee had sat with me at the art gallery in
silence for an hour before I worked up the courage to go back. He did so much
for me and I seemed to give him so little… I'd find a way to make it up to him.
I couldn't keep this up.

The next day we had another bus ride to endure. Simone sat with me
in the car park as the trailer was secured and I stared at the asphalt.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I just need some time."

"Do you
wanna
ride with me
today?"

I looked up at her hopefully and she smiled. 

"Dean?" she called out and he wandered over, hands in
his pockets. "Do you mind if Zoe rides with me today?"

"I'll hang with the guys in the bus," Dean said, patting
me on the shoulder.

I didn't have it in me to argue as he wandered off to where I knew
the guys were standing, loading up the last of the gear. I wanted to get away
from Will. After running out on him like that, I couldn't look him in the face.
Not yet.

I had to
apologise
to him eventually. I
had to tell him I couldn't… I wasn't ready for that yet. I'd made it so
glaringly obvious.

My phone buzzed in my hand and I looked at the text that had just
appeared from Dee. I knew he was watching us from across the car park, but I
was determined not to look.

You okay? Do I need to smite anyone?
xx

I smiled a little at his reference to our first show, when I'd
asked him to smite Will for being such a shameless man-whore. I thought Dee had
been too drunk to remember.
Apparently not.

Not yet
, I texted back.

"Ready to go?" Simone asked.

I folded myself into the front passenger seat and sunk into my
hair as we followed the bus to our next destination.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Simone asked once we
were out on the open highway.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I don't really have the
strength to talk about much right now."

"Okay," she replied, and I could hear the unmistakable
note of concern in her voice. "But, I'm here if you want to."

"I know. I appreciate it." The radio was playing softly,
just loud enough to be heard over the road noise, but it was still painfully
silent. "What's going on with you and Chris?" I asked it as much to
fill the void as to try and come outside myself again.

Simone glanced at me with a small smile and looked back out on the
road. "We had a talk last night after the gig."

"And?"

"We talked."

"About?"

By the way her face reddened, I knew they must have come at least
a little clean with each other. "Did you tell him?"

"Yeah," she sighed.

"Did he tell you?"

"Not in so many words, but we're going to hang out more. See
what happens."

"That's good right?"

"I suppose."

"It's a step in the right direction," I countered her
defeated sounding tone.

"Yeah, but it's still friend zone material."

I sunk back down in the seat and wondered if it was better if I
remained back in the friend zone with Will. Then I remembered how I had
struggled against it. Then I remembered my reaction to getting what I had tried
to bury away inside my broken shell. When I couldn't avoid speaking to him
anymore, how would I play it?
Apologise
and clamp down
the ice walls again. 

"Chris is shy," I said, squashing my thoughts back down
into the pit of my stomach. "He's a good guy and probably doesn't want to
stuff things up."

Simone's only response was to glance at me with a frown.

"When I talked with him, he said he didn't know what to do.
He just doesn't know what to say, so maybe it's a good thing. Hanging
out."

"Yeah," she sighed in reply. "The problem is, I'm
just so damn impatient."

It was like a light bulb flashed over my head when I heard those
words. Maybe that was part of my problem? I'd crushed on Will for months, but I
hadn't really got to know him that well outside of the band. It had only been
three weeks. Three weeks in close proximity, but that was such a short amount
of time and for someone like me, maybe it was too fast to jump into any kind of
relationship above friends. Maybe that was what had triggered my reaction?

Or maybe life had just broken me beyond repair. Maybe I wasn't
meant to fall in love ever again. Maybe this was it.

That night, we had another free one. I hid in the hotel room and
ordered room service like the coward I was. I was still rooming with Dee and
was thankful he was the only one who saw me like this. Behind closed doors, I
had come apart. I couldn't help thinking that I was selfish, relying on him so
much. I
was
selfish. As I'd thought that morning, I had to make it up to
him, but I had no idea how.

I could think of worse things than rooming with Dee.
Like a hole in the head.
That was worse. Sharing with him wasn't
bad,
he was my best friend after all, so it wasn't
weird in the slightest. It didn't matter that I wore boy short underwear and a
tank top to bed. He'd seen it all before and we were firmly in the friend zone.
In fact, we were concreted there.

The only thing that did bother me was that he flung his dirty
clothes everywhere and left his damp towel on the floor. If it wasn’t for the
hotel housekeeping on the nights we stayed more than once, I'd go stark raving
mad.

It was around eleven when Dee came back to the room. He took one
look at me and lay down beside my rumpled form on the bed.

"The guys
wanna
know if you're
okay," he said.

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"
C'mere
," he mumbled, pulling
me into a hug.

We lay like that for a while in silence until I had to say
something. "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I keep doing this to you."

"Doing what?" he sounded confused.

"Falling apart."

"Life wasn't meant to be easy,
Zo
."

"I know."

"You have to talk to him."

"I will. Tomorrow."

"Okay," he said. "Well, I'm just in the next bed if
you need me, okay?"

He slid into his own bed, and in true Dee fashion, he was asleep
in minutes. But for me, it didn't come easy. When I finally managed to drift
off, it was headfirst into a dream. You know that place where you still feel
wide awake
, but you're in a weird place and you know it
isn't real? That's where I was and I couldn't do anything about it.

The apartment I used to live in was made from brown brick and the
stairs that led up to our floor were concreted. I'd run up and down them a
million times. Carried boxes and groceries. For two years, I'd gone out and
come home without a care in the world. That was, until the day I had run to get
away. My face throbbed with unshed tears and the promise of a black bruise
swelling up against my pale skin.