The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (869 page)

My lord, you played once i' the university, you say?

LORD POLONIUS

Yes I did, my lord, and I was pretty good.

That did I, my lord; and was accounted a good actor.

HAMLET

What play did you perform?

What did you enact?

LORD POLONIUS

I was in Julius Caesar. I was killed in the Capitol by Brutus.

I did enact Julius Caesar: I was killed i' theCapitol; Brutus killed me.

HAMLET

What a brute to slaughter such a capital calf. Are the performers ready?

It was a brute part of him to kill so capital a calfthere. Be the players ready?

ROSENCRANTZ

Yes, sir, they are waiting for you.

Ay, my lord; they stay upon your patience.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Come here, Hamlet, and sit by me.

Come hither, my dear Hamlet, sit by me.

HAMLET

No, Mother, this seat is better.

No, good mother, here's metal more attractive.

LORD POLONIUS

[To KING CLAUDIUS]

Did you hear that? What do you make of it?

O, ho! do you mark that?

HAMLET

Lady, may I lie in your lap?

Lady, shall I lie in your lap?

Lying down at OPHELIA's feet

OPHELIA

No, my lord.

No, my lord.

HAMLET

I mean with my head in your lap.

I mean, my head upon your lap?

OPHELIA

Yes, my lord.

Ay, my lord.

HAMLET

Did you think I meant something inappropriate?

Do you think I meant country matters?

OPHELIA

I wasn’t thinking anything, my lord.

I think nothing, my lord.

HAMLET

That’s a nice thought to lie between a girl’s legs.

That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.

OPHELIA

What is, sir?

What is, my lord?

HAMLET

Nothing.

Nothing.

OPHELIA

You are happy, my lord.

You are merry, my lord.

HAMLET

Who, me?

Who, I?

OPHELIA

Yes, my lord.

Ay, my lord.

HAMLET

Oh, you silly girl! What man wouldn’t be happy? Just look at my mother, how happy she looks, with my father only dead a couple of hours.

O God, your only jig-maker. What should a man dobut be merry? for, look you, how cheerfully mymother looks, and my father died within these two hours.

OPHELIA

It’s been over four months, my lord.

Nay, 'tis twice two months, my lord.

HAMLET

That long? Well then, for whom am I mourning? Oh God! Dead two months, and not quite forgotten. There is hope for a man’s memory, that it may outlive him. But, he’s got to build churches for that to happen. Otherwise, he will be like the carnival, soon forgotten.

So long? Nay then, let the devil wear black, forI'll have a suit of sables. O heavens! die twomonths ago, and not forgotten yet? Then there'shope a great man's memory may outlive his life halfa year: but, by'r lady, he must build churches,then; or else shall he suffer not thinking on, withthe hobby-horse, whose epitaph is 'For, O, for, O,the hobby-horse is forgot.'

Hautboys play. The dumb-show enters

Enter a King and a Queen very lovingly; the Queen embracing him, and he her. She kneels, and makes show of protestation unto him. He takes her up, and declines his head upon her neck: lays him down upon a bank of flowers: she, seeing him asleep, leaves him. Anon comes in a fellow, takes off his crown, kisses it, and pours poison in the King's ears, and exit. The Queen returns; finds the King dead, and makes passionate action. The Poisoner, with some two or three Mutes, comes in again, seeming to lament with her. The dead body is carried away. The Poisoner wooes the Queen with gifts: she seems loath and unwilling awhile, but in the end accepts his love

Exeunt

OPHELIA

What do you mean, my lord?

What means this, my lord?

HAMLET

It means mischief is brewing.

Marry, this is miching mallecho; it means mischief.

OPHELIA

The play is about to begin.

Belike this show imports the argument of the play.

Enter Prologue

HAMLET

Here comes the players. They are about to begin.

We shall know by this fellow: the players cannotkeep counsel; they'll tell all.

OPHELIA

Will he give us an introduction?

Will he tell us what this show meant?

HAMLET

Yes, or you can put a play on for him. Don’t be ashamed to play and let him tell the story.

Ay, or any show that you'll show him: be not youashamed to show, he'll not shame to tell you what it means.

OPHELIA

You are naughty. I’ll watch the actors.

You are naught, you are naught: I'll mark the play.

Prologue

We humbly present our tragedy for your enjoyment. Please listen.

For us, and for our tragedy,Here stooping to your clemency,We beg your hearing patiently.

Exit

HAMLET

Was that the prologue or an inscription on a ring?

Is this a prologue, or the posy of a ring?

OPHELIA

It was brief, my lord.

'Tis brief, my lord.

HAMLET

As a woman’s love.

As woman's love.

Enter two Players, King and Queen

Player King

We have been married now for thirty years.

Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart gone roundNeptune's salt wash and Tellus' orbed ground,And thirty dozen moons with borrow'd sheenAbout the world have times twelve thirties been,Since love our hearts and Hymen did our handsUnite commutual in most sacred bands.

Player Queen

I hope we have thirty more, but you have not been yourself lately. You seem sad. But, I am just a woman who fears the loss of her love.

So many journeys may the sun and moonMake us again count o'er ere love be done!But, woe is me, you are so sick of late,So far from cheer and from your former state,That I distrust you. Yet, though I distrust,Discomfort you, my lord, it nothing must:For women's fear and love holds quantity;In neither aught, or in extremity.Now, what my love is, proof hath made you know;And as my love is sized, my fear is so:Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear;Where little fears grow great, great love grows there.

Player King

I am afraid I must leave you soon. My body is old and does not work like it used to. You will probably find another husband.

'Faith, I must leave thee, love, and shortly too;My operant powers their functions leave to do:And thou shalt live in this fair world behind,Honour'd, beloved; and haply one as kindFor husband shalt thou--

Player Queen

No man compares to you. I would rather be cursed than to marry again. When a woman marries a second time, she surely was responsible for the first husband’s death.

O, confound the rest!Such love must needs be treason in my breast:In second husband let me be accurst!None wed the second but who kill'd the first.

HAMLET

[Aside]

Ouch!

Wormwood, wormwood.

Player Queen

A second marriage may be for money, but not for love. If I were to kiss my second husband, it would be like killing my first all over again.

The instances that second marriage moveAre base respects of thrift, but none of love:A second time I kill my husband dead,When second husband kisses me in bed.

Player King

I know you believe what you are saying, now, but, you may change your mind. What we promise ourselves during times of great emotion, we may not keep when the emotions subside. After I am gone, your love and grief will run its course and then you may remarry.

I do believe you think what now you speak;But what we do determine oft we break.Purpose is but the slave to memory,Of violent birth, but poor validity;Which now, like fruit unripe, sticks on the tree;But fall, unshaken, when they mellow be.Most necessary 'tis that we forgetTo pay ourselves what to ourselves is debt:What to ourselves in passion we propose,The passion ending, doth the purpose lose.The violence of either grief or joyTheir own enactures with themselves destroy:Where joy most revels, grief doth most lament;Grief joys, joy grieves, on slender accident.This world is not for aye, nor 'tis not strangeThat even our loves should with our fortunes change;For 'tis a question left us yet to prove,Whether love lead fortune, or else fortune love.The great man down, you mark his favourite flies;The poor advanced makes friends of enemies.And hitherto doth love on fortune tend;For who not needs shall never lack a friend,And who in want a hollow friend doth try,Directly seasons him his enemy.But, orderly to end where I begun,Our wills and fates do so contrary runThat our devices still are overthrown;Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own:So think thou wilt no second husband wed;But die thy thoughts when thy first lord is dead.

Player Queen

I will starve first! I will lock myself away in prison before I remarry. I will be a widow forever.

Nor earth to me give food, nor heaven light!Sport and repose lock from me day and night!To desperation turn my trust and hope!An anchor's cheer in prison be my scope!Each opposite that blanks the face of joyMeet what I would have well and it destroy!Both here and hence pursue me lasting strife,If, once a widow, ever I be wife!

HAMLET

She will break that vow!

If she should break it now!

Player King

You have sworn with great passion. Leave me for awhile. I would like to take a nap.

'Tis deeply sworn. Sweet, leave me here awhile;My spirits grow dull, and fain I would beguileThe tedious day with sleep.

Sleeps

Player Queen

Sleep tight and let nothing ever come between us!

Sleep rock thy brain,And never come mischance between us twain!

Exit

HAMLET

Madam, how are you liking this play?

Madam, how like you this play?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I think the lady is overplaying it.

The lady protests too much, methinks.

HAMLET

Oh, but she’ll keep her word.

O, but she'll keep her word.

KING CLAUDIUS

Have you seen this play before? Is there anything offensive in it?

Have you heard the argument? Is there no offence in 't?

HAMLET

No, no! It’s just a joke. I don’t think it is offensive at all.

No, no, they do but jest, poison in jest; no offencei' the world.

KING CLAUDIUS

What is the name of the play?

What do you call the play?

HAMLET

The Mouse-trap. Why? The play is about a murder in Vienna. Gonzago is the duke and his wife is Baptista. You will see, it’s just a common play. It might be uncomfortable for some, but we are guilt-free, so we can watch it without it bothering us.

The Mouse-trap. Marry, how? Tropically. This playis the image of a murder done in Vienna: Gonzago isthe duke's name; his wife, Baptista: you shall seeanon; 'tis a knavish piece of work: but what o'that? your majesty and we that have free souls, ittouches us not: let the galled jade wince, ourwithers are unwrung.

Enter LUCIANUS

This is Lucianus, the king’s nephew.

This is one Lucianus, nephew to the king.

OPHELIA

You are a good interpreter, my lord.

You are as good as a chorus, my lord.

HAMLET