The Countdown to Thirty (9 page)

He watched me batter and fry while he talked about how busy
his schedule’s been and about how his baby mama’s been tripping because of the
brand new Camaro he purchased a few months ago. I did my part by going out of
my way to be supportive and offer insight into a woman’s perspective of things
that way he could better understand some of her irrational ways. I wasn’t
giving her an excuse for taking him back to court for increased child support
when they already split the kids 50/50, but as I said I offered him insight.

Eventually we took our plates out to the patio along with
some margarita’s Malcolm mixed up in the kitchen.

We ate, we talked and we laughed and as the night progressed
I felt truly appreciative of this moment with him. No it wasn’t my fancy dinner
out on the town but it worked for tonight. Listening to him talk and share his
stories with me always drew me closer to him and I pictured what it would be
like if I was his wife, or if we had a little Malcolm Jr. together. I was
telling him about a potential road trip I was probably going to make to
California soon to see my Mama and my sisters when I saw Sonya’s car pull up
and park.

“Hey girl,” I said as she approached the stairs wearing her
purse on her shoulder and carrying her laptop case.

“Hey Kaia,” She replied in a friendly tone as she made her
way up the steps.

“Sonya this is my friend Malcolm, Malcolm this is Sonya
she’s my next door neighbor.”

“How Sonya, nice to meet you,” Malcolm replied nodding his
head to greet her.

“Hi, nice to meet you to,” She said while she ran the rest
of the way up the stairs. “I have to make a phone call, I’ll see you later
Kaia.”

She was clearly in no rush to hang around or converse if
even for a moment. It was a little surprising since she always seemed to be the
life of the party type – at least until something got on her nerves. Not quite
sure what that was all about but I brushed it away from my mind and redirected
my attention back to Malcolm, my love. I took a sip of my margarita and walked
over to his side of the table taking a seat in his lap.

“So baby,” I said starting off my intro into questioning our
relationship. “You know I really miss you when we’re apart for so long. Do you
feel that way about me to?” I asked looking him in the eyes.

He smiled. “You know I miss you.” He said confidently while
placing a sexy sweet kiss on my lips.

“I know you do.” I paused for a moment trying to build my
confidence before bringing up the topic that I knew he didn’t want to talk
about. “You know we’ve been casually dating for a year now and I love spending
time with you and I love what you stand for and I’m ready to move forward with
you to the next level.”

He let out an exasperated sigh and threw his head back like
he didn’t want to go through this again. My confidence started to depreciate
and my heart began to break because everything in his body language was showing
me that he didn’t want the same.

“What level is that Kaia? Marriage, kids?” He said sounding
annoyed and like what I was asking him for was ridiculous.

I wanted to just abandon the conversation all together
because I couldn’t take the way he was making me feel. He looked at me angrily
like I had done something wrong. I stuck to my grounds though and forced myself
to continue.

“No, I mean yes one day I would like that with you. Right
now I’m just asking for a solid commitment. I mean we’ve been seeing each other
for two years and I still can’t even call you my boyfriend. I’m ready to
move-on from friends.” I said hoping he’d understand my plea.

He placed his hands on my waist and joisted me up from his
lap. He stood up and grabbed his plate and his glass and walked into the house
with me quickly following behind.

“Malcolm?” I called after him.

“Look,” he said snapped, “I told you when I met you I had a
lot on my plate and that I wasn’t ready for a commitment. I got my ex-wife
fucking drive me crazy, two kids to take care of and here you are sweating me
about some relationship shit. Are you really that selfish? Huh?” He said
looking at me like I’d just asked him to give me a million dollars when I
already had ten.

I’d never seen him get this angry before and it scared me. I
felt like a complete fool now. With my confidence level plummeting by the
second I tried again to reason with him.

“No, I’m not selfish, I know how much you have to deal with
I just think we could do this together…be a team.” I said as my voice faded
lower and lower.

With his hands pressed against the granite counter-top he
chuckled, “Be a team? I was a team with my ex-wife and look where that’s gotten
me.” He exhaled, “Kaia I’m never getting married again, I’m not having any more
kids and you need to deal with that.”

My heart sank so low I didn’t think it would beat again. I
felt my emotions surge and then become an overwhelming force that gave me no
choice but to explode into tears. I covered my mouth with my hands and ran to
the refuge of my room. Closing the door behind me I threw myself onto my
blanket, buried my head in my satin pillowcase and cried. I felt horrible and
undesirable to Malcolm. If he loved me the way I loved him there would be no
reason why he wouldn’t want to commit to me.

“Why didn’t he love me? What was so wrong with me that he
didn’t want to claim me as his woman?” I questioned myself feeling hurt,
confused and like I was the most unwanted woman in the world.

I lay there in the bed for a long while clinging on to my
pillow. I went back and forth in my mind replaying what happened and how
quickly things went sour. I could never seem to just put it to him the right
way, express how I feel without making him angry.

Several minutes later I wasn’t sure if Malcolm had left or
what he was doing because the house was so quiet. I got up and walked to my
bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I thought about how I had rushed
to get home and prepare myself for him and how he didn’t even appreciate it. I
pictured myself when I was in this very bathroom earlier tonight applying my
eyeliner and mascara, I was happy and excited; I felt beautiful. Now I stared
at myself and my eyes were blood shot red and puffy from crying. Black mascara
tears stained my face and I no longer looked attractive, I just looked
pathetic. I grabbed a wash cloth and held it under running cold water and
imagined myself being lonely forever and never having the family I wanted. The
thought of that hurt me so much I broke down to my knees and started crying
again.

“Kaia,” I heard Malcolm call from the other side of the
door.

His voice surprised me and I immediately stopped crying. I
stood up and took the washcloth and began washing my face.

Choking the sob that wanted to leap out of my throat I
replied, “I thought you were gone.” Still from inside the bathroom.

“Come out, let me talk to you.” He said in a calmer tone
then the one he’d used with me earlier.

I took a few moments to blow my nose then resumed washing my
face. After composing myself I came out of the bathroom not knowing what to
expect. I wanted him to apologize and tell me I was right and he was wrong. I
wanted him to tell me that he really cared about me and that we could get through
anything together. Instead he grabbed my hands, led me over to the bed and
began kissing me. He slowly began pulling my dress above my waist then my head
dropping it to the floor. He continued kissing me while he unhooked my bra and
I fought with myself internally.

Why am I letting him do this? Make him stop he doesn’t
deserve you.

But I found it easier to let him have his way instead of
stopping him and risk losing him for this moment we did have together.

He worked his lips down my neck then migrated to my breast
taking my nipples into his mouth at the same time and sucking them whole. My
heart began to pulsate back to life as I watched him with my breasts in his
hands as he flicked my nipples with his tongue. I let out moans of pleasure and
allowed myself to be taken by him. It was the only thing I could do to numb the
pain at the moment. He grabbed my behind and picked me up as he climbed on top
of the bed and positioned us in the center of the mattress. He laid me down
gently on my back and removed his shirt exposing his hard chest and eight pack
abs. Then he removed his pants and proceeded in sliding my panties of me slowly
and delicately. He handled me so gently as if he was trying to make-up for the
pain he caused. He positioned himself in between my legs then stopped and
looked me in my eyes.

“Titles don’t matter to me, I love you. That’s what’s
important.” He said as he then entered me in a slow and passionate motion.

A tear rolled down my face because even if his words were
genuine, I knew the chances of him giving me what I wanted most in life, a
loving family, were slim to none. But I allowed myself to believe him anyway
and let my body succumb to his slow grinding motion. He worked his way in and
out of me causing me to moan like crazy and imagine that I was making love to
my husband and him to his wife.

When I woke up in the morning Malcolm and all traces of him
were gone. I was alone again and filled with sadness.

Sonya

It was still dark when Kaia and I pulled out of Chateau
Oasis and headed for the 15 South towards Primm. We had nearly impossible hopes
of purchasing a winning Powerball ticket, or at least I did. Besides an
occasional dip in the pool followed by Sunday dinner at my mother’s I rarely
seemed to leave the house anymore. I was willing to do almost anything to break
up the monotony of my boring weeks turned into a month and a half from still
being unemployed, so to the state line I go.

The odds were against me at about 175 million to 1 and after
begging and pleading with Kaia for nearly three days she agreed to come along
with me. Weeks ago about an hour before our scheduled installation appointment
with ADT, which turned out to be an extra $30 per month out of my pocket (but
was offset by the $100 VISA gift card we received for new installs), she’d come
over to my apartment and woefully described the big fight she and Malcolm had
the night before. She shed lots of tears while I tried to comfort her the best
way I could, but I knew better than most that only time can heal the wounds of
the heart. He’d hurt her deeply. She hadn’t been her same Positive Polly self
lately. When she tried to smile she’d only seemed to radiate doom and gloom.
Even though we’d only known each other a short time, I cared for this girl.

“So Kaia do you have any numbers in mind? You know when you
hit the jackpot I want a piece of that prize money right?” I joked trying to
lift her spirits.

“You can have it all,” She said, “Why would I need millions
of dollars anyway?”

“So you can buy a mansion and buy your friend one to.” I
chortled.

“You know, I bet if I had millions I could get any guy I
wanted then. I wouldn’t have to worry about Malcolm putting a ring on it.” She
said dully.

“Yea, but then you wouldn’t be able to tell if the guy loved
you for you or for your money,” I said wishing she’d pep up and realize the
craziness in her comments.

I turned the radio on to a Neo Soul station and transitioned
from the 95 South to the 15 South headed out of Vegas. I loved early morning
drives like this. The roads were peaceful and still and the sun would be rising
over the horizon soon. The brief thirty-minute drive to Primm at this time in
the morning was perfect to clear my mind and find my center. I’d been so
stressed out about my bills and lack of money that I was starting to doubt
myself again. The only things that brought me any kind of reassurance were my
jewelry designs for the bachelorette party. By the way they were coming along
beautifully which reminded me I needed to show Saundra my prototypes and get
her approval so she could write a check for the materials I needed to order.

After spending hours online and perusing the isles of
Jo-Ann’s I desperately wanted to whip out a credit card and stock up on beads,
and chains, and wires, and jewels for my own business venture. But with no real
income that wasn’t possible. I can’t buy supplies for my business without a
decent paying job and since I haven’t received not one callback lately it was
all a great big catch-22. I was beginning to feel like just another face in the
crowd. This life isn’t good enough and even through all of my efforts I still
feel powerless at the moment and that part that hurts the most.

I glanced over at Kaia and could sense the pain in her
heart. I took a sip of the hot coffee we’d made before leaving the house and
decided that enough was enough. I couldn’t stand to see her sad anymore, she
was bringing me down now. I knew that keeping in all of this pain wasn’t good
for her. She was too pretty and smart and successful to let his lame ass keep her
down.

“So talk to me girl. How long are you going to let this
asshole affect your life?”

She let out a sigh, “He hasn’t called me. I haven’t heard
from him since that night. I don’t know what to think right now.”

“Is that normal? How long do you guys normally go without
talking?” I asked trying to get a better picture of the dynamic of their
relationship.

“It depends, sometimes a week, sometimes less, never this
long though.” She confessed. “That night I thought I was doing the right thing
by asking him to commit to me. I wasn’t asking for a ring, I just told him I
wanted to move-on to the next level and he freaked out.”

“What makes you think you didn’t do the right thing? I think
you were completely justified in asking him to commit to you. I mean two years
went by, what did he expect? You did the right thing.” I said in an effort to
comfort her.

“Was it though? I feel worse off now than I did before.” She
said with her head leaned against the window looking out at the road. “This
feeling I have right now just doesn’t seem worth it.”

“Kaia if he can’t be man enough to commit to you after two
years then you don’t need him in your life. What’s so great about him anyway?
What is it about him that has you so caught up?” I asked wanting to know what
this guy did that made her fall so head over heels.

“Besides the fact that he’s mature and goal-oriented, he’s
fun to talk to, he’s a responsible father, and he turned his love of fitness
into his career. He makes me smile.” She said as her face grew a reminiscent look.

“Okay, those are decent qualities in a man, but tell me
something specific that he did that made you feel like he was the one for you.
Did he ever show you that he was interested in being committed?” I asked.

She tilted her head up to the ceiling while her face wore a
puzzled look. She was clearly trying to think hard on this one. She stayed
quiet for a while before responding. Turning to me and gaining some excitement
in her voice she tried to explain.

“It’s not like anything that he did specifically, I just see
the potential in him and what we could be...together. You know how it is Sonya
when you meet someone and you’re like wow, if we get together I could see us
doing this, and see us doing that. I guess when it comes down to it he really
hasn’t done anything specific, I guess I just loved the idea of it all.” She
replied truthfully.

“Ah ha!” I proclaimed with my finger pointed in the air like
I’d just discovered something very profound.

“Ah ha what?” Kaia questioned with an inquisitive look on
her face.

“Malcolm’s never really showed you anything that said he
would be or even could be committed to you. You saw his potential and the
possibility of how he could fulfill your dreams and you fell in love with the
idea of him.” I said while putting my fingers in quotation marks when I said
potential and idea.

“So this is my fault then.” She said defensively probably
feeling like I was getting down on her.

“No, no it’s not. Did you tell him what you wanted from the
beginning? Did he know you wanted a relationship?”

“Yes,” She replied, “Before we ever became intimate I told
him I wanted to get married and have children before I got too old. I stressed
the importance of both of those things in my life.” She said in her defense.

“And yet he slept with you anyway and kept sleeping with
you. He’s led you to think that some day when he got the kinks worked out in
his life he’d be ready to commit. But that hasn’t been his plan and that’s what
makes him an asshole and another guy to put on my shit list.” I said, “It’s not
your fault Kaia, you just can’t settle for what these guys are willing to give
cause’ it ain’t much trust me.”

Kaia looked at me and smiled, “He’s on your shit list?” she
asked in a mellow tone.

I laughed, “Yes he is, and any other guy that tries to hurt
you.”

“Well thank you. I appreciate that.” She said. “What is it
with men that make it so easy for them to lie to and mislead women?”

“Plain and simple, they’re selfish. It’s like in their DNA
or something. It can be cured for some of them, but I think the majority are a
lost cause. You know if you ask me I’d throw them all down a hole and only
bring them up for breeding and heavy labor.”

We both laughed at that.

“Kaia it’s imperative that you learn to find your voice. You
have to stick up for yourself and for the things you want. You have to toughen
up and take a stance in your life.” I said giving her my honest heart felt
opinion.

“I know. That’s something I’ve been battling my whole life.
Trust me that’s one gene I wish I’d inherited from my mother. She has no
problem with telling it like it is.” She confessed. “It hurts though you know.
Being rejected like that.”

“I know it does and I’m sorry you had to go through that.
But I can’t stand to see you so miserable anymore.” I replied feeling relieved
that she seemed to lighten up a bit.

“Tell me Sonya, how can you go through life and not bat an
eye about being single? What’s your secret girl because guys look at you and
you don’t even give them the time of day?” She asked like I was going to unlock
some secret answer that could help all women. “It’s like you’re immune to
these...assholes.”

“There you go. Sometimes you just need to curse to release
the tension. That’s what I do.” I said laughing before responding to her
question. I felt I could trust Kaia with my inner most secrets of Lamont but I
didn’t want to bring the mood down. But I didn’t want to be dishonest with her
either. It was important to let her know how badly I’ve been hurt and that I
didn’t get to the place of blissful singleness easily.

“Well, while I was in college at UNR I started dating this
guy who was older than me. He didn’t go to school with me but I met him at a
club one night. To make a long story short, he became really abusive and I
started slipping on my responsibilities at work and school.” I paused to take a
sip of my coffee before continuing on with the next part, “I got pregnant and
he pretty much went into a rage on me. He wanted me to get rid of it, it.” I
said beginning to feel angry at the thought of what transpired years ago.

She said nothing but shook her head in disbelief.

“But for the most part I’m over it now. I’m just trying to
recoup from the time I lost feeling sorry for myself. I’m trying to continue on
with my plans but I wasted so much fucking time that it seems so hard. Men are
only an annoyance in my life. I just don’t have the time for them. I guess
that’s why it’s easy for me not to care about them.”

“I understand,” Kaia said, “I completely understand now. If
only I had an ounce of your strength when it came to men, I’d be fucking
unstoppable.”

I was surprised to actually hear more profanity come out of
her mouth. I was becoming a good influence on her after all.

“And if only I had an ounce of your career I’d be fucking
unstoppable to!”

We continued to drive the long stretch of highway when Kaia
asked, “Did you hear the latest news about that story? The one about the home
invasion with the pregnant woman – Jeanette Myers?”

“No I haven’t. What happened? She didn’t die did she?” I
asked in desperation hoping that that wasn’t the case.

“No, she’s still hanging in there but her boyfriend - well
actually he’s her fiancé - he’s taking it really hard. He’s been all over the
news crying and begging people for leads and prayers. He wants justice, it’s so
sad. There’s a bank account setup in his name so people can donate money for
the medical bills and things. I sent fifty dollars.”

I nodded my head in approval of Kaia’s decision to make that
donation, “That’s really cool of you Kaia. Damn, I wish I could help. I really
hope they find those MF’s, but first I hope her and the baby get better, and
fast. I really don’t understand this world we live in sometimes.”

The mood eventually evolved from melancholy to adventurous
when we ended up switching the subject to lighter topics like what we were
going to buy when we hit the jackpot. My first plan was to buy a moderately
sized mansion in cash then skip off to the Virgin Islands for a year. Kaia was
maybe a little more sensible than me and said the first thing she would do was
buy her mother a house, any house she wanted, then retire early and travel the
world.

Right before reaching Primm the sun had begun to rise and
dawn’s beauty was approaching. The normally boring view of outstretched desert
on the open road was magical at this time of morning. It was amazing to think
how fast you could be in the middle of nowhere and yet just a few minutes away
from the most famous city in the world.

When we got to Primm we had to stand in line about twenty
minutes to buy our winning Power Ball tickets at the California Nevada state
line. The Jackpot was at twenty-three million but before I put my numbers in I
said a quick prayer to God asking that I picked the magic numbers. Twenty three
million would change my life. I wouldn’t need to worry about working another
day in my life, but that wasn’t my style.

As we walked back to my car Kaia asked “Have you ever been
to Buffalo Bills?”

“Yes a few times when I was a kid. That was a long time ago
though.”

“Do you like rollercoasters?” She asked in a voice that told
me she was up to something.

“Hell no, I hate them!” I said letting her know riding this
one was out of the question.

“C’mon Sonya, let’s have some fun!” She said pulling my arm
and practically trying to kidnap me.

She was only about three inches taller and ten pounds
heavier than me but was strong like an amazon. I felt like I was being dragged
across the parking lot.

“Help!” I yelled trying to pull away, “Somebody help me!” I
screamed causing me and Kaia to burst out laughing hysterically. Only then did
she let me go.

“Damn Xena Warrior Princess! Can we go back home now?” I
asked out of breath and hot now that the sun had fully emerged.

“Hey you’re the one who wanted to come all the way out here.
I’m just making the most of it.” She laughed out of breath herself, “They’re
probably not open anyway.”