The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (101 page)

Shall I?Splendid!By God, I'll make a fine judge.

PRINCE.

Thou judgest false already:I mean, thou shalt have the

hanging of the thieves, and so become a rare hangman.

You're already getting it wrong; I mean, you shall make sure

thieves are hung, and so you'll hang well.

FAL.

Well, Hal, well; and in some sort it jumps with my humour;

as well as waiting in the Court, I can tell you.

Good, Hal, good; in some ways that suits me;

it'll be as good as waiting in court, I can tell you.

PRINCE.

For obtaining of suits?

Waiting to get your suit?

FAL.

Yea, for obtaining of suits, whereof the hangman hath no

lean wardrobe. 'Sblood, I am as melancholy as a gib-cat or a

lugg'd bear.

Yes, to get my suit, which the hangman has a good

stock of.By God, I am as depressed as a castrated cat or a

tormented bear.

PRINCE.

Or an old lion, or a lover's lute.

Or an old lion, or a lover's lute.

FAL.

Yea, or the drone of a Lincolnshire bagpipe.

Yes, or a moaning Lincolnshire bagpipe.

PRINCE.

What say'st thou to a hare, or the melancholy of Moor-ditch?

What about a hare, or a filthy sewer by the Thames?

FAL.

Thou hast the most unsavoury similes, and art, indeed, the

most comparative, rascalliest, sweet young prince,--But, Hal, I

pr'ythee trouble me no more with vanity. I would to God thou and

I knew where a commodity of good names were to be bought. An old

lord of the Council rated me the other day in the street about you,

sir,--but I mark'd him not; and yet he talk'd very wisely,--but I

regarded him not; and yet he talk'd wisely, and in the street too.

Your similes are extremely filthy, and indeed you are

the cheekiest, most rascally, sweet young prince.But, Hal,

please don't bother me with these trifles.I wish to God you and

I knew where one could purchase a good reputation.An old

lord of the Council had a go at me in the street the other day about you,

sir, - I didn't pay him any mind, though he spoke very wisely- but

I didn't pay attention, though he talked wisely, and in the street, too.

PRINCE.

Thou didst well; for wisdom cries out in the streets, and no man

regards it.

You did well, for there's plenty of wisdom in the streets, and

nobody pays it any mind.

FAL.

O, thou hast damnable iteration, and art, indeed, able to corrupt

a saint.

Thou hast done much harm upon me, Hal; God forgive thee for it!

Before I knew thee, Hal, I knew nothing; and now am I, if a man

should speak truly, little better than one of the wicked. I must

give over this life, and I will give it over; by the Lord, an I do

not, I am a villain:I'll be damn'd for never a king's son in

Christendom.

Oh, you're a wicked quoter of texts, and you could corrupt a saint.

You've done me a lot of harm, Hal; may God forgive you for it!

Before I knew you, Hal, I knew nothing; and now I am, if we're

honest, almost a bad man.I must

chuck in this life, and I shall; by God, if I don't,

then I'm a villain: I'll not risk damnation for any king's son in Christendom.

PRINCE.

Where shall we take a purse to-morrow, Jack?

Where shall we go stealing tomorrow, Jack?

FAL.

Zounds, where thou wilt, lad; I'll make one:an I do not, call

me villain, and baffle me.

By heaven, wherever you like, lad; I'll find somewhere:

if I don't, call me a villain, and disgrace me.

PRINCE.

I see a good amendment of life in thee,--from praying to

purse-taking.

I see you're making a good change of lifestyle - going from praying

to purse-stealing.

FAL.

Why, Hal, 'tis my vocation, Hal; 'tis no sin for a man to labour

in his vocation.

[Enter Pointz.]

--Pointz!--Now shall we know if Gadshill have set a match. O, if

men were to be saved by merit, what hole in Hell were hot enough

for him? This is the most omnipotent villain that ever cried

Stand! to a true man.

Why, Hal, it's my calling, lad; it's not a sin for a man

to work at his calling.

Pointz!Now we shall know if Gadshill has arranged a robbery.Oh, if

men were saved on merit, what pit of hell would be hot enough for him?

He's the most complete villain who ever cried "Stand and deliver"

to an honest man.

PRINCE.

Good morrow, Ned.

Good day, Ned.

POINTZ.

Good morrow, sweet Hal.--What says Monsieur Remorse? what

says Sir John Sack-and-sugar? Jack, how agrees the Devil and

thee about thy soul, that thou soldest him on Good-Friday last

for a cup of Madeira and a cold capon's leg?

Good day, sweet Hal.- What does Mr.Repentance say?What does

Sir John wine-with-sugar say?Jack, what's the arrangement

between you and the devil about your soul, which you sold him

last Good Friday for a cup of Madeira and a cold chicken leg?

PRINCE.

Sir John stands to his word,--the Devil shall have his bargain;

for he was never yet a breaker of proverbs,--he will give the

Devil his due.

Sir John keeps his word - the Devil's price shall be paid;

he never went against a proverb - he will give the

Devil his due.

POINTZ.

Then art thou damn'd for keeping thy word with the Devil.

Then you are damned for keeping your promise to the Devil.

PRINCE.

Else he had been damn'd for cozening the Devil.

Otherwise he would be damned for cheating the devil.

POINTZ.

But, my lads, my lads, to-morrow morning, by four o'clock,

early at Gads-hill! there are pilgrims gong to Canterbury

with rich offerings, and traders riding to London with fat

purses: I have visards for you all; you have horses for

yourselves:Gadshill lies to-night in Rochester:I have bespoke

supper to-morrow night in Eastcheap:we may do it as secure as

sleep. If you will go, I will stuff your purses full of crowns;

if you will not, tarry at home and be hang'd.

But, my lads, my lads, tomorrow morning, at four o'clock,

be early to Gad's Hill!There are pilgrims going to Canterbury

with rich donations, and traders coming to London with fat

purses: I have masks for all of you; you have your own horses;

Gadshill is stopping at Rochester tonight: I have ordered

supper in Eastcheap tomorrow night: we can do it

safe as sleeping.If you come, I will fill your purses with money;

if you won't, stay at home and be hanged.

FAL.

Hear ye, Yedward; if I tarry at home and go not, I'll hang you

for going.

Listen to me, Edward; if I stay at home and don't show, I'll

hang you for going.

POINTZ.

You will, chops?

Will you, fatty?

FAL.

Hal, wilt thou make one?

Hal, will you join us?

PRINCE.

Who, I rob? I a thief? not I, by my faith.

What, me steal?Be a thief?I swear I won't.

FAL.

There's neither honesty, manhood, nor good fellowship in thee,

nor thou camest not of the blood royal, if thou darest not stand

for ten shillings.

There's no honesty, manhood or friendliness in you,

and you can't have royal blood, if you're afraid to hold

somebody up for ten shillings.

PRINCE.

Well, then, once in my days I'll be a madcap.

Well then, for once in my life I'll be reckless.

FAL.

Why, that's well said.

Good for you.

PRINCE.

Well, come what will, I'll tarry at home.

But whatever happens, I'm stopping at home.

FAL.

By the Lord, I'll be a traitor, then, when thou art king.

Then I swear when you’re king I'll be a traitor.

PRINCE.

I care not.

I don't care.

POINTZ.

Sir John, I pr'ythee, leave the Prince and me alone: I will

lay him down such reasons for this adventure, that he shall go.

Sir John, I beg you, leave me and the prince alone: I will

show him such good reasons for this adventure that he will come.

FAL.

Well, God give thee the spirit of persuasion, and him the ears

of profiting, that what thou speakest may move, and what he

hears may be believed, that the true Prince may, for recreation-

sake, prove a false thief; for the poor abuses of the time want

countenance. Farewell; you shall find me in Eastcheap.

Good, may God give you the skills to persuade, and him the ears

to listen to what's good for him, so that what you say moves him,

and so he believes what he hears, so that the true Prince may, for fun,

be a dishonest thief; for the injustices of the time want

sorting out.Farewell; you'll find me in Eastcheap.

PRINCE.

Farewell, thou latter Spring! farewell, All-hallown Summer!

Farewell, you late spring.Farewell, you Indian summer!

[Exit Falstaff.]

POINTZ.

Now, my good sweet honey-lord, ride with us to-morrow:I

have a jest to execute that I cannot manage alone. Falstaff,

Bardolph, Peto, and Gadshill, shall rob those men that we have

already waylaid:yourself and I will not be there; and when they

have the booty, if you and I do not rob them, cut this head off

from my shoulders.

Now, my good sweet as honey lord, ride with us tomorrow: I

have a joke to play that I can't do alone.Falstaff,

Bardolph, Peto and Gadshill will rob these men we have already

planned for: you and I will not be there; and when they have the plunder,

if you and I can't then rob them, chop my head off.

PRINCE.

But how shall we part with them in setting forth?

But how will we split away from them?

POINTZ.

Why, we will set forth before or after them, and appoint them

a place of meeting, wherein it is at our pleasure to fail; and

then will they adventure upon the exploit themselves; which they

shall have no sooner achieved but we'll set upon them.