The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (200 page)

And he is welcome. What! Is this him?

MESSENGER.

Madam, it is.

Madam, it is.

COUNTESS.

Is this the scourge of France?

Is this the Talbot, so much fear'd abroad

That with his name the mothers still their babes?

I see report is fabulous and false:

I thought I should have seen some Hercules,

A second Hector, for his grim aspect,

And large proportion of his strong-knit limbs.

Alas, this is a child, a silly dwarf!

It cannot be this weak and writhled shrimp

Should strike such terror to his enemies.

Is this the one who has whipped France?

Is this Talbot, who is so feared around the country

that his mothers use his name to quiet their babies?

I see the stories are mythical and false:

I thought I would have seen some Hercules,

a second Hector, in his stern looks,

and his great muscular limbs.

Alas, this is a child, a silly dwarf!

This weak and wrinkled shrimp can't possibly

strike such fear into his enemies.

TALBOT.

Madam, I have been bold to trouble you;

But since your ladyship is not at leisure,

I 'll sort some other time to visit you.

Madam, I have been forward enough to bother you;

but since you are not free at the moment,

I'll come and see you some other time.

COUNTESS.

What means he now? Go ask him whither he goes.

Now what's he mean? Asking where he's going.

MESSENGER.

Stay, my Lord Talbot; for my lady craves

To know the cause of your abrupt departure.

Wait, my Lord Talbot; my lady wants

to know why you are leaving so suddenly.

TALBOT.

Marry, for that she's in a wrong belief,

I go to certify her Talbot's here.

Why, because she's completely wrong,

I'm going to prove to her that Talbot is here.

[Re-enter Porter with keys.]

COUNTESS.

If thou be he, then art thou prisoner.

If you're him, then you are prisoner.

TALBOT.

Prisoner! to whom?

Prisoner! Of whom?

COUNTESS.

To me, blood-thirsty lord;

And for that cause I train'd thee to my house.

Long time thy shadow hath been thrall to me,

For in my gallery thy picture hangs:

But now the substance shall endure the like,

And I will chain these legs and arms of thine,

That hast by tyranny these many years

Wasted our country, slain our citizens,

And sent our sons and husbands captivate.

Of me, bloodthirsty lord;

that was why I enticed you to my house.

For a long time your image has been my slave,

for I have your picture in my gallery:

but now the real thing shall be the same,

and I will chain those arms and legs of yours,

that through your tyranny for many years

have laid waste to our country, killed our citizens,

and imprisoned our sons and husbands.

TALBOT.

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha!

COUNTESS.

Laughest thou, wretch? Thy mirth shall turn to moan.

Are you laughing, wretch? Your laughter shall turn to moaning.

TALBOT.

I laugh to see your ladyship so fond

To think that you have aught but Talbot's shadow

Whereon to practice your severity.

I'm laughing to see that your ladyship is so foolish

that you think you have anything apart from Talbot's image

on which you can practice your punishments.

COUNTESS.

Why, art not thou the man?

Why, aren't you the man?

TALBOT.

I am indeed.

I certainly am.

COUNTESS.

Then have I substance too.

Then I have the real thing too.

TALBOT.

No, no, I am but shadow of myself:

You are deceived, my substance is not here;

For what you see is but the smallest part

And least proportion of humanity:

I tell you, madam, were the whole frame here,

It is of such a spacious lofty pitch,

Your roof were not sufficient to contain 't.

No, no, I am just a shadow of myself:

you are mistaken you're not seeing the real thing;

what you can see is just the smallest part,

with the least humanity in it:

I tell you, madam, if the whole of me were here,

it is so enormous

your roof wouldn't be able to hold it.

COUNTESS.

This is a riddling merchant for the nonce;

He will be here, and yet he is not here:

How can these contrarieties agree?

You are talking in riddles;

you are here, but you're not here:

how can those two opposites make sense?

TALBOT.

That will I show you presently.

[Winds his horn. Drums strike up: a peal of ordnance. Enter

Soldiers.]

How say you, madam? are you now persuaded

That Talbot is but shadow of himself?

These are his substance, sinews, arms and strength,

With which he yoketh your rebellious necks,

Razeth your cities and subverts your towns,

And in a moment makes them desolate.

I'll show you that now.

What do you say, madam? Do you now believe

that Talbot is just a shadow of himself?

These are my body, muscles, arms and strength,

with which I have been chaining your rebellious necks,

destroying your cities and towns,

making them desolate in an instant.

COUNTESS.

Victorious Talbot! pardon my abuse:

I find thou art no less than fame hath bruited,

And more than may be gather'd by thy shape.

Let my presumption not provoke thy wrath;

For I am sorry that with reverence

I did not entertain thee as thou art.

Victorious Talbot! Excuse my ill-treatment:

I find you are just as great as your reputation,

and that there's more to you than meets the eye.

Don't let my assumptions make you angry;

I'm sorry that I didn't show you the respect

of treating you as the person you are.

TALBOT.

Be not dismay'd, fair lady; nor misconstrue

The mind of Talbot, as you did mistake

The outward composition of his body.

What you have done hath not offended me;

Nor other satisfaction do I crave,

But only, with your patience, that we may

Taste of your wine and see what cates you have;

For soldiers' stomachs always serve them well.

Don't worry about it, fair lady; and don't misunderstand

the mind of Talbot, as you mistook

the way his body was made.

What you have done has not offended me;

I don't want any recompense,

except that, with your permission, we should like

to taste your wine and try your food;

soldiers are always hungry.

COUNTESS.

With all my heart, and think me honored

To feast so great a warrior in my house.

Certainly, and I would count it an honour

to feed such a great warrior in my house.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter the Earls of Somerset, Suffolk, and Warwick;

Richard Plantagenet, Vernon, and another Lawyer.]

PLANTAGENET.

Great lords and gentlemen,

what means this silence?

Dare no man answer in a case of truth?

Great lords and gentlemen,

why are you silent?

Can nobody give us the truth?

SUFFOLK.

Within the Temple-hall we were too loud;

The garden here is more convenient.

We were too noisy in the Temple Hall;

this garden is more suitable.

PLANTAGENET.

Then say at once if I maintain'd the truth;

Or else was wrangling Somerset in the error?

Them say at once if what I said was true,

or was the argumentative Somerset wrong?

SUFFOLK.

Faith, I have been a truant in the law,

And never yet could frame my will to it;

And therefore frame the law unto my will.

I swear, I have been lax in learning the law,

I can never really understand it,

and therefore I can't make it do what I want.

SOMERSET.

Judge you, my Lord of Warwick, then, between us.

Then you judge, Lord Warwick, between us.

WARWICK.

Between two hawks, which flies the higher pitch;

Between two dogs, which hath the deeper mouth;

Between two blades, which bears the better temper:

Between two horses, which doth bear him best;

Between two girls, which hath the merriest eye;

I have perhaps some shallow spirit of judgment:

But in these nice sharp quillets of the law,

Good faith, I am no wiser than a daw.

I can probably judge

between two hawks, which one can fly higher;

between two dogs, which has the bigger mouth;

between two swords, which one is better made:

between two horses, which one will be the best ride;

between two girls, who has the sauciest look;

but in these subtle distinctions of legal language

I swear, I am no wiser than a jackdaw.

PLANTAGENET.

Tut, tut, here is a mannerly forbearance:

The truth appears so naked on my side

That any purblind eye may find it out.

Tut tut, you're just being polite:

it's so obvious that truth is on my side