The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (345 page)

For describing your honesty like this? I say

damn him, for me he's more and more like a cat.

First Soldier

What say you to his expertness in war?

What do you say about his abilities as a soldier?

PAROLLES

Faith, sir, he has led the drum before the English

tragedians; to belie him, I will not, and more of

his soldiership I know not; except, in that country

he had the honour to be the officer at a place there

called Mile-end, to instruct for the doubling of

files: I would do the man what honour I can, but of

this I am not certain.

To tell you the truth, sir, he beats his own drum louder

than a bunch of actors; I will not contradict him,

and I don't know anything else about his soldiership,

except that in England he was an officer at a place

called Mile End, where he was a drill instructor for civilians:

I want to speak of him as well as I can, but I can't be sure

of this.

First Lord

He hath out-villained villany so far, that the

rarity redeems him.

He's such an extraordinary villain that

you can't help admiring him.

BERTRAM

A pox on him, he's a cat still.

Damn him, he is still like a cat to me.

First Soldier

His qualities being at this poor price, I need not

to ask you if gold will corrupt him to revolt.

As he is so talentless, I don't need to ask you

if he can be bribed to rebel with gold.

PAROLLES

Sir, for a quart d'ecu he will sell the fee-simple

of his salvation, the inheritance of it; and cut the

entail from all remainders, and a perpetual

succession for it perpetually.

Sir,for sixpence he would sell his own

salvation, all his chances of it and those

of all his descendants, he would sell it

for eternity.

First Soldier

What's his brother, the other Captain Dumain?

What's his brother like, the other Captain Dumain?

Second Lord

Why does he ask him of me?

Why is he asking him about me?

First Soldier

What's he?

What's he like?

PAROLLES

E'en a crow o' the same nest; not altogether so

great as the first in goodness, but greater a great

deal in evil: he excels his brother for a coward,

yet his brother is reputed one of the best that is:

in a retreat he outruns any lackey; marry, in coming

on he has the cramp.

He's a bird of a feather; not quite as

good as the first, but a good deal

more evil: he's a far greater coward than his brother,

even though his brother is known as one of the greatest:

in a retreat he runs faster than an errand boy; but in

attack he moves like someone with cramp.

First Soldier

If your life be saved, will you undertake to betray

the Florentine?

If we spare your life, will you promise to betray

the Florentine?

PAROLLES

Ay, and the captain of his horse, Count Rousillon.

Yes, and the leader of his cavalry, Count Rousillon.

First Soldier

I'll whisper with the general, and know his pleasure.

I'll confer with the general, and find out what he wants.

PAROLLES

[Aside] I'll no more drumming; a plague of all

drums! Only to seem to deserve well, and to

beguile the supposition of that lascivious young boy

the count, have I run into this danger. Yet who

would have suspected an ambush where I was taken?

No more drumming for me; damnation to all

drums! Just to get myself a good reputation, and to

calm the suspicions of that horny young boy

the count, I have got myself into this danger. Yet who

would have suspected an ambush at the place they got me?

First Soldier

There is no remedy, sir, but you must die: the

general says, you that have so traitorously

discovered the secrets of your army and made such

pestiferous reports of men very nobly held, can

serve the world for no honest use; therefore you

must die. Come, headsman, off with his head.

There's nothing for it, sir, you must die:

the general says that you have so treacherously

given away the secrets of your army and made such

scandalous reports of men who are thought to be very noble

that you cannot be of any honest use to the world; so

you must die. Come on, executioner, off with his head.

PAROLLES

O Lord, sir, let me live, or let me see my death!

Oh Lord, sir, let me live, or at least let me face my death!

First Lord

That shall you, and take your leave of all your friends.

Unblinding him

So, look about you: know you any here?

You shall do that, and say goodbye to all your friends.

So, have a look round: do you know anybody here?

BERTRAM

Good morrow, noble captain.

Good day, noble captain.

Second Lord

God bless you, Captain Parolles.

God bless you, Captain Parolles.

First Lord

God save you, noble captain.

God save you, noble captain

Second Lord

Captain, what greeting will you to my Lord Lafeu?

I am for France.

Captain, what greeting shall I take for you to my Lord Lafeu?

I'm off to France.

First Lord

Good captain, will you give me a copy of the sonnet

you writ to Diana in behalf of the Count Rousillon?

an I were not a very coward, I'ld compel it of you:

but fare you well.

Exeunt BERTRAM and Lords

Good captain, will you give me a copy of the sonnet

you wrote to Diana on behalf of Count Rousillon?

If I wasn't a terrible coward, I'd force you to give it to me:

but farewell.

First Soldier

You are undone, captain, all but your scarf; that

has a knot on't yet.

You are undone, captain, everything except your scarf; that

still has a knot in it.

PAROLLES

Who cannot be crushed with a plot?

Who cannot be caught out by a plot?

First Soldier

If you could find out a country where but women were

that had received so much shame, you might begin an

impudent nation. Fare ye well, sir; I am for France

too: we shall speak of you there.

Exit with Soldiers ?

If you could discover a country where the women

had been as shamed as you, you might begin a

cheeky nation. Goodbye, sir; I'm going to France

as well: we shall speak of you there.

PAROLLES

Yet am I thankful: if my heart were great,

'Twould burst at this. Captain I'll be no more;

But I will eat and drink, and sleep as soft

As captain shall: simply the thing I am

Shall make me live. Who knows himself a braggart,

Let him fear this, for it will come to pass

that every braggart shall be found an ass.

Rust, sword! cool, blushes! and, Parolles, live

Safest in shame! being fool'd, by foolery thrive!

There's place and means for every man alive.

I'll after them.

Exit

Yet I am grateful: if I was truly good,

I'd die of shame. I will no longer be a captain;

but I'll have food and drink, and sleep as easily

as a captain: being what I am

is what will keep me alive. If you know you're a show off,

then fear this, for it will always happen

that a show off will be shown to be an ass.

Rust, sword! Cool down, blushes! And, Parolles, live

safest in shame! You have been fooled, so profit from foolery!

There's a place and a living for every man on Earth.

I'll follow them.

Enter HELENA, Widow, and DIANA

HELENA

That you may well perceive I have not wrong'd you,

One of the greatest in the Christian world

Shall be my surety; 'fore whose throne 'tis needful,

Ere I can perfect mine intents, to kneel:

Time was, I did him a desired office,

Dear almost as his life; which gratitude

Through flinty Tartar's bosom would peep forth,

And answer, thanks: I duly am inform'd

His grace is at Marseilles; to which place

We have convenient convoy. You must know

I am supposed dead: the army breaking,

My husband hies him home; where, heaven aiding,

And by the leave of my good lord the king,

We'll be before our welcome.

 So that you can see I won't do you any harm,

one of the greatest men in Christendom

will vouch for me; before I can bring my plans to fruition

I will have to kneel before his throne:

once upon a time I did him a favour he asked,

which was almost as important to him as his life;

even a coldhearted Tatar would have been grateful,

and said thank you: I have been told

that his Grace is at Marseilles; we have

a good escort to take us there. You must know

that I'm thought to be dead: as the army is breaking up

my husband is going home; with the help of heaven

and with the permission of my good lord the King,

we'll get there ahead of him.

Widow

Gentle madam,

You never had a servant to whose trust

Your business was more welcome.

Gentle madam,

you never had a servant so pleased

to carry out your orders.