The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (122 page)

VER.

There is more news:

I learn'd in Worcester, as I rode along,

He cannot draw his power this fourteen days.

There is more news:

as I came along I learned in Worcester

that he cannot raise his forces within fourteen days.

DOUG.

That's the worst tidings that I hear of yet.

That's the worst news I've heard yet.

WOR.

Ay, by my faith, that bears a frosty sound.

Yes, I swear, that doesn't sound good.

HOT.

What may the King's whole battle reach unto?

What do the whole of the King's forces come to?

VER.

To thirty thousand.

Thirty thousand men.

HOT.

Forty let it be:

My father and Glendower being both away,

The powers of us may serve so great a day.

Come, let us take a muster speedily:

Doomsday is near; die all, die merrily.

Let it be forty thousand:

with my father and Glendower both not being here,

our forces will have to suffice for this great day.

Come, let's get organised quickly:

Doomsday is near; die everyone, die happily.

DOUG.

Talk not of dying:I am out of fear

Of death or death's hand for this one half-year.

Don't talk of dying: I am not worried

about dying within the next six months.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter Falstaff and Bardolph.]

FAL.

Bardolph, get thee before to Coventry; fill me a bottle of

sack:our soldiers shall march through; we'll to Sutton-Co'fil'

to-night.

Bardolph, you go ahead to Coventry; get me a bottle of

sack: our soldiers shall march through; we'll be in

Sutton Coldfield tonight.

BARD.

Will you give me money, captain?

Will you give me the money for it, captain?

FAL.

Lay out, lay out.

Pay for it yourself.

BARD.

This bottle makes an angel.

This bottle means you owe me six shillings.

FAL.

An if it do, take it for thy labour; an if it make twenty,

take them all; I'll answer the coinage. Bid my lieutenant

Peto meet me at the town's end.

And if I do, take it from expenses; and if it were twenty,

take them all; I'll answer for it. Tell my lieutenant

Peto to meet me the other side of the town.

BARD.

I will, captain:farewell.

I will, captain: farewell.

[Exit.]

FAL.

If I be not ashamed of my soldiers, I am a soused gurnet. I have

misused the King's press damnably. I have got, in exchange of

a hundred and fifty soldiers, three hundred and odd pounds. I

press'd me none but good householders, yeomen's sons; inquired

me out contracted bachelors, such as had been ask'd twice on the

banns; such a commodity of warm slaves as had as lief hear the

Devil as a drum; such as fear the report of a caliver worse than

a struck fowl or a hurt wild-duck. I press'd me none but such

toasts-and-butter, with hearts in their bodies no bigger than

pins'-heads, and they have bought out their services; and now

my whole charge consists of ancients, corporals, lieutenants,

gentlemen of companies, slaves as ragged as Lazarus in the

painted cloth, where the glutton's dogs licked his sores; and

such as, indeed, were never soldiers, but discarded unjust

serving-men, younger sons to younger brothers, revolted tapsters,

and ostlers trade-fallen; the cankers of a calm world and a long

peace; ten times more dishonourable ragged than an old faced

ancient:and such have I, to fill up the rooms of them that have

bought out their services, that you would think that I had a

hundred and fifty tattered Prodigals lately come from

swine-keeping, from eating draff and husks. A mad fellow met me on

the way, and told me I had unloaded all the gibbets, and press'd

the dead bodies.

No eye hath seen such scarecrows. I'll not march through Coventry

with them, that's flat:nay, and the villains march wide betwixt

the legs, as if they had gyves on; for, indeed, I had the most of

them out of prison. There's but a shirt and a half in all my company;

and the half-shirt is two napkins tack'd together and thrown over the

shoulders like a herald's coat without sleeves; and the shirt, to say

the truth, stolen from my host at Saint Alban's, or the red-nose

innkeeper of Daventry.

But that's all one; they'll find linen enough on every hedge.

If I'm not ashamed of my soldiers, I'm a

pickled fish; I've abused my right of conscription shamefully.

I have got three hundred pounds for a hundred

and fifty soldiers. I've conscripted nobody but

good householders, the sons of Yeomen, I've found

engaged bachelors, who have had their banns read,

such a community of rich slaves who would

just as soon hear the devil as hear the drum,

who fear the sound of gunshots worse than a

wild duck. I conscripted nobody but pampered

citizens, with hearts in their bellies the size of

pinheads, and they have paid to escape service;

and so my entire force consists of old men,

corporals, lieutenants, non-commissioned officers–

slaves as ragged as Lazarus in cheap tapestries,

when the greedy man's dogs licked his sores:

and those who were never soldiers, but dismissed dishonest serving men,

the younger sons of younger brothers, rebellious

barmen, unemployed grooms, the growths of a

calm world and a long piece, ten times more

disreputable than any tattered old flag; and

these are the ones I have to take the places of those who

bought themselves out of service, so you would think that

I had a hundred and fifty ragged wastrels recently

returned from pig keeping, from eating swill and husks.

I met a mad fellow on the way who accused me of

taking down all the hanged men and conscripting the dead bodies.

Nobody's ever seen such scarecrows. I shan't

march through Coventry with them, that’s certain: no,

the villains march as if they had chains on their legs,

for it's true I had most of them out of prison.

There isn't a shirt and a half amongst my whole

company, and the half shirt is to napkins tacked together

and thrown over the shoulders like a herald's

coat without sleeves; and to tell the truth the shirt

was stolen from a landlord at St Albans, or the rednosed

innkeeper at Daventry. But it doesn't matter, they can

steal dryinglinen off people's hedges as they pass.

[Enter Prince Henry and Westmoreland.]

PRINCE.

How now, blown Jack! how now, quilt!

Hello there, puffed out Jack! Hello there, quilt!

FAL.

What, Hal! how now, mad wag! what a devil dost thou in

Warwickshire?--My good Lord of Westmoreland, I cry you mercy:

I thought your honour had already been at Shrewsbury.

What, Hal! Hello there, mad lad! What the devil are you doing in

Warwickshire? My good Lord of Westmorland, excuse me:

I thought your honour was already at Shrewsbury.

WEST.

Faith, Sir John, 'tis more than time that I were there, and you too;

but my powers are there already. The King, I can tell you, looks for

us all:we must away all, to-night.

I swear, St John, it's about time that I was there, and you too;

but my forces are already there. The King, I can tell you, is waiting for

all of us: we must all leave, tonight.

FAL.

Tut, never fear me:I am as vigilant as a cat to steal cream.

Tut, don't worry about me: I am as keen as a cat waiting to steal cream.

PRINCE.

I think, to steal cream, indeed; for thy theft hath already made thee

butter. But tell me, Jack, whose fellows are these that come after?

Stealing cream indeed, for your theft has already made you

into butter. But tell me, Jack, whose are these men following?

FAL.

Mine, Hal, mine.

Mine, Hal, mine.

PRINCE.

I did never see such pitiful rascals.

I never saw such pitiful rascals.

FAL.

Tut, tut; good enough to toss; food for powder, food for powder;

they'll fill a pit as well as better:tush, man, mortal men,

mortal men.

Tut-tut; they're good enough to throw in; cannon fodder, cannon fodder;

they'll fill a grave as well as the next man: mortal men,

mortal men.

WEST.

Ay, but, Sir John, methinks they are exceeding poor and bare,--too

beggarly.

Yes, but, Sir John, they seem to me extremely poor and badly turned out–

they are like beggars.

FAL.

Faith, for their poverty, I know not where they had that; and,

for their bareness, I am sure they never learn'd that of me.

Well, I swear I don't know how they got poor; and

as for their turnout, I'm sure they didn't learn that from me.

PRINCE.

No, I'll be sworn; unless you call three fingers on the ribs

bare. But, sirrah, make haste:Percy is already in the field.

No, I'll swear to that; unless you say three fingers of fat

on the chest is a good turnout. But, sir, hurry: Percy is already on the battlefield.

[Exit.]

FAL.

What, is the King encamp'd?

What, has the King set up camp?

WEST.

He is, Sir John:I fear we shall stay too long.

He has, Sir John: I fear we will be late.

[Exit.]

FAL.

Well,