The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (667 page)

Here it is; and may St. Nicholas help you!

SPEED

[Reads] 'Imprimis: She can milk.'

[Reads] ‘In the first place: She can milk a cow.’

LAUNCE

Ay, that she can.

Yes, that she can do.

SPEED

'Item: She brews good ale.'

‘Next point: she makes good ale.’

LAUNCE

And thereof comes the proverb: 'Blessing of your

And from there comes the phrase: ‘Love of your
heart, you brew good ale.'

Heart, you make good ale.’

SPEED

'Item: She can sew.'

‘Next point: she can sew.’

LAUNCE

That's as much as to say, Can she so?

That could mean, ‘Can she so?’

SPEED

'Item: She can knit.'

‘Next point: she can knit.’

LAUNCE

What need a man care for a stock with a wench, when

What does a man need a dowry for from a girl, when
she can knit him a stock?

She can knit him a stocking?

SPEED

'Item: She can wash and scour.'

‘Next point: she can wash and scrub.’

LAUNCE

A special virtue: for then she need not be washed

A special skill: because then she doesn’t need to be washed
and scoured.

And scrubbed.

SPEED

'Item: She can spin.'

‘Next point: she can spin thread.’

LAUNCE

Then may I set the world on wheels, when she can

Then I can have an easy life, since she can
spin for her living.

Spin thread for her living.

SPEED

'Item: She hath many nameless virtues.'

Next point: she has many skills beyond words.’

LAUNCE

That's as much as to say, bastard virtues; that,

That’s could mean, illegitimate children; who,
indeed, know not their fathers and therefore have no names.

Indeed, don’t know who their fathers are and so don’t have any names.

SPEED

'Here follow her vices.'

‘Here are listed her bad qualities.’

LAUNCE

Close at the heels of her virtues.

Right after he good qualities.

SPEED

'Item: She is not to be kissed fasting in respect

‘Next point: she is not to be kissed if she hasn’t eaten on account
of her breath.'

Of her breath.’

LAUNCE

Well, that fault may be mended with a breakfast. Read on.

Well, that imperfection can be fixed with a breakfast. Keep reading.

SPEED

'Item: She hath a sweet mouth.'

‘Next point: she has a sweet tooth.’

LAUNCE

That makes amends for her sour breath.

That makes up for her bad breath.

SPEED

'Item: She doth talk in her sleep.'

Next point: she talks in her sleep.’

LAUNCE

It's no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk.

That’s not a problem, as long as she doesn’t sleep while she talks.

SPEED

'Item: She is slow in words.'

Next point: she is slow with words.’

LAUNCE

O villain, that set this down among her vices! To

Oh, what a scoundrel is the man who wrote that down as a bad quality! To
be slow in words is a woman's only virtue: I pray

Be slow with words is a woman’s only skill: Please,
thee, out with't, and place it for her chief virtue.

Cross that out, and list it as her best quality.

SPEED

'Item: She is proud.'

‘Next point: she is high-spirited.’

LAUNCE

Out with that too; it was Eve's legacy, and cannot

Cross that out too; she inherited that from Eve of Eden, and that cannot
be ta'en from her.

Be taken away from her.

SPEED

'Item: She hath no teeth.'

‘Next point: she doesn’t have any teeth.’

LAUNCE

I care not for that neither, because I love crusts.

I don’t care about that either, because I love eating the crusts.

SPEED

'Item: She is curst.'

Next point: she is bad-tempered.’

LAUNCE

Well, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.

Well, then it’s a good thing that she has no teeth to bite with.

SPEED

'Item: She will often praise her liquor.'

‘Next point: she will often test out her liquor.’

LAUNCE

If her liquor be good, she shall: if she will not, I

If her liquor is good, she will; if she doesn’t, then I
will; for good things should be praised.

Will; since good things should be tested.

SPEED

'Item: She is too liberal.'

‘Next point: she is too generous.’

LAUNCE

Of her tongue she cannot, for that's writ down she

With her words she isn’t, because it’s written down that she
is slow of; of her purse she shall not, for that

Is slow with words; she won’t be with her money, because that
I'll keep shut: now, of another thing she may, and

I’ll keep shut: now, with anything else she is can be, and
that cannot I help. Well, proceed.

That I can’t help. Well, continue.

SPEED

'Item: She hath more hair than wit, and more faults

Next point: she has more hair than she has intelligence, and more imperfections
than hairs, and more wealth than faults.'

Than hair, and more money than imperfections.’

LAUNCE

Stop there; I'll have her: she was mine, and not

Stop reading there; I’ll take her: I wanted her and didn’t
mine, twice or thrice in that last article.

Want her, two or three times in that last point.
Rehearse that once more.

Repeat that one again.

SPEED

'Item: She hath more hair than wit,'—

‘Next point: she has more hair than intelligence,’—

LAUNCE

More hair than wit? It may be; I'll prove it. The

More hair than intelligence? That could be true; I’ll prove it with logic. The
cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it

Container of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it
is more than the salt; the hair that covers the wit

Is bigger than the salt; the hair that covers over the intelligence
is more than the wit, for the greater hides the

Is more than the intelligence because the bigger thing hides the
less. What's next?

Smaller thing. What’s next?

SPEED

'And more faults than hairs,'—

‘And more imperfections than hairs,’—

LAUNCE

That's monstrous: O, that that were out!

That’s outrageous: oh, I wish that were crossed out!

SPEED

'And more wealth than faults.'

‘And more wealth than imperfections.’

LAUNCE

Why, that word makes the faults gracious. Well,

Well, those words make the imperfections delightful. Well,
I'll have her; and if it be a match, as nothing is

I’ll take her; and if we are a good match, since nothing is
impossible,--

Impossible—

SPEED

What then?

What then?

LAUNCE

Why, then will I tell thee--that thy master stays

Well, then I will tell you—your master is waiting
for thee at the North-gate.

For you at the North-gate.

SPEED

For me?

For me?

LAUNCE

For thee! ay, who art thou? he hath stayed for a

For you! Yes, who do you think you are? He has waited for
better man than thee.

Better men than you.

SPEED

And must I go to him?

And I have to go to him?

LAUNCE

Thou must run to him, for thou hast stayed so long

You must run to him, because you have delayed so long
that going will scarce serve the turn.

That walking will barely get the job done.

SPEED

Why didst not tell me sooner? pox of your love letters!

Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Curse your love letters!

Exit

LAUNCE

Now will he be swinged for reading my letter; an

Now he’ll be beaten for reading my letter; a
unmannerly slave, that will thrust himself into

Scoundrel without manners, who forces himself into
secrets! I'll after, to rejoice in the boy's correction.

Secrets! I’ll follow him, to celebrate the man’s punishment.

Exit

The DUKE's palace.

Enter DUKE and THURIO

DUKE

Sir Thurio, fear not but that she will love you,

Sir Thurio, don’t be afraid that she won’t love you,
Now Valentine is banish'd from her sight.

Because now Valentine is forbidden to see her.

THURIO

Since his exile she hath despised me most,

She has hated me more since his exile,
Forsworn my company and rail'd at me,

Rejected my company and yelled at me,
That I am desperate of obtaining her.

So that I am hopeless of ever winning her over.

DUKE

This weak impress of love is as a figure

The weak impression of love is like a stature
Trenched in ice, which with an hour's heat

Cut from ice, which after being in the heat for an hour
Dissolves to water and doth lose his form.

Melts into water and loses its shape.
A little time will melt her frozen thoughts

A little time will melt her unchanging thoughts
And worthless Valentine shall be forgot.

And worthless Valentine will be forgotten.

Enter PROTEUS

How now, Sir Proteus! Is your countryman

How goes it, Sir Proteus! Is your friend from home
According to our proclamation gone?