The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (469 page)

LAUNCELOT

Truly, the more to blame he: we were Christians

enow before; e'en as many as could well live, one by

another. This making Christians will raise the

price of hogs: if we grow all to be pork-eaters, we

shall not shortly have a rasher on the coals for money.

Well, he was wrong to do that. There were plenty of Christians

before—as many as could stand to live near one

another. Making more Christians will raise the

price of pigs. We we all become pork-eaters, we

will soon not even be able to afford a slice of bacon.

Enter LORENZO

JESSICA

I'll tell my husband, Launcelot, what you say: here he comes.

I’ll tell my husband, Launcelot, what you have said. Here he comes.

LORENZO

I shall grow jealous of you shortly, Launcelot, if

you thus get my wife into corners.

I’m going to grow jealous of you, Launcelot, if

you keep taking my wife into corners like this.

JESSICA

Nay, you need not fear us, Lorenzo: Launcelot and I

are out. He tells me flatly, there is no mercy for

me in heaven, because I am a Jew's daughter: and hesays, you are no good member of the commonwealth,

for in converting Jews to Christians, you raise the

price of pork.

You don’t need to worry about us, Lorenzo. Launcelot and I

are on the outs. He tells me frankly that I will not

go to heaven because I am a Jew’s daughter, and he

also says you are not being a good citizen

because by converting Jews to Christians, you are raising the

price of pork.

LORENZO

I shall answer that better to the commonwealth than

you can the getting up of the negro's belly: the

Moor is with child by you, Launcelot.

I think I can say I am a better citizen than

you can by getting that black woman pregnant. The

Moor is going to have your child, Launcelot.

LAUNCELOT

It is much that the Moor should be more than reason:

but if she be less than an honest woman, she is

indeed more than I took her for.

Well then there’s more of the Moor for a reason,

but if she is less than an honest woman, she is

certainly more than I took her for.

LORENZO

How every fool can play upon the word! I think the

best grace of wit will shortly turn into silence,

and discourse grow commendable in none only but

parrots. Go in, sirrah; bid them prepare for dinner.

Any fool is capable of making puns! I think the

best quality of cleverness will soon be to stay silent.

and talking will only be highly regarded in

parrots. Go in and tell the servants to get ready for dinner.

LAUNCELOT

That is done, sir; they have all stomachs.

That is done, sir. They are all hungry.

LORENZO

Goodly Lord, what a wit-snapper are you! then bid

them prepare dinner.

Good Lord, what a smart aleck you are! Then tell

them to get dinner ready.

LAUNCELOT

That is done too, sir; only 'cover' is the word.

I believe the term you are looking for, sir, it ‘set the table.’

LORENZO

Will you cover then, sir?

Will you set the table then?

LAUNCELOT

Not so, sir, neither; I know my duty.

No sir, that is not my responsibility.

LORENZO

Yet more quarrelling with occasion! Wilt thou show

the whole wealth of thy wit in an instant? I pray

tree, understand a plain man in his plain meaning:

go to thy fellows; bid them cover the table, serve

in the meat, and we will come in to dinner.

You’re just finding reasons to be clever! Are you going

to show me the entire range of you cleverness all at once? Please,

Just understand very plainly what I mean:

Go in there and tell the servants to set the table, serve

the meet and we will come in and eat it.

LAUNCELOT

For the table, sir, it shall be served in; for the

meat, sir, it shall be covered; for your coming in

to dinner, sir, why, let it be as humours and

conceits shall govern.

Regarding the table, sir, the food will be served on it. Regarding

the meat, sir, it will be on covered plates. Regarding your

dinner, sir, well just do what you feel is best and

it will all work out.

Exit

LORENZO

O dear discretion, how his words are suited!

The fool hath planted in his memory

An army of good words; and I do know

A many fools, that stand in better place,

Garnish'd like him, that for a tricksy word

Defy the matter. How cheerest thou, Jessica?

And now, good sweet, say thy opinion,

How dost thou like the Lord Bassanio's wife?

I can see that he is very good at playing with words!

The fool has in his head

An army of useful words, and I know

Many fools that are in a better position

That know as many words as he does and engage in word play

To deflect the subject at hand. How are you, Jessica?

Tell me what you think about things—

How do you like Lord Bassanio’s wife?

JESSICA

Past all expressing. It is very meet

The Lord Bassanio live an upright life;

For, having such a blessing in his lady,

He finds the joys of heaven here on earth;

And if on earth he do not mean it, then

In reason he should never come to heaven

Why, if two gods should play some heavenly match

And on the wager lay two earthly women,

And Portia one, there must be something else

Pawn'd with the other, for the poor rude world

Hath not her fellow.

I like her more than I can say. It is right

That Lord Bassanio lives in such an upright way,

And by having such a blessing as her in his life

He will find more joy here on earth than in heaven.

If on this earth with her he can not find happiness

He shouldn’t even bother going to heaven.

Really, if two gods were playing a game in heaven

And placed a bet on two earthly women

With Portia being one of them, there must have been something

Lost on the other, for the poor rude world

Does not contain her equal.

LORENZO

Even such a husband

Hast thou of me as she is for a wife.

I am as good a husband

For you as she is as a wife.

JESSICA

Nay, but ask my opinion too of that.

You should ask me about that!

LORENZO

I will anon: first, let us go to dinner.

I will later. First, let’s go to dinner.

JESSICA

Nay, let me praise you while I have a stomach.

No, let me say good things about you while I feel like it.

LORENZO

No, pray thee, let it serve for table-talk;

' Then, howso'er thou speak'st, 'mong other things

I shall digest it.

No, please, let’s talk about it at dinner.

That way, no matter what you say, I’ll take it in with everything else

and digest it.

JESSICA

Well, I'll set you forth.

Well, I’ll set you straight about it.

Exeunt

Enter the DUKE, the Magnificoes, ANTONIO, BASSANIO, GRATIANO, SALERIO, and others

DUKE

What, is Antonio here?

Is Antonio here?

ANTONIO

Ready, so please your grace.

Yes, I am here, sir.

DUKE

I am sorry for thee: thou art come to answer

A stony adversary, an inhuman wretch

uncapable of pity, void and empty

From any dram of mercy.

I feel sorry for you. You’ve come to face

A hard enemy, an inhuman wretch

who is incapable of pity—a man who does

not have the least amount of mercy.

ANTONIO

I have heard

Your grace hath ta'en great pains to qualify

His rigorous course; but since he stands obdurate

And that no lawful means can carry me

Out of his envy's reach, I do oppose

My patience to his fury, and am arm'd

To suffer, with a quietness of spirit,

The very tyranny and rage of his.

I’ve been told

You have gone to a lot of trouble to try to stop

What he is planning to do. But since he is so stubborn

And no legal means can keep me out

Of his reach, I will face him

With patience to match his rage. I am ready

To suffer this quietly

As he acts out of cruelty and anger.

DUKE

Go one, and call the Jew into the court.

Someone go tell the Jew to come into the court.

SALERIO

He is ready at the door: he comes, my lord.

He is waiting at the door. Here he comes.