The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (789 page)

Especially the sin of pride.

Especially in pride.

BRUTUS.

And being the worst braggart of all.

And topping all others in boasting.

MENENIUS.

That’s strange. Do you two know what everyone in Rome

This is strange now: do you two know how you are censured here in

thinks of you, I mean those of us who are rich? Do you?

the city, I mean of us o' the right-hand file? Do you?

BOTH TRIBUNES.

No, what do they think of us?

Why, how are we censured?

MENENIUS.

You say you’re proud. Won’t you be upset when I tell you?

Because you talk of pride now,--will you not be angry?

BOTH TRIBUNES.

No, go on.

Well, well, sir, well.

MENENIUS.

It’s no big deal. You lose your temper over

Why, 'tis no great matter; for a very little thief of occasion

very small issues, let your feeling run wild

will rob you of a great deal of patience: give your dispositions

and get angry all the time, and you seem

the reins, and be angry at your pleasures; at the least, if you

to enjoy it. You blame Marcius for

take it as a pleasure to you in being so. You blame Marcius for

being proud?

being proud?

BRUTUS.

We’re not the only ones.

We do it not alone, sir.

MENENIUS.

I know you can’t do anything alone; you have to have a lot of people helping you,

I know you can do very little alone; for your helps are many, or

or else your actions would be very weak. Your abilities are

else your actions would grow wondrous single: your abilities are

too infant-like for you to do much alone. You talk of pride: Oh, if only

too infant-like for doing much alone. You talk of pride: O that

you could see yourselves, and

you could turn your eyes toward the napes of your necks, and make

realize what’s wrong with you! Oh, if only you could!

but an interior survey of your good selves! O that you could!

BOTH TRIBUNES.

What then?

What then, sir?

MENENIUS.

Why, then you would discover that you are the worst bunch of worthless, proud,

Why, then you should discover a brace of unmeriting, proud,

violent, irritable judges—a.k.a. fools—in all of Rome.

violent, testy magistrates,--alias fools,--as any in Rome.

SICINIUS.

Menenius, you are quite notorious yourself.

Menenius, you are known well enough too.

MENENIUS.

Yes, I am known to be a whimsical aristocrat, one that loves a cup

I am known to be a humorous patrician, and one that loves a cup

of hot wine that isn’t diluted with water. I’m said to  

of hot wine with not a drop of allaying Tiber in't; said to

be somewhat flawed in that I tend to favor the first argument I hear, and I sometimes

be something imperfect in favouring the first complaint, hasty

too worked up about small things, and I usually associate more

and tinder-like upon too trivial motion; one that converses more

with the ass of the night than with the face of the

with the buttock of the night than with the forehead of the

morning. I speak my mind, and I tell me what I think of them.

morning. What I think I utter, and spend my malice in my breath.

When I meet a couple of politicians like yourselves—you’re hardly

Meeting two such wealsmen as you are,--I cannot call you

Lycurgus [Greek lawgiver]—and I don’t like the drink you give me,

Lycurguses,--if the drink you give me touch my palate adversely,

I make a disgusted face at it. I can’t say you great guys have

I make a crooked face at it. I cannot say your worships have

argued your point well everything you say sounds like it came

delivered the matter well when I find the ass in compound with

out of your ass; and though I have to put up with

the major part of your syllables; and though I must be content to

the people who say you are serious, important people, I cannot accept the lie

bear with those that say you are reverend grave men, yet they lie

that your faces aren’t ugly. If you see tell from my face that I am

deadly that tell you have good faces. If you see this in the map

a good person, it follows that everyone knows that I am a good person.

of my microcosm, follows it that I am known well enough too? What

What bad things can you blind fools allege about my character

harm can your bisson conspectuities glean out of this character,

when everyone already knows me?

if I be known well enough too?

BRUTUS.

Come on, we know you well enough.

Come, sir, come, we know you well enough.  

MENENIUS.

You don’t know me, and nor do you know yourselves or anything else. You want

You know neither me, yourselves, nor anything. You are ambitious

other poor fools to bow and salute you. You waste perfectly good

for poor knaves' caps and legs; you wear out a good wholesome

mornings judging pointless disputes between bickering

forenoon in hearing a cause between an orange-wife and a

street vendors, and then adjourn the court for a day’s recess to

fosset-seller, and then rejourn the controversy of threepence

decide a case about three cents. When you are hearing a case before

to a second day of audience.--When you are hearing a matter

your court between two litigants, and you have to poop,

between party and party, if you chance to be pinched with the

you make a face like a clown, lose all your patience with the

colic, you make faces like mummers, set up the bloody flag

proceedings, and while calling for a toilet,

against all patience, and, in roaring for a chamber-pot, dismiss

dismiss the whole case, which you only made worse by hearing it.

the controversy bleeding, the more entangled by your hearing: all

The only judgment you ever pass to call both sides names.

the peace you make in their cause is calling both the parties

You are a pair of strange ones.

knaves. You are a pair of strange ones.

BRUTUS.

Come now, everyone knows you are joke,

Come, come, you are well understood to be a perfecter giber

not an important judge.

for the table than a necessary bencher in the Capitol.

MENENIUS.

Even a priest would make fun of you if they knew how

Our very priests must become mockers if they shall encounter such

ridiculous you two are. Your speech isn’t worth the effort of

ridiculous subjects as you are. When you speak best unto the

wagging your beards while talking,

purpose, it is not worth the wagging of your beards; and your

and your beards aren’t good enough to fill

beards deserve not so honourable a grave as to stuff a botcher's

pillows or cushion an ass’s ass. Yet you have the gall to say

cushion or to be entombed in an ass's pack-saddle. Yet you must

Marcius is proud, even though, at a conservative estimate, he is worth

be saying, Marcius is proud; who, in a cheap estimation, is worth

more than all your predecessors since Noah (though the

all your predecessors since Deucalion; though peradventure some

best of your predecessors were just executioners). Good evening

of the best of 'em were hereditary hangmen. Good-e’en to your

gentlemen. If I listened to any more of your conversation I would lose my mind

worships: more of your conversation would infect my brain, being

and make me a demagogue like you. I will leave you

the herdsmen of the beastly plebeians: I will be bold to take my

now.

leave of you.

[BRUTUS and SICINIUS retire.]

[Enter VOLUMNIA, VIRGILIA, VALERIA, &c.]

How are you, ladies? You’re more noble than the moon.

How now, my as fair as noble ladies,--and the moon, were she

Where are you trying to go in such a hurry?

earthly, no nobler,--whither do you follow your eyes so fast?

VOLUMNIA.

Menenius, my boy Marcius is coming. For the love of God,

Honourable Menenius, my boy Marcius approaches; for the love of

let’s go.

Juno, let's go.

MENENIUS.

Oh boy! Marcius is coming home!

Ha! Marcius coming home!

VOLUMNIA.

Yes, Menenius, and with all the signs of great success.

Ay, worthy Menenius, and with most prosperous approbation.

MENENIUS.

You must be kidding. Hoo! Marcius coming

Take my cap, Jupiter, and I thank thee.--Hoo! Marcius coming

home!

home!

VOLUMNIA, VIRGILIA.

No, it’s true.

Nay, 'tis true.

VOLUMNIA.

Look, here’s a letter from him, the government has another,

Look, here's a letter from him: the state hath another,

and his wife has another. And I think there’s one at home for you.

his wife another; and I think there's one at home for you.  

MENENIUS.

I’m going to get so drunk tonight that my house is going to feel tipsy. A letter for me?

I will make my very house reel to-night.--A letter for me?

VIRGILIA.

Yes, certainly there’s a letter for you; I saw it.

Yes, certain, there's a letter for you; I saw it.

MENENIUS.

A letter for me! That makes me so glad that I’ll be healthy

A letter for me! It gives me an estate of seven years'

for seven years, during which time I will make faces at the doctor:

health; in which time I will make a lip at the physician: the

best medicine in the medical textbook is a no better

most sovereign prescription in Galen is but empiricutic, and, to

than horse-medicine compared to this news. Is he

this preservative, of no better report than a horse-drench. Is he

wounded? He tends to come home wounded.

not wounded? he was wont to come home wounded.

VIRGILIA.

Oh, no, no, no.

O, no, no, no.

VOLUMNIA.

Oh, he is wounded, and I thank God for that.

O, he is wounded, I thank the gods for't.

MENENIUS.

So do I, as long as he’s not wounded too much. Did he

So do I too, if it be not too much.--Brings a victory in

win? The wounds will look on him.

his pocket?--The wounds become him.

VOLUMNIA.

Yes, and Menenius, for the third time he’s been given a medal for

On's brows: Menenius, he comes the third time home with the oaken

saving Roman lives in action.

garland.

MENENIUS.

Did he beat Aufidius soundly?

Has he disciplined Aufidius soundly?

VOLUMNIA.

Titus Lartisu wrote to say that fought each other, but Aufidius