The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (870 page)

I could even interpret your relationship with your lover, if ever I saw you together.
I could interpret between you and your love, if Icould see the puppets dallying.

OPHELIA

You’re so smart, my lord, so smart.

You are keen, my lord, you are keen.

HAMLET

You could make me relax, but it may make you groan a little.

It would cost you a groaning to take off my edge.

OPHELIA

You are so funny! Not!

Still better, and worse.

HAMLET

That’s what women get when they get married.—But, let the murdering begin. Hurry up! “The croaking raven doth bellow for revenge.”

So you must take your husbands. Begin, murderer;pox, leave thy damnable faces, and begin. Come:'the croaking raven doth bellow for revenge.'

LUCIANUS

I am ready. My thoughts are dark, my hands are still, the drugs are here, and it is time. The darkness obscures my actions. Let the magic do its work and take life quickly.

Thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit, and time agreeing;Confederate season, else no creature seeing;Thou mixture rank, of midnight weeds collected,With Hecate's ban thrice blasted, thrice infected,Thy natural magic and dire property,On wholesome life usurp immediately.

Pours the poison into the sleeper's ears

HAMLET

He poisons him in the estates’ garden. His name’s Gonzago. The story is in the finest Italian. Now, you will see how the murderer seduces the duke’s wife.

He poisons him i' the garden for's estate. Hisname's Gonzago: the story is extant, and writ inchoice Italian: you shall see anon how the murderergets the love of Gonzago's wife.

OPHELIA

The King is getting up.

The king rises.

HAMLET

What? Is he scared of this pretend play?

What, frighted with false fire!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Are you feeling okay, my lord?

How fares my lord?

LORD POLONIUS

Stop the play.

Give o'er the play.

KING CLAUDIUS

Someone turn on the lights. I’ve got to get out of here!

Give me some light: away!

All

Lights! Lights!

Lights, lights, lights!

Exeunt all but HAMLET and HORATIO

HAMLET

Oh, let the hunted deer go weep, and let everyone else watch the play. I am putting up such a fine act, I may have to become an actor one day.

Why, let the stricken deer go weep,The hart ungalled play;For some must watch, while some must sleep:So runs the world away.Would not this, sir, and a forest of feathers-- ifthe rest of my fortunes turn Turk with me--with twoProvincial roses on my razed shoes, get me a
fellowship in a cry of players, sir?

HORATIO

They might pay you half of the profits.

Half a share.

HAMLET

I want all of it.

For you know, my dear friend.

This realm was rid of God, himself. And now

reigns a peacock.

A whole one, I.
For thou dost know, O Damon dear,
This realm dismantled was
Of Jove himself; and now reigns here
A very, very--pajock.

HORATIO

You might have rhymed.

HAMLET

Oh Horatio, I’ll take the ghost’s word for the truth. What did you think?

O good Horatio, I'll take the ghost's word for a
thousand pound. Didst perceive?

HORATIO

I agree, my lord.

Very well, my lord.

HAMLET

Did you see how he acted when they mentioned poison?

Upon the talk of the poisoning?

HORATIO

I did, sir.

I did very well note him.

HAMLET

Ah ha! Let’s have some music. Let the musicians play their instruments! If the king doesn’t like the comedy, oh well! Come on, music!

Ah, ha! Come, some music! come, the recorders!
For if the king like not the comedy,
Why then, belike, he likes it not, perdy.
Come, some music!

Re-enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

GUILDENSTERN

My lord, could I have a word with you?

Good my lord, vouchsafe me a word with you.

HAMLET

You can have many words, a whole history.

Sir, a whole history.

GUILDENSTERN

Well, the king, sir…

The king, sir,--

HAMLET

Yes, what of him?

Ay, sir, what of him?

GUILDENSTERN

He is resting and he is very upset.

Is in his retirement marvellous distempered.

HAMLET

Is he drunk, sir?

With drink, sir?

GUILDENSTERN

No, my lord, he is angry.

No, my lord, rather with choler.

HAMLET

You would be wise to tell his doctor. If I were to help, I would only make him angrier.

Your wisdom should show itself more richer to
signify this to his doctor; for, for me to put him
to his purgation would perhaps plunge him into far
more choler.

GUILDENSTERN

Please, my lord, try to be sensible.

Good my lord, put your discourse into some frame and
start not so wildly from my affair.

HAMLET

Okay, I’m listening.

I am tame, sir: pronounce.

GUILDENSTERN

The queen, your mother, is very upset and has sent for you.

The queen, your mother, in most great affliction of
spirit, hath sent me to you.

HAMLET

Glad you could come.

You are welcome.

GUILDENSTERN

You are not being good, my lord. If you cannot give me an answer, then I will excuse myself and return to your mother.

Nay, good my lord, this courtesy is not of the right
breed. If it shall please you to make me a
wholesome answer, I will do your mother's
commandment: if not, your pardon and my return
shall be the end of my business.

HAMLET

Sir, I can’t.

Sir, I cannot.

GUILDENSTERN

Can’t what, my lord?

What, my lord?

HAMLET

I can’t give you a good answer because my mind is not right, but, I’ll be as honest as possible. So, what did my mother want?

Make you a wholesome answer; my wit's diseased: but,
sir, such answer as I can make, you shall command;
or, rather, as you say, my mother: therefore no
more, but to the matter: my mother, you say,--

ROSENCRANTZ

She says your behavior has amazed her and she is very proud of you.

Then thus she says; your behavior hath struck her
into amazement and admiration.

HAMLET

Oh, what a wonderful son who can fill his mother with pride. But, what does she want?

O wonderful son, that can so astonish a mother! But
is there no sequel at the heels of this mother's
admiration? Impart.

ROSENCRANTZ

She wants to speak with you in her room before you go to bed.

She desires to speak with you in her closet, ere you
go to bed.

HAMLET

We shall obey ten times over. Anything else?

We shall obey, were she ten times our mother. Have
you any further trade with us?

ROSENCRANTZ

My lord, we were once friends.

My lord, you once did love me.

HAMLET

We still are. I swear by these hands.

So I do still, by these pickers and stealers.

ROSENCRANTZ

Good, my lord. What is wrong with you? You can’t be a free man with all of your grief locked up inside.

Good my lord, what is your cause of distemper? you
do, surely, bar the door upon your own liberty, if
you deny your griefs to your friend.

HAMLET

Sir, I can’t see any future for myself.

Sir, I lack advancement.

ROSENCRANTZ

How is that possible, when you will be the next king of Denmark?

How can that be, when you have the voice of the king
himself for your succession in Denmark?

HAMLET

Yes, but how does the old proverb go: ‘While the grass grows…’ Oh, that is an old one.

Ay, but sir, 'While the grass grows,'--the proverb
is something musty.

Re-enter Players with recorders

Oh, the recorders are here. Let me see one. Hey, why are you standing so close, as if you would like to kill me?

O, the recorders! let me see one. To withdraw with
you:--why do you go about to recover the wind of me,
as if you would drive me into a toil?

GUILDENSTERN

Oh, sorry, my lord. I just am concerned about you.

O, my lord, if my duty be too bold, my love is too
unmannerly.

HAMLET

I don’t understand why. Here play this.

I do not well understand that. Will you play upon
this pipe?

GUILDENSTERN

My lord, I can’t.

My lord, I cannot.

HAMLET

Come on. I am begging.

I pray you.

GUILDENSTERN

Believe me, I can’t.

Believe me, I cannot.

HAMLET

Please, for me.

I do beseech you.

GUILDENSTERN

I don’t know how.

I know no touch of it, my lord.

HAMLET

It’s as easy as lying. Put your fingers and thumb here and blow. It will make the most beautiful music. Here are the holes.

'Tis as easy as lying: govern these ventages with
your lingers and thumb, give it breath with your
mouth, and it will discourse most eloquent music.
Look you, these are the stops.

GUILDENSTERN

I don’t have the skill to make music.

But these cannot I command to any utterance of
harmony; I have not the skill.

HAMLET

Who do you think I am? You try to play me. You seem to know my holes. You wish to know my secrets, and try to search my soul. Yet, you cannot play a single note from this little instrument. How is it you think you can manipulate me, but not this pipe? You will not play me for a fool.

Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of
me! You would play upon me; you would seem to know
my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my
mystery; you would sound me from my lowest note to
the top of my compass: and there is much music,
excellent voice, in this little organ; yet cannot
you make it speak. 'Sblood, do you think I am
easier to be played on than a pipe? Call me what
instrument you will, though you can fret me, yet you
cannot play upon me.