The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (6 page)

Damn you, you insolent woman! You want your bastard to be King

so that you can be a queen and rule the world!

CONSTANCE.

My bed was ever to thy son as true

As thine was to thy husband; and this boy

Liker in feature to his father Geffrey

Than thou and John in manners-being as Eke

As rain to water, or devil to his dam.

My boy a bastard! By my soul, I think

His father never was so true begot;

It cannot be, an if thou wert his mother.

I was always as faithful to your son

as you were to your husband; and this boy

is more like his father in looks

than you and John are in manners–and you are

like rain and water, or the devil and his mother.

My boy a bastard! I swear, even

his father wasn't so faithfully conceived;

he can't have been, if you were his mother.

ELINOR.

There's a good mother, boy, that blots thy father.

That's a good mother, boy, who insults your father.

CONSTANCE.

There's a good grandam, boy, that would blot thee.

That's a good grandmother, boy, who wants to

insult you.

AUSTRIA.

Peace!

Quiet!

BASTARD.

Hear the crier.

Listen to the bailiff.

AUSTRIA.

What the devil art thou?

Who the devil are you?

BASTARD.

One that will play the devil, sir, with you,

An 'a may catch your hide and you alone.

You are the hare of whom the proverb goes,

Whose valour plucks dead lions by the beard;

I'll smoke your skin-coat an I catch you right;

Sirrah, look to 't; i' faith I will, i' faith.

Someone who will play the devil with you, sir,

who might have the skin off your back.

You are like the hare in the proverb,

who is so brave that he pulls the beards of dead lions;

I'll give you a good thrashing when I get my hands on you;

be warned, sir; I swear I will, I swear.

BLANCH.

O, well did he become that lion's robe

That did disrobe the lion of that robe!

The one who stole the skin off a lion

would certainly be suited to a lion's skin!

BASTARD.

It lies as sightly on the back of him

As great Alcides' shows upon an ass;

But, ass, I'll take that burden from your back,

Or lay on that shall make your shoulders crack.

It looks as good on his back

as the great Alcides looked riding on an ass;

but, ass, I'll take that weight from your back,

or whip you till your shoulders crack.

AUSTRIA.

What cracker is this same that deafs our ears

With this abundance of superfluous breath?

King Philip, determine what we shall do straight.

Who is this braggart who is deafening us

with all these wasted words?

King Philip, decide what we shall do at once.

KING PHILIP.

Women and fools, break off your conference.

King John, this is the very sum of all:

England and Ireland, Anjou, Touraine, Maine,

In right of Arthur, do I claim of thee;

Wilt thou resign them and lay down thy arms?

Women and fools, stop your chatter.

King John, this is the heart of the matter:

I claim England and Ireland, Anjou, Touraine

and Maine from you as Arthur's rightful property;

will you give them up and put down your weapons?

KING JOHN.

My life as soon. I do defy thee, France.

Arthur of Britaine, yield thee to my hand,

And out of my dear love I'll give thee more

Than e'er the coward hand of France can win.

Submit thee, boy.

I would as soon give up my life. I defy you, France.

Arthur of Brittany, surrender to me,

and in my dear love I will give you more

then the cowardly hand of France could ever win for you.

Surrender, boy.

ELINOR.

Come to thy grandam, child.

Come to your grandmother, child.

CONSTANCE.

Do, child, go to it grandam, child;

Give grandam kingdom, and it grandam will

Give it a plum, a cherry, and a fig.

There's a good grandam!

Go on, child, go to your grandmother, child;

give grandmother a kingdom, and your grandmother will

give you a plum, a cherry, and a fig.

What a good grandmother!

ARTHUR.

Good my mother, peace!

I would that I were low laid in my grave:

I am not worth this coil that's made for me.

My good mother, quiet!

I wish I was dead in my grave:

I'm not worth the fuss that's being made for me.

ELINOR.

His mother shames him so, poor boy, he weeps.

He's so ashamed of his mother, poor boy, that he's crying.

CONSTANCE.

Now shame upon you, whe'er she does or no!

His grandam's wrongs, and not his mother's shames,

Draws those heaven-moving pearls from his poor eyes,

Which heaven shall take in nature of a fee;

Ay, with these crystal beads heaven shall be brib'd

To do him justice and revenge on you.

The shame is new, whether she does or not!

His grandmother's sins, not the shame of his mother,

is what draws those heavenly tears from his poor eyes,

which heaven shall take as payment;

yes, with those crystal beads heaven will be bribed

to give him justice and take revenge on you.

ELINOR.

Thou monstrous slanderer of heaven and earth!

You monstrous slanderer of heaven and earth!

CONSTANCE.

Thou monstrous injurer of heaven and earth,

Call not me slanderer! Thou and thine usurp

The dominations, royalties, and rights,

Of this oppressed boy; this is thy eldest son's son,

Infortunate in nothing but in thee.

Thy sins are visited in this poor child;

The canon of the law is laid on him,

Being but the second generation

Removed from thy sin-conceiving womb.

You monstrous offender of heaven and earth,

do not call me a slanderer! You and yours overthrow

the territories, royalty and rights

of this oppressed boy; this is the son of your eldest son,

and being related to you is his only imperfection.

Your sin is visited on this poor child;

the law of the church demands it,

as he is only two generations

away from your sinful womb.

KING JOHN.

Bedlam, have done.

Madwoman, that's enough.

CONSTANCE.

I have but this to say-

That he is not only plagued for her sin,

But God hath made her sin and her the plague

On this removed issue, plagued for her

And with her plague; her sin his injury,

Her injury the beadle to her sin;

All punish'd in the person of this child,

And all for her-a plague upon her!

I've only got this to say–

that not only is he being punished for her sin,

but God has made her sin and her the curse

on this descendant, cursed by her

with her own curse; her sin harms him,

driving on his punishment;

it all falls upon this child,

and all because of her–a curse on her!

ELINOR.

Thou unadvised scold, I can produce

A will that bars the title of thy son.

You ignorant quarreler, I can show you

a will that denies the claim of your son.

CONSTANCE.

Ay, who doubts that? A will, a wicked will;

A woman's will; a cank'red grandam's will!

Yes, who can doubt that? A will, a wicked will;

the will of a woman; the will of a diseased grandmother!

KING PHILIP.

Peace, lady! pause, or be more temperate.

It ill beseems this presence to cry aim

To these ill-tuned repetitions.

Some trumpet summon hither to the walls

These men of Angiers; let us hear them speak

Whose title they admit, Arthur's or John's.

Quiet, lady! Quiet, or speak more calmly.

It's not appropriate for you to repeat

these ugly slanders in our presence.

Let a trumpet call the men of Angiers

to the walls; let's hear them say

who they think has the true claim, Arthur or John.

Trumpet sounds. Enter citizens upon the walls

CITIZEN.

Who is it that hath warn'd us to the walls?

Who has summoned us to the walls?

KING PHILIP.

'Tis France, for England.

It's France, in the matter of England.

KING JOHN.

England for itself.

You men of Angiers, and my loving subjects-

It's England, for its own business.

You men of Angiers, and my loving subjects–

KING PHILIP.

You loving men of Angiers, Arthur's subjects,

Our trumpet call'd you to this gentle parle-

You loving men of Angiers, subjects of Arthur,

our trumpet called you to this peaceful debate–

KING JOHN.

For our advantage; therefore hear us first.

These flags of France, that are advanced here

Before the eye and prospect of your town,

Have hither march'd to your endamagement;

The cannons have their bowels full of wrath,

And ready mounted are they to spit forth

Their iron indignation 'gainst your walls;

All preparation for a bloody siege

And merciless proceeding by these French

Confront your city's eyes, your winking gates;

And but for our approach those sleeping stones

That as a waist doth girdle you about

By the compulsion of their ordinance

By this time from their fixed beds of lime

Had been dishabited, and wide havoc made

For bloody power to rush upon your peace.

But on the sight of us your lawful king,

Who painfully with much expedient march

Have brought a countercheck before your gates,

To save unscratch'd your city's threat'ned cheeks-

Behold, the French amaz'd vouchsafe a parle;

And now, instead of bullets wrapp'd in fire,

To make a shaking fever in your walls,

They shoot but calm words folded up in smoke,

To make a faithless error in your cars;

Which trust accordingly, kind citizens,